没 办法.

Recently I sustained a slight shoulder injury which found me in a waiting room queuing for consultation with the sinseh. There I sat rubbing my upper arm lightly whilst grimacing in pain. Little did I know this behaviour was just the conversation starter a few elderly ladies were looking for. The lady sitting next to me enquired about my pain and I briefly told her I probably sprained my shoulder. That was sufficient for her to know about me. She then readily poured out her misery, not only about her knee cap problems but continued to share her financial problems. She bemoaned how she had to give up her job in the school canteen (even though she is in her 70s). At this juncture other elderly ladies had begun to comment and offered their own share of misery.  All I could offer was saying stupid things like 没 办法 and that little ailments were part of aging when one lady complained that almost every part of her body has problem. Of course I said it without much feeling or conviction and I was glad that very soon I was left out of that lively conversation.

That day the pain in my shoulder worsened progressively. I could not lift up my right arm nor move it forward the slightest. I felt like an invalid and had great difficulty bathing, dressing and had to depend on my left hand to feed and do the basic activities. It was tiring using the left hand to type or touch the screen. Without much movement for hours I felt lethargic and sleepy and for the first time reflected on what the ladies talked about in the morning. I guessed I understood their misery a bit more then. At night I could only lie flat or sleep on the left side. Shifting my position triggered excruciating pain and I needed my husband to throw the blanket over me. My sleep was light and intermittent. In between waking hours I wondered about the years to come, what kind of sickness or body afflictions I would encounter. It gave me the creeps to think of all pain that would probably be inevitable. Was I able to tell myself to accept with the light refrain  没 办法. 

I gained a lot of self awareness from this encounter. I realised I am  very ill prepared for any sudden illness or pain. Even the Buddhist teaching about not shooting the second arrow which I learnt in theory was not well digested. In this teaching when afflicted with either a physical pain or mind constraction one should avoid further self infliction with those "poor me" or "why me" attitude, all kinds of imagined fear and aversion towards the pain. To be fair I was trying hard to practise, trying to stop blaming myself for going to that stupid Thai massage in Johor. I guess it did help to a certain extent.

Going forward I need to learn hard to come to terms with whatever unpleasant experiences that may befall me and learn to manage instead of reacting. Instead of a fake 没 办法 what is needed is a genuine realization of the inevitability paralleled with active management techniques.