Latent desire to Become

 According to Freud the conscious mind is just the tip of the iceberg with unconsciousness making the bulk unseen. In his book Incognito, neuroscientist David Eagleman points out that most of the time we do not have conscious control of how we think and feel. According to Buddhist psychology people tend to act habitually, unconscious of their actions. These so called "latent tendencies" govern our feelings, mental  and bodily responses resulting in how we often act or behave.

Among the latent tendencies there is the latent tendency for 'Becoming" which is somewhat a desire to become something or someone or a sense of what you are in relation to the world at large. In the west it may be a desire to explore one's uniqueness and define oneself by the difference, while in the East it may be a constant desire to become someone who is accepted or respected in the community. My thought is focused on the later. There is always an underlying need to adapt to conventional expectation. This latent tendency to become that 'someone' can be intensified or aggravated by previous bad experiences of rejection or humiliation. It becomes the reality in a person's view of the world such that he may obsess over how others think of him.

I think Asians generally like to compare with others and are more afraid of losing face, hence the fear of failure and fear of missing out (FOMO). This leads them to hanker for labels collectively considered as marks of success and pursue conventional paths which may or may not bring about true happiness. In fact quite often the continuous strive for these benchmarks or the inability to achieve them bring much emotional suffering. 

What triggers me to rant as above is upon reading a letter written by a tuition teacher in the forum page of our newspaper. She recounted experiences with parents who pressurized their children to perform in school exams. One child expressed hatred for his parents while another harboured thoughts of ending her life due to the stress. Perhaps the parents meant well to groom their children for an "easier" adult life. But it is wiser for these parents to be aware of their children's overall well being and not to succumb to their latent tendencies to Become the labelled successful parent "whose children made it to XXX school, YYY college and ZZZ company" or even worse instill in their children similar latent tendencies for an entire lifetime.

Bringing up the Past

 

Many people like to share old photos on chat groups. They probably spend quite a lot of time looking through old photo albums.  My husband's brother is one of them. He will share in the family chat group old childhood photos of the family living in their kampung house. The chat group will come alive recalling memories and quizzing each other facts about old neighbours and landmarks. They seem to have so much fun that it reaffirms my perception that they grew up in a happy family home. They certainly will benefit if they continue to do so as they grow old especially if  stirring up memories and communicating help in mental well being.

On my side of the family however old photos are scarce. My parents didn't purchase a camera and any old pictures we had were usually taken by visiting relatives. Oh yes, there was a family photo taken at the studio with everyone dressed up. I still have it but I hardly look at it because it doesn't make me smile. Well we grew up in a stormy home where my parents often fought, so it is only rationale not to recall those unhappy times. 

I am not sure whether the habit of trying to forget the past causes me to have an exceptionally poor memory. I can even forget incidents when I had been treated badly at work until an ex-colleague brought it up again. "Oh, I have forgotten about it. But now that I remember I won't forgive..." I would jest.

My husband and my children can talk excitedly about places of interest which we have visited and I would have little impression of them. I also do not really bother to look up pictures taken during those travels or dig up photos of my children when they were young. Hopefully forgetting the past helps me to be more present. However it could also be that constant thinking about the future overshadows thoughts about the past.

Of course living in the moment is most ideal because every moment that is not "lived with presence" is lost forever. Happy memories are only good to recollect as long as one does not cling onto them. That means not always living in the past, not comparing the happy and glorious past to the present in despair. Many baby boomers like to reminisce about their younger years be it of their career or family life with implied longing of the "good old days". We have to be careful not to be stuck in the past, raving about the past and ranting the present social way of life.

As Mexican writer, Domenico Cieri once said

 "Bring up the past only if you are going to build from it"

Right Speech

 

Among the Eightfold Noble Paths taught by Buddha is 'Right Speech'. It generally refers to talking with good intention ie. not to lie, not to gossip, not to be rude and speaking with kind intention. 

It also includes when to speak and when not to. This I learnt over and over again and especially so during my last workshop session for children caught in between their divorced parents. I was alerted that a boy mandated to attend the workshop is hyperactive. Indeed he was quite a handful to manage, but for 2 sessions in a row amid his ongoing restlessness he shared that he felt ignored by his mother who has custody over him. 

So with good intention, I met the mother after the session to share with her the feedback. As the child's attendance was mandatory, most parents just want to chalk up the attendance record and bolt after the session. So I intended it to be brief which was also what the mother wanted from her body language. So I just plonged into giving her the son's expression of being neglected. What caught me by huge surprise was the mother jumping to self defence perceiving it as an accusation of her poor parenting.

My big mistake was not getting her first to share about the mother-child bonding before giving her the feedback. It turned out that the boy has ADHD and can become quite aggressive especially when not on medication. Hence she often has to leave him by himself while she stays in her own room. She went on defensively (my sense of it ) to quote many incidents when she could hardly control his behaviour. 

I then realised it was not the right timing neither was it the right platform to discuss further. So the session ended with some motherhood statements from me suggesting the importance of self care and getting emotional help when needed. I must say the session didn't end well as she seemed disturbed and ruffled.

So even if the intention was good, choosing the wrong time to speak (ie. talking before listening) was unwise. If I had first listened to her story my approach in sharing the feedback would certainly have been more subtle and effective. My excuse was not having the luxury of time. However if that was true, the timing and the platform were certainly not conducive.

Don't we often make these mistakes in our daily dealing with people?

 

Not knowing what to expect

 

The past week I have this feeling like I am standing on shifting sand, similar to when the sea waves moves the sand under your feet. 

Early in the week Singapore's oldest departmental store, the 162 year old Robinson announced its closure. My mother grew up in Chulia Street near where it was first located. She shared that it was then patronised by the Europeans and rich locals and she could only marvel at the window displays. Her cousin who worked as a cleaner perished in the store's 1972 fire. When Robinson moved to Orchard Road it no longer was the haunt for just the expatriates and the rich. As it was near to my work place I loved to drop in after a quick lunch. I really loved the store decoration especially during Christmas when the home department sparkled with exquisite trinkets and delightful gift ideas. It was voted the best dressed mall for Christmas quite a few times. Its closure signaled the irrelevance of departmental stores' business model and our changing lifestyle in general. It just makes you feel there is nothing you can hold onto forever.

Another event this week which makes me feel hollow is the US presidential election. You watch aghast as the President blatantly lied about illegal votes and fabricating a conspiracy that stole his victory, to a point that seems he was instigating his supporters to use violence. What is so shocking and incomprehensible to me is that almost half the US voters either believe him or choose to support him despite his lies and shocking behaviour.  It just defies logic. Trump once said "I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters." It seems frightening to me that people can simply reject reasoning or are so lacking in moral fiber to maintain their support despite knowing that he lied. 

Covid-19 has already brought forth feelings of anguish. These 2 events only exacerbate my not knowing what to expect.