Contradictions

The last day of the year and decade calls for some reflections of course.

Seems to me that the world around me is polarised and forces seem to be pulling from opposite directions. Perhaps this has affected me and I constantly wonder which side to follow. The following are some contradictions which tug at me :

-The ''OK Boomer" inter generational divide has caused me to vacillate over values like family & marriage, jobs and careers. The millennia generation's love for individualism has given rise to low birth rates.  While I feel that children bring joy and generate growth/continuity I also despair over how the human race destroys other life species. With respect to job security, while I support my adult children to pursue a career that aligns with their interest, I also fear their disregard for money and status is pure idealism. I secretly miss the bragging rights of an Asian parent's standard measure of an adult child''s success . On the other hand I silently pray hard for my children to achieve their own sense of fulfillment in life.

-When watching a footage on the Sydney forest fire, a scorched koala squeaking in pain wrenched my heart. In another instance I am engrossed with a magazine recommending exotic travel destinations. How can I enjoy travel without guilt ever again ? Travel is one of the few things that I really enjoy but I also despair over the recent reported catastrophic consequences of global warming.

-I listen in silence when my fitness classmates rant about ungrateful Singaporeans voting for the opposition party even though our government has done such a good job in meeting our needs. I agree with them and ask myself whether I am a prodigal daughter. Yet I fear that a one party government with group think can not last for long. I also particularly hate the authority's bullying behaviour of the opposition parties, suppression of slightest critique or disagreement and the lack of objectivity of our state press.

- I am thankful for the blessings that living in this country bestows. Yet the mainstream silos and the narrow definition of success and happiness saddens me. I frown at the Ah Liens and Ah Bengs' shallow obsessions. Yet I constantly wonder how simple routines make my illiterate mother-in-law such a happy and contented woman. I indulge in occasional profound contemplation but at the same time realise it can be a slippery slope that leads to nowhere. Perhaps the greatest profundity lies in my mother-in-law's living simply in the moment.

In short, over the years I have often found myself feeling contradictory. However I do have something to be elated about. I discover I am declared "young" again even as I feel the ache in my bones. Those between 65 and 75 are now known as YOLD, the young-old. What a delightful contradiction!

Purpose in non-work

Jack Ma says his grandfather worked 16 hours a day, he and his father work 8 hours and he foresees his children and their offspring working 3 hours a day.

Yes,with technology and AI jobs will be displaced and people will be freed of unproductive processes. People of the future will have much more time for leisure, creativity and family/social engagement.

Numerous questions pop up in my mind:

1. Is that necessarily true? As it appears now, with internet and faster connectivity people 's private life seems to have merged with their working life resulting in longer working hours.

2.  On the other hand if it is true, how do people spend their non working hours? Work provides structure , will people be at a loss with less work? Will more people indulge in addictive habits like online gaming?

3. Will the identity linked to work be redefined? For many, work has always been the purpose of living. With so little time spent on work do people now need to find new attachments of self identity?

This is quite an interesting topic for me. As a retiree I too occasionally have this sense of loss. This subject also ties in with my discussion in a previous blog dated 8 Dec on David Loy's concept of "Sense of Lack".

Many have romanticized a life with more leisure time where people engaged in creative, social and community activities. For retirees like me we can already live out their dreams . We can indulge in art and writing, volunteer in the community, continue learning, travel and try new things, indulge in our hobbies like gardening, play with our pets or simply engage in anything that makes us come alive.

Only when we feel alive, there is less need for the search of identity and purpose; and the sense of lack probably less felt.

Caught unprepared- questions on sexuality

During the last session at the Children's Home, I was caught unprepared when a few girls in their early teens asked me questions about sex. It all began when they were laughing and teasing around when they discovered that the toy baby boy has full body anatomy including private parts.

I normalize their curiosity and then discussed what they have learnt in school about human biology and sex. They have learnt about sexual organs from Science lessons but actual sex education is taught only in Secondary 3. Despite that it is clear that they know quite a fair bit already from social media etc.

Then they popped the questions. "Is it really nice?", "Do you like it?", "Does it hurt?"

My response to the first question was "Yes if you truly love the person"

My response to the second question was "It's ok lah" to which one of the girls remarked "You don't love your husband huh?". When I asked why she thought so she said I didn't sound very excited. Were they expecting a jubilant "YESSSSS" reply, I wondered.

As for the third question I was contemplating a technical answer but decided to repeat the first response as a motherhood answer.

Since they were on this topic I thought perhaps I should shared a bit about the risk of unwanted pregnancy. They seemed to be aware of that quoting incidents they know. I then considered  educating them a bit about how boys may put pressure on their girl friends to have a sexual relationship.

One of the girls then remarked that couples should only have sex after marriage. I then thought I should also discourage them from marrying too young and having children too early.

Just when I said "You should only consider having babies when you are working and can provide for your baby" I suddenly recalled all these kids are from either single parents or dysfunctional families. I was dumb founded and did not elaborate further because I could jolly well be talking about their mothers not being able to look after them. It also dawned on me I am ignorant of how their religion approach the subject of sex education, marriage and procreation.

This encounter however was a reminder that I lack the knowledge of what constitutes a healthy discussion with teenagers on sex and also in the context of their culture. Have I forgotten that in counselling I must be careful not to use my own personal criteria and should be aware of the cultural background of the client?

Certainly I need to do more research and be more prepared for such discussions.

Einstein's quote revisited

I have always been very intrigued with Einstein quote on our illusion of a separate self. First I must regurgitate the quote again, though a different translated version:

" A human being is a spatially and temporarily limited piece of the whole, what we call the "Universe". He experiences himself and his feelings as separate from the rest, an optical illusion of his consciousness. The quest for liberation from this bondage is the only object of true religion. Not nurturing the illusion but only overcoming it gives us the attainable measure of inner peace".

Listening to podcast of a talk at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Centre by David Loy, (Zen scholar, author and professor), I could draw parallels.

David touched on the perception of duality, an illusion of a separate self due to our social construct. As it is an illusion, we always have a sense of lack ie. we don't feel 'real'. Like the front and back of our palm, we have both a sense of self and a sense of lack.

We feel alone, weak, insecure, anxious and void. In a sense it is like an existential crisis. Hence we try to fill our lives with things that may help to make us feel more 'real". We strive for assets, status and relationship with the hope that we can feel more secure.

Einstein spoke of overcoming this illusion of a separate self  as "an object of true religion" to attain inner peace. Christianity's focus on reuniting with God through Christ is probably what Einstein has in mind, likewise Buddhist teachings on non-self and awakening to the Buddha nature within. Both  point towards reuniting with the greater whole or God.

The following quote by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj best expresses Einstein's advice on the 'liberation from the bondage' of this illusion:

"When I look inside and see that I am nothing, that is wisdom. When I look outside and see that I am everything, that is love. And between these two, my life flows."