Giving and Receiving

 We have a mango tree that bears fruits once in a few years, plentiful when it does. So we distribute to neighbours and friends when we harvest. Most will accept with a smile and some small talk about gardening. There is this neighbour whose backyard is adjacent to ours. He usually doesn't express much appreciation, probably taking with a hidden squirm if I may describe it. This time round he remarked "Mangoes are really cheap. You can get one for less than a dollar". Well, we still believe in equal distribution around us.

There are people who are afraid of receiving gifts or favours from others. They may be very generous but will never accept anything be it objects or services from another person. I have an aunt who insists you take everything she offers but will never accept any in return. It can be quite infuriating because you feel somehow rejected.

I try to analyse  this strange behaviour It is quite normal that we were taught from young  never to accept gifts from strangers just in case there is some unwholesome motive underlying the gift. Maybe this warning is amplified in some people. Another reason could be the fear of being obligated ie. you owe the giver a favour. Yet another reason may be pride ie. not wanting to feel weak or vulnerable or in anyway lesser than the giver. So like when I was young I would refuse offers of expensive snacks or small toys from more well to do classmates or even a chauffeured ride from another.

About my neighbour, I think he has fears of intimacy. He is afraid of building closer connection. Maybe he is also worried after eating our mangoes he cannot throw our cat over the wall when she wanders into his territory. 

As for me as I grew up I learnt to accept gifts graciously because I observed that people are happy and feel appreciated. It shows them their gift has touched me. 

It's my gift to them too.

"This is Me, not my tattoos, not my degree"

 

The local media celebrated the success of an ex gangster  who picked up the pieces after spending time in a detection centre twice and then went on to ITE, Polytechnic before graduating with highest distinction in Social Work in NUS at the age of 31.

Something he said in his interview with the media strikes me. 

All the accolades and congratulatory messages gave him 'mixed feelings'. Though happy, he has questions being the poster boy who is able to succeed academically despite adverse and disadvantaged circumstances. He feels sad that people do not really appreciate him as a person (tattoo and Singlish inclusive) but more the qualifications he has achieved. Unlike his ITE classmates and friends from the gangs who are more "genuine" and accept him as he is, he thinks people are generally too "materialistic". He related how he became quite self conscious about his appearance and manner of speech when he first entered university and found it difficult to connect with his classmates. He appreciated people who accepted him as one of them. 

Hence he wrote a book entitled "I am not a label, I am Gary" 

I think of how I am probably one of the so called 'people' who measure another person by appearance, social standing and education. It's not about being snobbish. It's more like sizing a person up so that I know how to interact or safeguard myself if necessary. I guess it is natural animal instinct to avoid danger. Admittedly I would be initially wary of a person whose body is covered with tattoos extensively. However my counselling training and counselling experience has taught me that beneath the appearance and mannerism lies a human being who wants to be accepted. 

When I was a counsellor in a neighbourhood school, boys who told me in confidence about being part of a gang, behaved humbly and were willing to share their secrets when I made them feel unconditional acceptance ('unconditional positive regards' in counselling terms). Beneath the defiant behaviour are boys who want to be accepted and not sanctioned.

Once I engaged a cleaning contractor who employed ex convicts to spring clean my home. 2 heavily tattooed middle aged men came with their supervisor. I was a bit uncomfortable being the only one at home. However as I observed them concentrating on their work I dropped all my defenses and interacted with them normally making them feel comfortable too I guess. 

Gary (the poster boy) said only when university classmates didn't battle an eyelid at his tattooed body he felt he was part of them. In his interview with the media he stressed "This is Me. Not my tattoos. Not my degree".

Yes Gary while I am awed by your academic success despite your challenged background, I am grateful to you for reminding us to accept others as themselves.

For every loss there is a gain

 

A cataract operation forces me to suspend a large part of my routines, from taiji to swimming, gardening to housework and less screen work. I resort to audio books and podcasts. As only one eye is corrected I am having a slight imbalance problem which limits my venturing outdoors.

For every loss there is gain. 

To work my muscles and joints I started to do walking in the living room. To break the monotony I decided to memorise the Heart Sutra so as to work my mind as well. Trying to commit to memory this sutra which is the shortest but deemed most important , I need to understand the meaning as well. Hence I looked up Heart Sutra lectures in Youtube. To my delight I came across a 2 session talk on this sutra by none other than my former teacher whom I respect a lot. The sessions gave me deeper understanding. The more you dwell into a subject the more you want to know. Hence I begin to look for lectures delivered by other teachers as well.

To understand the emptiness of all phenomena will lead to the end of all sufferings 

Aspiring to understand this should be the underlying goal of my life. It takes the "unfortunate" circumstances of a post cataract operation to remind me.