Equal Distribution?

 In a online journal known as "MarketWatch" there is a column called "The Moneyist" which discusses the ethics and etiquette of financial affairs of people writing in for advice. Readers can also chip in to comment on top of the editor's response. The questions, the response as well as the comments make very entertaining reading.

In a recent query, XYZ wrote in to ask whether he has a right to feel angry about a situation he is in. Earlier on he bought his parents a vintage car as a gift but made them promised he would inherit it. As the car was not in tip top condition, his parents have to spend some money to upgrade it as well as to maintain it. He added that his parents aren't that well off. He later found out that without prior discussing with him, his parents promised his brother that all the money spent on the upgrade and maintenance would be deducted from his share of inheritance. 'Was it fair?' he asked.

Apart from the response that a gift should not have conditions attached and the recipient of a gift has liberty to do whatever they want with it, the comments from the public readers are hilarious: 

"An engine rebuild, new paintwork, etc. Seems you gave them a junker hoping they would spend their money on restoring it so when you get it back it would be fully restored and in pristine condition. That's no way to treat your parents"

"I think someone will be checking up on the car with a magnifying glass every week. LOL! You gonna get all mad when your parents put a scratch or ding on "their gift." LOL!...."

"It's really terrible that your parents will go through their golden years being stingy on themselves because they have to worry about how much they'll have left to give their kids. "You're going to spend money on that car? Money that could be mine when you die?" So then your poor parents have to bargain... "Okay, okay.. we'll take it out of his inheritance all the maintenance cost. But son, can we have a good steak dinner on Fridays? Or, do you want us to stick to can food, so we can save even more inheritance for you?" All of you don't sound like good children at all."

If you ask me I would say "What rotten children!"

And here in lies the dilemma in many of us who have adult kids and have something to bequeath.

- Do we reveal what we have?

- Do we openly discuss with them our intended distribution?

- Do we impart some of it rather than leaving all as inheritance?

In the Moneyist column there are numerous questions reflecting the dilemma of whether to bequeath more to a child who needs financial support, leaving an estranged child out of the will, and fears about the impact on the children's feelings.

Many parents take great pain to make sure they treat their children equally even after death. But in some cases unequal distribution may really be equal distribution viewed from another angle. To avoid resentment and ill feelings , lawyers have advised that the inheritance plan should be openly discussed. Yet I think this is one of the most procrastinated task ever.

Peer Parenting Pressure

 

China's Ministry of Education has declared that outside-school education has been "severely hijacked by capital". After-school tutoring is now considered an impediment to the government's top focus which is boosting a declining birth rate.

Singapore is facing the same problem of excessive tuition outside school and declining birth rate contributed by stress of competitive parenting. 

Of course the parents' start off point is good in that they do what is deemed to be for the children's future and providing opportunities to maximise their potential. Yet often times this crosses the dangerous threshold when the concern for the children is overridden by a quest for personal achievement through the children's success as deemed by society at large. This has undesirable impact on the children who my suffer from low self esteem, anxiety and other mental disorders.

I recall many years ago when I was a school counsellor in a low ranking school, I had under my care a teenage boy who was presented with poor self esteem, lack of interest and listlessness. He shared that his mother, a lecturer, expected him to study round the clock. He felt he was a disgrace to his family because all his cousins in the extended family went to prestigious schools. When I suggested to both mother and child to compromise on an agreed study schedule, I was berated for interfering by the mother who also remarked that her child had gone through numerous counsellors with no improvement.

Recently a 16 year old student at a Singapore school with a history of mental disorder killed a school mate with an axe. We do not know the factors contributing to his illness and the incident but it is a wake up call for us to be concerned about our school children's overall well being.  

Amongst a surge of commentaries in local social media encouraging better awareness of mental health, a 12 year old school pupil wrote to our press talking about the "tremendous amount of stress when facing a major national exam" and recounting classmates who engaged in self harm to relieve stress and anxiety. He called upon all children not to neglect their mental health and implored them not to resort to self-harm while suggesting they express through sharing and crying out if need be.

Asian parents are known to pile expectations onto their children. Asian children in blogs & forums have opined that their parents look upon them as source of prestige and bragging rights. The more sympathetic kids attributed it to the parents' own fears and insecurities. According to them their parents want to play safe and have peace of mind so they themselves don't have to suffer the fears, anxieties, struggles and other difficulties their children may encounter later in life. All these remarks point out to over attachment of Asian parents to their kids' lives.

I commend the 12 year old kid who wrote to the press for his acute awareness. The child's advice to his peers should awaken parents. Just like the child who cares deeply for other children, parents should learn from him to be more concerned for the overall well-being of their own children. 

Beyond thinking

 

Last night I lay on my bed pondering about human sufferings. This could have been triggered by news of 2 young acquaintances facing life challenges, one with divorce and another with a spouse addicted to gambling. I think deeper into why vices have such a strong hold on human beings. I think it boils down to the pleasure derived from heightened senses. Such feelings elate the body physical sensations and that's what most clamour for. 

Dostoevsky described vividly this sensation (through the character of an addicted gambler in his book ):

"Whenever I..found myself in some shameful position, some more than usually humiliating, despicable and, above all, ridiculous situation always aroused in me not only boundless anger but....an incredible sense of pleasure, an intoxication...from the agonising awareness of my own depravity. I confess that I often sought it out because for me it was the most powerful of all such sensations."

I think the same probably holds true for infidelity and other forms of addiction.

On a less dramatic scale don't we all grasp for pleasant feelings which lighten our body and push away uncomfortable feelings which tend to cause our body to constrict. Life thus seems like a never ending quest to line up good 'experiences' or at least to avoid bad ones, moment after moment, day after day. How is it even possible? Even if for a time we feel happy having all that we ever want, do those conditions last? 

Let's analyse what actually happens when an emotionally painful situation arises? It starts with the mind, an attachment to an idea, a perception that this should not have happened , a fear that worse things may come in the future. These thoughts arouse emotional distress that cause pain in the heart or a constriction in the body which is very hard to bear. So humans struggle to avoid such sufferings in life.

The husbands in the above examples have failed and do not live up to expectations, that’s the first arrow shot on the wives. The wives shoot themselves a second arrow when they ruminate about the future or the cultural shame. 

However they must understand reality, the frailty of human nature, the conditioning of each individual from upbringing, past experiences, in-born character or constitution and even karmic inheritance. So too is the reality of sickness and death of a human body. Attachment to form and idea goes against the law of nature and brings about mental distress.  

To alleviate suffering one has to go beyond thinking ie. be aware of one's thoughts and their impact on feelings. Above all one must be cognitive of excessive attachment and also accept that life has ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows.

It's ok to be ordinary

 

The fear of being ordinary is prevalent, especially among younger people. They aspire to stand out from the crowd and to be recognised as special or unique. This is not a bad thing except when carried too far means excessive attachment to a self identity. Centering too much on 'ME' and comparing self with others will inevitably lead to much stress and anxiety.

Truth be told however, if someone says of me 'Oh, she's an ordinary woman' I'll be kind of put off. Surely I am better than most? Haven't I achieved this and that? Perhaps they don't know? This arrogance arises from my ego. But why? Why do I need to be regarded as above others? Does people's view of me matter so much? 

One young blogger who pulled off a 36 hour shift in a start up and coping with anxieties when measuring his achievement with others of his cohort, gained some self awareness when he remarked:

' I had to understand that I deserve love, happiness and peace, regardless of how I perform and what I do later in life. I had to minimize my fears of being average'.

William Martin, author of the book "The Parent's Tao Te Ching" wrote:

'Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives. Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of the foolish. Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life. Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears. Show them how to cry when pets and people die. Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand. And make the ordinary come alive for them. The extraordinary will take care of itself.'

During this pandemic with so much anxiety and sadness all over the world, one can now truly appreciate the pre-Covid ordinary life and a normal mundane day. We must continue to find joy in each peaceful moment and fulfilment from small acts of grace and kindness. We have to appreciate what we receive from the world and give back in whatever small ways we can. Perhaps then we will feel more at one with the world and less obsessed with this 'six foot long body' and this busy mind. It really doesn't matter whether we are average or not.