Memorable Travel Experience

 

I read my last blog about my pre-travel anxieties. Well, I am back with wonderful memories of Spain. Of deep impression is the Alhambra in Granada (the most beautiful and exquisite palace I have seen), the Mesquita in Cordoba (where a cathedral was built inside a mosque) and of course the quaint architecture of Gaudi in Barcelona (who did not think out of the box, he threw away the box).

Prior to visiting Spain I watched the Spanish show Cathedral of the Sea on Netflix to get some flavour of Barcelona. It added rich flavour to the guided city walk around Barcelona. The show had described the plight of the Jews around 14th century where the story took place. It came alive when the tour guide showed us the Jewish quarters. On our own we located the Cathedral Santa Maria del Mar (depicted in the show as the Cathedral built by the people, stone for stone carried from the sea). We were thrilled to find on the walls of the church carvings of man carrying huge stones on their back.

During my long train ride in Spain I also listened to podcast about Gaudi and how his style is driven by his love for architecture, nature and religion. His exploration into arches came from observing hanging cables. These knowledge helped me to truly appreciate the interior of the famous Sagrada Familia in Barcelona.

As we were traveling close to Good Friday we were fortunate enough to watch rehearsal parades in 2 towns. That was really a bonus. Another supplementary prize was to be inconvenienced by a farmers' protest against agricultural imports in the form of long rows of tractors trudging the streets of Cordoba such that we have to walk to the train station dragging our luggage along instead of cabbing.

My travel in Spain was truly fascinating reinforced by a very knowledgeable local guide in Barcelona who gave so much depth into its history. It was only from the visit and pre research that I learnt that Spain was under Muslim rule for over 4 centuries which explains the presence of cross culture everywhere. 

Yes I did have some discomfort from long flights and anxieties about pickpockets etc. However this last trip will spur me on to travel to learn more about the history and culture of the travel destinations.

Gaudi- There are no straight lines or sharp corners in nature. Therefore, buildings must have no straight lines or sharp corners. The straight lines belong to men the curve one to God.

Adventure or Routine

 

I am making last minute preparations for a 2 week holiday in Europe with my husband. It was mainly  following an itinerary used by my daughter some years ago. Still, it involved a lot of planning. 

I am not sure what is going on but certainly I feel a lot of anxieties, quite unlike our visit to Switzerland last year. Perhaps it is the notion that Spain is not as safe as Switzerland . 

On the other hand I am wondering whether anxieties generally increase with age. I did a bit of googling and found reasons alluding to increased symptoms of anxieties with age. 

First of all travelling for me now is not like 5 or 10 years ago. Now, long flights seem to take a toll . Last year I came back with severe inflamed blocked ears. Moreover, many mild ailments have surfaced or worsened over the last decade including GERD, diverticulitis, IBS, rheumatism, not to mention newly acquired food intolerance. The fear of having to get medical help in a strange country must have worried the mind. 

Next our youngsters are warning about pick pockets or being mugged. Their worries are not unfounded as our alertness is no longer that sharp. In fact our cognitive powers seemed to have weakened; during our last UK trip we were dumb enough to follow a person who promised to show us a nice Asian restaurant. We fled when he led us to some dark streets. Not to forget we also have failing eyesight and lack physical nimbleness. 

The insecure feeling is exacerbated by not being tech savvy. Just back home I am already telling cashiers to be patient when I am using 'paynow" to foot my bill. What more in foreign countries when most outlets are cashless and not accepting credit cards for small amount. Then you are not sure what "wallets" work in different countries. You also don't want to draw unnecessary attention fumbling through your phone and wallet real or virtual. Alas what a hassle even to buy food !  

Oh one website suggests GAD (general anxiety disorder) increases with age because older people don't sleep well, having to go toilet or experiencing hot flashes. Lack of sleep make them feel tired, irritable and anxious. Oh wow! what about sleeping on a new bed in a new environment?

No wonder many older people prefer package tours or cruises. At lease you don't have to  figure your way to the right platform of tube stations or rush for the next train while conquering the stairs with your luggage. 

Two travel quotes from Paulo Coelho are worth pondering:

-If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine - it's lethal. (Hmmm...)

-"The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort" (Well I don't know about that, especially at my age)

Caught in the Middle

 

I run workshops for children caught in parents' conflicting divorce, hence the workshop is called CIBC (Children caught in Between). At the same time I also practice sandplay therapy/counselling for children in emotional distress arising from parents' divorce. 

Recently I counselled a kid who had passive suicidal ideation when the court ordered supervised visits for the non custodial parent. The kid views the non custodial parent as a very bad person hence the fear and resistance to attend the visitations. The parents have fought for several years over custodian and visitation rights.

After several sessions I could sense the child crying out for mental space and freedom. It is as if she is shouting "Get me out of this hell hole" and begs to be left alone. My sympathies is with the child and I frown upon the court decision.

On the other hand, some of my colleagues have worked or are working with the non custodial parent. They told me of the grief and sadness expressed by the person being separated and having no access to the child. So you hear from the mother, the father or the child depending on who you are working with. You hear their version of the story, you hear their complaint, you hear their plight and you sense their pain.

When we discuss the case we tell the story of the person we are working with. In the end we conclude we are also 'Caught in the Middle'.

When "No" means "Wait"

 

In the book Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, a former FBI top hostage negotiator, he advocates that we should aim for our opponent to say "No" as a first step in negotiation. This contradicts our instinct to seek a 'Yes" to our terms.

According to him getting the other party to say "No" for a start puts them in a less defensive stand. The whole idea is to make them feel safe, secure and in control. It is a first step in getting them to engage and listen. After feeling they have protected themselves by saying "No" our counter party can then open up for discussion and understanding options available.

The difficulty however is in our entrenched habit of wanting to hear "Yes". He suggests that we learn to hear "No" calmly. In Voss' words " "No" is not a failure....it really often just means "Wait" or "I am not comfortable with that"......Used strategically it's an answer that opens the path forward. Getting to the point where you're no longer horrified by the word "No" is a liberating moment that every negotiator needs to reach. Because if your biggest fear is "No", you can't negotiate. You're the hostage of "Yes". You're handcuffed. You're done".

Personally I find this useful advice in interacting with family members too. Any "No" from my husband usually enrages me and triggers an argument or war of ego. I will then use either passive aggressive behavior or threats to get my way which is quite upsetting. It is true I must learn to accept "No" for a start calmly. Quite often after feeling like he is in charge my husband will come around to hear or offer options, out of guilt perhaps. 

Maybe for a start I must train my mind to think "Wait lah" when I hear "No" from my husband to release the self hostage.

Left and Right brain in counselling

 

Returning from counselling sessions with 2 clients I felt rather drained. The head felt tight. To find some relief I turned to my laptop and instinctively pulled up my equity portfolio. I believe I need to work the left brain to balance the exhausted right brain.

Indeed a counselling session calls for a lot of intuition and creativity ie. working the intuitive right hemisphere of the brain. I have a hunch I use quite a fair bit of intuition in several ways during a counselling session. For example in assessing why a client reacts in a certain way in a given situation and how to draw a client to see their blind spot. I also think it is my right hemisphere brain that absorbs the body language and tone of voice and then helps me speak in a manner that connects with the client. At times I am amazed how suddenly a creative idea pops up in my mind which furthers the therapeutic process. Often the strategies I have planned to apply using my thinking mind are thrown out the window as the client presents new concerns or change in attitude/behaviour. To me counselling is more of an art though supported by science based psychological theories and evidenced based intervention practices. However I often feel unsure of my intuitive strategies when they do not fall into well recognised techniques/practices.

The fact that I pulled out my equity portfolio file instinctively as a source of relaxation could well signal that I have taxed my intuitive mind and needs some rational thinking to derive a mind equilibrium.

"There is an art to science, and science in art; the two are not enemies but different aspects of the whole"- Isaac Asimov

'Not Me"

 

"Once we believe that 'me' is separate from 'my experience' that 'me' is a solid entity to whom things happen, rather than a fluid part of the unending action, we have to start thinking about defending this isolated 'me' against the objects we encounter. Thus we need some basic strategies for survival, we have to start pursuing objects that make 'me' feel safe and happy, destroying objects that make 'me' feel threatened and ignoring all other objects of experience, because the first two take up all our time of experience"- Ethan Nichtern

"A human being is a part of the whole, called by us Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest-a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty."-                               Albert Einstein

I shall try my best.

Be it God or the Divine Universe

 

On this Christmas day it would seem blasphemous to be reading about Einstein, Freud and Spinoza's belief about God. Basically Einstein and Spinoza do not consider God to be a personal figure but more like a cosmic deity. I am currently reading a book entitled "The Reason for Life" by Waltenegus Dargie. The book explores the beliefs of Freud, Einstein, Tolstoy and Dostoevsky on the significance of God and the purpose of human life.

From the book I learnt a new word 'Pantheism' which is the concept that the physical universe is the immanent deity. I kind of orientate towards this theory.

I have just started reading and in no considered order have found the following statements bearing some truths:

Freud maintains the claims of religion are essentially the product of psychic externalisation. Human beings have affinity for religion because either they are fearful of life or yearn to be unified with the world.

Einstein calls the scientific longing to unravel the mystery of creation and thereby experience God, a cosmic religious feeling... Persons who are induced by a cosmic religious feeling seek God dispassionately with no wish for a reward or gain. A god who rewards and punishes human actions in inconceivable to them.....He maintains that the primary reason for a religion based on a personal God is existential fear.

I sometimes think it doesn't really matter whether it is the divine universe or the personal God. At moments when you feel the Love or some mystical wonder you have a momentary glimpse of the truth.