The world in turmoil and Life has to go on

 What years the world has seen recently! But isn't it the same with certain periods over various era, World Wars I & II, Bubonic Plague, Spanish Flu, 1976 Tangshan earthquake and Famines? What I mean is, the world has seen very challenging times over history, difficult years came and went. So will the new year see easing of some crisis the world is facing?

According to Professor Roel Beetsma, prof of macroeconomics at the University of Amsterdam: "The number of crises has increased since the start of the century......since world war II, we have never seen such complicated situation." I guess many will agree with him . In fact it seems like a perfect storm with a confluence of Covid, never ending Ukraine War where both sides seem to enter into a death duel and the increasingly frightening impact of Climate Change.

Higher cost of living and climate change is wrecking misery to millions around the world. Almost everyone other than the wealthy feels the impact. How does one remain calm and happy when surrounded by such bleakness?

When visiting an 89 year old aunt we had a discussion as to why many young couples decide not to have kids. I explained to her that all the world in turmoil may be deterring them from having children. She retorted that the world has it own problems but your life still has to go on (including your descendants' as well I suppose).

Still I agree with her. It's impractical to wish for a perfect world to feel happy. We just have to be zen about forces beyond our control and watch our sense of bleakness comes and goes. As Sigmund Freud puts it "Much will be gained if you succeed in transforming your hysterical misery into ordinary unhappiness".

As per my aunt life goes on and we should find purpose just doing what we are born to do, be it your job, your vocation or being a parent/son/daughter. 

Happy New Year, 

BUT above all,  'Don't feel bad if you are unhappy'.

When Love overcomes Hate

 

Our workshop for children from divorced families is over 3 sessions on 3 consecutive Fridays. One participant did not turn up for the first session. When contacted the father said he didn't see the need for his son to attend. However we were quite startled when the boy turned up for the second session brought in by his mother. The mother was then advised to work this out with her husband as the child seemed to be benefitting from the workshop session. When the boy did not turn up for the third session the mother, when contacted, said the child was scheduled to be with the father on that day and she could not make him bring the kid to attend the workshop.

Jennifer Hurvitz, author of One Happy Divorce said " You  have to love your child more than you hate your spouse "

Fortunately, there was the father of another participant who amusingly related to us that the child applied what she learnt from the workshop promptly. When asked by her mother to pass a message to him, the little girl told her mum politely to do so herself. The girl said she didn't want to be "caught in the middle". 

For every despair there is hope. 

Still it is hard for these kids. Indeed when asked about the take away, strategies and tools they have learnt in managing their feelings and worries, they can regurgitate the contents. However on completion of the workshop sessions when asked in a survey form whether they agree they now feel less stressed about their parents' divorce, many still 'disagree'.

Indeed it is not only about how much the children can absorb in the 3 two-hourly sessions, it is largely dependent on how much effort the parents are willing to put in to suspend their anger/hatred and work towards a common goal for the mental well being of their children.

"When you tell a child you hate their other parent you are telling them you hate half of of who they are"-unknown

Abolish Childhood Regrets

 

At one of the 3 sessions of a workshop for children from divorced families we have to impart the following truths:

• they didn't cause their parents' divorce
• that they are still part of a family and
• no matter what they do they can't bring their parents together again

While the first point can be made convincing, the second needs plenty of assurance whilst the third is difficult for them to accept. One child remarked "that was a cruel thing to say".

So the kids watch video, engage in activities & writing exercises to remember these points. We do not know how much is retained after the 2 hour session, especially if they don't really believe them.

So at the subsequent 2 sessions we psycho educate them on thinking positive and finding resources and alternatives to cope and manage their worries and feelings. 

In a ST article "Childhood regrets- mother of reinvention" dated 15 Jul 2021, Prof Chong Siow Ann of IMH mentioned that childhood experiences "exert a powerful and lasting influence in shaping the adults we become". He alluded that a lot of the aching discontent, anger, anxiety in adulthood have their roots in childhood. Helping his adult patients gain insight into the source of their negative feelings is insufficient. In his opinion his patients must have the resolve and commitment to change.

At our children's workshop we flip the feeling cards a lot. The most common feeling cards picked by the kids are 'sad', 'angry', 'scared', 'worried' & 'confused'. It is almost certain that these children will grow up to harbour childhood regrets about missing out from a harmonious or imagined "happy" family. Perhaps they will grow up with a constant feeling of lacking something, much like how Prof Chong describes his adult patients: "In the diversity of the manifestations of their various problems, there was this common theme of yearning, unrealised and unfilled yearning".

In helping the children at our workshop cope with their parents' divorce, we hope to help them shed their misbelief and manage their negative feelings before these become part of a habitual energy that plague their life even into adulthood. 

To tell the children that no matter how hard they try they can not bring their parents together again is 'cruel' as remarked by one child participant of the workshop. However it is better for these children to face the reality and to abolish any lingering regrets forever. 

Prof Chong cited a quote from Diana Athill, distinguished editor and memoirist:

"Regrets are useless, so forget them"