'Not Me"

 

"Once we believe that 'me' is separate from 'my experience' that 'me' is a solid entity to whom things happen, rather than a fluid part of the unending action, we have to start thinking about defending this isolated 'me' against the objects we encounter. Thus we need some basic strategies for survival, we have to start pursuing objects that make 'me' feel safe and happy, destroying objects that make 'me' feel threatened and ignoring all other objects of experience, because the first two take up all our time of experience"- Ethan Nichtern

"A human being is a part of the whole, called by us Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest-a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty."-                               Albert Einstein

I shall try my best.

Be it God or the Divine Universe

 

On this Christmas day it would seem blasphemous to be reading about Einstein, Freud and Spinoza's belief about God. Basically Einstein and Spinoza do not consider God to be a personal figure but more like a cosmic deity. I am currently reading a book entitled "The Reason for Life" by Waltenegus Dargie. The book explores the beliefs of Freud, Einstein, Tolstoy and Dostoevsky on the significance of God and the purpose of human life.

From the book I learnt a new word 'Pantheism' which is the concept that the physical universe is the immanent deity. I kind of orientate towards this theory.

I have just started reading and in no considered order have found the following statements bearing some truths:

Freud maintains the claims of religion are essentially the product of psychic externalisation. Human beings have affinity for religion because either they are fearful of life or yearn to be unified with the world.

Einstein calls the scientific longing to unravel the mystery of creation and thereby experience God, a cosmic religious feeling... Persons who are induced by a cosmic religious feeling seek God dispassionately with no wish for a reward or gain. A god who rewards and punishes human actions in inconceivable to them.....He maintains that the primary reason for a religion based on a personal God is existential fear.

I sometimes think it doesn't really matter whether it is the divine universe or the personal God. At moments when you feel the Love or some mystical wonder you have a momentary glimpse of the truth.

Does sufferings make you stronger?

 

In an article in the ST on 1 Dec 2023 "Some Suffering is just suffering, It does not make you stronger", Prof Chong Siow Ann thinks that some traumatic experiences make it difficult for people to "rebuild" themselves into "better human beings". He contends that he could not have fully comprehended the enormous sufferings and anguish of certain of his patients like those who have killed or caused the deaths of their closed ones in moments of delusion or mental incapacity. He also alluded to the immense hellish sufferings of war raining on civilians like the Israel/Palestinian crisis. 

It is widely accepted that post traumatic growth is possible among sufferers who "recast their lives in the most positive ways and extracts new meanings." Prof Chong quoted Victor Frankl who opined that the prisoners of the holocaust who held on to the future and found meaning in life survived less scarred. Prof Chong himself has witnessed that in some of his own patients. 

However he went on to say that not all people can muster enough energy and will to forge this transformation. Here Prof Chong quoted Paul Bloom a Yale developmental psychologist who casts doubt on the prevalence of post traumatic growth calling it the "myth of redemptive suffering". In fact this "myth" may have been a double whammy for sufferers who are expected to recover and come out stronger.

Prof Chong reckoned that people are unique and it isn't fair to impose on his patients this preconceived notion of redemptive suffering. Indeed sometimes he finds it hard to tell his patients who have been through horrendous losses that they could find something positive in their suffering. "Occasionally, their suffering compounded my sense of helplessness and made me wish, like a coward, that I wouldn't have to see them", was how he described his helplessness and how he then lends a listening ear while conveying to them that he too feels their pain.

I think many counsellors like me can relate (be it of milder intensity) when Prof Chong describes how he sometimes finds it difficult to tell his patients to think positive as he himself does not bear that conviction. Sometimes I do feel like a fake when encouraging my counselees to think positive , doubting whether I myself can do so when put in similar dire circumstances. However like how Prof Chong describes it, I think most of them do find some catharsis and relief when they walk out knowing someone feels their pain. 

Probably some statements of redemptive growth will dawn on them when healing takes place over time.

Walk the talk and more

 

Of late I have been preaching a lot about positive thinking but not sure I am walking the talk. At the workshop which I conduct for children from divorced families, one of the tools taught to cope with their feelings is to change thoughts and activities when the going gets tough. Similarly at another counselling sessions with an adult, I shared with her about how continuous rumination of negative thoughts saps one's energy. I wonder whether this really works for them.

Every morning when I wake up I turn on the tv to get the latest news update. In the order of severity there would now be news coverage on the human tragedy of the Israel/Palestinian crisis, an update of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, catastrophe brought about by climate changes, fear of another pandemic arising from unknown pathogen and occasional irrational shooting incidents. The newsreels on children being killed or trying to survive in bombed hospitals is really heart wrenching. Perhaps that coupled with a close friend's account of near death experience makes me feel moody occasionally, especially during the first moments when I wake up.

Of course I do not have the time to really dwell in the existential angst of death and meaning of life. I have a routine to follow. In that respect I do practice what I taught ie. instead of lying on bed and ruminating I get up and busy myself (switching my thoughts and activities). Does that mean however that I have to fill my day with endless activities both physical and mental? 

Now this is when it is difficult to impart to the children, to observe your emotions without judgement (it is neither good nor bad, it's just being human), allow it to be there and see it shifts or pass. That in itself is catharsis. 

"Instead of resisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it and see through your resistance". | Deepak Chopra

In another Realm

 

A close friend's sharing of being in a coma for over a week from a critical illness and how she heard God/Spiritual voices has an impact on me. It sets me googling into NDE (near death experiences). Many who have such encounters described it as being with an immense light that emanates unconditional love and peace. The Christians among them thought of 'It' as God or Jesus. I also seek a scientific clinical explanation which speculates that when the brain is deprived of blood the mind begins to have illusions while the narrowing of the retina causes vision of brightness through a tunnel. 

I can not conclude whether NDEs is biological or spiritual. However I begin to understand the message my friend wishes to impart ie. to contemplate the fragility of life. She being a Christian may be concerned about my after life. Indeed she is totally right. Shouldn't we be working towards the probable eternity instead of focusing on the desires of the short span of this earthly life.

One thing that strikes me when reading all the NDE accounts is the description of unconditional love and the realm beyond time and space. It brings to my mind that we do not have information about everything (the universe and beyond) and what we perceive of our world may be like how an ant views its own world. So certainly there could be a realm beyond this earthly life. What is good to remember is 'Unconditional Love' being described as the essence of this realm. 

Be it felt as the Christian God's unconditional love or the Buddhist precept of loving kindness, love seems to be the overriding experience in the realm of NDEs. That perhaps should be our beacon while we walk this earthly journey. 

The Chinese Matrix

 

Just returned from a package tour of the Dongbei (North East) region of China covering Shenyang, Dalian and Harbin. The region is rich in history being the hotspot for China, Russia and Japan conflict during the late 19th and first half of 20th century.

The local tour guide is fervently nationalistic, absolutely proud of Dongbei and totally committed in imparting the history of the region. So loyal to China and her origin that she came across as biased to the point of being sympathetic to the wrong doings of certain famous characters from Dongbei. I wasn’t surprised she is anti US and anti Japan but was amazed she spoke quite well of Russia. Thus she criticised Israel’s bombardment of Gaza but had no mention of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Though Russia occupied the Dongbei Region for 28 years, Russia apparently helped them to industrialise and build their manufacturing sector, uplifting the economy of the region.

I did not subscribe to a VPN which can avoid the firewall in China which blocks access to Google and YouTube. The news on TV has extensive coverage of the plight of the Palestinians. For the whole week in China I could not gather  any news of the people taken hostage by Hamas nor hear a word from the US UN representative while that of the Palestinian representative was loud and clear.

 I can understand why my tour guide is so opinionated. However what is amusing to me is the fact she recognises the strict government  vigilance the Chinese citizens are subjected to but speaks of it as a necessity for the country’s security and the common good for all. She reiterated that China has no territorial aggressive ambition and the Belt & Road was purely an economic aid initiative. Fortunately I have limited Chinese language ability to speak my doubts out loud.

At one point as I listened to her I thought about the Matrix movie. Then I remembered the remarks of the character Cypher who wants out of the real world : "Ignorance is bliss". 

Patience

 

This I heard from a talk.

Patience tends to connote a negative experience, something to endure, something to persevere while it lasts. It suggests waiting for the unpleasantness to end. Yet true patience is about accepting the experience, seeing it as it is, as part and parcel of life It is recognizing the mind's aversion and instead of thinking about having to "put up" with the situation, realize that things don't always turn out as we want them to be. That's reality.

So my encounters with a counselee calls for a lot of "patience". Initially she often gave last minute notice to cancel her appointments. Gradually she requested for more frequent sessions occasionally calling in between sessions when she was anxious over something. She wasn't making much progress plagued by low self esteem. Her living circumstances seem to be dire too and made it challenging for her to move on. For awhile 'we' seemed to be stagnating and I felt I couldn't help her much. It reached a point when I honestly wasn't looking forward to meet her.

Then I remembered a supervisor's advice that a counsellor is not expected to rescue the client but rather to guide them and much depends on their will to change. So I adopted an attitude of just doing my best and going with the flow. I decided to let her experience her own healing journey.

Counselling sessions can really be very unpredictable. Some days you prepare mentally to use certain strategies and it turns out that the client has other needs, throwing all your planning out of the window. So at the most recent session with the above client, I embraced myself to encounter her in an ultra distraught state as she had called a week earlier to share a stressful situation. Well to my utter surprise she was very eager to share what she called a "breakthrough" in that she was able to overcome her anxieties over the traumatic event in a more equanimous manner. She talked about how she has processed some of the strategies we had discussed in earlier sessions.

I guess this is what they called 'planting the seeds' and leaving them to grow in their own time. 

Of Human Connection

 

" Will I see you again?" She asked before she left

I was taken aback. Most of these kids who come for the Children Caught in Between workshops are compelled to do so by the court arising from acrimonious divorces . In order words it is mandatory and not through the parents' initiative. Hence many would be out of the door immediately after the third and final session.

She is 15 years old, a year older than the 14 yr age limit for the workshop that I was conducting. For some reasons she had delayed one year. As the other participant did not turn up I had 3 one to one sessions with this teenager, to impart some ways to help her cope with her feelings and predicament.

The workshop is conducted according to guidelines set by the ministry. Some prescribed videos have to be played and a workbook has to be completed. As these material was meant for children between the age of 11 to 14, it can be quite simplistic. When I first saw her walked into the room I was a bit apprehensive that I could sustain her attention. Tall and sporty looking she seemed too mature to be willing to do the exercises in the workbook. 

Yet over just 3 two hourly sessions we seem to develop some bonding. It was a good thing that for this workshop there was only 2 participants and one dropped out. At such I could engage with her like I would a 15 year old teenager. We talked about her pain and how she felt responsible to protect her younger siblings as well. We talked about emotional boundaries at a more matured level. To my surprise some of the misbeliefs that children have about their parents' divorce also apply to teenagers as well.

Running these CIBC workshops can be quite taxing. With the workshop for younger children 6 to 10 yrs it is a lot of trying to get them to understand the material while trying hard to retain their attention. For the older group (11 to 14 yrs) there may be quite a fair bit of resistance ie, some just come to mark time. However the most draining part emotionally is hearing from both groups how sad, angry and confused they feel. 

She is the second participant who has asked at the end of the workshop whether they would ever meet me again. The first was a little boy who said "You mean I won't see you again!" . Each time I felt a tuck in my heart.

" I don't think so" I replied quietly to the teenage girl; and then spontaneously "But maybe, who knows". In my mind I was thinking about how sometimes destiny makes 2 people meet.

Sometimes, fate brings people together to remind them of the beauty and joy of human connections-unknown

The New President

 

Singapore has elected a new president among 3 candidates. Tharman who had held several top ministerial/ government posts resigned from PAP, the ruling party, to run for election. He won 70.4 % of the votes, a huge endorsement by the people.

I must say I am quite surprised as I was expecting him to win a shade above 50%. What I learn from my misjudgement is the tendency to mistake a few dissident voices in social media to be representative of a big segment of the masses. Of course I also gathered ad hoc views from various groups of people I know of. This taught me a lesson that bad sampling can deliver very incorrect predictions.

My incorrect instinctive prediction is also exacerbated by my perception that people will not vote for him for fear of sending the wrong message that they are endorsing the ruling party. As in any General Election the ruling party always inevitably lose 40 % of the votes, hence 60% seems to be the ceiling. I was also hearing lots of grouses against the lack of independence in a candidate put forward by the ruling party. There were also calls to support the other 2 candidates as protest votes against the whole mockery of the presidential constitution which allows for reserved presidency elections. Their thinking was to elect a clown as a tit for tat for an absurd system.

Well I voted for Tharman because I believe he can be independent and objective when called for. Don't forget he was a student activist in his younger days and during the 1987 Marxist conspiracy, he was questioned by the ISD for a week! I believe his moral belief for fairness and equitability remains in him.

At the end of the day I believe it was the Tharman factor based on his personality, experience and outlook which won him an overwhelming majority. I wish the PAP does not think arrogantly that people are endorsing their governance and I hope Tharman will live up to our expectations of him; and stand his grounds when needed.

PS- One other thing I like about him is his cat loving ways lol

Acceptance and Gratitude

 

ST article "Coming to terms with death" by prof Chong Siow Ann is a good read. He advocates that it is better for people to be prepared instead of avoiding thoughts about death, so that they can leave the world in peace. 

The article mentions a book "Talking about death won't kill you" by Virginia Morris where the author lists out the various fears relating to death which include:

-fear of body being dissected in a post mortem

-fear of being shunned and abandoned

-afraid there is no afterlife and only "unimaginable nothingness" 

-fear of not gaining entry to paradise

In addition there is the accompanying worry of loss of dignity and autonomy when dependent on others to meet basic hygiene and physical needs. There is also the fear of being a burden to family members as well as not having settled some unfinished business. 

The author thinks that those who live with the awareness of death and staying engaged in life for whatever time that remains have better outcome in the face of dying. In that respect the " 5 key tasks" that need to be carried out would be to say " I'm sorry, I forgive you, Thank you, I love you, Goodbye".

Personally I agree the most fearful is this "unimaginable nothingness". It's like some obliteration, some snap elimination from this world that has so much history. It's like I will never know forever how it will evolve. Hence the fifth task saying Goodbye is the hardest. This is often termed as existential death anxiety and is what make people turn to religion. 

A teacher once said that to be calm and peaceful at death, one should imagine either following a divine being or imagine immersing into the vastness of the universe.

The ST article ends with a quote from neurologist cum writer Oliver Sacks before his death "I have loved and been loved, I have been given much and I have given something in return...Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal on this beautiful planet, and this in itself has been an enormous gratitude and adventure".

The rich hinterland

 

During the last fortnight I have visited the Johor State of Malaysia twice, once to the Gunong Pulai waterfall and a few days ago to the beach at Desaru. What would a city state like Singapore do without a friendly neighbour hinterland , I mean where else can Singapore residents take a breather in the vastness of space and nature.

On an off peak week day it takes about 2 to 3 hours from home in Singapore to reach these 2 destinations in Malaysia. The small town vibe where you stop for coffee break reminds that life can be lived quite basically without the stress of a complex life that wants it all. 

As one enters the forested area of Gunong Pulai the chorus of calls from insects, birds, animals and the sound of gushing waters tugs at your soul. I sat on a rock with water splashing all over me. Feeling it with my palm I began to wonder how many years it took the gushing stream to smoothen the rock's once rough surfaces. We need to be patient to shape ours too. 

The Desaru beach on that weekday morning was deserted. Only one miniscule solitary figure was in sight when I casted my eyes furthest where the shoreline ends with a bend. At times the clouds hung so low they seemed to beckon me to jump and touch them. The scene together with the waves' rhythmic push and pull stirred reflective thoughts of the past and what best for moving forward to find peace and contentment.

I believe city dwellers need a hinterland, a vast space and deep connection with nature to pause and take stock of life, of what is consuming our mental energy and whether new values/directions are needed

First ever Happy Dental Visit

 

Last week I had the most pleasant dental appointment. Apparently the usual dental clinic which I visit has contracted a retiree lady dentist who works on a part time basis. She only does filling and cleaning/polishing. She did a filling for me earlier and last week I went back for review and cleaning.

In a throaty voice she dished out advice which I can only nod in agreement while she worked on my teeth. First of all she alerted me that two of my premolars which have turned greyish are not decaying but the discolouring was due to the metal filling inside changing colour tone. She warned me against listening to dentists who advise me to do root canal treatment and crowning for these 2 teeth. In between rinsing mouth breaks I told her that was exactly what some dentists had suggested and I was actually considering the procedure since it was not very nice to reveal the discoloured premolars when I smiled too widely. She then retorted that at our age it doesn't really matter and I should just avoid spending money unnecessarily and the pain.

She then went on to say that we can delay filling a small cavity in another tooth because to do so she would have to drill a bit more into the cavity. Other than that she remarked that my teeth are generally in good order with little plaque. We had a short chat about unprofessional doctors whose aim is to make money with me thanking her professional integrity before I left.

Well I don't really know whether her medical advice is sound but she is the first dentist I have come across in my life who doesn't frown upon my set of teeth or makes me embarrassed commenting on them. That is why many people dislike dentists, starting with fear from pain when young and developing into fear of pain, guilt and embarrassment including embarrassment displaying anxiety on the dentist chair.

I have a good laugh when I left the clinic thinking it has probably lost quite a bit of revenue by employing a retiree dentist to save cost.

It was the first time I walked out of a dental clinic feeling happy about my teeth!

A Daunting Job

 

Recently both the ruling party and the opposition party in Singapore disclosed to the public that 2 members of parliament in each of their own camp are having extra marital affair. The man in the ruling party is also the speaker of the house. All 4 submitted their resignations. For the opposition party that only has 10 members in parliament, 2 is a great loss. 

These 2 affairs which coincidentally came to light at the same time stir up controversies and bring some excitement to the otherwise mundane squeaky clean political scene in Singapore.

To be honest I am quite surprised at the lack of tolerance for extra marital affair for our MPs among a large segment of the public. It must be noted though that the opposition party's rationale for sacking the 2 MPs was more because of their dishonesty in denying the affair earlier on. 

I guess in terms of morality telling a lie and cheating on your spouse are both forms of dishonesty. However I view the later as involving feelings and affection, so more like a human weakness. In fact after learning that the speaker of the house was told by the PM to discontinue the affair some time back but fails to do so, signals to me that the love must be quite deep such that he is prepared to sacrifice his career. I also feel that if the MPs have been doing a fine job serving their constituencies they should be allowed to carry on the good work and allowed space to sort out their personal affair over time. I mean if they have divorced their respective spouses, the public opinion would have been different right? 

I really don't think I am too liberal in not holding our lawmakers to higher moral standards. I have a more practical view. In Singapore where it is so difficult to get 'good' people to enter politics expecting our lawmakers to be saints and behaving like one throughout only makes entering politics daunting.

"It is getting more difficult to persuade people who are dedicated, able and honest to join politics and serve Singapore, said Emeritus Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong...... It is a national problem. If the PAP cannot persuade honest, dedicated and capable people to serve Singaporeans, and neither can the opposition, it will have grave consequences for everyone," he said on Saturday (Aug 17) 2019

Better to be Rich!

 

Today's ST runs a very interesting article from Bloomberg describing with humour how billionaires and the ultra rich are privatising specialised services. It gives an example of renowned chefs quitting the stress of running their restaurants to become private chefs of the ultra rich. It applies to other professionals as well including fund managers, nurses, nannies and veterinarians.

While "85% of the world's humans live on US$30 a day.....Forbes says that millionaires (estimated to be 62.5 million ) control about a quarter of the world's US$431 trillion total wealth. That's roughly US$105 trillion, more than the combined GNP of the US, China, Japan, Germany and India.....The richest 25 families in the world alone control more than US$1.5 trillion).The article also mentions about the mushrooming 8 thousand family offices in the world including 1,100 in Singapore.

In Singapore it is quite common for those who can afford it to engage a confinement nanny for one month after giving birth to a child. The experienced nanny will provide good care of the new born baby and mum, giving the mum a restful month to recuperate. A one month stint of a confinement nanny is about S$4 to 5 thousands. 

Recently my daughter engaged one confinement nanny for a month. The nanny has worked for her friends and known to be very efficient. The nanny related to my daughter about past engagements when she worked for rich mums for 4 months at a go occasionally accompanying the mothers for overseas holidays too! With the increasing numbers of the ultra rich coming to Singapore, I can envisage this nanny being "privatised" by some family offices such that ordinary netizens would not have access to her sterling services! The article describes it as "the super-rich...can afford to wall them  (the experts) away from the rest of the world".

Indeed in my mind these ultra rich people are living like royalties of the past. No wonder the article describes them as "people so wealthy their families can operate as virtual fiefdoms".

In a comical ending the article narrated that the renowned chef quitted after 6 months working for Richard Branson as making Shephard Pie (his boss' favourite) will not land him far in the culinary hall of fame.

"Too much comfort leads to heedlessness"

 

"Too much comfort leads to heedlessness"- heard this statement in a podcast. It is an interesting and mind provoking statement. 

Heedlessness in my mind is being unaware or oblivious. Living heedlessly to me is like living with little awareness of the state one is in externally and internally. 

When I search the web I came across many topics about comfort leading to complacency. The most striking being Derek Doepker's : "Comfort leads to complacency. Complacency is the cause of stagnation. Stagnation in your life leads to bed sores on your soul,"

A person who has a smooth sailing life has little opportunities to overcome difficulties and may not be as resilient as one who grows up in more challenging circumstances. They may also be less appreciative of the world around them. For example a child whose parents cannot afford to own a house and is forced to live with relatives will truly appreciate a home no matter how small and basic once the family manages to own one. Compare it with another child who takes for granted having his own room and sees no cause to be glad for it.

We often chase comfort and pleasantness and push away negative experiences. However if we accept and live with the negative emotions that arise from challenging circumstances, we grow stronger and feel more confident. In fact we may even want to seek out the next challenge to spurt our growth. For instance when tasked to do something really stressful , for example when engaging a very difficult client, a  retiree therapist like me would feel "Oh No why am I doing this?" in between brainstorming how best to handle the case. However the satisfaction from a fruitful session is rewarding and can inspire one to do more.

Similarly a person who engages in addictive pursuits to suppress the unpleasant voidness or emptiness they feel inside will just be kicking the can down the road. Being aware of the emotion and accepting it as part and parcel of being human is a form of catharsis leading to initiatives to manage it better.

Looks like embracing discomfort is part and parcel of growing and living a richer life.

Never too late to know your passion

 

Today's ST published an article entitled : 'Follow your passion' advice can backfire on the young 

The writer quoted Stanford professor Bill Burnett who thinks it is a destructive idea to ask young people to follow their passions as it causes a lot of anxiety in them. It pressurizes young people to have it all figured out by the time they are in their mid 20s.

"It's a misconception that passions are fixed, predetermined, and uncovered in a fully formed state...It is developed. It requires experimentations, exploration, and investment of time and effort," said the professor.

I think about my own trajectory. As a young girl may ambition was to be a nurse after reading about Florence Nightingale. My mother thought it befitting as I had displayed quite caring traits and was tasked with looking after my younger brother. 

However that inclination tapered off when I acquired the baby boomer ambition to enter university and secure a high salary job. Nursing was not a well respected job too and was not offered in university then. So I studied accountancy and landed a boring job as an accountant in a semi government organisation. However I managed to maneuver my way to assume the position of heading the Treasury department which I thought was more exciting dealing with money, foreign exchange and financing. Indeed it was not a bad career, one which I kind of enjoyed and held onto until my mid fifties. Then I guess I entered mid life crisis. Difficult bosses and tiresome bureaucracy at work exacerbated the urge to find more meaning than managing money for others. 

I didn't actually have to grope around to discover my passion. Instinctively I knew getting a degree in counselling was the next step forward. I can't even call it a passion it was just the natural thing to do. So I landed up being a school counsellor before being a sandplay therapist and leader running workshop for children of divorced parents, a care service vocation not far from the nursing job I aimed for when I was a child.

Well I guess I only figured it out when I reached my fifties.

Seeds for Understanding

 

Sometimes no matter how hard you try to learn and understand some concept it just eludes you.

Years ago I attended a Buddhist class on "The Dharma of Mind Transmission" taught by a monk in Chinese. I have no formal education in Chinese but understand spoken Mandarin and simple Chinese characters. The course notes include the sutra in Chinese with explanation written in layman Chinese by the teacher , below each paragraph in the sutra. Though I got the broad ideas it was quite a struggle. To help me I downloaded the English version of the sutra. Every week before the lesson I would check the Chinese dictionary and read the English version so I could follow when the teacher read from the course notes. It did help but it was a struggle. Still my takeaway from the course was I had to try my best to understand this sutra as I believe it would help me a lot in my life journey. Years past and the course notes gathered dust.

A few months back I picked it up again. I remembered I told myself this Sutra will help me live my life skillfully. At the same time I wanted to learn Chinese to stave away from dementia. So I decided to plough through paragraph by paragraph checking the dictionary and reading the English version at the same time. However there are certain texts which no matter how hard I try to understand (sometimes turning to internet for other interpretations) I just have to give up and move on. 

"故但契本心，不用求法；心即法也", This paraphrase is an example.

The English version is " However if one can attain silent and unspoken understanding, one knows that because the mind is Dharma it is, therefore, not necessary to seek Dharma."

I know what the text is saying but not what it truly means.

Then last Sunday while I drifted into a "flow" mode while doing Taiichi, in a momentary connection with the surroundings I caught a glimpse of what the text means. 

默契 - silent and unspoken understanding

Learning is a process, laying seeds for understanding when the conditions are right. Determination is good but struggle is uncalled for. Move on for the time being when it seems dark and await a glimpse of light.

Probing into the Control Freak

 

When you start getting feedback, be it subtle, direct or critical, about your behaviour from several people it is time to do a self assessment. So I have been dismissing remarks about me being a control freak from husband and son as I thought my so called controlling behaviour is directed at either their unhealthy or unkempt habits and hence is for their own good. However when I start getting comments from sister and daughter as well, it is time to do some self awareness exercise.

I have always believed that this habit is carried forward from my previous job heading a Treasury department with quite a handful of staff, as well as tight and rigid procedural adherence expected of the team when embarking on overseas asset purchases. We had to make sure all grounds were covered. 

However as I think a bit deeper there may be more to it. I am prone to being very anxious and quite worrisome by nature. In every uncertain situation I research the worst outcome. I think by being mentally prepared for the worst I can have some control. However this can go overboard and lead to excessive worries which ironically feels safer. 

Now when a person becomes aware of one's weakness there is a tendency to blame it on childhood experiences etc. Somehow finding a cause can sort of make one feels less guilty. So no surprises, I ascribed my acquired traits from fears of my parents fighting (literally) which were frequent but unpredictable. Apparently such childhood trauma could result in a person being hyper vigilant and using control as a coping mechanism.

Strangely enough while doing all these self assessment it dawns on me that there are so much things beyond my control. So why not let go of things I can't do much about and also stop believing "I" have the responsibility to interfere. 

Just the thought of this makes me feel lighter.

Got to do the best we can

 

I have never recalled being so uncomfortable for so long a period in such unbearable heat. Asia is suffering from an intense heat wave and the forecast of El Nino in the coming months offer no relief. In fact we are expecting worse, dry season and haze from forest fire. 

An article in the Times titled "Where we'll end up living as the planet burns" quotes a research:

'....depending on scenarios of population growth and warming, 1 to 3 billion people are projected to be left outside the climate conditions that have served humanity well over the past 6,000 years. ....In the absence of migration, one third of the global population is projected to experience mean average temperature (that are currently found mostly) in the Sahara.'

A tropical island like Singapore will be included in the list of uninhabitable place on earth.

So I was aware of the severity of climate change but just nonchalantly did what I can to minimise my carbon footprint sans travel. I wasn't too worried because things won't go so drastically wrong during my lifetime or even that of my adult kids. On unbearably hot days the sight of little kids running around made me think (in an unaffected way) these 'poor' children will have to find ways to adapt to climate change. In fact I was more affected when I discovered my plants in the garden being scorched. I felt more for the farmers whose crops were wiped out.

However now that I am a newly minted grandmother, news and reports about climate change draw grave concerns many times over. It now hits me hard that my grandchild's future is jeopardized and she will face loads of challenges including weather related calamities, food shortages, migration and even war over livable land. I feel angry and sad. Angry that we have been so uncaring about our planet, sad that our grandchildren will never have it better, as each generation in the past assumes the next should be.

What explains the change in attitude? Was it selfishness in the past? Is the biological instinct to protect one's offspring kicking in now? Whatever you call it is now a pressing anxious feeling every time I come across a doomsday climate change report.

"We are the first generation to feel the impact of climate change and the last generation that can do something about it."- Barack Obama

Eyes that talk

 

In an article in the ST on 7 May 2023, a journalist describes her experience attending a a class in clowning. Participants were taught how to use their bodies to play, connect and make one another laugh.

One tip shared by her teacher interests me. To try to make the group laugh she told the class to look at one person in the audience 'as though you are in love with him, and wink'. 'Eye contact is key to good clowning'.

This idea made me recall a workshop which I conducted recently for children aged 11 to 14 whose parents divorced. This was my first time running the workshop for an older age group. I have all along been conducting workshop (for children caught in between parents' conflict ) for the younger group between 6 to 10 years. Whilst the younger group workshop requires more activities to catch and retain their attention, the structure of the older group workshop is more content heavy.

2 boys aged 13 and 14 seemed to convey to me their feelings and their thoughts when they looked at me in the eyes. They were not very vocal which is common among boys not wanting to share their experiences in front of others, but when I spoke of the normal feelings and misbeliefs children from divorce families have, the way they looked deep into my eyes told me they could relate to what had been said. Such response also drew me closer to them like breaking a barrier which helped me connect like a friend or mentor. I was touched by the intense look I got from them when I spoke of strategies to help them cope.

The article went on to quote a clown doctor (therapist) who said "if there is no eye contact, there is a decreased likelihood of interaction........There must be a breath, a moment of recognition.....You see me, and I see you. We are now sharing this moment'.

As the saying goes, 'Where words are restrained the eyes often talk a great deal'- Samuel Richardson

Zen garden or miniature jungle

 

I love visiting temples in Japan with zen gardens. Using just rocks, gravels or moss they exude calmness and peace conducive for meditation.

When we bought our house more than 2 decades ago the first thing my husband and I readily agreed on was to plant a tree in the small front garden. Over the years the mango tree has spread its roots making it difficult to grow grass underneath. I had dreamt of a garden with just a tree and a green lawn like the minimalist Japanese zen gardens. Instead the garden now looks like a miniature jungle. 

We laid plastic sheets on some parts of the ground and poured soil on top to create small flower beds. We grew ferns and bamboo grass in them. To adorn the rest of the garden we use potted plants. A few pots has grown into a huge collection. Yes the garden is really like a mini jungle.

It is my daily habit to place my palms on the trunk of the mango tree for a couple of minutes every morning to absorb its positive energy (as advised by a new age teacher). During this time I would be observing the bark of the tree, the plants in the garden as well as the birds and insects all around. Watching the ants crawling in a line on a branch, watching the birds taking nectar from the flowers and noticing hosts of other tiny insects always makes me wonder how many gazillions of living creatures there are in our world. Spending time attending to each plant in the garden has also brought me lots of joy like the delight of sighting the first bud or feeling the softness of the lush fern leaves.

I would now think twice of replacing my miniature jungle and its myriad of uniqueness, with a zen garden of a solitary tree and lawn. I guess the former helps one to feel part of a larger whole while the later provides the quietness to look within oneself. Both are necessary. If only I have a home that accommodates both the jungle and the zen garden.

What Happened?

 

An incident which occurred in London when I was there last month caused me to doubt my alertness and ability to think clearly. My husband and I were browsing through the menu outside an Asian food restaurant near Paddington station. A dark skinned man chatted with us. He said he could introduce us to a small Chinese restaurant not far away. He said he was paid a small amount for bringing customers to the restaurant run by Chinese. After missing Chinese food we agreed to follow him. Along the way he chatted about his migration from Croatia and how he adjusted to living in London etc etc. He made us feel very comfortable.

Now Paddington is a very busy place and we weren't afraid. He brought us behind a row of shops. It seemed a bit strange to me but I could see another row of either shops or houses further down the back lane. He assured us we were nearing. When we went a bit further, 2 other dark skinned men jumped out and shouted "Police!" flashing their 'identification cards'. At that moment I knew something was amiss and told my husband "Run, it's a scam". We scurried away towards the main road and only stopped to catch our breath when we were on the busy road. I really freaked out thinking we would be robbed at knife point and was really surprised they didn't give chase. From the internet I found out there is a gang operating in Paddington who disguised as police to search tourists' bags and probably stole their belongings. 

I told my husband we were very lucky because we could easily have been hurt. I kept thinking to myself how we could fall into a trap so easily. Maybe we are so used to living in a safe city that we can't sense danger, albeit in a busy place overseas. Reflecting on the incident I am really surprised we actually followed him into a back lane!. I always pride myself in being alert to financial scams and ability to evaluate financial proposals etc. So I am a bit worried over my ability to sense risk. Lo and behold what I found in the internet was a research by a Cornell University scientist which showed that older people "have more atrophy (degeneration) and less connectivity in 2 key areas of the brain. One region signals a person when something significant is happening around them, and the other tells them how to read social cues, such as other people's intentions". So apparently the atrophy impairs the brain's ability to signal a risky situation and to infer thoughts and intentions of others.

I think this incident is a good wake up call and will be a good reminder when we travel overseas. A good point to remember is to ignore people who approach to help you without being asked. 

"Inside every older person is a younger person-wondering what the hell happened."- Jennifer Yane

Musings or post holiday blues?

 

Came back from a 2 week holiday in London/Canterbury/Interlaken/Zurich. 

As usual every return from an overseas trip arouses the question whether your home country is the best place to live out the rest of your life and embraces the feasibility of having a second home somewhere. This is especially so when the visit was to places with open country. Back home the lack of vast open greenery and sweating buckets in a small home triggers longing for nature and cool crisp air. Of course I have consoled myself that back home in Singapore I can fall sick without the stress of not finding a doctor like in London where all the doctors went on strike. Or for that matter I can walk anywhere without the need to blend into a local culture or habit as perhaps a minority person in Switzerland may have to. Still the idea of having a second home where one can stay part of the year is appealing.

A friend and her soon retiring husband bought a house with an acre of land in Oliver about 4 hours east of Vancouver, They seem so energized by the house project, clearing trees, fixing roof gutters and planning/redesigning. As they are plant enthusiasts and a bit into farming, the house will definitely keep their mind and body very active. The photo she sent shows the balcony looking into the mountains at the horizon. Living there to me is like taking a never ending holiday in a resort; though I am again romanticizing.

Well, what's keeping me from buying a retirement home in another country to spend part of the year? This is a question I have to seriously consider. This is especially so since climate change has rendered many parts of the world quite unlivable certain seasons of the year.

Needless to say family, friends, accustomed lifestyle and sense of safety/certainty hold back such a move. In short it is leaving a comfort zone. On the other hand a change in living environment offers new experiences, excitement and growth. 

Well as per the teenagers and young adults' buzzword: YOLO

Unintended Consequences

 

The events happening in the world make me think of the idea about "unintended consequences". So this Californian bank SVB went bankrupt. One cause is the concentration of their securities in US Treasuries. Who would imagine this could happen when a bank is holding super safe asset like the US government Treasuries. However the problem is not about risk, it's about the price. Apparently when the Fed embarks on its continuous rate hike, the price of the existing treasuries drop. In the case of SVB it has to liquidate its holding of Treasuries at a loss when bank depositors withdraw their money. This puts the bank in an unfavourable financial position which makes depositors concerned hence resulting in a bank run.

Then there is the Covid pandemic that gives rise to hosts of unintended and unexpected consequences. The focus on fighting the pandemic has led to delay in treatment of other medical problems thus increasing morbidity and mortality risk. Yet another problem that resulted is post Covid labour shortage arising from changes in preferences and attitude; with workers no longer tolerating low pay and long working hours.  Not all consequences are unwelcome though. Having tasted the experience of working from home workers now demand less working hours in the office. Unfortunately the world will also have to manage tons of plastic waste from test kits etc.

When Russia attacks Ukraine, Putin obviously did not envisage that it will also result in a global food crisis; or did he but didn't care. The supply crunch affects food prices the whole world round and cause severe food insecurity in some countries, risking starvation among millions. To be fair to him he actually thought the invasion of Ukraine would be fast and swift. 

All these events perplexed me. I wonder whether Putin feels guilty over the unintended consequence of his move.

"The law of unintended consequences pushes us ceaselessly through the years, permitting no pause for perspective."- Richard Schickel

Intriguing generational behaviour

 

Today's Straits Times ran an article about South Koreans being the world's top spender on personal luxury goods in 2022 (according to a Morgan Stanley study). Other than a real love for them the article also mentions flexing and the need to buy luxury goods just to be accepted and to fit into a social circle. It quoted an example of a mother having to change into a luxury car because the security guard at the school her child was attending didn't think she was a parent in her ordinary car and barred her from entering. There is also a well known Korean idiom that goes  "When my cousin buys land I get a stomachache". The envy habit is apparently quite prevalent in South Korea. 

I have watched the K drama "Mr. Sunshine" a historical romance set in late 19th century and early 1900s when Koreans were fighting for independence from Japan. A few facts I learnt from this drama help me understand a bit about Korean behaviour.

First of all I didn't know there was slavery and rigid class distinction in ancient Korea. The drama portrayed how impossible it is for cross marriages between social classes. Though deeply in love, the female protagonist  of noble descent was totally devastated when she found out her lover , a high achieving US military officer was born a Korean slave boy. Even her very principled and liberal grandfather told her he could not bear the sorrow and disgrace to the family if she would to marry a person of low birth. 

In another sub-plot the feared leader of a gang would still be incensed when reminded that his father was a butcher, deemed a dirty profession. Similarly a minister of non aristocratic origin would be thrown into a rage when disdained and ridiculed by colleagues of noble origin. Both had an in built sense of inferiority.

Such deep seated discrimination against people born of lower social class probably explains the bullying behaviour of chaebol families (if what contemporary K drama portrays is true). It also helps me appreciate more the movie "Parasite" which won the Oscar for best picture in its depiction of social inequality in South Korea.

Now it makes sense to me that academic achievement is the best chance for the next generation to climb the social ladder, hence the fierce competitive education environment in Korea. 

Coming back to the love for luxury goods, the Morgan Stanley analysts explained that the demand for luxury goods is driven by "increase in purchasing power as well as a desire to outwardly exhibit social standing".

Such obsession with class is intriguing. Maybe it is some form of generic memory passed down from generations as part of a collective consciousness.

A Small Audience

 It was raining torrentially when I went for my storytelling session at the branch library a few days ago. I told myself to mentally prepare for zero audience. Over the years (15 years to be exact ) audience has dwindled from over 30 children when I first started in 2008 to literally a handful ie. 5 or 6 when the session resumes after Covid.  

An article published in the ST entitled " Millennials loved libraries, but will their kids feel the same way?" stated that visitors to the National Library network in Singapore showed a drop from 26.7 million in 2019 to 11.5 million in 2021. However one can not ascribe the drop entirely to Covid disruption. The author mentioned other factors including loss of print reading, free e-books and increased channels for children entertainment like Disney and YouTube, making it a relative hassle to visit the library. It is then not surprising that our libraries have to be creative in staging fun activities to engage visitors. I was invited for a tour to the new regional library at Punggol recently. In collaboration with Smithsonian, the library created a space for children to tinkle with new ideas using various gadgets and crafts. The story telling room also has facilities for the story teller to project images on all 4 sides of the wall. 

Back to that rainy afternoon a couple of days ago. I stepped into the library inside the old  shopping mall and headed to the children section to see whether there were any kids who could be rounded up as my audience. There was none! In dismay I proceeded to the storytelling room to make preparation still. "Hello" a sweet little voice called out to me. It was the 6 year old girl, the sister of the 8 year old boy who told me he loved listening to my stories. I had then responded jokingly that he has to keep coming or I will have no audience. Then I saw the boy and the helper who brought them here. The helper told me the boy insisted on coming despite the rain. I told myself these 2 little fans of mine deserved a medal. Well he even helped me round up a few other fillers who were loitering around.

After my visit to the new library I had toyed with the idea of jumping ship to volunteer there instead. The new library is situated at a new housing estate with many young families, whilst the demographics at the old branch library I am with has changed hence attracting less visits from young readers. When sharing this idea with my son he had asked why I even needed a large audience and isn't there more engagement with a smaller audience. In retrospect it is true there is a lot of interaction with my 2 little fans at the present library . I think why he likes to come for my session is not only because I can tell the stories well but more of how I respond to his remarks and comments with gusto and delight. 

Yes it is natural to want bigger audience. People want more 'likes' in their facebook post and more followers in their blog. However, with a small audience there is more connection to each individual,  like the 5 children that attended my story telling session that afternoon. As I told my story, I watched how their little faces emote with sadness, wonder and relief. I marveled at the boy's imaginative guesses of how the story will develop and shared subtly the moral of the story. We engaged joyfully.

It was indeed a heartwarming rainy afternoon.

Size down childhood fears

 

Continuing my "down the memory lane" trip in KL which I described in my last blog, I have to narrate my visit to the Chan She Shu Yuen Clan Ancestral Hall. It was a trip I need to take to address my childhood fears when passing by this temple. About fifty more years ago before modification works, the statue of 2 young doormen guard the front of the temple. They appeared really spooky in the eyes of a small child dressed in 'eerie" garbs, quite like those paper servants which the taoist burn for the dead. This was especially so at night. My heart would beat faster and I would try to avoid looking at the temple when the taxi I was in passed by it in the evening. Perhaps it was after hearing rumours about a rickshaw driver dropping 2 young men at the temple and later discovered that the dollar notes were actually hell money. 

Well I thought it was time for my adult self to see what these guards really look like. To my delight the very temple that I dreaded is now a tourist attraction and is actually an ancestral home cum temple for a Chinese clan with many famous ancestors. To my disappointment however there ain't any scary statues guarding the front of the temple. Also the shocking green façade which I once found gaudy is now replaced with a greyish green front.  I couldn't have imagined things could I? 

Indeed the temple holds loads of history and artwork almost like a boutique museum. Symbolically this once deemed spooky eerie temple is to my adult self a remarkable historical treasure. As if to size down my childhood fears, 2 paper man servants (about 18 inch tall) stand on each side of the altar in the inner hall of the temple.

I still dare not look at them intently but I know their function is to serve.

Memories

 

My dreams (ie. those I remember) often have my old KL home as the background. Even if the dream is very literal, meaning a mere presentation of situation or feelings that occur at day time, the stage of the dream is almost certainly that of my old KL home.

Last week the nostalgia and the good street food beckoned and I found myself wandering the streets of KL visiting the streets where my old home, my father's shop and my alma mater were located.

Various thoughts and fantasy swirled in my mind. In no particular order here are some of them:

- If I had a huge windfall (ie. become a tycoon) I would buy up the whole row of flats, one of which I once lived. I would turn this urban slum into a nice residential estate. Actually I would have to be a well connected billionaire to buy up the whole street for the whole neighbourhood has become a touristy food street. Alternatively, in a fit of madness I can just rent or buy the flat where I used to live and renovate it extensively to be the home which I longed for as a child. It would be like a retro KL flat in the 60s where a middle income happy family once stayed. You see my old home was never like that. It was really like a home factory where the tailors worked and it was never a happy family because my parents fought constantly. So if I have too much money to spare I would rectify the chaos in my childhood and restore the peace and introduce some semblance of a happy home which I longed for half a century ago.

-My old alma mater is BBGS (Bukit Bintang Girls' School). It was situated where the upmarket shopping centre Pavilion now stands. I checked the google map. I paced the Pavilion. I tried to figure which part of Pavilion exactly was where my classroom was, the classroom during my last year in the school before moving to Singapore. "This must be where the classroom was, this shop must be where the tuckshop was where we ran fastest to reach at the sound of the bell for recess". "Where would the primary school be?" My mind was filled with such preoccupation when passing through Pavilion which was just across the hotel I stayed. During morning breakfast at the hotel, a plate of steamed chickpeas was displayed at the salad corner. I took a few spoonfuls of it on a plate, stared at it and travelled across the years back to the Indian kachang putih man with 6 fingers and his makeshift stall just outside the school. I loved his steamed chickpeas! Bless this guy for he lightened up many of our days.

"And if even only one good memory remains with us in our hearts, that alone may serve some day for our salvation.”  -Dostoevsky in Brothers Karamazov

Impactful message from Shtisel

 

This blog entry must be read with my previous blog. The last episode of season 2 of Shtisel is to me very impactful and delivers a powerful universal message. 

So in the story, the artist son of the Orthodox Jewish family, Akiva, painted a picture of a young mother carrying a baby. The painting was a success and the gallery owner arranged a TV interview prior to his exhibition. When asked on air, Akiva said it was from memory of his deceased mother. Back home his father in a rage hit him for disgracing the family in exhibiting his mother in public. This was because the lady in the painting did not cover her hair totally as was expected of married Orthodox Jewish women. Akiva was flabbergasted because the lady in the painting was not a portrait of his mother at all but just his expression of her. Akiva refused to abide by his father's instruction to withdraw the painting from the exhibition.

Perhaps like most other viewers, I was angry with the father for his unreasonableness. However the father related an incident when Akiva's mother cried throughout the night when she discovered she accidentally left a bit of her hair uncovered when attending a family function. The father's love and respect for his wife was touching and heart wrenching.

The father then bought the painting from the gallery at a high price after selling the reserved plot of land where he would be laid next to his wife. At home he held a candle deliberating whether to burn the painting. After much agony he used some paint to cover the bit of hair of the lady in the painting instead.

I will always keep this scene in my memory. Hopefully it will remind me to be more understanding in my dealings with people and not to judge so easily. The way someone thinks and behaves is shaped and conditioned by so many factors, be it in the upbringing, education and past experiences. I must also remember it is hard to rewire a person's character and world view. A valuable lesson learnt from Akiva's father is his willingness to strike a compromise taking into consideration his son's feelings.

"Before you judge someone, walk a mile in his shoes"- Eminem

Live for Yourself?

 

I am now watching a popular Israeli TV drama 'Shtisel'. It centers around an ultra orthodox Jewish family and revolves around each individual member's struggle to conform to rigid religious and cultural norms. It has universal themes about loss, love, the dilemma between individual freedom and adherence to tradition; and personal growth versus pro family priorities.

In one episode the grandson brought a dog to the patriarch's house. He was kicked out of school for rescuing a puppy and bringing it to school. I did a google search which says many orthodox Jews frown upon keeping dogs as pets as they are deemed to be unclean. It also says that their culture views keeping dogs as a distraction from having more children (though this needs some fact checking).

Meanwhile there is breaking news about China's population falling for the first time since 1961. Another report shows East Asia's worrying low fertility rate, South Korea 1.1, Japan 1.4 and China 1.7 (Singapore 1.2). 

Reflecting on the pro family emphasis and misogynistic tendencies in the Jewish Orthodox culture or even in other religious tribes that encourage early marriage and big families, I begin to think that these cultures may be quite far sighted or visionary in that they could foresee the secular and liberal forces that threaten human procreation.

However, the dilemma and agony portrayed by some characters in the Shtisel story reminds me that individual growth and freedom is also paramount for personal fulfilment and happiness. Sometimes I relate to their experience when I feel weary of all responsibilities and dream of living alone in a faraway place, spending time being myself or trying to discover myself. Yet I cannot deny I also derive joy from being part of a family or community.

Like in everything, I guess a balance needs to be struck between individuality and community. I see no happy ending to a society that embraces a 'Live for yourself' attitude, neither is there one for a society that lives by rigid laws and practices that stifles the 'self'.

When they were ALIVE

 

A week ago the internet was rife with the fake news that Chow Yuen Fatt has passed away. When I heard it from my sister I felt rather sad. CYF is around my age. When Hong Kong TV drama was the family entertainment in the late 70s and 80s CYF starred in many of the popular TV serials and became a household name. His absence if true felt like a void, a passing of an era which I belong. Thankfully it was fake news.

However a few days ago when my husband said Sim Mong Hoo passed away, I rebuked him for not verifying before breaking such news. Unfortunately it turned out to be true. SMH was also around my age and was someone whom baby boomers in Singapore looked up to as someone who persistently and ardently pursued his dreams and achieved his goals. We admire him because he did not achieve success through the charted or silo path that most Singaporeans aimed for ie. excellent academic performance or government scholarship to launch into a successful career.

In remembrance of him, CNA ran a short story of his career trajectory. One scene that struck me was when he introduced his latest device/product to Heng Swee Kiat. He was so alive! so full of enthusiasm. Reading more about him I became convinced that he led a very full life.

Thinking about the fake and true passing of two well known people my age and reflecting on how these 2 characters lived well ie. lived the life they were meant to be, I began to mull over how I want to live my life.

Last Friday I had the occasion to be reminded of moments when I really felt joyful. I told a story about "The Little Troll" to children at the library. I had told this story some 20 years ago to an entranced audience of more than 20 children. It was an experience I would never forget. I was to experience that magic moment again last Friday. The children were thrilled and ALIVE. 

So WAS I.