What they may like and may not yet have?

It is a tradition in my family of origin to have a gathering around Xmas, right from the time when my parents were around and when none of us were Christians until today when 3 out of my 5 siblings are. Used to be, presents were bought for my parents and the children. Now, we only get presents for the children's children, and what a headache it is.

I browse around the toy departments of big stores and find it hard to hit something which my grand-nieces/nephew may like and may not yet have. Setting a budget of around S$25 per item proves to be really constraining. So a small Playmobil set may be interesting but recalling a picture on facebook showing my grandnephew sprawling on the floor amidst what looks like a complete array of vehicles and helmet-wearing figures in a complete "Men at work" set, made me replace the toy on the shelve.

How about a book for my grandniece going to K2 next year? Surely one with glossy colourful pictures should be delightful. Then again, I always wonder what her tablet consists. Or is it Kindle she already possess which probably fulfills her reading needs right up to JC ?. Oh but don't I love those pop-up books which were so costly that I never got to buy any for my own children when they were toddlers. Come to think of it some of the things I bought for my kids when they were growing up were actually things I missed and would love to have if I was young again. So I must never fall into this mistake again but of course things available today don't even exist in our wildest imagination then.

Maybe just being practical and buying some stationery sets may solve the headache. Now the problem arises deciding which brand they want, is it Hello Kitty or Angry Bird etc etc? Again I had to forgo this idea after recalling one incident. My daughter was once invited to a birthday party of some rich primary school classmate. Again at a loss of ideas and falling into the "what I wanted as a child" trap I helped her buy the biggest set of Faber Castell colour pencils available. My daughter reported it was the present the birthday girl gave the least "glance' time.

OK the final straw came when my niece who just gave birth to a baby girl posted on her facebook a picture of the baby next to the iconic Tiffany box and the comment "...'s first Tiffany" (from daddy).

Out of impulse I commented "Level of satisfaction correlates with degree of 'want'. Let her have the chance to enjoy 'Tiffany' when she is older".

Avoiding the Stops and Starts

French philosopher Descartes' famous quote "I think therefore I am" may now be pushed aside by facebook to " I share therefore I am". (Today's ST Opinion page has an interesting article entitled "Living a Life of Stops and Starts"). In it the writer describes how his friend, a famous actor was often approached by passers by to have a photo taken with him so that they could share on their facebook. The actor offered instead a short chit chat instead of a photo whereby these people can discuss what they like or dislike about his show. Though taken by surprise very few walked away happy. They just wanted a photo with him because as the writer concluded "to have" or "to possess" (the photo) is necessary in order to "share". People need "documentation" first and "experience" later.

I really like the way the writer describes how with technology we are now "putting ourselves and those around us on pause in order to document our lives". Why "Stops and Starts"? Well, every so often in the midst of doing something the phone alerts you to a message or email and habits have it that you need to steal a look., hence the stop. Then you got to restart or resume. Needless to say, the writer quoted Obama's selfie as an example.

O course I am also one such culprit. At times when trying to capture a special moment there arises a quick dilemma in my mind whether to just experience it (before it lapses) instead of possessing it on a flat screen. When I attended my son's convocation we were seated at a vantage point where I could capture the scroll receiving handshake. However in my great desire to possess the picture and anxiousness not to miss it, I only saw this through the small pinhole of my iphone! From the photo I will never be able to get the feel again, sigh...

I am quite certain all parents feel the frustrations of their children texting and fixated on their devices  at meal time or during conversations. Oh but now even baby boomer are equally fixated. So it is not uncommon to see baby boomer grandparents with their children and grandchildren at a restaurant communicating with their ipads (for the toddler) and iphones etc for the rest. Perhaps only the presence of a 80 year old mama or ah gong can bring back some sanity and communication into the dining table.

The article however ended with an optimistic note about a rising trend where teenagers feeling the shortcomings of technology now begin to demand real conversation with their parents. It quoted an example of a 14 yr old teenager telling her "device-smitten" dad, "Dad, stop Googling. I don't care about the right answer. I want to talk to you.".

I guess for a start we have to set good examples for our children.

Those Unlabelled

Susan Boyle, the singer who shot to fame in the TV show Britain's Got Talent announced that she has Asperger ( a condition where the sufferer lacks the ability to pick up social cues thus making social interaction a challenge). She describes how her condition has subjected her to a lot of bullying in her childhood. She hopes that "people will treat me better because they will have a much greater understanding of who I am and why I do the things I do." This was apparently after she almost suffered a breakdown because of the worldwide attention she had drawn.

Now most people have character traits that are peculiar to themselves, some of which if less socially acceptable and out of the behavioural norm will be labelled by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder in a guide called the DSM.  Asperger is often described as a high functioning form of Autism.  However if you think about it many people may have semblances of behavioural traits similar to those labelled as disorders in the DSM. It is just a matter of the extent ie. ranging from slight traces to strong "symptoms".

What keeps me thinking is Susan Boyle's hope that people will treat her better now that they understand she has Asperger. So why do people become more empathetic towards a person if they know he (or she)  is suffering from a labelled mental disorder. Does another person who just misses the diagnostic criteria of the DSM by a small margin and hence is unlabelled deserves less sympathy? Do we therefore have to be understanding irrespective and how do we develop this kind of empathy universally?

Maybe we have to fall back on what makes a person, his body constitution and DNA, his past and present conditioning, memories and experiences that give rise to his perception, thinking as well as develop his habitual energy (习气). 

In the children's home where I do sandplay therapy there is a pair of sisters whose age gap is about a year. Although both have similar experiences from a dysfunctional home, the older one is more matured and caring whilst the younger one is rebellious and described as self centred. Hence the younger child is not well liked and this reinforces her hostility and needs for attention. (Honestly, it is quite challenging not to dislike her). One wonders why she is so different from her sister. However as mentioned in the previous paragraph, if one will to ponder about her being a middle child, her being always a shadow of her sisters (the pair has an elder sister being put up in another centre and 4 younger siblings as well), her being a bit dyslexic, her temperament being perhaps less suitable for institutional living, one can cultivate greater sense of empathy. Of late I was told even the elder sister has started to act out, probably because mum is bringing their eldest sister (the firstborn) from the woman's shelter to live with her whilst the remaining kids stay put at the children's home. This goes to show how changing circumstances continuously change experiences shaping new feelings and perceptions.

Of course such empathy should also be cultivated right from home. So if my husband refuses to dispose of unwanted items and  make our garden almost like a jungle, I think about how our garden may resemble the farm in his happy childhood kampong days. Thus I am learning to turn my attention away from the undergrowth and focus on the young mangoes starting to sprout on the mango tree.

Apps for download

So I have been using the Chinese dictionary a lot to pre-read the text prior to each Buddhist class. It is quite a time consuming process. For certain characters where the reference radical is not obvious, it may involve several trials to get the right radical where the word is listed. One night feeling the strain, I remarked to my daughter how great it would be if there is a software where I can just write the character on the screen and its pronunciation and meaning will pop up. She thought for a moment and said it could well be available. It took her less than 5 minutes to locate the Pleco Android and helped me to download it on my handphone. The software allows search for the Chinese character through either writing on the screen or selecting the radicals. I was amazed. What I deemed as a fanciful wish has all along been available.

My daughter asked me to try it out by writing any Chinese word. So I wrote 我 on the iphone and immediately ' wo' appeared together with its meaning ( "I or me", "we or us" ) as well as suggested phrases linked with 我; where just a touch will give further meaning. I was really thrilled and diligently continued with my readings whilst marveling at the ease in looking up the difficult words.

When I finally closed the text having "played" enough with the new found toy, I thought to myself that attending this Buddhist class has really forced me to learn Chinese. However on deeper reflection I realised that whilst my Chinese has improved I may not have progressed very far in Buddhist concepts. It occurred to me that the first character I instinctively wrote when trying out the app was 我. Hence 我 is still huge in my subconscious mind, a sure sign that attachment is still strong.

My fanciful thinking now wonders whether there is an app currently available to help in my awakening to the Buddhist concepts. It again may not be that fanciful, for in Zen Buddhism enlightenment can be sudden. It is there for download.

Objects that say Singapore

Today's Sunday Times has an article entitled "50 objects that say Singapore" ie. objects which over the years can tell the history of Singapore. Amongst the 50 items listed I could relate most to 3 of them.

When I returned to Singapore after spending more than 10 years in KL where my father had a tailor shop, my siblings and me had to put up at various relatives' homes in Singapore. For more than 2 years we pined for a home of our own. Heavenly bliss came in a small envelop (like the one shown in the picture) containing a set of keys to a new 2-room rented HDB flat. This was the best set of home keys I had ever received. I don't even remember being half as happy getting keys to progressively bigger homes over the years after getting married. The HDB envelopes must have really lighted up many many faces over the years. To me it deserves top spot in our history.

The second object triggered an amusing memory. Many many years ago when my daughter was in primary school, to celebrate National Day the Straits Times held an art contest whereby kids were asked to submit drawings with Singapore as the theme. Now I had never been a mother who bothered to encourage her children to take part in contests, least of all art contest. However my daughter was pestering me for a Tamagotchi which was the rave of the day. 50 tamagotchis were to be given away by ST for winners of the contest. I told my daughter who always hovered between a pass and a fail for art to try her luck. We put our heads together on what it must take for her drawing to attract the judges' attention, knowing if she drew a national day parade hers would be the first into the garbage bin. It must also be a drawing that saw little difference between that of a talent and an untalented. So we agreed that she should draw a durian because it's Singaporeans' favourite food, because it is least time consuming to draw and also the only thing she was capable of drawing. So amongst the 50 little drawings that appeared in the papers, the durian was the only one amongst national day parades, fireworks, etc. Aha! after so many years our idea is validated by ST today and chosen amongst 50 items that say Singapore.

And least but definitely not last, it's my husband's favourite, trustworthy and never failing "Good Morning" brand hand towel. He has been using this branded towel since the day he first learnt to wash his face in the morning. I think my husband deserves a loyalty badge. No other lush and soft imported towels can replace this 祝君早安 towel. I think it is more than just being cheap (S$3.50 for half a dozen) and lasting as he claims. Unknown to many, it probably has a far more significant value. It perhaps provides an assuring presence every morning in a shifting world, it touches your face and greets you with a comforting "Good Morning" before you walk out to meet the changing faces of Singapore.

More than one starting point

During the Singapore Writer's Festival I attended a rather interesting presentation by 2 British comic creators. They shared some tricks in getting creative ideas to write a comic, which I think is equally applicable for writing a children's book.

For example a story can be created just combining a random object with a random activity. As an illustration they asked the audience to pick one object and one activity. Someone shouted "comic" and another person shouted "football". In just minutes the duo came up with a story about a comic book being coveted by all the statesmen in the world. Whoever possesses it will have supreme power. The world leaders gathered for a meeting and agreed to pitch each other at a football match to decide who should have the book. They then created humorous descriptions of the Queen of England playing against other world leaders which the audience could kind of imagine how funny the caricatures will look.

Ideas could also be derived from researching into the extraordinary and weird stuff. As an example they got from the London Underground information on  things left behind in the trains by commuters. Amongst the unbelievable lists include stuffed eagles, real eyeballs, dentures and a 14 feet boat. Interesting and funny scenes or stories can be created just imagining the circumstances when the owners of these objects left them behind.

Watching the duo's presentation makes me think how I have always been a linear thinker. To me there must always be 'a' starting point upon which one builds on in progression. So if I think of writing a children's book, I will first think of an object eg. a cat. Then I will imagine how cats normally behave etc. It didn't occur to me there can be multiple starting points. It strikes me how limiting linear thinking is. I think it is the same with single approaches towards things in Life. Well used single approaches based on generally accepted norms or cultural habits should sometimes be reviewed against alternatives. It may open another world.

Living by Examples

Reading about other people's experiences in the papers or on the net often provides a yardstick for our own way of living. Is this necessarily beneficial?

For instance when I read remarks made by the wealthy self-made CEO of Serial Systems that he has no qualms in financing his children's education up to 40 years of age! it assured me that I am not spoiling mine by financing their post grad studies. Similarly, when the papers reported a judge's decision that S$15K a month is sufficient to maintain a wealthy wife in a divorce case, it gives me a reality check on what fraction of that is required for my own un-lavish retirement.

Now I am disturbed that I can not rely on my own judgement and always need assurances from knowing that others are doing this and  not doing that or that an average parent allows this and disallows that etc, etc. Living by the social norm, is this even necessary at this stage of my life?

On the other hand being exposed to the experiences of the younger generation does provide some new paradigm. However I always wonder what actually holds me back from a less "normal" lifestyle. For instance you hear about this guy, a hedge fund manager who gained financial independence at his late 20s and instead of accumulating more wealth or building a more successful career, goes away to live in various pockets of the world. Now I analyse why I would seriously never do that no matter how much I fantasize about it. Fear of uncertainties, lack of sufficient examples, inability to leave the comfort zone, lack of confidence and  too much family attachment; these are the various factors for not  leading a more adventurous lifestyle; and not just in terms of territorial but include other vocational aspects of life as well.

Whoa what am I rambling and rambling this morning? Maybe suffering from the influence of a novel. Pardon my continued rambling. Sometime my mind is so spongy. I can read a book or watch a tv drama and at night dream I am a character in the story. Scary. Some novels are so well written that it describes so subtly and aptly the feelings and thoughts of certain characters that strikes notes in your own heart so vividly. "Hey that's exactly how I feel" you may say and "I would never have found these words to let Myself know the true 'Me'." At times like these, it is really good and therapeutic to know you are not alone; for
Here's an example of Me.