For the seeds to ripen

I am no skilled gardener but I pot around once a week for about an hour fertilizing the plants with used ground coffee powder and water from washing rice. When certain plants don't seem to flourish I look inside the soil to spot ants or bacteria. However very often I have not the slightest clue why certain plants don't flourish. The plants also seem to take turns to flower along with changing weather conditions. Even though they are all tropical plants different amount of rainfall and sunlight and different combinations of both provide just the right conditions for specific plants to flourish irrespective of the amount or lack of care rendered.

This reminds me of the statement that a seed will ripen when the right conditions are present and stays dormant when the conditions are lacking. Often it is beyond one's control. I think of our country. The soil and fertilizer we have used all along to develop our people worked well in the past decades. The moulding of our people to facilitate the economic strategies of the past decades may prove to be inadequate going forward as "weather conditions have changed". The past education system's emphasis on grades has resulted in what one MP termed as "uninterested learning" and the lack of self directed learning. The focus on engineering and finance to feed business needs and the side lining of liberal arts and humanities may have stunted creative thinking.  Academic achievement (largely through rote learning and short term memory) has in the past provided a direct path to attaining scholarships or a well paid job in the government service and MNCs. In addition our paternalistic government has, as someone puts it, "infantised" the citizens who expect the government to make all decisions and are lazy in thinking. To survive in the new economy however we need people who can think critically and possess curiosity and imagination. The society's mindset against risk and failure now needs to change in order for innovation to thrive.

I was a seed which thrived under conditions where having a hard skill met the business needs of my time. I have very little intellectual curiosity, was very fearful of failure and have great difficulty trying to think out of the box. It surprises me that many of our young still have the same traits which is evident that the soil and nutrients have not changed a lot all these years. I am now fearful that the weather has changed so much that the young seeds of our country will stay dormant. Their inappropriate conditioning may make it hard for them to thrive.

Silent Listen-ing

When we listen to someone speaking the words being processed, depending on the speed of speech is around 120 to 250 words per minute. When we think however it is at a speed of around 600 words per minute. Our mind automatically thinks that it can wander a bit and come back to catch what is being said. Therein lies the problem of hearing but not "listening". Our mind already starts to front run the speaker, forming impressions or recalling experiences which cloud the words being delivered.

Take for instance a situation at a marriage counselling session. When one partner talks the other is already forming judgement and mentally preparing defenses to refute the other's statements. One strategy for marriage counselling is the "The speaker listening" technique. Each partner is given a fixed time to speak without interruption from the other. After that the listener is asked to paraphrase what was being said.The speaker then validates or clarifies what is meant if the paraphrase is inaccurate. The listening partner waits for his/her turn to speak to ask questions and express his own thoughts and feelings. As the greatest benefit of this technique lies in the cathartic feeling of being heard, problem solving is suspended for the time being.

Even counsellors can fall short of listening when preoccupied with delivering an appropriate response whilst hearing the client. Remaining quiet is difficult as it may imply not understanding the problem or a loss of words. In fact it has been said that it can be beneficial for the client to feel that he/she is being heard and the counsellor is at a loss of words.

Is it by chance that "silent" and "listen" share the same alphabets? Silent in this respect also means quieting the mind to fully focus on listening.

A paradigm shift needed

Read the book review by Linda Lim, Professor of Strategy at University of Michigan of a book consisting of essays written by SMU graduating students who were given freedom on choice of content (Making Sense of Life @/& SMU). Apart from introspective views on race, religion, sex and death  which renders interesting read the professor walks away with concerns that these young people with their narrow horizons may be inadequately prepared for a landscape fraught with changes and uncertainty.

She formed this opinion as many graduating students expressed the same dream of a job in finance, consulting or large corporates. The amazing thing is most of these self proclaimed "conformists" come from comfortable, upper middle/high income families who are well travelled and exposed  and who can also afford more risk taking and pursuit of personal interest. Yet these youngsters often remarked they have "no choice"

The professor also noticed an absence  in intellectual pursuits and inquiry. Also missing are "thinking big" and dreams of "changing the world" or "making a difference" often observed in students in foreign universities.As one  foreign student in SMU observes :
"Few students read anything besides professional or "self-help" books. They are "risk-averse" "salarymen" in a "myopic", "monotonic" and "monochromatic" society, where "the Singapore journey to meaning is one of a clear path - defined by good grades, good schools and eventually, a good job", and where relationships are "transactional" rather than engaged in for their own sake.".

Having read this review, I ponder what are the conditions which lead to this common trait among our youngsters.

Firstly this pragmatic approach has actually served us, the baby boomers, well during our times and we have probably ingrained this successful one tract pragmatism onto the next generation.

Secondly the definition of success was collectively agreed to the narrow confines of children with good grades in good schools/colleges and graduating with well paid jobs with accompanying trappings of private housing and other life comfort.

Thirdly the need to be branded as "successful" could have arisen from deep cultural conditioning. I feel status and Face plays great importance in Chinese and Indian culture and the fear of losing face 丢脸 is prevalent. This has roots from group based thinking and bringing honour to your family is important explaining thus the "no choice" remarks.
As someone puts it:
"How we are perceived or seen by others plays a significant influence on our behaviour and the decisions we make. It even takes precedence over our own happiness,"

Now this narrow view of the world which we passed on to our young will be an albatross to haunt us. I think we need to collectively change our world view to help our young meet the challenges ahead. A paradigm shift is needed.

A trip that feasts the eyes, stomach and heart

Just returned from a short Hong Kong trip. Unlike previous trips I was able to move around on my own which included a hike to the hills known as Dragon Back as well as taking a public bus up Victoria Peak. The impression I walked away with from this visit is that "It is really great to be wealthy in Hong Kong". Those luxurious apartments and houses perched on the hills with such spectacular sea view easily stir envy. When hiking on Dragon Back (no easy feat for a non fit person like me ) I had to take several breaks. On one such break I overheard a Hong Konger pointing out to a sprawling house near the shore as belonging to Li Ka Shing (shown below). Its one thing to view the houses of the rich and famous on TV its quite another to see it with your very own eyes. No wonder Hong Kong ranks second to Monaco for the costliest prime residential property in the world. I felt that the difference in living comfort between the wealthy and the commoner is more stark and evident in Hong Kong then in Singapore (see contrast below). Just go for a hike or take a public bus uphill and you can marvel at the houses and apartments with the breath taking views. In Singapore we seldom pass those good class bungalow premises hidden in some forested area.

OK now on a more down to earth subject. The second take away I get from this trip is something more personal. See I am not a hiker and the Dragon Back hike would not have been possible  had my husband not literally pulled me up the slopes paved with small rocks and stones. I was about to return by the same path after reaching the peak which I thought was already quite an accomplishment given the view. My husband and son were keen to carry on and I did not want to disappoint them. So after warning them I would be taking lots of break we continued. Fortunately we did because we reached hill tops which offer spectacular views of 2 bays on each side. The clear skies and the wind made the view more amazing and for the first time in quite awhile I appreciated my husband. I wondered at his absolute patience without a single complain and felt ashamed at all my short fuses with him. It is really not easy to be climbing uphill weighed down by the hand of another.

All in all this trip has been a feast for not only the stomach but for the eyes as well. Oh I almost forgot it is for the heart as well.

For someone's better use.

In yesterday's papers there was half a page notice entitled "Silver IT Fest", alerting seniors of courses to pick up some IT skills. Of special interest to me is the iLive courses which will include in its syllabus digital photo/video management, e-entertainment, e-travel, cloud computing and social networking (Facebook).  There were some highlighted words: "Use your skillsfuture credit here".

Sometimes I can not really comprehend what this Skillsfuture Credit ($500 for every Singapore citizen above 25 ) hopes to achieve and how much of it is spent superfluously. For example I have  friends who made use of the skillsfuture credit to attend all kind of classes just to pass time being  fairly rich retirees. Not that I am against this scheme but I feel that there should be some criteria based on needs to ensure the money is well spent. So far only 6+% of the eligible citizens have made use of it and the biggest age group making use of it is those above 50 years of age (44%). The objective as the government puts it is to let every individual be responsible for their lifelong learning. Well said but $1.1billion is a lot of money and part of such limited resources can be freed for better social spending if we exclude the well heeled who treat the credit like an unexpected box of chocolates from Santa. Honestly, if you used the $500 to attend some short courses it will only land you with a certificate unlikely to prepare you for a career change. Perhaps more should be channeled to deserving people who really needs assistance to upgrade their skill for a living or more subsidy should be given to people taking longer courses.

I am often bewildered when people who need the least help are supported all the way. I am attending a bone building exercise class run by KKH and I pay only $125 for 5 sessions led by a physiotherapist. I always feel very appreciative every time I pay up because it is just a fraction of what one pays for a private yoga or pilate class. To qualify for the class you need to be seen by a doctor in KKH who diagnose you with osteopenia or osteoporosis. Yet in my class among the participants I hear conversations like:
  "Hey I didn't see you for a while" "Yea I was travelling in Europe" or
"Hey nice shoes you have on" "Yea I bought them in the States"
Nothing wrong, it could jolly well be me talking, me who am prepared to pay more for the class.

The classes are dominated by English speaking retirees. Mandarin or dialect speaking housewives are rare. They may not even go for bone density check in the first place. What I am leading to is that people who need help are often least aware of the assistance available. I guess it will always be a challenge for social spending to be more systematic and effective.

Meanwhile I am prepared to pay more or forgo the $500 credit for someone's better use.

Underlying most behaviours

Continuing my discussion from the previous blog about tolerating the behaviour of "difficult people",  I further gathered some useful points from a podcast. A US citizen asked a religious teacher for advice to manage his anger towards the Trump supporters amidst the rising waves of racism and hate crimes in the country. The religious leader suggested that he looked for the values embraced by them. In this  context it would very well be the the desire for security which is the pre-requisite for peace. The value embraced is thus fine although the strategies used in pursuing the value are not desirable. I find this tip useful as a tool to develop empathy.

Going one step further is to imagine being in the shoes of the "offending" people. All too often we forget that social, cultural and economic conditioning are responsible for the make up and personality of an individual. Even the fact that we think we are more rational has a lot to do with our good fortune of being brought up in a conducive environment and given the opportunities to be shaped such. This boils down to the misbelief that privilege is a right and that a society that runs on meritocracy is a fair one. However, even the privilege to be born clever is not a right.

As Bernanke puts it "A meritocracy is a system in which the people who are the luckiest in their health and genetic endowment; luckiest in terms of family support, encouragement, and, probably, income; luckiest in their educational and career opportunities; and luckiest in so many other ways difficult to enumerate – these are the folks who reap the largest rewards".He went on to say that for the meritocratic system to be fair those who are endowed has to give back to society.

To me, remembering that being "born better" (in whatever sense we think we are than the "offending" person) is a blessing helps us to have more empathy and tolerance. On top of that also remember that there is often a good value belief underlying most behaviours.

It is a good way to defuse any sparks that ignite anger.

Visualisation therapy

Although I am not a smoker I sometimes like to imagine myself smoking, blowing out smoke when talking to a difficult person. I like the detached "I see through you" look of the smoker often shown in movies. On the big screen a smoker is portrayed as consolidating his thoughts and trying to gain perspective of the situation whilst blowing out smoke when faced with challenging circumstances.

I imagine myself, a cigarette in my mouth, eyes squinting with a small frown on my forehead and  inhaling. Then with a slow puff I blow out smoke that forms a smoke screen blurring the difficult person's face. The smoke provides a screen, a form of distancing if you will from the pain; in short a sense of detachment which gives you more control of the situation. (In psychology when a person perceives a threat a common response is to distance oneself from it physically, mentally or emotionally).

For me , this smoky ambience helps nurture a sense of illusion/disillusion which brings about resignation. This resignation in turn leads to realising the futility of being attached to whatever that gives rise to the difficult feeling from the onset. The short film clip ends with me staring into thin air with a "heck care you" expression on my face.

In the world of counselling visualisation  is yet another sound strategy. I shall try to experiment using this visualisation to overcome challenging people.

(Further information- Sandplay therapy also has this distancing effect allowing the clients to see their issues played out in the sandtray. Distancing themselves from the problem helps them gain perspectives and often make them realise it is less daunting and frightening as when suppressed)