Self Discoveries during CNY

Now that CNY visiting is over it is peace and quiet again with time for reflection. I must say meeting up with friends and relatives and listening to their opinion do nudge you to take a fresh look at your lifestyle and needs.

First of all there was my well meaning sister-in-law who has a brood of crawling grandchildren telling my daughter she must act quickly and not disappoint her mother (ie. me) who is drooling all over for grandchildren. This is despite my unmarried daughter having yet to declare that she has a boyfriend. Perhaps my sis-in-law has observed how I enjoyed playing with her grand kids and gauged my instinctive needs. In her mind I Need grand children to have fulfillment in MY life. In actual fact I have been thinking very hard these couple of years how to actualise myself with other pursuits knowing I would not be spending time looking after grand kids any time soon, since my own children are at best the late marrying type. Now the question is whether marriage is the best path for for a happy life which as a responsible parent I should seriously point out or remind my kids.

Then there is this friendly mahjong session with my own siblings where between gaps of waiting for the cards to be thrown conversations and gossips flow. That's when I ruffled my brother's feather for calling him a gossiper and asking him to put a stop to idle talk. (I was on a losing streak and was a bit peeved already). He retaliated by calling me judgmental and a control freak. Gosh come to think about it he certainly did hit the nail on the head. Upon deeper self reflection I realise I do like to be in control as much as possible to feel safe and secure. Hmmm... why didn't any one actually tell me straight in the face until now.

Another level of discovery was when we paid my husband's friend a visit. There was a display of utmost hospitality by his excellent cook cum house proud "Stepford Wife". Haha  I'm sure you can sense the jealous undertone here but you must really take your hats off for the mistress of this beautiful home wherein every single item is to be marveled at, inclusive of each decorative item in the toilet. I wonder where in this home is that stack of old newpaper/magazine/mail or homeless sandal or plastic bags with all kinds of knick-knacks left carelessly lying around which are all over the place in mine. When I returned home to see stacks of hoarded stuff piled up in attempted neatness I also realized my anger with my husband and children for the mess they often create is really just a projection. That is because a lot of the stuff actually belongs to me and the frustration lies in my inability to be neat. That is the real reason why I am jealous of the Stepford Wife.

On a more serious note, it's a time when you can witness all kinds of attachment people hold on to and your own vulnerability to follow their grasping.

CNY angst

Honestly I feel a bit guilty writing this blog when I should be busy with Chinese New Year spring cleaning or out there milling with the crowd buying CNY 'necessities'. After all we only have 2 weekends to complete the 'chores'. Somehow I still couldn't bring myself to clean yet another cabinet or furniture or the fridge or wash another curtain or table cloth or throw another piece of junk. I prefer to write my blog  though at the back of my mind I know I must at least clean the open shelves in the living area or the visible parts of an opened fridge to avoid any guests having some bad impression of me as a lazy housewife. Already I am not capable of frantically baking cookies or making lanterns out of red packets.

Nevertheless I have already figured out the minimum work necessary. Though this year is our turn to host the over-30-year customary pot luck dinner amongst my husband's circle of close friends and their families, I have thought through on how to make the job easier with disposal plates, easy to cook soup and dishes. I am not too worried as I used to be ensuring there is sufficient food on the table. I have stocked up some famous Muar otak and will stand by some other finger food just in case the other wives failed me. At the end of the day I am too old to care what impression people may walk away with.

Recently I heard 2 youngsters shared how they dread CNY. This made me recalled how I felt the same in my teenage and early adult years when attending the big extended family gathering at my grandma's house. The family consisted of well over 40 people at that time. As a teenager I would be scolded if an aunt failed to hear my greetings. As an unattached adult I would suffer the embarrassment of having to repeat to every aunt that I still did not have a boyfriend and as a married woman I had to give reasons why I was either not yet expecting or decided not to have more children. And even now when I visit some old aunt who enquires about the age of my adult kids and their marital status I have to brush it off or explain to her that such things are beyond my control and is best for me to 不管 (not care). I guess that's the function of a community, to discourage deviation from normalcy in order to ensure continuity.

Having experienced many of such embarrassing moments myself I now refrain from probing into the private life of my younger relatives. Conformist or non conformist it is good that they bother to turn up and have not boarded the first flight out of town during the CNY.

Passion

Today's ST carried an article about a 28 year old tattoo artist who after carefully weighing the risks involved went ahead to Sydney to have his eyeballs tattooed. Other than the high risk of infection which may lead to loss of sight the procedure is irreversible. . The procedure involves injecting coloured ink into the sclera  to colour the white of the eyes. Even the eye tattooist himself would caution his clients especially the younger ones about their life time decision which may affect their prospects when attending job interviews.

Something in a remark made by the 28 year old man strikes me. He said he had to do it remarking "It was just on my to-do list". It makes me ponder whether a "to-do list at 28" is way more compelling than say a to-do list at middle age or later. Does the to-do list varies at different stages of our life? Or is it just an attribute of the level of passion we are born with? What was mine at 28 or did I even have one? Wait a minute. What is the definition of a to-do list? Oxford's definition is "A list of tasks that needs to be completed, typically organized in order of priority". I guess at middle age and later you will have to add the words "before I die" into the above definition. So is the urgency more pronounced  in later years than earlier. My gut feel is it is irrespective of age and stems from personality traits. An impassive person will always have the seemingly unachievable list no matter the age. I guess that's why I can't even remember whether I even had one at 28 or perhaps even now.

Thus despite how crazy I think this guy was, how I feel he never contemplated sufficiently the consequences of his actions, how it is beyond me a person can so nonchalantly decides on an irreversible action; there is something in him that strikes me , something which I know is lacking in me, something I can take a leaf off from his book.

His Passion (misplaced or not)

Gambling addiction

I have earlier diagnosed myself to lack FUN in my checklist  of psychological needs.
So I did have some fun at Genting Highlands casino. During a recent  one nite stay, I entered the casino 3 times, on the day of arrival after a quick lunch and nap (one needs to be fresh to win), a late nite engagement after dinner and the morning-after attempt to recruit overnight losses. My take away from this trip is no different from the past, ie. you can never win them unless you are strictly disciplined or programmed to walk away from greed. Inevitably whatever small winnings gained will be squandered from greed and the dream to win big.

During this trip I have gained some further insight which is the pleasurable and dangerous taste of addiction. On the morning of departure I had to quit gambling by half past 11 to check out of my hotel room which I did. However I grumbled at my husband who took his own sweet time to have a bath which brought us past the check out time. My grouses was I could have stayed longer in the casino because "I was on a winning-back streak"! As I left the resort I thought to myself I should come back more often as I did have FUN and it really isn't a long ride from Singapore.

Now what's the fun? When I patronise casinos I only played the Big/Small game where the dealer rolls 3 dice in a concealed jar, the total of which determines whether the outcome is considered big or small. There are of course many many variations or combinations one can bet on., placing one's chips on the huge glass tables with flickering numbers and pictures of dices. The fun as I analyzed it arises from a few processes:

-the thrill of making predictions based on one's imagined cleverness of observing the trend and getting it right (there was this Singaporean couple, middle aged, white collar type diligently recording the results in a notebook!)
-the roller coaster feeling of ecstasy and disappointment
-the joy of hearing Chinese National women cursing and a group of English speaking Singaporean retirees swearing whilst your own chips build up
and to top it all
-the away from This World feeling

It is precisely the last experience which is the root of addiction, what I called "Away from This World Feeling". See, it is like an escape. Time fleets when one concentrates. There was no room for other thoughts, memories and mind interferences.  You feel like you are in a different world and the the world out there does not seem as real, the line blurs between the real and the unreal. So if one is troubled one can easily escape into this 'Other' world. Yes, that must be the experience of addiction!!!

Having what I thought was a taste of addiction I entertained the idea of learning counselling strategies on gambling addiction to help addicts. Haha at least I can empathize with them. Or will the exchange of thrilling moments see me walking into the casino with the client.

A Haunting tale

Yesterday's Sunday Times carried an article by David Brook of the New York Times. In it he discussed a short story entitled The Ones Who Walk Away from Omela written by Ursula Le Guin. In the story an Utopian like beautiful and peaceful city called Omela was inhabited by happy people. A typical festival day with delicious beer and horse races would find an old lady laughing whilst handing out flowers to passers by. Tall men wear them in their shiny hair. Delightful music fills the air from a young child playing a flute. All's idyllic and magical except for one young child who was locked up in a small dark room in the basement of a building, abandoned, ill fed and undernourished sitting on her own excrement. Weak in mind and body, the child cried out to be let out promising to be good. However such was the contract that the people of Omela had entered that for the well being of all that child alone must take all the miseries. Some people came to take a look whilst others just knew of her existence. They knew that freeing her will cause the utopia to collapse destroying the city's idyllic state, the tender relationship amongst people and their children's' good health.However they are also people who can not live under such a social contract and choose to walk away from Omela into the mountains.

David Brooks discussed 3 interpretations. One about exploitation in societies, another about the utilitarian mindset and a third about the psychological make up within oneself.

-Many of us are aware of the exploitation behind the cheap consumer products and the comforts we enjoy in our life.

-The utilitarian concept justifies the miseries of some for the benefits for most, ie. tradeoffs for the greater good.

-Within our psychological self, the trappings of modern life have numbed us to abandon our idealism and left it to shrink like the child in the basement.

A very haunting story indeed. I picture myself as a citizen of Omela taking a look into the dark room where the helpless child is pleading for help. My heart will cringe but I also know that outside the sun shines brightly on a sea of happy faces.

Henceforth ???

Effort

Honestly it is difficult to begin the new year with a bright note. The fatalities resulting from all the sporadic terrorist attacks, the air tragedies, uncertainties arising from oil price shocks and gloomy economic environment bring very little cheer. It didn't help that my first session of the year with my counselee at the Girls' Home almost caused me to tear up. She described her home environment before she ran away. It was desolate. Amidst parental neglect and physical abuse she had to shelter her younger step siblings. In fact her acute awareness of the whole situation was like that of a mother to her own parents.

Recently Tommy Koh had to come out in the press to admit the facts he quoted in his article "Three wishes for the new year" were inaccurate. He had said earlier that a third of our school going children do not have money for lunch. Though it sounds rather ludicrous given the various financial schemes available,  I feel the essence of his message is about wakening up to the forgotten segment of our society that needs assistance. That is so true and beckons for attention.

On a personal front, a start of year review made me really wish for 3 things.

I have found myself becoming more sullen. Fortunately I am aware of it. It may have been my association with children from dysfunctional families. I guess it is not just the despair but the feeling of paralysis within the structure and family system.

Hence the first wish for myself is embodied in this T S Eliot's quote: "Teach us to care and not to care". It is really about having more wisdom not only to know when to care and when not to care; but also about how to transform the appropriate caring into effective words and actions. (Honestly I often feel so handicapped by my lack of insight and ideas). So there you are the first wish is begging for more wisdom.

Now onto my second wish.
I often used the following Reality Therapy checklist of psychological needs to review my life:
-Freedom(independence, autonomy)
-Fun
-Belonging
-Power (includes accomplishment & achievement)

So yes it is again about having more FUN and giving myself permission to spend money to have more fun. Incidentally this also ties in with Compassion for myself which thus leads on to my third wish which is

To be more Compassionate towards others. (I often feel guilty about being biased and prejudiced after the act)

So there you have it my own 3 wishes.
Sigh... if only they can come true.
Of course it defintiely won't come true without effort.

Let there be EFFORT to make them come true!

Help needed for youths at risk

A writer in yesterday's forum page suggests that the government engages "at-risk" youths in sports or the arts. He quoted statistics on the increase of drug abusers in the Malay youths vs the decline in other races. He cited a possible cause being the increase in dysfunctional families and rising income inequality. He believes that engaging these youths intensively in either sports or arts will help not only to occupy their "unsupervised idle time" but give them a sense of achievement  in other area.

Having engaged with children and teenagers in a Children's home and a Girl's home for Malays I do agree with his views. The residents from the homes are from dysfunctional families, usually lagging in academic performance. Coupled with the desolate feelings of being abandoned they are at great risk of school failure and juvenile delinquency. During my initial engagement with them I was often taken aback by how far behind their English proficiency and mathematical skills were relative to their school cohort. What made things worse is the hidden anger and sadness within them which I feel consumes their inner energy resulting in listlessness and the inability to focus in school. In  a vicious cycle poor academic performance leads to low self esteem and greater vulnerability to delinquency and drug abuse.

Ironically, the Children's Home received many donations in kinds. Second hand pianos, electric organs, violins and all kinds of books lined the shelves. Unfortunately there are no volunteers to teach the kids to play these instruments. The Girl's Home on the other hand has the benefit of pro-Bono chefs, hair stylists and dancers who gave the girls lessons. The girls whom I engage often talk enthusiastically about these lessons. I guess they derive some sense of accomplishment from them. They however bemoaned the lack of volunteers who can teach them to sing.

Just last week I had a session with a 12 year old boy. As he entered the room it struck me that the boy has grown and is no longer the child I first met. Though his mannerism generally remained child like I noticed some teenager defiance, which could have arisen from the disappointment that his mother did not bring him home for a single weekend during the school holiday. It then struck me what a vulnerable position he is in and silently wish that things would turn out well for him.

Clearly a lot more needs to be done to help these children and teenagers.