Turn off the Projector-Valentine's Day

Listened to a podcast talk about love quite coincidentally on Valentine's Day. Susan Piver describes a  common behaviour amongst couples is to project an expected image onto the partner. There is also the underlying expectation that one's partner is supposed to make oneself happy. Thus if one believes that certain material and psychological needs have to be met in order to be happy, the partner is often expected to provide them. When unfulfilled the partner gets the blame for one's unhappiness.

So for instance if  you look to your spouse to make you feel safe or complete you are setting yourself up for trouble. As long as this emotional need remains unabated you will feel that your partner has fallen short as a spouse. On a lighter note if you find your life boring and expects your spouse to make your life exciting you are also in for frustration as long as you fail to spice up your own life independently.

I am also now  wondering whether the higher tendency for wives to nag their husbands than vice-verse indicate that women  are more prone to project an expected image onto their spouse. Susan Piver thinks that it is a blessing to be loved by someone who has turned the projector off and sees you  with sharp precision as you are.

I think between my husband and me I am the one who has to turn the projector off because his projector is quite dim and not as glaring as mine. For that I am appreciative.

The Ropebridge

Extract from Pico Iyer's Sun After Dark, about Tibet:

"The Chinese would say that.......Tibet is poor precisely because it devotes its time to gods and prayer and superstition. Many Tibetans might reply that karaoke parlors and industrial cranes look to them like what is truly barbaric. The traveler, anxious in most cases to see the particular beauty and dignity of an ancient culture preserved- yet in no position to suggest that its people live without the schools and hospitals he finds so essential himself- walks between the sides as across one of the ropebridges that famously span the gorges of the Himalayas. Swaying one way, as the wind catches the bridge, swaying the other."

Reading this reminds me of our own predicament back home. The only difference is the little "beauty" and "dignity" of a "culture preserved"to start with is already wearing so thin in Singapore.

Towards Extinction

So much head and heart expressions on the White Paper. Now I think the best reads are those coming from NMPs who do not need to pledge allegiance to either party, or even better any MP who does not share the same opinion with that of his or her party. I think their view will be objective and worthy.

Again I am impressed with Lawrence Lien's take, who proposes a cap on 6 million (well a middle way approach of course but his rhetoric is sound). He casts doubts on the government's promise to increase productivity citing the same promise 10 years ago. What turned out in the end was just the import of low cost labour to spur the growth.

He also suggests that the government draws on its reserve to invest in strategic industries. Temasek can also invest and help local companies that depend on cheap labour to restructure and "rehabilitate" instead of continuing the feed of "drugs". I also share his sentiments that we have to increase the minimum wage to draw our own citizens to blue collar jobs, thus upgrading their status. (hmm... I think I like this guy because he uses a lot of metaphors). He also supports the moving of lower-skilled companies out of Singapore.

You know I was thinking about this for awhile, all these talk about how so few young people supporting old people. (Makes you feel that the baby boomers are really a nuisance). No I was just wondering whether the government can enter into a long term lease with Johor or Indonesia for a piece of land to build retirement villages and export us there. We can then tap their cheap labour to provide elderly care. Yes, drastic, pragmatic and soulless, but hasn't that been its approach for the past decades, resulting in the words of Low Thia Kiang " a social and physical environment that is not conducive to family life".

This guy Walter Lee who wrote to the forum provided a good analysis. He thinks that unlike London, New York and HK which are regional cities which need an open door policy, Singapore is not a regional city but a city-state ie. a nation and a country as well. At such unlike the other cities we have to uphold a national identity and an "active citizenry". A regional city on the other hand can afford a populace that is "inherently mobile and highly transient". In short what he was pointing out in his article is that whilst we have to keep up with economic growth for survival we have to watch out whether we will lose our identity that will result in emigration and low birth rate.

At the end of day we need to make sure our short term economic survival instinct do not lead us down a long path, toward extinction.

A Field Day

Is there such a thing as “inspiration inherent in the air" ? Driving through villages in Ubud , Bali is like being a roving camera in a natural museum. The streets are lined with endless shops with display of wood & bronze carvings, stone statues, wooden door frames, paintings and various other forms of artistic expressions. The driver plays a folk music CD, the composer of which is from his village. As the car passes various villages we were introduced to the artistic talents peculiar in each.

Sitting in the balcony of your hotel room looking out at the rice terraces, you watch the world and sink an inch deeper into yourself. In the morning the rice plots were still filled with rice crops. When you returned in the evening from your day trip, the crops were harvested and bare muddy ponds lay before you. It must have been a good harvest for the farmer. In the morning, flocks of ducks swam in the uncluttered plots. For the farmer perhaps a bountiful rice harvest that promises more of his needs being met; for the ducks the space and joy swimming in openness. Farmer and ducks love a harvest.

I also noticed dogs roaming everywhere in Ubud. The driver thinks maybe 90% of families keep dogs. I know the farmer near our hotel has at least 3 running along him on the padi field ridges and chasing the ducks which block the way. Most times the dogs in Ubud seem engaged in the activities of their owners, a dog watches as its owner shave wood blocks, a couple of dogs seem to offer some tips when a group of men were discussing how to distangle a cut bamboo pole from the overhead wires and a dog beside the little girl helping her to push the sale of postcards. I think of Fluffy, my neighbour’s dog back home and how my neighbour will whine sweetly when she is back from work in the evening “Oh Fluffy, you lucky dog, sleeping the whole day whilst I was out slogging.” Obviously she doesn’t know what it means to be lucky in a dog’s world. How can she, when most of us don’t even know what constitutes being born lucky in the world of humans.



(More about Bali later, so much reflection)

I am Joe's .....

People of my generation may remember that Readers Digest was a popular magazine in the sixties and seventies. Our family subscribed to the magazine in the hope that the children could improve their English. Of particular interest to me was the regular feature on certain part of the body entitled "I am Joe's ....." (Brains or stomach or heart etc). The feature was written in the voice of the body part explaining its function. What was more interesting was how the organ expressed its dismay over Joe's neglect or unhealthy habits which were detrimental to its well being. In a first person's voice the body part would express frustrations or anger at Joe's ignorance and inability to take care of his own body.

This feature could not be more relevant today than before. This is especially true for the youngsters who live a lifestyle as if there is no tomorrow. They deprive their body from adequate rest, intoxicate themselves, stretch their limits; all in the name of grasping opportunities to achieve success or maximizing experiences in life. Not listening to their body they also lose touch of themselves.When you read the life story of a body part in first person, it evoked in you sympathy and respect for your body. So for example when Joe's heart cringed in pain because Joe wasn't watching his stress level and suffered a heart attack you really felt its pain and began to appreciate your own heart.

In Jungian psychology the shadow represents the unconscious aspect of our personality that our conscious ego can not recognise or refuses to acknowledge. When repressed and ignored too much it may break out in pathological behaviour. But what tall order to get people of today's world to listen to their unconscious mind. What I am lamenting is, even the tangible, physical, obvious, highly visible body that we walk around in is being ignored. ( Gosh I must be really exhausted having to watch over my husband like a hawk so that he does not consume things detrimental to his health ! ). Aaah.. now I know why the article talks about a MAN's body part (ie. Joe's this and that; mind you NOT Josephine's). It is because men are bigger culprits in denying their body of respect.

Incidentally Thich Nhat Hanh describes our high-consumption lifestyle as a means to avoid acknowledging our body, our mind and our feelings. So even when we have some time on hand instead of spending some quiet time listening to ourselves, we are afraid maybe to face the "vacuum" inside us. So we go out and try to fill the void by buying new and exciting things be it consumer goods, food or excitement and addictions in their various forms.

The good news is once we start allotting some "quiet time" on a daily basis, that becomes an addiction too, a good one that is. With that habit we may be able to hear the murmurings of the body parts within us as well. Who knows they may one day be saying "Good Job, Joe" or  more likely "Good Job Josephine" !

Penthouse & Pent up Feelings

In today's papers there is an article on penthouse,explaining what kinds of housing are termed as penthouses. "What?" I thought to myself " I knew what a penthouse is when I was 12 ".

My memory was jolted to that day at school in Primary 6. I came from quite a prestigious girls' school in KL. The school had a streaming system from primary 2 onwards based on yearly academic performance. So if you were placed in "A" class you were the cream of your cohort in school. Within each class there was further streaming into A, B and C groups with children in each group sitting in a cluster. That day the topic was on types of housing. Having described each type of housing the teacher asked pupils to name the type of accomodation they lived in. So pupils in the C group stayed largely in flats or shop houses whilst the majority in A group named terrace houses. I remembered quite clearly when one of the girls in A group said "penthouse", the teacher whined in surprise. This teacher was famous for favoring children whose mothers bestowed her with home baked cakes and jellies. From her whine I knew a "penthouse" must be really gorgeous. The teacher then explained to the class that a penthouse is an apartment that occupies the whole floor of a building. I wasn't suitably impressed as I couldn't figure why it was a  big deal to stay in a huge space in mid air. From that day onwards however the girl who lived in a "penthouse" moved a notch or two up the teacher's pet list.

It is strange how such memories are etched in childhood memories. I have a friend who bought a Mercedes a few years ago. Whilst taking a joy ride in her new car she explained to me she bought it to fulfill a childhood wish. She had watched her classmates being fetched to and fro in Mercedes. She just loved the car and told herself she would get one when she grew up. Mind you this was from a lady who would not spend a single cent on any branded stuff. She explained the Mercedes was her one and only weakness and having fulfilled her dream she will not bother too much what her next car would be.

Back to the penthouse, I am rather surprised today that the penthouse discussion in class was lodged in my memory all these years. It makes wonder about my subconscious. Certainly there was harbor of jealousy which my conscience frowned upon. Jealousy was forbidden both at home and in school. Only evil people feel jealous as in Cinderella's wicked sisters or Snow White's wicked step mother or Joseph's jealous brothers. So no I could not be angry with the teacher for favoring the rich because then I would be jealous. Does that explain why even today I am still struggling with over sensitivity to perceived unfairness.  Would it have been better if someone told me then it was alright to be angry with the teacher. When anger was accepted then perhaps jealousy would have dissipated.

Alternatively like my friend I should go and get myself a penthouse, a cheap one. (Apparently one development of shoe box units included so called penthouse units with floor area of 635 sq ft!) Unfortunately I missed the 11 Jan midnight dateline, before the property control measures took effect. So without a penthouse I continue to struggle with my pent up feelings.

All the Proponents on Happiness

Listened to a BBC forum on happiness. American positive psychologist Todd Kashdan said being curious is the key to happiness. Belgian environmental scientist Eric Lambin propounded how our lives can be enriched by contact with nature, and novelist Eva Hoffman's recipe for happiness is learning to value our time.

Kasdan talked about how being curious spurs our growth. Most of us are afraid to pursue interests or passions which may not be highly regarded by others. Instead of clinging on to familiarities, he suggested that people  should take the anxiety out of uncertainty and create a sense of wonder in discovering things. When the other panelists queried whether his strategy meant a constant seeking of stimulation externally, he clarified that it is not confined to external things but  includes curiosity about our own thoughts.

 Eric Lambin alluded that happiness experienced being with nature could have biological origins. Our fore fore fathers would feel secure and well provided in a landscape where there was natural water resource, bountiful grassland and vegetation. Thus gardening brings about a sense of well being. Another way to enrich our life is being with animals or pets as they too are part of nature.

Lastly novelist and philosopher writer Eva Hoffman talked about learning to value time. The manner in which time is constructed, used and lived will make a difference in our well being. If we can learn to savour each experience spontaneously we will not lose the experience. This is in contrast to a mindset of deploying time with utmost efficiency where time is money and where each moment has to be exploited to the fullest. In using time in this manner we are unable to reflect and "experience the experience". An optimum sense of well being can be achieved when one is fully engaged in a purposeful activity (purposeful as deemed by you yourself even if others may consider it a waste of time). She believes that being truly in the here and now engaging in each activity will create  that  state of flow. 

I think about the above advocates and compare them to the cornerstones of Choice Theory which are the 5 genetically driven needs.In addition to the basic survival needs the other 4 psychological needs are 1) belonging/connection/love, 2) fun/learning, 3) freedom/autonomy and 4) power/achievement.

Looks like there are endless proponents on "happiness".

I guess Kasdan's curiosity is similar to the 'fun/learning' of Choice Theory whilst Eric Lambin's being with nature has some semblance of 'belonging/connection/love'. I feel that Choice theory's 'freedom/autonomy' does in fact feature in all the advocates of the above mentioned forum. For as long as one is not crippled by people's opinion and has independence one will be free to indulge in whatever curiosity one fancies, languish in nature and will be able to go with the flow undictated by the time demands of others.