No Show

Both appointments this week were cancelled last minute, 'no show' they called it. The first, I kind of expected because the mother of the client questioned my skills  in sandplay therapy. Prior to the first session when I met up with her to share  how the therapy works, she brushed me aside quite abruptly declaring that she knows what expressive therapy is all about and I need not elaborate further. After the first session she checked with her child about what went on during the session and gave feedback to my boss that I used the wrong technique. Had she bothered to spend some time with me she would understand there are variations on the approach to sandplay therapy.Really, if the parent has no faith in the therapist it does not make sense for the child to continue because the parent will probably be sending the wrong vibes to the child. It is a pity because from my interpretation of the child's sand story she desires personal boundaries and protection from external threats ( a common dilemma in a child caught between parents fighting for custody).

The second no show case was unexpected because the client and guardian wanted very regular sessions. In fact to be honest I was secretly relieved when last minute the guardian called to cancel the appointment. The client who has several issues had once described each session like me equipping him with ammunition to face the world. Unfortunately it's more than a year now and he does not seem to have mastered the skill nor the will to develop the ammunition himself. I feel I am here to give support not to be his lifeline. As the boy has various issues I have also assisted the guardian to get specialized help from other organisations.

Most time however 'no show' appointments especially last minute cancellations leave a sour taste in the mouth. You  review the file, think through the approach and make your way to the centre. You are there usually about 15 minutes before the appointment to settle down and be in the right frame of mind for the client. Then you review the case notes while waiting. The hour comes and past. Then the call comes with some explanation or in your mind just excuses You feel you have wasted your time. You speculate the real reason behind the cancellation. In summary you feel unappreciated and may harbour doubt on your own ability.  The truth then is that your own ego needs a lifeline. All these feelings surface before you reason with yourself these are just part and parcel of the job. With sandplay therapy especially where there is little concrete scientific validation of its efficacy, parents of clients have the tendency to question the worthiness of the time and effort in bringing their child to 'play'.

In a very different setting at the Childrens' home where I volunteer  no such ego dance is involved. The children just feel happy to play in my presence and I just go with the flow and shower love. There is no need to think of efficacy. Here they are captive clients though more than willing. Here there is no such thing as 'no show'. Perhaps it is the children that worry about 'no show' from me and I also worry that they worry about my 'no show' when I have to be away.That is the beauty of no expectation.

To Feel Alive

While on holiday at Melbourne we joined an overnight tour to the Grampians. This is the first tour guide in all my travels to different places in the world who is so animated, so excited and enthusiastic about animals, nature and the places he is bringing us. In every place of interest he captured the scenery with his professional camera as if it was his first visit. He showed us pictures of the same place in different seasons or time of the day. He knows the names and the different temperaments of the kangaroos hanging around the motel where we stayed and has many close ups of them. He pointed Gulars (Australian bird) perched on trees and eagles sailing the skies.

At 2 pm on the second day having covered the itineraries, instead of quickly sending us back on a 3 hour drive back to Melbourne he was super delighted when the bus of 9 youths and 2 baby boomers (my husband and me) were keen to experience what he termed as a surprise for us. He thus detoured and lo and behold after a one hour drive there was before us a lake all pink in colour. The lake is pink in colour due to the algae growing in the salt crust at the bottom of the lake. The young girls in our tour were wild with delight taking photos of themselves jumping barefooted in the waters. What a sight! After the detour I was actually hoping we would head back to the city, but the high spirits of  our young companions reinforced our guide's enthusiasm who brought us on a one hour drive back to a town where we visited earlier in the morning just to see a creek which he thought would be overflowing at that time of the day. Though he said it would be a 20 minute 'walk' up the terrain I knew enough that it would easily be more than an hour  to and fro. I joined them for a short distance 'climbing' the stones and small rocks and knew I would never be able to reach the top and back before the sun went down. So my husband and I decided to descend and wait for them at the foot. My son who went with the rest described how animated the guide was when they were at the top jumping from rock to rock across the creek to capture pictures of the scene as well as the youths.

Ok if in your mind this guide is a youth or someone in his late thirties or early forties, you are quite wrong. I think he is easily in his mid fifties. He has an engineering qualification in Australia and was an engineer until he changed career to be a tour guide cum photographer because the job gives him unlimited 'adrenaline' meeting people and catching changing scenes of nature. He again reinforces my belief that one must find a vocation that makes one feel 'alive' to really experience the joy of living.

Co-incidentally the other people who inspired me likewise are also Australians, the couple whom I stayed with in Perth as a Airbnb guest. The focus and the energy they poured into tendering their plot of land filled with fruit trees, and various types of plants showed me that to live with content one must be totally engaged in something one loves doing. For these Australians embracing nature keeps them 'alive'.

Though I have not found the activity that engages me totally, these 3 people have spurred me on my search to feel alive.

The Pink Lake

Him talking to the parrot

His photo of Joey in mummy's pouch

Each moment - A clean plate

'The past and the future are just thoughts'  This was a phrase I picked up from a podcast with little elaborations provided.

It seems to imply they are not real, not solid and are illusive. Perhaps it is suggesting that thoughts on the past are delusive and thoughts on the future imaginary. It probably puzzles over why we are then constantly obsessing over either the past or the future. This phrase dawns on us the folly of all the wasted present moments.

Research has shown that memories can be inaccurate and constructed. There is this process called reconsolidation where upon recalling a past experience the emotions accompanying the recalling reinforces the initial emotions of the experience. Each time we reset a memory we tend to restrengthen the connection between the memory and the feelings. This will be intensified if we keep on ruminating a bad experience for instance.

Furthermore no 2 persons will remember an incident with exactly the same details and the same emotions. This is because the perception, feelings and mental fabrication (conditioned habitual response) that accompany the encounter is different for every individual. All these seem to caution us against being too caught up with past memories, which may not be as real as we thought.

As for thoughts on the future they may seem less fruitless than past memories because some amount of planning is necessary for us  to function or make a living. However being too obsessed with the future robs us of all the 'present moments' such that we miss out a lot of our lives. Even more unproductive would be worries about the future, much of which is usually unnecessary.

However these are just logical arguments that I seek to help explain this statement that 'the past and future are just thoughts'. I have yet another feel for it. It occurs to me that our perception of time as linear may not be that solid after all. Someone said that 'time is like a string of present moments'. Our concept of the past, present and future as linear is by introducing a string. What if there is in reality no such string?

Can't each moment be lived on a clean plate?

Tough Job- Family Court

Recently some MPs in Singapore have spoken up in parliament for the easing of housing rules for divorcees who share care and control for their children. The MPs asked that the names of the  children be included as household members in both parents' application for housing . In response a senior Permanent Secretary disclosed that only 4% of all divorce cases resulted in shared care and control orders. (What it means is that the remaining 96% orders would have one parent given custody order whilst the other has access in varying degree depending on the circumstances of each case).

The disclosure of this statistics has raised some controversies in the forum pages more than the origin issue of housing.  People are astonished that shared care and control forms such a low percentage when studies have shown that involvement of both parents is crucial for healthy child development. The Registrar of the Family Justice Courts in reply assured that great deliberation is exercised in the child's best interest for each case and quoted factors which impede shared custody arrangement like inconvenience, impracticality and the inability of parents to co-operate on a 2 home arrangement. He quoted that 93% of cases with children issues were concluded through mediation. One seemingly frustrated reader wanted statistics on the percentage that fathers are awarded custody and related incidents of male friends  who were ' forced' to relinquish custody only to find themselves facing a lot of restrictions in accessing their children.

Some readers on the other hand have supported the Registrar citing challenges when the child has to shuttle between 2 home environment and struggle with different upbringing approaches,  especially after  one or both parents remarry. Reading all these letters I feel that some of the writers are speaking for themselves or for their close relatives because of the emotional tone within.

Having worked with children of divorced parents to process their emotional turmoil I can only empathise with the Family Court. Seeing how the parents feud over custody or trying their best to win over the hearts of the children it is difficult to envisage how they can co-operate to make a dual home arrangement smooth and harmonious. I feel it is only possible if both parents have separated amiably, parted as friends, are in agreement with each parenting style and really have their children's interest foremost in their hearts. In a recent "Child -in-Between" workshop for the kids, it is so heart wrenching when the children shared that they would never tell their parents how sad and 'mixed-up' they feel when their parents used them to pass angry messages to one another. On a worksheet with many feeling words the children were asked to circle and colour those they have felt before. One child asked for the meaning of 'depressed'. When told she circled it and remarked "I need a dark colour for this". Another child at sandplay therapy built a picture of 2 armies at war in the sandtray. She then put a figurine of a chicken wearing a pair of dark glasses onto a vehicle wheezing between the armies crying "excuse me, excuse me". "That's me." she said. Unless the divorced parents make peace and not war, a disharmonious dual home arrangement is detrimental to the child.

However I must also mention a different heart wrenching situation where a child misses her dad so much that in her sandtray story she worries that the man left alone in the island has not enough food and not enough water because a strong wind will blow everything away. This is probably an example of a court order where the mum has custody but in the subconscious mind of the child the dad is awarded insufficient access.

Poor children!
Tough Job Family Court!

Not a laughing matter

SO I received a text message from Sing Health to inform that my personal data has been breached although it says they have not been altered. It then apologises for the "anxiety caused" and says no action is needed. 'What?' I laughed 'Was I suppose to be anxious?' Indeed I should be according to my daughter who was for awhile involved in the SMART Nation project. She advised that I changed all my passwords for all financial institutions. 'Not Again?' I had done that not long ago when I lost my wallet and handphone.

Later I read in the papers that my data may be sold to the dark web for nefarious purposes. I looked up the meaning of nefarious which means wicked or criminal. Of what value is my health record? Far from being the PM whose data was also breached, I am a retiree. The only consequence I can envisage is being found to be a real hypochondriac from the numerous incidents of false alarm or from remarks of the doctors if they also form part of the record. From begging not to be discharged by the National Eye Center as an outpatient to arguing with doctors in various hospitals that their description of my "mild" health problems were not otherwise so mild per the sympoms surfaced, I may also be described as a smart aleck who google all the possible illnesses that each symptom may suggest. I do not know whether insurance companies like me as a customer. I guess it depends on the type of insurance they are selling me. For sure no one will insure my outpatient charges.

On a serious note however it is quite a frightening thing for younger people whose data is breached. For that matter even if the data is not breached what are the guidelines on who can make use of the data base which the government is trying to build. Can a government related employer lay hands on the full medical history of a potential candidate? Will such medical history jeopardize a candidate who has recovered from a socially stigmatised illness? Already it is well known that one can hire a hacker in the dark web at very low cost to get the data of a person be it a prospective life partner, business associate or enemy.

Come to think of it there really is a cause for anxiety, whether the data be breached or remains unbreached but accessible by certain people? My initial laughing response was indeed naive.

The Children can't wait

An article in the Sunday Times tracked 3 girls from different social background who were featured 6 years ago about their learning development at age 5.  As expected the gap in their learning development opportunities has further widened. Whilst the girl from the well off parents excelled not only in academics and sports, the girl from a single parent family whose mother works as as a dishwasher takes Mathematics and English at foundation level (meant for students weak in these subjects) and remains shy when answering questions.

What really affected me is when I read that her mother who earns $1000 per month has to spend some money to buy assessment books from the bookshop in the hope that her child can do better in her PSLE examination. $1000 for a family of 6 is not even enough to meet the basic needs and she has to spend part of it on assessment books? Have assessment books become basic needs? Something is very wrong with our education system don't you think?

The recommendation from the study is that kids lagging behind needs help much earlier because by the time they enter school the gap is far too wide. Do I not know this? At the Children's Home where I volunteer I am often taken aback by the limited English vocabulary of the primary school going children. Even when I play with them board games designed to help children express their emotions they are struggling with the words on the cards. Sometimes I have to consciously use simpler words to get a message across though this does not really help them to improve their language ability, but then again my main purpose there is to foster better psychological well being. I guess the volunteer tutors will take care of the academic part. It used to be that my play room was just next to the room where the children had their tuition. I could hear the tutors' exasperation because the kids also had very short attention span.   It tugs my heart when I see them struggling with simple calculation when role playing as cashiers counting the change. Other than promoting their emotional well being , all I could be of help for their future career is to affirm their creativity and organisational ability (example playing at running a cafe which they love) and to build their self esteem and confidence.

Sometimes  I would laugh at the wits and craftiness displayed by these kids and then wondered how much more they would have developed if family circumstances were better. If our society can organise itself to garner unutilised resources to meet the needs of these children the gap between the privileged and under privileged children will definitely diminish. Just thinking aloud I wonder if every physically fit retiree can mentor one lagging child that would certainly close the developmental gap. As it is now there are several programs run by some civic groups that help in giving a hand and I hope more will mushroom; the society can wait to mature but the children can't wait.

Live for Others

On the top right corner of the "Life" section of today's ST is a quote from Einstein : " Only a Life lived for others is a life worthwhile".

In a recent post entitled " What is a life worth living?"( a feeling response in the wake of 2 celebrities' suicide ) I have concluded as follows:
"I am now more convinced than ever that sense pleasures as well as all the trappings of wealth, status and relationships are no sure promises of happiness. Instead we have to train our minds to steer away from unwise perceptions and beliefs that only specific conditions when met can constitute a life worth living. Above all we need to have more compassion for ourselves.

Now it seems Einstein had a quote which is contrary to my opinion. He had offered that the sole condition for a worthwhile life is one lived for others. I have thought that it is too stringent a measure. There must be millions of people in this world who live for themselves abiding by conventional yardsticks of the perfect life. Many must have achieved semblances of say a perfect marriage, a desired home, a coveted job or a luxurious life of travel. Don't some of these people feel they have a worthwhile life or do they all succumb in their final days to deep regrets for not having done more for others?" I wonder.

Still I was a bit suspicious because the internet has loads of Einsteins' quotes which weren't from him. After some googling I establish that it is indeed his quote but I also gathered some context to it. Einstein had also remarked "A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving".

I do not disagree with him as I have often felt more alive giving. I guess it boils down to an approach more than the magnitude of the act. Living for others can take so many form. A factory worker making sports shoes can take comfort in promoting people's health, finding meaning in his/her job. A housewife can put up with the drudgery of housework when she thinks of the benefit for her family. As one ages and reflects upon life the moments which light up the mind are those where one shares something with others be it love, time, knowledge or experience. Einstein is right and of course he is.

Maybe I should now change the concluding sentence of my earlier blog to "Above all we need to have more compassion for ourselves and others"