Probing into the Control Freak

 

When you start getting feedback, be it subtle, direct or critical, about your behaviour from several people it is time to do a self assessment. So I have been dismissing remarks about me being a control freak from husband and son as I thought my so called controlling behaviour is directed at either their unhealthy or unkempt habits and hence is for their own good. However when I start getting comments from sister and daughter as well, it is time to do some self awareness exercise.

I have always believed that this habit is carried forward from my previous job heading a Treasury department with quite a handful of staff, as well as tight and rigid procedural adherence expected of the team when embarking on overseas asset purchases. We had to make sure all grounds were covered. 

However as I think a bit deeper there may be more to it. I am prone to being very anxious and quite worrisome by nature. In every uncertain situation I research the worst outcome. I think by being mentally prepared for the worst I can have some control. However this can go overboard and lead to excessive worries which ironically feels safer. 

Now when a person becomes aware of one's weakness there is a tendency to blame it on childhood experiences etc. Somehow finding a cause can sort of make one feels less guilty. So no surprises, I ascribed my acquired traits from fears of my parents fighting (literally) which were frequent but unpredictable. Apparently such childhood trauma could result in a person being hyper vigilant and using control as a coping mechanism.

Strangely enough while doing all these self assessment it dawns on me that there are so much things beyond my control. So why not let go of things I can't do much about and also stop believing "I" have the responsibility to interfere. 

Just the thought of this makes me feel lighter.

Got to do the best we can

 

I have never recalled being so uncomfortable for so long a period in such unbearable heat. Asia is suffering from an intense heat wave and the forecast of El Nino in the coming months offer no relief. In fact we are expecting worse, dry season and haze from forest fire. 

An article in the Times titled "Where we'll end up living as the planet burns" quotes a research:

'....depending on scenarios of population growth and warming, 1 to 3 billion people are projected to be left outside the climate conditions that have served humanity well over the past 6,000 years. ....In the absence of migration, one third of the global population is projected to experience mean average temperature (that are currently found mostly) in the Sahara.'

A tropical island like Singapore will be included in the list of uninhabitable place on earth.

So I was aware of the severity of climate change but just nonchalantly did what I can to minimise my carbon footprint sans travel. I wasn't too worried because things won't go so drastically wrong during my lifetime or even that of my adult kids. On unbearably hot days the sight of little kids running around made me think (in an unaffected way) these 'poor' children will have to find ways to adapt to climate change. In fact I was more affected when I discovered my plants in the garden being scorched. I felt more for the farmers whose crops were wiped out.

However now that I am a newly minted grandmother, news and reports about climate change draw grave concerns many times over. It now hits me hard that my grandchild's future is jeopardized and she will face loads of challenges including weather related calamities, food shortages, migration and even war over livable land. I feel angry and sad. Angry that we have been so uncaring about our planet, sad that our grandchildren will never have it better, as each generation in the past assumes the next should be.

What explains the change in attitude? Was it selfishness in the past? Is the biological instinct to protect one's offspring kicking in now? Whatever you call it is now a pressing anxious feeling every time I come across a doomsday climate change report.

"We are the first generation to feel the impact of climate change and the last generation that can do something about it."- Barack Obama

Eyes that talk

 

In an article in the ST on 7 May 2023, a journalist describes her experience attending a a class in clowning. Participants were taught how to use their bodies to play, connect and make one another laugh.

One tip shared by her teacher interests me. To try to make the group laugh she told the class to look at one person in the audience 'as though you are in love with him, and wink'. 'Eye contact is key to good clowning'.

This idea made me recall a workshop which I conducted recently for children aged 11 to 14 whose parents divorced. This was my first time running the workshop for an older age group. I have all along been conducting workshop (for children caught in between parents' conflict ) for the younger group between 6 to 10 years. Whilst the younger group workshop requires more activities to catch and retain their attention, the structure of the older group workshop is more content heavy.

2 boys aged 13 and 14 seemed to convey to me their feelings and their thoughts when they looked at me in the eyes. They were not very vocal which is common among boys not wanting to share their experiences in front of others, but when I spoke of the normal feelings and misbeliefs children from divorce families have, the way they looked deep into my eyes told me they could relate to what had been said. Such response also drew me closer to them like breaking a barrier which helped me connect like a friend or mentor. I was touched by the intense look I got from them when I spoke of strategies to help them cope.

The article went on to quote a clown doctor (therapist) who said "if there is no eye contact, there is a decreased likelihood of interaction........There must be a breath, a moment of recognition.....You see me, and I see you. We are now sharing this moment'.

As the saying goes, 'Where words are restrained the eyes often talk a great deal'- Samuel Richardson

Zen garden or miniature jungle

 

I love visiting temples in Japan with zen gardens. Using just rocks, gravels or moss they exude calmness and peace conducive for meditation.

When we bought our house more than 2 decades ago the first thing my husband and I readily agreed on was to plant a tree in the small front garden. Over the years the mango tree has spread its roots making it difficult to grow grass underneath. I had dreamt of a garden with just a tree and a green lawn like the minimalist Japanese zen gardens. Instead the garden now looks like a miniature jungle. 

We laid plastic sheets on some parts of the ground and poured soil on top to create small flower beds. We grew ferns and bamboo grass in them. To adorn the rest of the garden we use potted plants. A few pots has grown into a huge collection. Yes the garden is really like a mini jungle.

It is my daily habit to place my palms on the trunk of the mango tree for a couple of minutes every morning to absorb its positive energy (as advised by a new age teacher). During this time I would be observing the bark of the tree, the plants in the garden as well as the birds and insects all around. Watching the ants crawling in a line on a branch, watching the birds taking nectar from the flowers and noticing hosts of other tiny insects always makes me wonder how many gazillions of living creatures there are in our world. Spending time attending to each plant in the garden has also brought me lots of joy like the delight of sighting the first bud or feeling the softness of the lush fern leaves.

I would now think twice of replacing my miniature jungle and its myriad of uniqueness, with a zen garden of a solitary tree and lawn. I guess the former helps one to feel part of a larger whole while the later provides the quietness to look within oneself. Both are necessary. If only I have a home that accommodates both the jungle and the zen garden.

What Happened?

 

An incident which occurred in London when I was there last month caused me to doubt my alertness and ability to think clearly. My husband and I were browsing through the menu outside an Asian food restaurant near Paddington station. A dark skinned man chatted with us. He said he could introduce us to a small Chinese restaurant not far away. He said he was paid a small amount for bringing customers to the restaurant run by Chinese. After missing Chinese food we agreed to follow him. Along the way he chatted about his migration from Croatia and how he adjusted to living in London etc etc. He made us feel very comfortable.

Now Paddington is a very busy place and we weren't afraid. He brought us behind a row of shops. It seemed a bit strange to me but I could see another row of either shops or houses further down the back lane. He assured us we were nearing. When we went a bit further, 2 other dark skinned men jumped out and shouted "Police!" flashing their 'identification cards'. At that moment I knew something was amiss and told my husband "Run, it's a scam". We scurried away towards the main road and only stopped to catch our breath when we were on the busy road. I really freaked out thinking we would be robbed at knife point and was really surprised they didn't give chase. From the internet I found out there is a gang operating in Paddington who disguised as police to search tourists' bags and probably stole their belongings. 

I told my husband we were very lucky because we could easily have been hurt. I kept thinking to myself how we could fall into a trap so easily. Maybe we are so used to living in a safe city that we can't sense danger, albeit in a busy place overseas. Reflecting on the incident I am really surprised we actually followed him into a back lane!. I always pride myself in being alert to financial scams and ability to evaluate financial proposals etc. So I am a bit worried over my ability to sense risk. Lo and behold what I found in the internet was a research by a Cornell University scientist which showed that older people "have more atrophy (degeneration) and less connectivity in 2 key areas of the brain. One region signals a person when something significant is happening around them, and the other tells them how to read social cues, such as other people's intentions". So apparently the atrophy impairs the brain's ability to signal a risky situation and to infer thoughts and intentions of others.

I think this incident is a good wake up call and will be a good reminder when we travel overseas. A good point to remember is to ignore people who approach to help you without being asked. 

"Inside every older person is a younger person-wondering what the hell happened."- Jennifer Yane

Musings or post holiday blues?

 

Came back from a 2 week holiday in London/Canterbury/Interlaken/Zurich. 

As usual every return from an overseas trip arouses the question whether your home country is the best place to live out the rest of your life and embraces the feasibility of having a second home somewhere. This is especially so when the visit was to places with open country. Back home the lack of vast open greenery and sweating buckets in a small home triggers longing for nature and cool crisp air. Of course I have consoled myself that back home in Singapore I can fall sick without the stress of not finding a doctor like in London where all the doctors went on strike. Or for that matter I can walk anywhere without the need to blend into a local culture or habit as perhaps a minority person in Switzerland may have to. Still the idea of having a second home where one can stay part of the year is appealing.

A friend and her soon retiring husband bought a house with an acre of land in Oliver about 4 hours east of Vancouver, They seem so energized by the house project, clearing trees, fixing roof gutters and planning/redesigning. As they are plant enthusiasts and a bit into farming, the house will definitely keep their mind and body very active. The photo she sent shows the balcony looking into the mountains at the horizon. Living there to me is like taking a never ending holiday in a resort; though I am again romanticizing.

Well, what's keeping me from buying a retirement home in another country to spend part of the year? This is a question I have to seriously consider. This is especially so since climate change has rendered many parts of the world quite unlivable certain seasons of the year.

Needless to say family, friends, accustomed lifestyle and sense of safety/certainty hold back such a move. In short it is leaving a comfort zone. On the other hand a change in living environment offers new experiences, excitement and growth. 

Well as per the teenagers and young adults' buzzword: YOLO

Unintended Consequences

 

The events happening in the world make me think of the idea about "unintended consequences". So this Californian bank SVB went bankrupt. One cause is the concentration of their securities in US Treasuries. Who would imagine this could happen when a bank is holding super safe asset like the US government Treasuries. However the problem is not about risk, it's about the price. Apparently when the Fed embarks on its continuous rate hike, the price of the existing treasuries drop. In the case of SVB it has to liquidate its holding of Treasuries at a loss when bank depositors withdraw their money. This puts the bank in an unfavourable financial position which makes depositors concerned hence resulting in a bank run.

Then there is the Covid pandemic that gives rise to hosts of unintended and unexpected consequences. The focus on fighting the pandemic has led to delay in treatment of other medical problems thus increasing morbidity and mortality risk. Yet another problem that resulted is post Covid labour shortage arising from changes in preferences and attitude; with workers no longer tolerating low pay and long working hours.  Not all consequences are unwelcome though. Having tasted the experience of working from home workers now demand less working hours in the office. Unfortunately the world will also have to manage tons of plastic waste from test kits etc.

When Russia attacks Ukraine, Putin obviously did not envisage that it will also result in a global food crisis; or did he but didn't care. The supply crunch affects food prices the whole world round and cause severe food insecurity in some countries, risking starvation among millions. To be fair to him he actually thought the invasion of Ukraine would be fast and swift. 

All these events perplexed me. I wonder whether Putin feels guilty over the unintended consequence of his move.

"The law of unintended consequences pushes us ceaselessly through the years, permitting no pause for perspective."- Richard Schickel