Out shopping

I told myself to pamper 'ME', go shopping and get something I really like, no budget constraint. So I did but nothing really excites me. Gosh isn't it scary? You walk the stores and nothing interests you, passionless. I thought of commenting on my niece's facebook "Lust for your branded bag. Enjoy your passion as long as it lasts".

Fortunately with further probing I know I still enjoy an aromatic massage; and yes little toy figurines still put a smile on my face (supposedly for my sandplay therapy but has developed partially into a hobby collecting them).

Well it's not every approaching birthday that stirs reflection, but certainly those that ends with the big zeros. If 30 marks the last of youth, what marks twice of that? So I go back to this book "The Veiled Pulse of Time" by William Bryant, recommended by our lecturer during the Holistic Counselling Course. The book describes life cycles, the 7, 12 and 30 year cycles. A few statements strike me.

Describing the 7 year phase between 56 to 63, there is this statement I can relate to, "We are not so easily fooled into believing that every problem has a fixed and instant answer". Yes, I think eventually everyone will learn this through the hard way. We will also experience each problem as a "process" "working itself out" and that ultimately every one has his or her own pilgrimage to follow.

About this cycle Byrant also says sickness, bereavement and loneliness are typically challenges which "demand a response from the soul" and "The last great victory is their endurance".  I like this because too often we view and expect ourselves sailing into the sunset being influenced by such silly cliches. So when such things happen we are resistant and angry, we thought it only happens to others. This is something I must remind myself constantly, to be mentally prepared. As Byrant further remarks "Aging helps us to sense that our biography is an inner journey through the outer world".


Maybe because of all these reflections I had a strange dream yesterday. Someone had prepared the dough for a cake but the oven was spoilt. I told him I will try to use the last remnants of my charm to persuade some chef in a restaurant to make use of his oven. Now the cake in the dream is just an association and shouldn't be of much significance (because lots of cake references lately). The idea behind is really something that must be brought to fruition, that must be baked, the last and most important step, and I need to use whatever remaining wit and charm.

Ah if only wisdom can be bought!

Importance of inclusion

 At a meeting today I learned a new term:  'social inclusion level of income'.

Though Singapore does not adopt an official poverty line, it has been generally accepted that a household with $450 per capita can be defined as living in poverty. 12% of households in Singapore are living below this unofficial poverty line.

In addition, a family would need $2500 to $3500 a month to meet the social inclusion level set out by some economists, and of which 20% of our households falls under. Social inclusion level refers to income which allows the household to participate in society, ie.in activities normally available to the general population. In our context it could include having meals at hawker centers, occasional outings to MacDonald for the kids and children being able to afford some items and activities most of their school friends enjoy. In other words an income level which won't make the family feel being too left out from society.

This made me recalled a counseling session some years ago with a school kid that overran into recess time. Instead of rushing off once the recess bell rang which most other children did, he chose  to linger in the counseling room. Only later he revealed that he had no pocket money for recess and was trying to avoid being alone whilst his friends were tucking in. Fortunately he later came under a free lunch scheme which allowed him to buy a meal a day from any stall in the canteen. This scheme would have definitely made him felt more included.

Children are more sensitive about being different and very conscious of what constitutes the norm. Even amongst children residing in the children's home (which in itself  is not the norm), not being brought home to stay with parents and relatives no matter how briefly during the school holidays was a sad lament which I could sense from my clients. It must have felt like an exclusion within an exclusion.

My own experience of being left out though not traumatic had left an indelible mark. It happened when I was in primary 2. The class was divided into 3 groups based on test results and transfers occurred after each semester test results. I was moved from group B to group A which comprised mainly of girls from rich families. When some coloring work had to be done, I took out from my bag a small box of 6 short colored pencils, some so short and worn I had to put a ball-point cap to add length. On the shared big table were boxes of long 12s and 24s. My short capped 6s created cruel merriment and an embarrassment so huge that it lived in my mind till this day. Such can be the imprint in a child's tender mind.

Social inclusion level of income as a guide for support is essential.

Mixed feelings in asking

Yesterday night I lay in bed wondering who amongst my friends and acquaintances are rich. Earlier on in the day I received an email from the ED of a VWO of whom I am now a committee member reporting poor table sales for the planned charity dinner. The cost of each table ranges from $5k to $20k. As we have already forwarded appeal letters to corporates through executives whom we know, we are now targeting individuals on a personal level.

Someone came to mind, someone in my taichi class, a guy whose company was taken over by a world leader in luxury goods. This guy has more than a $100m spare cash just based on public information on the sale. What is $5k or $20k for an extremely good course in helping disadvantaged families in Singapore, single mothers with unwanted pregnancies and youths at risk.

Before I even plan the way to approach him I began to predict how I will feel ie. I have loads of apprehensions to overcome. Earlier on even sending out emails to ex-colleagues and ex business associates to seek their help in getting their corporates to consider the appeal had stirred up mixed feelings in me. I had weighed carefully the words and language to use. I wanted the message to arouse their charitable minds but 'not on my account' ie. I don't want them to feel obligated or maybe  I wanted to minimize my feeling of indebtedness should they oblige. I also imagined how they might be pissed off being cornered into something not quite their cup of tea, just like being forced to buy a superfluous insurance product from a friend. In short I didn't want to be branded a 'pest' and treated like a plague in future. In addition I also mentally prepared myself the likelihood of being ignored totally, having lost all business/networking value. To sum up I just wanted to maintain the 'space' in relationships which keeps us safe and less vulnerable. I guess there is just too much unnecessary fear and pride going on here.

Sigh...I really got to weigh the value of this personal 'space' against a broader good, and be aware of the hindrances of a small ego towards larger needs. After all if the following quote from J Paul Getty holds true "Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells", I should be doing the people who I approach a good service.

Acceptance

Just heard on podcast a helpful talk on how to develop loving kindness ( metta )- 慈. Often this very term sounds so "virtuous" and unachievable because one attributes to great acts of compassion and declares "Alas I am not born a saint". Yet the speaker suggests practical steps which can be taken to cultivate such habit and attitude. A good start may be to forsake our aversion with little things that do not fit into our accepted checklist, common examples like intolerance for a person with bad breadth or one who talks like the firing of a shrill machine gun. Then we may progress to accepting people whose behaviour or habits upset us but whom we can not change. The speaker, Ajahn Sumedho alleged that the greatest hindrance lies in our narrow mindedness often demanding that others do things that we approve of. It is like saying "My love is so great, I am such an important person and to be worthy of my love you have to conduct in a way that I approve. You have to work hard to gain it.". "One dirty look and you had it" belies the hidden conceit within us. Fortunately with patience, practice and mindfulness one should be able to acquire little by little such acceptance.

Listening to this talk makes me reflect on the concept which I have gathered about "duality" (分别 ).

We perceive almost everything in pairs of opposites, beautiful vs ugly, long vs short, clever vs stupid etc. This naturally extends to 'Me & Mine' vs ' Not Me & Not Mine '. This distinguishes us from 'others' and inhibits the feeling of oneness, hence making 'Me' important.

If we can go easy on this perception of duality eg. liking the beautiful and disliking the ugly, we may learn to feel less upset when we come across things that we do not approve of, which can be often and many. Similarly if we can slowly blur the line between 'I' vs 'Others' we may feel less distressed when things don't work out 'My' way. I guess it may even help us feel less alone and scared for to it is often a lonely and fearful feeling having to constantly hold up the 'Me' in our lives.

Yes I guess it all boils down to Acceptance.

Yunnan then and now

Just returned from a trip to Yunnan covering Kunming, Dali and Lijiang. This was my second visit to Yunnan after more than 15 years. Like many cities in China one notices a quantum leap in their modernisation and commercialism. The Dali and Lijiang ancient towns have lost their charm and are now cluttered with souvenir shops, boutiques and pubs at nite. I notice the once clear running stream at Lijiang old town has stopped flowing naturally and a fire hydrant was pumping water into it to create a current. Walking through the drinking hole lined with pubs in the ancient town of Dali in the evening was a real experience. Each pub blared its own rock music at top decibel trying to outdo each other such that it is almost impossible to hear any single piece without the fusion of neighbouring noises. The youngster's high tolerance of noise is really amazing.

Of course modernisation has its wonders. Where the last trip we sat on chairlifts across mountains to reach only a certain height for us to gaze at Yulong mountain in wonder from a distance, we are now whisked up by cable car climbing more than 2 thousand meters to reach a height of over 4500m to stand next to the glaciers. The ascent was so fast that our body had no time to adjust and some of us were gasping and wobbly stepping out of the cable car. Nevertheless we can now puff in oxygen from canisters. What a far cry from the oxygen pillow we hung over our necks during our last trip which was such an embarrassment to wear and which only the elderly used. Now every visitor young and old holds a canister of oxygen and puff away like an addict. Honestly speaking it is really very effective in that an occasional puff can assist you reach further height up the Glacier Park.


Where we gazed in awe at the snow covered YuLong Mt from a distance during our last trip, now we watched the spectacular Zhang Yi Mou Lijiang Impression show with the mountain as the backdrop. This is what technology and modern engineering bestow.

Some things however remained the same. The wonder medicine 红景天 to lessen altitude sickness is still trusted. Maybe how the people in Yunnan view Singaporeans may also still be the same. During our last trip more than 15 years ago the tour group consisted of quite a few families with young kids. The Yunnan guide made an observation about how the Singapore parents had to put food on the plates of their 'born-lucky' kids and urged them to eat. He remarked that in China the kids scrambled for the food on the table. During this recent trip our Yunnan tour guide was a young man of 27, very caring and efficient. The tour included a visit to Dongchuan Red Land, a relatively rural agricultural county famous for its brilliant multi coloured terraced farmland. However being very undeveloped the toilets at the gas stations along the way were nothing more than an unflushed drain in a cubicle at the back. Needless to say the condition in terms of sight and smell is best not mentioned. A few young ladies in our group about the same age as the tour guide would not venture no matter how urgent the necessity. The young guide can not help but subtly remarked that Singapore youngsters should be more "adventurous" in experiencing the living conditions in other parts of the world. The same sarcasm then and now!

Childhood Home- lifelong setting

The setting of my dreams is mostly at my home in KL where I lived for 10 years from the age of 5 to 15. I have thereafter also stayed in 3 separate homes in Singapore for about 10 years each, but my dreams rarely occurred at these later homes. Thus I feel early childhood experiences, especially at the age when our world was ruled by 'big people' have lasting impact in our subconscious mind. What is often important in dream interpretation is to identify the feeling, ie. how one feels during the dream or immediately upon waking up. Usually a recent event/situation may have evoked feelings which we associate with similar feelings encountered during our childhood at home.

Watching the children in the children's home where I volunteered makes me wonder how the experience of living in an institution away from home will impact them. When I observe the sand stories played out by the children at sandplay therapy sessions, some common themes surface. Amongst my collection of symbols, a castle and a stone cottage are often picked and featured in the sand stories, most likely reflecting a longing for a real home. Some of these children do not even have a permanent place outside which they can call home. One child instead of picking a cottage, built a wall using the sand and placed pieces of furniture to demarcate a home; but only to crumble the wall and bury the furniture, the futility of it all.

Although for some of us, our childhood home may not necessary be a symbol of love and security, it nevertheless was THE  place to go back to at the end of each day.

Will these children be deprived even of a permanent setting for their life long dreams; I wonder.

Rant of a silver hair ageist

Read about this "Silver Co-op", a social entreprise, that organizes group vacations for people over 40 with itineraries that cater to the needs of silver hair citizens including visiting places less energy demanding, providing food less oily and salty and including more TOILET BRAKES (which incidentally my husband would appreciate :) )

Honestly I am not sure whether I would like to travel with them. Though I am not athletic by nature I would really prefer to travel with a younger group and see whether I can stretch myself further. I recall myself and my husband joining a middle aged Australian hiker-couple going on a highland trek at Lombok. Though my feet went shaky at the relatively rough terrain and was fearful of slipping and falling, I had no choice but to keep up with the group, with my husband literally pulling me up at times.Oh Boy what I would have missed if I had chickened out.

There is another aspect one has to tolerate when moving with an elderly group. The common one-mindedness trait can be a test on one's patience. Gosh don't I sound like one silver haired ageist bitch!

I have many such encounters when talking to supposedly more enlightened elderly investors at company AGMs during receptions. One particular old man grilled me as to why I queried the company on its zero gearing during question time. "Why do you want the company to be in debt?" he charged whilst I tried to explain to him the concept of optimal WACC (weighted average cost of capital). I patiently tried to parallel it with an example of how we geared up for personal investment in property, but he was too fixed in the mind about the risk/evil of being in debt to really take in anything I said. I gave up and terminated our conversation with a sigh and "never mind".

Reading about this co-operative got me into thinking what we the silver-hair people really need. We need some patient and sacrificial young volunteers to organize discussion groups amongst elderly people banded by age and education. The golden rule to abide at such discussion sessions is to have an open mind. So let's say with a ratio of 10 seniors to 2 or 3 youngsters, a topic can be put forward for discussion or an article to be read before hand. But mind you I am not referring to feed back groups on government policies organised by government (yawn). I am referring to random topics which can be something in the news or certain social behaviour or even out of nowhere topics like how much sleep do we need?", topics along the lines of questions posted in Quora perhap.

I myself am fortunate or unfortunate enough  to have children who often unceremoniously remind me of my narrow outlook and out-datedness in knowledge. So I receive regular links to read or ignore (irrespective) in their attempt to keep me abreast of how the young think and do.  I can't say I am pleased to be told such but if I swallow my pride and explore more it does change my outlook. I also must say sometimes I choose to ignore and tell myself it is too exhausting to make sense of this fast changing world, "who cares" and "so be it" and "I like being the sleepy frog in the well".

However if we do take some time to reflect upon our own experiences, how we were often proven wrong from initial impressions or fixed ideas or stubborn blindness, we may start taking small steps to open up.

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.” -Isaac Asimov


Next time I will say to some old man "give your mind a scrub"and if he retorts with remarks that imply “我吃的盐比你吃的米多” I will sigh and say "never mind" and scrub mine instead.