Self Discoveries during CNY

Now that CNY visiting is over it is peace and quiet again with time for reflection. I must say meeting up with friends and relatives and listening to their opinion do nudge you to take a fresh look at your lifestyle and needs.

First of all there was my well meaning sister-in-law who has a brood of crawling grandchildren telling my daughter she must act quickly and not disappoint her mother (ie. me) who is drooling all over for grandchildren. This is despite my unmarried daughter having yet to declare that she has a boyfriend. Perhaps my sis-in-law has observed how I enjoyed playing with her grand kids and gauged my instinctive needs. In her mind I Need grand children to have fulfillment in MY life. In actual fact I have been thinking very hard these couple of years how to actualise myself with other pursuits knowing I would not be spending time looking after grand kids any time soon, since my own children are at best the late marrying type. Now the question is whether marriage is the best path for for a happy life which as a responsible parent I should seriously point out or remind my kids.

Then there is this friendly mahjong session with my own siblings where between gaps of waiting for the cards to be thrown conversations and gossips flow. That's when I ruffled my brother's feather for calling him a gossiper and asking him to put a stop to idle talk. (I was on a losing streak and was a bit peeved already). He retaliated by calling me judgmental and a control freak. Gosh come to think about it he certainly did hit the nail on the head. Upon deeper self reflection I realise I do like to be in control as much as possible to feel safe and secure. Hmmm... why didn't any one actually tell me straight in the face until now.

Another level of discovery was when we paid my husband's friend a visit. There was a display of utmost hospitality by his excellent cook cum house proud "Stepford Wife". Haha  I'm sure you can sense the jealous undertone here but you must really take your hats off for the mistress of this beautiful home wherein every single item is to be marveled at, inclusive of each decorative item in the toilet. I wonder where in this home is that stack of old newpaper/magazine/mail or homeless sandal or plastic bags with all kinds of knick-knacks left carelessly lying around which are all over the place in mine. When I returned home to see stacks of hoarded stuff piled up in attempted neatness I also realized my anger with my husband and children for the mess they often create is really just a projection. That is because a lot of the stuff actually belongs to me and the frustration lies in my inability to be neat. That is the real reason why I am jealous of the Stepford Wife.

On a more serious note, it's a time when you can witness all kinds of attachment people hold on to and your own vulnerability to follow their grasping.