When you start getting feedback, be it subtle, direct or critical, about your behaviour from several people it is time to do a self assessment. So I have been dismissing remarks about me being a control freak from husband and son as I thought my so called controlling behaviour is directed at either their unhealthy or unkempt habits and hence is for their own good. However when I start getting comments from sister and daughter as well, it is time to do some self awareness exercise.
I have always believed that this habit is carried forward from my previous job heading a Treasury department with quite a handful of staff, as well as tight and rigid procedural adherence expected of the team when embarking on overseas asset purchases. We had to make sure all grounds were covered.
However as I think a bit deeper there may be more to it. I am prone to being very anxious and quite worrisome by nature. In every uncertain situation I research the worst outcome. I think by being mentally prepared for the worst I can have some control. However this can go overboard and lead to excessive worries which ironically feels safer.
Now when a person becomes aware of one's weakness there is a tendency to blame it on childhood experiences etc. Somehow finding a cause can sort of make one feels less guilty. So no surprises, I ascribed my acquired traits from fears of my parents fighting (literally) which were frequent but unpredictable. Apparently such childhood trauma could result in a person being hyper vigilant and using control as a coping mechanism.
Strangely enough while doing all these self assessment it dawns on me that there are so much things beyond my control. So why not let go of things I can't do much about and also stop believing "I" have the responsibility to interfere.
Just the thought of this makes me feel lighter.
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