Holding

Holding the client takes on a new experience for me last week at a sandplay session.
A 15 year old boy suspected of being an Asperger and from a single parent family is facing great difficulties in school. Being of mixed blood makes things more challenging. He gets endless teasing from classmates and bottles the anger all within.

His sand stories are all about fierce battles where the enemies are decimated. The final scene is always a carnage with overturned tanks, scattered skeletons and dead bodies on every inch of the tray. At the last session he shared that school was hell. At one point after tossing enough dead bodies into the enemy side of the tray he suddenly paused and viewed the tray in silence for a long while. As a facilitator I usually seat myself next to him providing an emotionally safe space for him to express his feelings. When he paused and stared at the tray in silence, I did the same. The carnage in the tray evoked in me a mixed feeling of sadness and bitterness which I can feel in him. We stared at the tray in silence for quite awhile and I know now what it really means by the phrase "holding the client"; a conscious insight as well as an unconscious intuitive connection. In a holding environment the therapist needs to be empathetic, trustworthy and stable. This is what is referred as therapeutic rapport.

Only when therapeutic rapport is established would the client be open to the therapist's point of view of the issue. I find this most true among the children at the children's home too. Once the rapport is established the child takes in and remembers well what the therapist says. The importance of therapeutic relationship in counselling outcome is supported by studies and well mentioned in counselling literature.A study has shown 5 potential results arising from a therapeutic relationship. The results include "feeling cared for", "empowerment", "safety/security", "willingness to divulge" and "willingness to take risk (to change)".

没 办法.

Recently I sustained a slight shoulder injury which found me in a waiting room queuing for consultation with the sinseh. There I sat rubbing my upper arm lightly whilst grimacing in pain. Little did I know this behaviour was just the conversation starter a few elderly ladies were looking for. The lady sitting next to me enquired about my pain and I briefly told her I probably sprained my shoulder. That was sufficient for her to know about me. She then readily poured out her misery, not only about her knee cap problems but continued to share her financial problems. She bemoaned how she had to give up her job in the school canteen (even though she is in her 70s). At this juncture other elderly ladies had begun to comment and offered their own share of misery.  All I could offer was saying stupid things like 没 办法 and that little ailments were part of aging when one lady complained that almost every part of her body has problem. Of course I said it without much feeling or conviction and I was glad that very soon I was left out of that lively conversation.

That day the pain in my shoulder worsened progressively. I could not lift up my right arm nor move it forward the slightest. I felt like an invalid and had great difficulty bathing, dressing and had to depend on my left hand to feed and do the basic activities. It was tiring using the left hand to type or touch the screen. Without much movement for hours I felt lethargic and sleepy and for the first time reflected on what the ladies talked about in the morning. I guessed I understood their misery a bit more then. At night I could only lie flat or sleep on the left side. Shifting my position triggered excruciating pain and I needed my husband to throw the blanket over me. My sleep was light and intermittent. In between waking hours I wondered about the years to come, what kind of sickness or body afflictions I would encounter. It gave me the creeps to think of all pain that would probably be inevitable. Was I able to tell myself to accept with the light refrain  没 办法. 

I gained a lot of self awareness from this encounter. I realised I am  very ill prepared for any sudden illness or pain. Even the Buddhist teaching about not shooting the second arrow which I learnt in theory was not well digested. In this teaching when afflicted with either a physical pain or mind constraction one should avoid further self infliction with those "poor me" or "why me" attitude, all kinds of imagined fear and aversion towards the pain. To be fair I was trying hard to practise, trying to stop blaming myself for going to that stupid Thai massage in Johor. I guess it did help to a certain extent.

Going forward I need to learn hard to come to terms with whatever unpleasant experiences that may befall me and learn to manage instead of reacting. Instead of a fake 没 办法 what is needed is a genuine realization of the inevitability paralleled with active management techniques.

Fake it to make it

It is common knowledge that the mind has a huge impact on the body. Less mentioned is how the body affects the mind. That is the reason why the posture of the body is important in meditation practice. Even in sandplay therapy we first help the clients relax their bodies in order for them to be more in touch with their conscious and subconscious minds. Drugs like Vallium which is used to reduce anxieties in people is first and foremost a muscle relaxant.

It is now known that expansive poses like raised chins and open chests can help people  feel more powerful and in control and just sitting up straight increases self confidence. I know it works . When I was a primary school counsellor I helped a girl who skipped school because she was bullied by the boys in class. Of a quiet and timid nature it would be difficult for her to fight back with words. So I literally trained her to walk tall reminding her to raise her chin and push back her shoulders. I also trained her to stare straight into their eyes sternly. This is one case which I can confidently claim success.

Years ago I also attended a course in Holistic counselling which included a module on somatic therapy which focuses on connection with the body. It helps the clients by asking them to identify the part of the body which hurts when overwhelmed by a certain feeling. For example when a client has an anxiety issue, he or she is asked to take time to identify the part of the body that feels the anxiety most or where there is discomfort. Often he is asked to exaggerate the hurt before being guided to relax that part of the body. Sometimes visualisation is used to help relieve the pain. So for instance the client would be asked what image or sound in his imagination can soothe that part of the body. Visualisation of say a spiritual archetype or imagining the image/sound of nature touching the body can help alleviate the pain in the body and in turn helps the contracted mind to relax.

On one occasion when my heart was cringing with sadness I asked myself what would soothe it. In my imagination a large piece of leaf wrapped in herbs placed on my heart can heal it (idea from a show where the Egyptian nomads used on a burnt victim). I then visualise draping my heart with such. After awhile my heart beat and breathing slowed and my mind was quiet.  I fell asleep and awoke feeling much better.

They say if you fake it you make it. So "smile though you heart is aching"

For the seeds to ripen

I am no skilled gardener but I pot around once a week for about an hour fertilizing the plants with used ground coffee powder and water from washing rice. When certain plants don't seem to flourish I look inside the soil to spot ants or bacteria. However very often I have not the slightest clue why certain plants don't flourish. The plants also seem to take turns to flower along with changing weather conditions. Even though they are all tropical plants different amount of rainfall and sunlight and different combinations of both provide just the right conditions for specific plants to flourish irrespective of the amount or lack of care rendered.

This reminds me of the statement that a seed will ripen when the right conditions are present and stays dormant when the conditions are lacking. Often it is beyond one's control. I think of our country. The soil and fertilizer we have used all along to develop our people worked well in the past decades. The moulding of our people to facilitate the economic strategies of the past decades may prove to be inadequate going forward as "weather conditions have changed". The past education system's emphasis on grades has resulted in what one MP termed as "uninterested learning" and the lack of self directed learning. The focus on engineering and finance to feed business needs and the side lining of liberal arts and humanities may have stunted creative thinking.  Academic achievement (largely through rote learning and short term memory) has in the past provided a direct path to attaining scholarships or a well paid job in the government service and MNCs. In addition our paternalistic government has, as someone puts it, "infantised" the citizens who expect the government to make all decisions and are lazy in thinking. To survive in the new economy however we need people who can think critically and possess curiosity and imagination. The society's mindset against risk and failure now needs to change in order for innovation to thrive.

I was a seed which thrived under conditions where having a hard skill met the business needs of my time. I have very little intellectual curiosity, was very fearful of failure and have great difficulty trying to think out of the box. It surprises me that many of our young still have the same traits which is evident that the soil and nutrients have not changed a lot all these years. I am now fearful that the weather has changed so much that the young seeds of our country will stay dormant. Their inappropriate conditioning may make it hard for them to thrive.

Silent Listen-ing

When we listen to someone speaking the words being processed, depending on the speed of speech is around 120 to 250 words per minute. When we think however it is at a speed of around 600 words per minute. Our mind automatically thinks that it can wander a bit and come back to catch what is being said. Therein lies the problem of hearing but not "listening". Our mind already starts to front run the speaker, forming impressions or recalling experiences which cloud the words being delivered.

Take for instance a situation at a marriage counselling session. When one partner talks the other is already forming judgement and mentally preparing defenses to refute the other's statements. One strategy for marriage counselling is the "The speaker listening" technique. Each partner is given a fixed time to speak without interruption from the other. After that the listener is asked to paraphrase what was being said.The speaker then validates or clarifies what is meant if the paraphrase is inaccurate. The listening partner waits for his/her turn to speak to ask questions and express his own thoughts and feelings. As the greatest benefit of this technique lies in the cathartic feeling of being heard, problem solving is suspended for the time being.

Even counsellors can fall short of listening when preoccupied with delivering an appropriate response whilst hearing the client. Remaining quiet is difficult as it may imply not understanding the problem or a loss of words. In fact it has been said that it can be beneficial for the client to feel that he/she is being heard and the counsellor is at a loss of words.

Is it by chance that "silent" and "listen" share the same alphabets? Silent in this respect also means quieting the mind to fully focus on listening.

A paradigm shift needed

Read the book review by Linda Lim, Professor of Strategy at University of Michigan of a book consisting of essays written by SMU graduating students who were given freedom on choice of content (Making Sense of Life @/& SMU). Apart from introspective views on race, religion, sex and death  which renders interesting read the professor walks away with concerns that these young people with their narrow horizons may be inadequately prepared for a landscape fraught with changes and uncertainty.

She formed this opinion as many graduating students expressed the same dream of a job in finance, consulting or large corporates. The amazing thing is most of these self proclaimed "conformists" come from comfortable, upper middle/high income families who are well travelled and exposed  and who can also afford more risk taking and pursuit of personal interest. Yet these youngsters often remarked they have "no choice"

The professor also noticed an absence  in intellectual pursuits and inquiry. Also missing are "thinking big" and dreams of "changing the world" or "making a difference" often observed in students in foreign universities.As one  foreign student in SMU observes :
"Few students read anything besides professional or "self-help" books. They are "risk-averse" "salarymen" in a "myopic", "monotonic" and "monochromatic" society, where "the Singapore journey to meaning is one of a clear path - defined by good grades, good schools and eventually, a good job", and where relationships are "transactional" rather than engaged in for their own sake.".

Having read this review, I ponder what are the conditions which lead to this common trait among our youngsters.

Firstly this pragmatic approach has actually served us, the baby boomers, well during our times and we have probably ingrained this successful one tract pragmatism onto the next generation.

Secondly the definition of success was collectively agreed to the narrow confines of children with good grades in good schools/colleges and graduating with well paid jobs with accompanying trappings of private housing and other life comfort.

Thirdly the need to be branded as "successful" could have arisen from deep cultural conditioning. I feel status and Face plays great importance in Chinese and Indian culture and the fear of losing face 丢脸 is prevalent. This has roots from group based thinking and bringing honour to your family is important explaining thus the "no choice" remarks.
As someone puts it:
"How we are perceived or seen by others plays a significant influence on our behaviour and the decisions we make. It even takes precedence over our own happiness,"

Now this narrow view of the world which we passed on to our young will be an albatross to haunt us. I think we need to collectively change our world view to help our young meet the challenges ahead. A paradigm shift is needed.

A trip that feasts the eyes, stomach and heart

Just returned from a short Hong Kong trip. Unlike previous trips I was able to move around on my own which included a hike to the hills known as Dragon Back as well as taking a public bus up Victoria Peak. The impression I walked away with from this visit is that "It is really great to be wealthy in Hong Kong". Those luxurious apartments and houses perched on the hills with such spectacular sea view easily stir envy. When hiking on Dragon Back (no easy feat for a non fit person like me ) I had to take several breaks. On one such break I overheard a Hong Konger pointing out to a sprawling house near the shore as belonging to Li Ka Shing (shown below). Its one thing to view the houses of the rich and famous on TV its quite another to see it with your very own eyes. No wonder Hong Kong ranks second to Monaco for the costliest prime residential property in the world. I felt that the difference in living comfort between the wealthy and the commoner is more stark and evident in Hong Kong then in Singapore (see contrast below). Just go for a hike or take a public bus uphill and you can marvel at the houses and apartments with the breath taking views. In Singapore we seldom pass those good class bungalow premises hidden in some forested area.

OK now on a more down to earth subject. The second take away I get from this trip is something more personal. See I am not a hiker and the Dragon Back hike would not have been possible  had my husband not literally pulled me up the slopes paved with small rocks and stones. I was about to return by the same path after reaching the peak which I thought was already quite an accomplishment given the view. My husband and son were keen to carry on and I did not want to disappoint them. So after warning them I would be taking lots of break we continued. Fortunately we did because we reached hill tops which offer spectacular views of 2 bays on each side. The clear skies and the wind made the view more amazing and for the first time in quite awhile I appreciated my husband. I wondered at his absolute patience without a single complain and felt ashamed at all my short fuses with him. It is really not easy to be climbing uphill weighed down by the hand of another.

All in all this trip has been a feast for not only the stomach but for the eyes as well. Oh I almost forgot it is for the heart as well.