Antonio's Inexplicable melancholy

In the Merchant of Venice, Antonio was a hopelessly melancholic character who found it difficult to place a finger on the cause of his constant moodiness; thus his famous lament "I hold the world but as the world, A stage, where every man must play a part; And mine a sad one".

In Greco-Roman medical analysis of temperaments (psychology), there were 4 predominant temperaments in people known as the 4 "humors" that  being sanguine (pleasure-seeking, sociable, impulsive), choleric (ambitious, aggressive, leader-like), melancholic (introverted, over pondering, sad), and phlegmatic (calm, unemotional, sluggish). The 4 "humors" concept was based on the assumption that the body fluids (humors) within a person was responsible for his mood and personality . Thus Hippocrates described a melancholic person as having too much black bile thus the word "melan chole" in Greek, the phlegmatic person had much phlegm. Any excesses of a certain body fluid would cause some personality disorder. Treatment was in the form of medicine, diet or blood-letting using leeches.

I find myself a bit of an Antonio, as in sometimes I feel moody or anxious for no good reason. When I feel this way I will usually find a cause to justify my unease. It could be some situation not so desirable that I wish I could get rid of or something lacking which will make me happy. Very often melancholy arises out of boredom and anxiety out of existential angst perhaps.

Of late I have been trying my best to maintain a routine of meditating for about half an hour daily. During the first 15 minutes thoughts will come and go. Most thoughts that surface initially will be about jobs or chores that need to be done and little plans to carry them out. As these come and subside issues underlying the feeling of the day usually arise and I have to will myself to focus on my breath. So these thoughts come forth and retreat like the ebb of a tide. Sometime in the middle of the session with the aid of the regular and slow deep breathing the mind quietens down and the heart feels more at ease. In some snapshot moments I may come to some awareness that things around me are "Just what they are". There is nothing in the air or the cloudy sky or the trembling leaves to suggest gloom or nervousness. They are neutral and are just what they are, the environment and the situation; and whether I colour them gray or forlorn is all in my mind.

Studies have shown that meditation makes one less reactive to stress and pain. In fact MRI scans have found that with more hours of meditation, the meditator's emotional networks were less active during experimental distracting sounds, which meant it was easier for the meditator to focus. I strongly believe that it is not only being able to focus but also to have a clearer mind and shedding those tinted glass over one's eyes.

Surely meditation is also a more pleasant form of therapy than letting leeches feast on you.

Baby boomers' crushed dream?

It is an inherent biological instinct for parents not only to care and provide for their children but expect the lives of their children to improve over theirs. Our generation, the baby boomers have fulfilled such expectations of our parents in terms of being better educated, enjoying much more material comfort and healthcare and being more aware of the world at large. It is only natural for us to expect that our children should enjoy yet a higher level of these and it disturbs us when we realise they may instead  suffer a heavy set back as a result of our past excesses.

Leaving aside the huge deficit and the worn out infrastructure in far away US, we the baby boomers in this part of the world have our share in contributing to the aftermath of our excesses. We benefited from almost free education, rode on the economic growth and property boom in a relatively stress free and less competitive environment; and by sheer numbers redirected the use of limited natural resources to satisfy our needs. We fuel the rising housing prices and have insatiable demand for consumer goods. Now our children have to work all their lives to serve the house mortgage, suffer the consequence of global warming and will feel the impact of heavier government spending on elderly healthcare at the expense of say education. As a result of a growing income divide our next generation may also experience greater social immobility.

The next generation is sometimes described as a " generation screwed". Parents all the world over worry for their children's future and well being.  We worry about our children’s finances, relationship issues and problems in balancing work and family. Back home, Singapore is also facing a severe fertility crisis which if uncorrected will in the words of LKY see the country "fold up". The competitve environment and heavy job demands are named as contributing factors. Will our children be the last mohicans with no one to take care of them when they turn old after slogging a lifetime to survive? This is inconceivable in the minds of us baby boomers who ironically have worked hard to forge a better future for our children. Our predominant focus on economic growth and competitiveness seems now to have backfired leaving behind a world so messed up that our children see little meaning to bring yet another generation to endure. So our dreams like that of the predecessor of every generation in wishing a better life for their children waver and stand the risk of being crushed.

Beach Art

Make a quick guess who the artists of these 2 pictures are (click on picture for a larger view).
Krabi beckons and we were back. This time round we did not stay at Ao Nang but at a remote resort with a quiet beach. Around evening my husband and I took a stroll on the beach with only one other couple in the distance. We saw many many pictures on the sand, some looked like flora, some like butterfly, all lovely patterns. The pictures I displayed look like a coconut tree and a bird & a phoenix in another, don't they?

On closer scrutiny we discovered the pictures were moving as in they were in the midst of creation. Time was on our hands and we squatted there, quiet and motionless and watched with wonder tiny crabs (less than 1 cm in size) digging small trenches and moving forward. As they used their pincers to burrow, the sand was rolled into small bubbles or balls and gently tossed to one side of the small trench, forming lines and curves. Each picture is the work of one crab.

I then google to see what was actually happening and got this information:
"At low tide, the sand bubbler crabs emerge from their holes beneath the sand to gather microscopic food that the tide has brought along. They do this by collecting and sifting the sand, actually checking each grain, and rolling those parts devoid of anything useful for them into little balls (sand bubbles) that they toss behind.

So, the little sand balls are actually cleaned parts of sand, rolled into a ball so that the crab doesn’t check them again by mistake. Pretty clever, isn’t it? And we can’t even state that the waste we leave behind looks even half as pretty. Enjoy the following amazing crab art designs. "

Here is a close up from the web

I left the beach feeling rather mystical. My mind wondered about these tiny crabs going about their routines, their daily living (their 活着) , unaware of the beauty they created before the tide washes it away; and how they lay no claims to their artistic gift and how they bring  about delight to the beholder and draw the beholder closer to their soul. It makes me believe that  the same is true of every living creature. Too often we bash ourselves for our weaknesses and focus on our mistakes and misdeeds. I am sure each of us has brought joy and delight to some others at least sometimes.

Ageism

Learnt a new word today from a ST article. The word is "ageism" which basically means some form of stereotyping or negative connotations about older people. An example is the common perception that elderly employees are resistant to changes.  The article suggests such negative stereotyping will perpectuate the fear of aging.

Let me tell you one fertile place to develop such an attitude is no other than attending a company AGM, especially that of a big blue chip company with loads of minority shareholders who are retirees. I usually prefer attending AGMs of smaller companies which analysts seldom cover and where you can crowd round the management during reception time to hear them talk about growth potentials and challenges.  However I occasionally drop in on the AGMs of bigger companies as well because some of them give power point presentations. Some of these companies hold their AGMs in fully packed hotel ballrooms. If you go in late looking for a vacant chair, you pace down the aisle with rows of silver haired or balding people on each side. You plonk yourself admist "uncles" and "aunties" and blend in. If there isn't any power point presentation you hope that amongst the crowd there are people who query about business strategies and directions. Otherwise you cringe at old men badgering the company chairman/CEO about directors' fees increase, imploring for more dividend payout, grilling management for the details of "miscellaneous expenses", commenting about venue of the AGM, compaining about the buffet spread and sharing funny and not so funny remarks. When the reception begins and the queue does not move due to people taking time to pile maximum amount of food onto their plates, you shudder and wonder whether attending AGMs is one of the highlights in a retiree's life. Is the animation in such trivality a mark of aging? It is scary and depressing. 

You quit the queue and the buffet, get into a shopping mall and drop in at Forever 21 to feel more alive again. That is ageism even whilst you are both the subject and the object.

Meditation Retreat

Went for a one day meditation retreat at a temple recently. The program started around 8 am in the morning. It included 2 meditation  practices in the morning (lasting about half an hour each) with a break in between in the form of  walking meditation. A simple vegetarian lunch was provided and we were encouraged to rest or find a corner in the large hall to nap after lunch. More meditation sessions followed in the afternoon and a volunteer helped us with yoga stretching. The retreat then ended with  a venerable sharing some Buddhist teachings and a feedback session.

We sit cross legged in a lotus or half lotus position on a mat and cushion when we meditate. When I signed up for the retreat I was rather worried whether I could sit in such a position for most of the day. My usual Buddhist class includes meditation practice of 20 mins and I normally get pins and needles towards the end. Will it  be unbearable to do that several times throughout the day and for a longer duration too? Our teacher told us before hand to be aware of whatever we think or however our body feels without resistance. Hence we try to be a mirror reflecting the thoughts and feelings. Though we are to concentrate on our breathing, thoughts will inevitably arise and surface in our mind. We then have to notice these thoughts and refocus on our breathing. Likewise with the numbness and pain.

Towards the end of the second meditation practice in the morning, my legs grew numb and I felt the painful stretch of my thighs. My instant response was to shift my legs slightly which sent shots of pin pricking them. I was tempted to change me leg position further but decided to adhere to the teacher's advice. So like a mirror casting an image on myself, I told myself there was pain in "the" legs. They even trembled a little. I refocused on my breath and eventually the discomfort passed or perhaps I was no longer disturbed by it. It doesn't mean that the pain did not recur but each time it arose I used my "mirror" technique and it passed. The deep and slow breathing also helped to quieten the urge to react. This process works with mental agony as well.

Nowadays I try to squeeze in 25 minutes of meditation daily. I find it helps me to be more collected even on days when I feel distressed. In the words of T S Elliot it " Teach us to care and not to care".

A Happening Place (but what is happening?)

Met this elderly Singaporean couple during my China trip who owns a few boutiques in Singapore one of which is located around Haji Lane/Arab Street area. She said I must go and recce this part of town to see for myself the changes. "It is a Happening Place," she remarked with hip boutiques, home furnishings, curios and cafes. It has apparently earned a name among the tourists as one of the places to see in Singapore.

Now if you drive into Sentosa and marvel at all the development taking place there (not the least Sentosa Cove and One Degree Club) and then drive home from Sentosa taking the ECP whilst feasting at the sight of Marina Bay Sand, Singapore Flyer, Garden at the Bay (not mentioning the Pinnacle at Duxton, the Sail etc) you certainly will feel you don't know your country well enough. Indeed you need the youngsters to enlighten you or bring you to see what's happening at Dempsey Hill, Robertson Quay, Mohd Sultan and more. Yes Singapore is full of "Happening" places.

Today in the Sunday Times there is an article written by Sharon Loh whom I think used to be a ST journalist now residing in the US. In the article she described how during her home visit she could not recognise Clementi and Holland V and noticed the changes even in HDB neighbourhood like Queenstown and Ghim Moh. She also described how sometimes driving through a familiar place "her memory will catch her offguard" and expressed how "That yearning for the places of my youth will always stay with me". Let me tell you if a relatively young person (braced for changes) like her feels that way how much intense that feeling is in a person of my age. That may account for my constant yearning to revisit KL over and over again just to walk the street where my flat remains in shabbiness even after half a century.

Yesterday in the ST there was an article which tried to analyse why Singaporeans are increasingly short tempered and seem to see red quite easily. The writer ascribed it to the jostle for living space, for foothold in train, for a place in university, for a seat in the food court etc. He observed that Singaporeans seem to be angrier and he asked "What is happening?" May I offer another probable reason. Perhaps there is in us a subconscious feeling of standing on shifting sand; and the helpless inability to recognise or hold on to your country of birth. Such loss and sadness when not resolved may also turn to anger. This may not be unusual with city living but in cities of countries with large hinterland the pain is lessened by that mountain, that river or that forest that stand there forever. For us there is only that hill that is fast turning into another hot spot for alfresco dining where lighted cabins hanging on cables swayed in and out like huge fire flies in the night.

Fortunately for me, there is an exit after a short stretch of the ECP that leads to the KPE. Once you enter it you drive inside a long tunnel. I live somewhere near the end of the tunnel which is called the Tampines exit. A 5 minutes drive from this exit lands me home at Hougang, the opposition ward where upgrading is painfully slow. Although some condos are also sprouting, the wet market is still there together with a row of shophouse still standing more than half a century. I used to lament having to move into this "kampong" area as my husband was a kampong boy. Only now I begin to appreciate this area as one of the last unchanging faces in the skillful act of 变脸 (bian lian) that is happening in our country.

放弃 vs 放下.

In class yesterday there was much discussion about letting go. When one lets go one is free from attachment to feelings and perception opening up one's mind to more wisdom and clarity. So 2 examples were quoted. One example is the expectation when bringing up a child. How often disappointment and unhappiness set in when the child falls short of such expectation. Another example quoted was when one is denied an expected promotion at work after having put in a lot of effort and commitment. We were told that hanging on to the disappointment just generate misery for ourselves.

I offered a comment. I told the teacher we have to draw a line. There are situations when we can't just let go. We need sometimes to put things on the right track or remedy an unfavourable situation.

The teacher replied that letting go does not mean throwing up your hands readily or giving up easily. She set us laughing when she mimicked a laid back person always citing "siu yuan 随缘 随缘" (let things take their own course). That is not what it means. She explained that if we are able to view ourselves including our thoughts and emotions in a reflective manner, we can gain more clarity and derive more wisdom in dealing with the situation. "What if wisdom is not forthcoming?" I asked half jokingly. The teacher explained that having done what we deemed best to rectify and the results are still not what we hope for, we will have to accept that the conditions are not ripe yet. Thus like the futility of banging your head against the wall, ruminating over the same thoughts or trapped in the same emotions, it is wise to Let Go.

After class one of my classmates thought what the teacher meant was the difference between 放弃 and 放下.