Alone

 

There are moments when you are absolutely free from routine tasks and scheduled activities. You may feel like "At last I am totally alone and at liberty to spend time with myself". This momentary relief however may quickly turn to a feeling of being at a loss. It may feel empty without any form of attachment. This kind of voidness will spur you to quickly find something to do to reinstate yourself as some entity with a list of responsibilities, favourite activities and plans.

It is the fear of non identity that leads us to grasp  something that stimulate our senses and reestablish our memories, habitual perceptions or thoughts that represent self. Even a self with bad memories feels more certain and solid than a blank slate.

"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." Blaise Pascal

A truely authentic independent fighting spirit

 Lee Wei Ling passed away at 69 on 9 Oct 2024. My deceased brother's birthday was 9 Oct. Pictures of LWL as well as of her growing up with her family appeared all over social media. It stirred memories of my impression of her and her family when I was young.

My mother who adored Lee Kuan Yew called him her brother as they shared the same LEE surname. She was around LKY's age and I am around LWL's age. Under my mother's influence I viewed the Lee family as the First family that was up there ie. the elite political family. Unlike a Royal family however the Lee children showed paths that any citizen with the capability and who chose to strive hard can achieve. The smart and well rounded could win scholarships, be President scholars and have successful careers. I guess it was true meritocracy then.

I wasn't an ambitious child in fact I have a bit of inferiority complex. Though I was interested in LWL's growing up years I wasn't at any single moment trying to emulate her. She was too good in everything. Still I liked to follow media  covering on her and her siblings. Of particular deep impression was a photo which showed the Lee family on a marine patrol boat on a Sunday outing. LHL and LWL were each holding a pair of binoculars and Mrs Lee was stretching out her hand, finger pointing at something in the distance. All eyes of the family were looking at the object she was pointing at, a smile on LKY's face and curiosity in the children's faces. I remember wondering what she was pointing at. When this very picture flashed across media recently I recalled my childish 'wondering' again. Our young mind viewed the Lee children as having everything, intelligence, versatility and wealth of resources and guidance. In our minds it is a no brainer they will lead successful charming lives. 

Fast forward 60 years we know every single life is a complex mystery. I may guiltily count my blessings that despite starting off with much less I have a seemingly less challenging life growing up and in adult life having to gain recognition from parents and proving herself all the time.  However what I may not be aware is given her inherent fighting and never-say-die spirit plus her sympathy for the underdog; she is definitely a more noble character. Despite netizens saying how sad it was for her to die without her siblings around her, I think she would have pitied our narrow conventional view as the shallow outlook of ordinary simple folks.

Perhaps this is what I should emulate of you: the authentic independent fighting spirit, true to self.

Gratitude for their services

 

A one night hospital stay for a minor surgery makes me ponder about the acute need for healthcare services in an increasingly aging population.

As there was a shortage of single room ward I was sent to a four bedder ward for recovery. As the layout of the rooms are quite open one can actually hear noises from the opposite room as well.  Out of the 4 patients in my room 3 including me are seniors above 65. 

From my observation, the nurses do not seem to have any moment of rest. This is especially so at night. Maybe it was just my bad luck or maybe it was the side effect of the general anesthesia that made me sensitive to light and sound. First of all the elderly lady in the next bed forewarned me that she could only sleep with the overhead bed light on. She told me to draw the partition curtain but the top of the curtain was some netting material where light can shine through. Then there was another elderly patient in the opposite ward who did not sleep throughout the night and kept wanting to chat with the nurses at the top of her voice and was stalking one nurse as she attended to other patients.

When told she was supposed to stay in bed and not walk the corridors she shouted "Why can't I walk the corridors? You cannot control me. I am not your SERVANT!" What an irony! Who is in servitude? You just need one patient to misbehave and you can hear all the beeping sound from other awakened patients calling nurses to help bring bed pans or to go toilet etc. Of course now that I am well and reflect on the situation I can appreciate how overwhelmed the nurses were. However when one is sickly like when I was feeling nauseous under the lingering effect of the GA I can also be unreasonable. So I too rang the bell. When the nurse came and asked what I needed I just simply told her "Don't chat with patient at night!" That was when she confided that she was being stalked.

If you stay in a shared room in hospital you can appreciate the unimaginable amount of care needed for each patient. From bathing or sponging, wheeling in and out for scan/x-ray, changing linens, regular blood pressure and temperature taking, walking the patients by physiotherapists, regular medicine taking, serving of meals, change of dressings, attending to visiting relatives' queries not to mention the ward doctor and the consultants' visitations. The ward is always buzzing with staff. Many of the nurses and healthcare staff are foreigners. It makes me shudder to think about the manpower requirement to fulfill the healthcare needs with our fast aging population and decreasing birth rate.

When the nurses came to help clean my dirty bottoms, I felt so grateful and ashamed to have been so demanding. Nursing is truly a very noble profession and they really should be well paid. Before I checked out I commended 2 nurses in the feedback form. That is the least I could have done.

Law of Causation - the Israel Palestinian conflicts

 

American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr once said:

"Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference'. 

In my opinion, the 5 natural laws called the 5 Niyama  in Buddhism can provide some guidance on this. The 5 Niyamas include:

Utu Niyama- the natural law of non-living matter including law of physics, chemistry, geology and other sciences.

Bija Niyama- law of living matter more in terms of the biological aspect of living things including the law of genetics.

Karma Niyama- law of moral causation. "All of our volitional thoughts, words, and deeds create an energy that brings about effects and that process is called Karma".

Citta Niyama- Law of mental activity including psychology that pertains to consciousness, thoughts and perceptions. "We called this stream of thoughts as the mind. So arising and destruction of the thoughts is not controlled by anyone and it is a law of the universe".

Dharma Niyama- a natural spiritual law including the doctrines of Annatta (non self or egolessness), Shunyata (emptiness) and Anicca (impermanence)

Everything in life is explained through these natural laws. Recognising which of these we can change is similar to what Reinhold Niebuhr refers to as wisdom. Knowing the causal effect of our action and thoughts (Karma Dharma) helps us to be mindful of the impact they have on everything around us. Beyond that we have to accept with a sense of serenity the other Niyamas and learn to live within them.

I am reading a book entitled "Israelis and Palestinians; From the cycle of violence to the conversation of mankind" by Jonathan Glover. The book describes at great length the deep baggage of conflict and sufferings endured by both sides for generations. The psychology of seeking revenge for the deep wounds inflicted by the other party, the attachment to rigid religious beliefs and the staunch identity moulded by years of conflict I think exemplified the laws of Karma Niyama, and Citta Niyama and perhaps even shape the DNA of the people as per the Bija Niyama.

Glover suggests bold steps to weaken this "psychological trap"; challenging the rigid religious beliefs, "understanding the Mirage of Getting Even" and creating an identity transcending the conflict. This would be what Reinhold refer to as the 'courage to change the things I can'. 

It will be in line with creating a positive causal effect as per the law of Karma.

To Disentangle

 

7 decades of living, has that make me wiser before the brain begins to degenerate? 

Don't know whether it is an age thing, but I have become a bit more sad when contemplating about the future of the world. Also I begin to believe more in destiny be it for individuals or the world at large. When Trump missed death by an inch in an assassination attempt pumping his fist up in defiance, I  thought to myself his stars are shining bright; but then again who knows what will happen next. I guess America has it owned destined path. 

Maybe it is the volatile nature of everything, the lack of certainty or permanence as well as the despair of wars and climate change that sends the mind twirling, not knowing what to expect next. 

The girl whom I have been counselling had begun to open up and confide in me when her mother stopped the sessions because she had to prepare for her PSLE. I have tried my best and there is nothing much I can do about it now. I know I must detach myself emotionally from my clients' problems. However the question keeps on arising in my mind why some people are born with more challenges than others. Just think of the sufferings endured by victims in the Gaza and Ukraine conflict. This question I have asked since my early teens; and as if in a cycle surfaces again frequently in recent times, unanswered

 In fact at this stage in life I need to detach not only from my emotions but from the concept of a self. 

Below is the transcript from a podcast by Ajahn Amaro:

"The more the heart is entangled with becoming, the more our life is an experience of continual pressure....it might be something that we are attracted to, something that we want, something that we are afraid of, something that we feel a duty to engage with, something that is irritating.....Any of these can be an object of becoming. Attraction, aversion, fear, duty, all of these make the heart very crowded.

Yet most of us are comprehensively addicted to the sense of being and identity that we get from all of that. The pleasant, the painful, the comic and the tragic, doesn't matter as long as it brings a sense of defined being, me being something. ....After the Buddha's enlightenment....he realises all the beings of the world, they are addicted to becoming. They love becoming. They relish becoming. But what they relish, what they love, brings pain.....caught in that love of defined existence" 

( Extracts from transcript Chapter 7.3- The fourth exit point from the Cycle (part 3- Ajahn Amaro podcast by Amaravati)

May I disentangle bit by bit.

 

 

Carelessness of the rich

 

The family that lives opposite my house inherited the old bungalow from their parents, rebuilt it into a modern house with a swimming pool. By the cars they are driving and having 2 helpers in the house, I can say they are considered wealthy. 

Unfortunately from their actions and  behaviour I would describe them as the "Careless Rich". This morning I noticed a Grab food delivery man spending 10 minutes trying to reach them through phone, door bell and calling aloud outside the gate. I was about to go out to help him shout for attention with my sharp female voice when the wife appeared and nonchalantly said "Oh he is here" and asked her maid to open the main gate. Ten minutes is precious time to earn money for a food delivery man. All she needed to do was to get the helper to look out for the delivery. 

The same household would often pile cuttings from plants without properly bundling up for the Green truck to collect. I have seen the truck workers spending time loading the branches one by one onto the truck under the hot sun.

I think they are not intentionally uncaring. I just think they lack exposure to the plight of the lower strata working class hence the want of empathy. The rich or for that matter all of us tend to live in our own world. Our friends are probably of the same education level as us and engage in similar activities. Unless one makes it an effort to open one's eyes to sectors of society outside our circle it would be rather difficult to realise how others live their life.

Today's papers reported the findings of a survey on who should provide for the essential needs in Singapore. Two thirds of those surveyed felt the government should be the main party to support individuals who do not have basic necessities, 'Professor Paulin Straughan who spear headed the SMU study said more opportunities should be created for youth here to volunteer to show that they can make a difference". She said "It's when you can't see where you can contribute, then you may begin to say the Government should provide". She added that businesses and high income earners can do their part "to bring the community together".

I hope my neighbour's children through their school volunteer work will be more cognizant of how they can make a difference or at least don't act in manners that make it difficult for others to earn a decent living.

Is it thrift or being Stingy

 

There is an article in the Economist entitled "Baby boomers are loaded. Why are they so stingy?" 

Apparently the issue for the economy in 2020s and 2030s is why baby boomers are spending so little. The article was published in the Straits Times too and I read with amusement comments from many baby boomers defending their behaviour, justifying their so called "frugal" habits. They ascribed it to having lived through hard times and thus valuing this positive trait.

 It does not take me a moment to agree that being "stingy" most describes my husband. I then wonder whether my own spending habits can be considered likewise. It is true that I have not spent a single cent on any luxury brands of apparels, bags and accessories. Throughout my working years the only so called expensive item I indulged in is a Rado watch which cost S$2000+ and an Osim massage chair. I really can't think of any indulgence unless one considers carefully planned travelling expenses a luxury. Yes my husband and I do spend quite a fair bit on travel (about 2 long distance trips and a couple of shorter trips per year) but we never splash on truly luxurious hotels except for one or two occasion.

It is kind of strange but I can say I have no qualms parting money for a good cause including charity and gifts. I guess it boils down to a mindset of constantly evaluating whether an expenditure is worth its utility. So if a wealthy person spends half a million or more on a luxurious car I kind of wonder why they don't go buy real estate instead, ie. something more tangibly solid and less depreciating. 

Once I wished aloud I could win a business class ticket for a long distance holiday. A friend commented I actually have the means and it is a matter of choice. My reflex response to her comment was "I wouldn't be so irrational as to take business class which is worth 2 economy class tickets (ie. more holidays) ." Or for that matter, I would deliberate very hard whether to be a bit more extravagant when celebrating a special occasion. It all boils down to embracing value to the point that it feels sinful to waste money on extra comfort or fulfilling some desires for luxury. Does that tantamount to being stingy?

As John Rockefeller once said "I believe that thrift is essential to well ordered living"

But the same Rockefeller when asked how much money is enough replied "Just a little bit more"

The Abandoned Journey

 

You woke up and you remember vaguely a dream. Very often you try to go back to sleep to continue but you are unable to remember the whole story. You can only remember the last few scenes and a very very vague drift of the story. A brief analysis tells you it is a patchwork of various momentary situations you register subconsciously during the day. When you want to know the significance of your dream it is best to recollect what kind of feeling it evokes in you, especially recurring dreams.

I believe sandplay therapy for certain people is like dreaming. They create pictures in the sand tray almost in a hypnotic way, an expression of their feelings and experiences etched in their conscious and unconscious mind. 

I have worked with children caught in acrimonious divorce where the recurring theme of their sand stories is danger and threat. Sometimes it amazes me how the mind works. In the sand therapy room there are hundreds of symbols which they can pick to tell a story. It can not be a coincidence that the same theme appears and very often the symbols picked are repeatedly used.

Why I suddenly felt like talking about sandplay therapy is an encounter with a client last week whose sand picture left an indelible mark on me. The girl is caught in her parents' acrimonious divorce which involves physical violence as well, hence she stays with mother. In brief, she picked a sole symbol of a cab, opened one door of the cab and placed it in the vastness of the bare landscape she created . No driver was in sight but she created footsteps on the sand leading to the edge of the tray. In her words the guy (driver) abandoned his journey halfway and left, not sure where he went. 

We are not supposed to impose our interpretation onto their sand stories but when I stepped back to relook the sand tray after the client has left, the scene created looked so dismal and forlorn evoking some sadness in me. 

I would name the sand picture: The Abandoned Journey

Micro dramas

 

I just found out that micro dramas are the fad now in China. These are super short videos lasting about one to two minutes per episode. They are suitable for viewing while waiting for say the elevator, the train or standing in supermarket queue etc. The whole drama ranges from 20 episodes to 100 episodes.

"Top key features include very rapid plot twists, intense emotional conflicts and minimal character development"- CNA

I am just thinking if this catches on with the rest of the world how will it affect the way I deliver my story telling in the library. I mean if our children become hooked onto this mode of entertainment will they find it extremely boring to sit down for half an hour listening to someone trying to enact scenes page by page of a story book. For most junior children books the plot develops slowly before hitting a climax as opposed to rapid plot development. 

It is true that the oral tradition of story telling needs to evolve with new technologies. This is why our new Punggol library has a fully equipped story telling room for the story teller to project moving images and text together with light and sound effects to make it an ' immersive and interactive experience '. 

It is another thing if the audience expects swift moving plot. I think children love to listen to stories because it is magical; they can find themselves in different worlds sharing the emotions of the characters sharing their struggle and victories, their pain and joy. 

I certainly hope our children of the future will not be deprived of this beautiful magical experience.

Memorable Travel Experience

 

I read my last blog about my pre-travel anxieties. Well, I am back with wonderful memories of Spain. Of deep impression is the Alhambra in Granada (the most beautiful and exquisite palace I have seen), the Mesquita in Cordoba (where a cathedral was built inside a mosque) and of course the quaint architecture of Gaudi in Barcelona (who did not think out of the box, he threw away the box).

Prior to visiting Spain I watched the Spanish show Cathedral of the Sea on Netflix to get some flavour of Barcelona. It added rich flavour to the guided city walk around Barcelona. The show had described the plight of the Jews around 14th century where the story took place. It came alive when the tour guide showed us the Jewish quarters. On our own we located the Cathedral Santa Maria del Mar (depicted in the show as the Cathedral built by the people, stone for stone carried from the sea). We were thrilled to find on the walls of the church carvings of man carrying huge stones on their back.

During my long train ride in Spain I also listened to podcast about Gaudi and how his style is driven by his love for architecture, nature and religion. His exploration into arches came from observing hanging cables. These knowledge helped me to truly appreciate the interior of the famous Sagrada Familia in Barcelona.

As we were traveling close to Good Friday we were fortunate enough to watch rehearsal parades in 2 towns. That was really a bonus. Another supplementary prize was to be inconvenienced by a farmers' protest against agricultural imports in the form of long rows of tractors trudging the streets of Cordoba such that we have to walk to the train station dragging our luggage along instead of cabbing.

My travel in Spain was truly fascinating reinforced by a very knowledgeable local guide in Barcelona who gave so much depth into its history. It was only from the visit and pre research that I learnt that Spain was under Muslim rule for over 4 centuries which explains the presence of cross culture everywhere. 

Yes I did have some discomfort from long flights and anxieties about pickpockets etc. However this last trip will spur me on to travel to learn more about the history and culture of the travel destinations.

Gaudi- There are no straight lines or sharp corners in nature. Therefore, buildings must have no straight lines or sharp corners. The straight lines belong to men the curve one to God.

Adventure or Routine

 

I am making last minute preparations for a 2 week holiday in Europe with my husband. It was mainly  following an itinerary used by my daughter some years ago. Still, it involved a lot of planning. 

I am not sure what is going on but certainly I feel a lot of anxieties, quite unlike our visit to Switzerland last year. Perhaps it is the notion that Spain is not as safe as Switzerland . 

On the other hand I am wondering whether anxieties generally increase with age. I did a bit of googling and found reasons alluding to increased symptoms of anxieties with age. 

First of all travelling for me now is not like 5 or 10 years ago. Now, long flights seem to take a toll . Last year I came back with severe inflamed blocked ears. Moreover, many mild ailments have surfaced or worsened over the last decade including GERD, diverticulitis, IBS, rheumatism, not to mention newly acquired food intolerance. The fear of having to get medical help in a strange country must have worried the mind. 

Next our youngsters are warning about pick pockets or being mugged. Their worries are not unfounded as our alertness is no longer that sharp. In fact our cognitive powers seemed to have weakened; during our last UK trip we were dumb enough to follow a person who promised to show us a nice Asian restaurant. We fled when he led us to some dark streets. Not to forget we also have failing eyesight and lack physical nimbleness. 

The insecure feeling is exacerbated by not being tech savvy. Just back home I am already telling cashiers to be patient when I am using 'paynow" to foot my bill. What more in foreign countries when most outlets are cashless and not accepting credit cards for small amount. Then you are not sure what "wallets" work in different countries. You also don't want to draw unnecessary attention fumbling through your phone and wallet real or virtual. Alas what a hassle even to buy food !  

Oh one website suggests GAD (general anxiety disorder) increases with age because older people don't sleep well, having to go toilet or experiencing hot flashes. Lack of sleep make them feel tired, irritable and anxious. Oh wow! what about sleeping on a new bed in a new environment?

No wonder many older people prefer package tours or cruises. At lease you don't have to  figure your way to the right platform of tube stations or rush for the next train while conquering the stairs with your luggage. 

Two travel quotes from Paulo Coelho are worth pondering:

-If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine - it's lethal. (Hmmm...)

-"The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort" (Well I don't know about that, especially at my age)

Caught in the Middle

 

I run workshops for children caught in parents' conflicting divorce, hence the workshop is called CIBC (Children caught in Between). At the same time I also practice sandplay therapy/counselling for children in emotional distress arising from parents' divorce. 

Recently I counselled a kid who had passive suicidal ideation when the court ordered supervised visits for the non custodial parent. The kid views the non custodial parent as a very bad person hence the fear and resistance to attend the visitations. The parents have fought for several years over custodian and visitation rights.

After several sessions I could sense the child crying out for mental space and freedom. It is as if she is shouting "Get me out of this hell hole" and begs to be left alone. My sympathies is with the child and I frown upon the court decision.

On the other hand, some of my colleagues have worked or are working with the non custodial parent. They told me of the grief and sadness expressed by the person being separated and having no access to the child. So you hear from the mother, the father or the child depending on who you are working with. You hear their version of the story, you hear their complaint, you hear their plight and you sense their pain.

When we discuss the case we tell the story of the person we are working with. In the end we conclude we are also 'Caught in the Middle'.

When "No" means "Wait"

 

In the book Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, a former FBI top hostage negotiator, he advocates that we should aim for our opponent to say "No" as a first step in negotiation. This contradicts our instinct to seek a 'Yes" to our terms.

According to him getting the other party to say "No" for a start puts them in a less defensive stand. The whole idea is to make them feel safe, secure and in control. It is a first step in getting them to engage and listen. After feeling they have protected themselves by saying "No" our counter party can then open up for discussion and understanding options available.

The difficulty however is in our entrenched habit of wanting to hear "Yes". He suggests that we learn to hear "No" calmly. In Voss' words " "No" is not a failure....it really often just means "Wait" or "I am not comfortable with that"......Used strategically it's an answer that opens the path forward. Getting to the point where you're no longer horrified by the word "No" is a liberating moment that every negotiator needs to reach. Because if your biggest fear is "No", you can't negotiate. You're the hostage of "Yes". You're handcuffed. You're done".

Personally I find this useful advice in interacting with family members too. Any "No" from my husband usually enrages me and triggers an argument or war of ego. I will then use either passive aggressive behavior or threats to get my way which is quite upsetting. It is true I must learn to accept "No" for a start calmly. Quite often after feeling like he is in charge my husband will come around to hear or offer options, out of guilt perhaps. 

Maybe for a start I must train my mind to think "Wait lah" when I hear "No" from my husband to release the self hostage.

Left and Right brain in counselling

 

Returning from counselling sessions with 2 clients I felt rather drained. The head felt tight. To find some relief I turned to my laptop and instinctively pulled up my equity portfolio. I believe I need to work the left brain to balance the exhausted right brain.

Indeed a counselling session calls for a lot of intuition and creativity ie. working the intuitive right hemisphere of the brain. I have a hunch I use quite a fair bit of intuition in several ways during a counselling session. For example in assessing why a client reacts in a certain way in a given situation and how to draw a client to see their blind spot. I also think it is my right hemisphere brain that absorbs the body language and tone of voice and then helps me speak in a manner that connects with the client. At times I am amazed how suddenly a creative idea pops up in my mind which furthers the therapeutic process. Often the strategies I have planned to apply using my thinking mind are thrown out the window as the client presents new concerns or change in attitude/behaviour. To me counselling is more of an art though supported by science based psychological theories and evidenced based intervention practices. However I often feel unsure of my intuitive strategies when they do not fall into well recognised techniques/practices.

The fact that I pulled out my equity portfolio file instinctively as a source of relaxation could well signal that I have taxed my intuitive mind and needs some rational thinking to derive a mind equilibrium.

"There is an art to science, and science in art; the two are not enemies but different aspects of the whole"- Isaac Asimov