Living by Examples

Reading about other people's experiences in the papers or on the net often provides a yardstick for our own way of living. Is this necessarily beneficial?

For instance when I read remarks made by the wealthy self-made CEO of Serial Systems that he has no qualms in financing his children's education up to 40 years of age! it assured me that I am not spoiling mine by financing their post grad studies. Similarly, when the papers reported a judge's decision that S$15K a month is sufficient to maintain a wealthy wife in a divorce case, it gives me a reality check on what fraction of that is required for my own un-lavish retirement.

Now I am disturbed that I can not rely on my own judgement and always need assurances from knowing that others are doing this and  not doing that or that an average parent allows this and disallows that etc, etc. Living by the social norm, is this even necessary at this stage of my life?

On the other hand being exposed to the experiences of the younger generation does provide some new paradigm. However I always wonder what actually holds me back from a less "normal" lifestyle. For instance you hear about this guy, a hedge fund manager who gained financial independence at his late 20s and instead of accumulating more wealth or building a more successful career, goes away to live in various pockets of the world. Now I analyse why I would seriously never do that no matter how much I fantasize about it. Fear of uncertainties, lack of sufficient examples, inability to leave the comfort zone, lack of confidence and  too much family attachment; these are the various factors for not  leading a more adventurous lifestyle; and not just in terms of territorial but include other vocational aspects of life as well.

Whoa what am I rambling and rambling this morning? Maybe suffering from the influence of a novel. Pardon my continued rambling. Sometime my mind is so spongy. I can read a book or watch a tv drama and at night dream I am a character in the story. Scary. Some novels are so well written that it describes so subtly and aptly the feelings and thoughts of certain characters that strikes notes in your own heart so vividly. "Hey that's exactly how I feel" you may say and "I would never have found these words to let Myself know the true 'Me'." At times like these, it is really good and therapeutic to know you are not alone; for
Here's an example of Me.

Aging

An uncle in his 80s suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalised and subsequently transferred to a community hospital for step down care. Now amongst the relatives of my parents' generation, I regard this uncle as the most rationale, most reasonable and open minded. However the illness had taken a toll on him such that he began to exhibit suspicious, sensitive and less tolerant characteristics which are so unlike him. He was also emotionally distressed as the stroke had affected his left mobility. His brains could also have been affected  to bring about such changes in behaviour. It is quite disheartening though to see the change overnight.

It brings to mind how unprepared we may be to face the inevitable degeneration of our body. Even for one in his 80s and who had enjoyed relatively good health for more years than an average person, one can still never accept a body that stops functioning as well as it used to be. Apart from encouraging him to think positive and focused on regaining his mobility and independence through diligent physio therapies, do we need to advise him that some impairment is inevitable as one ages?

There is this strangeness about growing old. Sometime I "feel" younger than my looks. When not reminded by aches and failing eyesight and memory etc, one actually doesn't feel one is older because one's thoughts are very much the same as when one is younger. In fact if one spends a bit of time looking at oneself in the mirror one may be taken aback by the disparity between the actual appearance and what the mind perceives of one's age. This is why one may get a shock when physical problems arise especially when they occur suddenly. This is especially so if the mind unaffected by the illness remains alert and "young" and finds it difficult to accept that one has become incapable and dependent on others. There may also be an underlying fear that immobility may lead to further social isolation and loneliness. As it is, loneliness is already felt when no one in the family seems to truly understand oneself.

Perhaps it is necessary to start training ourselves to be constantly aware of our body, our feelings and our thoughts. If like a bystander we can observe how these affect one another we may stand a better chance of being more prepared for aging.

Penang

A free hotel voucher and cheap budget airline tickets find me and my husband on a cab from Penang airport to a beach hotel. We were told it had been raining for a week as dark clouds loomed. In the distance, mist and clouds hung over the hills in the horizon. It didn't strike me that Penang was this hilly during my last trip maybe close to 2 decades ago. Penang is really more scenic than I thought. As the hills provide a continuous backdrop and as the cab passed some old Chinese schools with the old school buildings still intact,  I begin to understand why some Singaporeans from Penang are still so attached to their homeland and alma mater. I recalled how before my own alma mater in KL made room for the Paragon shopping centre, I would visit the school every time I visited KL. Even after the Paragon was up I would still pace the road, telling myself this back entrance to the shopping mall must be where the gate of Primary school was and this cafe inside the mall must be where the canteen  was.  Perhaps this is what they called "roots" and strangely enough as a person matures the roots can take on more significance just as the roots of plants grew thicker and deeper.

Though the hills are now dotted with highrise condos and the esplanades have taken a modern touristy polish with restored buildings beside highrise ones, the island does not lose being rustic. Georgetown is still dotted with narrow streets lined with shop houses, old colonial mansions and clan associations. There are plenty old coffee shops and street stalls with very very good hawker food. I particularly enjoy having meals under zinc roofed joints with a huge tree right in the middle where the zinc roof was cut to accommodate its trunk. I like the idea that the tree whilst providing the shade watches how humans indulge in simple pleasures.

I guess it must be heart warming for people of Penang origin to be able to go back to their hometown once in awhile and find those places edged in their memories remained little changed. In fact I read in the papers about the intention to build a Hakka tulou 土楼.  Such cultural focus is amazing. And even if some places are no longer there, there will still be the looming hills and its landmark temple that tie the heartstrings of its people.

Does the MBS sky-park tie ours? Maybe the manicured Botanical Gardens will be the last straw!

The art of listening

Sometimes when I reflect on a session which I had with a client, I want to kick myself for not giving a more appropriate response. All the useful things I could have said come flooding upon me after the event. Why didn't it occur to me at that moment? Why was I so dumb struck? Am I inadequate? This usually happens on the day of the session.

For every session, case notes have to be made for record and reference. I usually do that a day or 2 after the session. That means I will be looking through my scribbled notes, recalling, reflecting on the process of the session and recording the main take aways. A more objective mind takes over and I realise that apart from the perceived useless and stupid responses, there were also some helpful and comforting ones.

It has been said that "the art of counselling trumps knowledge and intervention. Knowing what to do is of little value if trust hasn't been fully formed." Finding the right verbal response is not important. What is important is what the clients hear and take away. What is the use of saying the right thing if the client is not hearing. This is especially so for children who are continuously being talked to by teachers and parents. For them it takes more them words to put the message across. Besides every individual is unique and one intervention does not work for all.

For children staying in a home away from their own homes, the emptiness can be gnawing.  Sometimes it is enough just to listen quietly and feel with them.

Follow this woman

Earlier in the week I had tea with a friend who is semi-retired to explore "what to do with the rest of our lives". Though both of us are doing some volunteer work we feel a lack of structure in our lives. Yes I am still feeling a bit listless, and yes despite the fact I have so often remarked there is so much to do, to read, to learn, to enjoy bla bla bla.

Now the news about Ms Yellen taking over the job as Fed Chairman will probably stir us further. Hey, Ms Yellen is 67! Not only will she be the first woman to hold that post, she will undoubtedly be the most 'followed' person in the world. I recalled when I was at my corporate job, I not only had to read news about Greenspan's statements but also to read commentaries which analyzed his statements. These analysts would read between the lines, behind the lines, the words omitted, his facial expressions, intonations etc etc to try and arrive at the real intentions behind Fed's policies. Now this Yellen is known to be a communicator who believes that the public should be clearly aware of the future-policy of the Fed in order for them to be effective. Like most woman she is apparently very thorough, carefully researched and prepared. Apparently she is known to be less rigid or hung up about short term targets as long as the policies alleviate unemployment, and as long as the long term targets are aligned. Wow! It will be interesting to watch how analysts report her statements. Probably no more shrouded mysteries that need to be pieced and unraveled. Yay for woman vastness and largesse!!!  And hey she cooks and hikes as well (oh God she puts me to shame). But of course she also has support from her husband who is an econ nobel laurette and son who teaches econs in Warwick (hey must also ask my son to gate crash his class. May get some tips which affect market directions). Apparently her dinner guests must talk economics! Well if at 67 her mind is so avid and working so brilliantly, we, years her junior, can't hide behind the excuse of a fraying aging mind to be laid back.

I think you would have guessed. Our discussion over tea led us no where beyond "let me know if you have any good idea" But then you see, Yellen has a passion for economics. So first of all we have to discover our real passion, if any. Not only will Yellen be most followed by the market but I am sure by many many women in the world.

Greed- A lesson well learnt

I have to describe in detail a lesson I have learnt on momentary greed. So one early morning I came across an article in the newspapers where the writer warned that the way one stock, Asiasons, had rocketed 50% overnight was ridiculous. The stock had started to ram up when news broke out that it was acquiring some oil and gas company in the US. The writer mentioned that the target company's Balance Sheet was in pretty bad shape and that the price earning ratio of Asiasons was trading at over 500 which made it more overpriced than even the frothy dot.com companies in their heydays.

Now Asiasons was one stock I had held some time back on a roller coaster ride before disposing it with great relief and some small profits. When I read the said article early in the morning I thought to myself the stock price would surely plunge that very day after people read about it. So I thought I could make a quick buck by selling short (sell naked and cover by buying back later). I was so sure I could outsmart some fools and make some money. I knew that I had to do it fast, real fast. However I had never carried out a short sell trade before. Nevertheless I was so carried away with the idea of gaining from what I thought was prompt information that I quickly logged on to my trading platform. The stock had closed at $2.72 the previous day and I almost clicked the short sell bottom for 2 lots at $2.72. However it occurred to me that I may need to get permission from the security house to short sell. So I called up the AM in charge of my account. Unfortunately she had just stepped out but her colleague assured me I could short sell but I need to cover up within the day (because I have not signed up for share borrowings). I was delighted , but even as we spoke over the phone the stock had dropped very very fast from $2.72 to $2.52. I thought to myself if the stock could move up almost a $ in one day it could drop just as much and I would have no problem covering the short position within the day. So my right hand just clicked and I short sold 2 lots at $2.55.

That morning saw my heart beat double its normal rate (well it was a long time since my last visit to Genting and no Genting trip had caused half as much excitement cum panic). Instead of dropping (which I was so convinced it would), the stock was steadily climbing. In less than half an hour it had climbed back to  $2.62 when my remisier called back. Her colleague had told her about my call and she had noticed that I short sold 2 lots. She told me to be careful because the stock was controlled by some players and the volume was not high; meaning it could be more difficult to cover. I told her I probably would have to pay a bit of tuition fees for my first short sell transaction. So the price yoyoed the whole morning and I was glued to the laptop screen. I couldn't do my normal chores and I was so unsettled that I couldn't even  read the newspapers. What more I couldn't have the peace of mind to prepare for the story telling session in the same afternoon; and yes I forgot I had to leave the house at 2 pm which meant I had less than a full trading day to cover my position. Just one hour before I had to leave the house, the stock suddenly jumped another 10c and more. Gosh did I panic as I watched the price climbed. In the end I was forced to buy back at $2.70, incurring a loss of over 350 bucks.

Now I have paid to learn a few things about myself and about greed in general:

1) I certainly do not have the fearless composure of a trader or a gambler
2) I am too emotionally attached to a trade ( as a reflection of my cleverness or foolishness ) to view the situation objectively
3) I can not stomach big losses or rather my heart isn't game for such thrills
4) Because of greed, I lost a whole morning of quiet and calm reading as well light-hearted moments preparing for the afternoon story telling session
5) Because of greed, I was really not my normal self. It was as if I lost control, my head was tight and tense and I was muddled.

After this episode, my AM called me to enquire whether I would like to start a share borrowing facility. With that I can borrow shares and need not cover short positions within a day. She got to be KIDDING!!!   I thought the $350 well spent to gain awareness that I am not cut to be a trader. It was also a $350 well spent to experience the ills of greed in general, a lesson most useful to reflect upon when encountering greed of larger scale in future.

Comments on my last blog

My tribute to our great leader (from a  小人物's perspective) in my last blog actually kept me thinking for quite awhile. Even as I penned the last sentence of my previous posting, I was thinking that I could have been rather superfluous with my comments. At the back of my mind I thought it was not a single visionary man that made the difference in this country but really a visionary man backed by a good team. Well, it was his birthday and people can be excessively loving at birthday parties, especially a 90th year one.

I enjoyed Rachel Chang's article in yesterday's ST entitled "Weaning Spore off the Great Man leadership style".  She described it well when she cautioned that we should remember "our founding fathers-plural-..." in how they backed their leader with loyalty, without desire to usurp power and striving with a common purpose. She continued to remark that this "Great Leadership Theory" which believes that the "innate intelligence" in civil servants enables them to take on any portfolio, has manifested dangers. She felt that the legacy of this Great Leadership Theory "has narrowed our minds" and stunted the citizen's  belief in their own ability to bring about changes. So when things go wrong the government is expected to answer for it and to find solutions.

Now being a real  小人, I can now blame my own narrow mindedness on the Government and the social construct it has created :(

Jokes aside, a bad workman can not blame his tools forever. At my age, I jolly well get cracking to be more aware, ask more questions, try to think broader and deeper, though it is really not that easy to change a shallow thinking habit at this age. This country should really run a university for senior citizens offering courses like political science, social studies and other humanities subjects at low tuition fees.They owe us this last chance to broaden our minds after conditioning us to narrow economic modes of unquestioning utility thinking, don't they?