Who am I?

One message the CIB (Children in between) workshop aims to impart to children of  divorcing/divorced parents is that they still belong to a family even when the members are living apart. "Huh?" one child remarked in puzzlement. The social worker explained that from the day he was born he was part of the family and continues to be even if his parents and siblings are not living together. The children were then asked to draw their family on a prescribed page in the workbook designed for the workshop. One Caucasian boy refused to budge and lay on the floor with his hood covering his face. I was assisting in the workshop and I coaxed him to draw himself and his pets first since he was sharing about his pets earlier on. He sat up looked at the page and when I came back after attending to others, he said "Done". I looked at the empty page and remarked that it was empty. He then replied "I am invisible". We did not manage to get him to work on the workbook.

That evening it dawned on me the deeper meaning behind his remarks of being invisible. People usually describe themselves as invisible when they feel left out, excluded and unnoticed. There are many factors which can create such a feeling in children whose parents are divorced or undergoing divorce. Some parents can be so emotionally spent that there is little space left in them to pay attention to their children's feelings. Sitting on the sideline, the child may then feel like a ghost without a body.

Often the children are used as go between reinforcing their misconception they are responsible for their parents' divorce. In their own eyes they are defective and unlovable and often numb themselves as a coping mechanism. Hence they feel disconnected from their body.

Lost and confused are among some of the feeling words which the children circle to describe how they feel at the workshop. The children's entire world which was previously defined by their parents and family suddenly collapses. It is hard for the kids to grasp they are still themselves while struggling to figure out where they fit in the new world. This sense of loss again fuels the feeling of being invisible and unable to find oneself.

That was the first session out of 3 in the CIB workshop. I guess I now know what to focus on to help this 'invisible' boy find himself. Hopefully at the next session he can draw at least a stick figure who represents him on the page entitled "My Family".

No Show

Both appointments this week were cancelled last minute, 'no show' they called it. The first, I kind of expected because the mother of the client questioned my skills  in sandplay therapy. Prior to the first session when I met up with her to share  how the therapy works, she brushed me aside quite abruptly declaring that she knows what expressive therapy is all about and I need not elaborate further. After the first session she checked with her child about what went on during the session and gave feedback to my boss that I used the wrong technique. Had she bothered to spend some time with me she would understand there are variations on the approach to sandplay therapy.Really, if the parent has no faith in the therapist it does not make sense for the child to continue because the parent will probably be sending the wrong vibes to the child. It is a pity because from my interpretation of the child's sand story she desires personal boundaries and protection from external threats ( a common dilemma in a child caught between parents fighting for custody).

The second no show case was unexpected because the client and guardian wanted very regular sessions. In fact to be honest I was secretly relieved when last minute the guardian called to cancel the appointment. The client who has several issues had once described each session like me equipping him with ammunition to face the world. Unfortunately it's more than a year now and he does not seem to have mastered the skill nor the will to develop the ammunition himself. I feel I am here to give support not to be his lifeline. As the boy has various issues I have also assisted the guardian to get specialized help from other organisations.

Most time however 'no show' appointments especially last minute cancellations leave a sour taste in the mouth. You  review the file, think through the approach and make your way to the centre. You are there usually about 15 minutes before the appointment to settle down and be in the right frame of mind for the client. Then you review the case notes while waiting. The hour comes and past. Then the call comes with some explanation or in your mind just excuses You feel you have wasted your time. You speculate the real reason behind the cancellation. In summary you feel unappreciated and may harbour doubt on your own ability.  The truth then is that your own ego needs a lifeline. All these feelings surface before you reason with yourself these are just part and parcel of the job. With sandplay therapy especially where there is little concrete scientific validation of its efficacy, parents of clients have the tendency to question the worthiness of the time and effort in bringing their child to 'play'.

In a very different setting at the Childrens' home where I volunteer  no such ego dance is involved. The children just feel happy to play in my presence and I just go with the flow and shower love. There is no need to think of efficacy. Here they are captive clients though more than willing. Here there is no such thing as 'no show'. Perhaps it is the children that worry about 'no show' from me and I also worry that they worry about my 'no show' when I have to be away.That is the beauty of no expectation.

To Feel Alive

While on holiday at Melbourne we joined an overnight tour to the Grampians. This is the first tour guide in all my travels to different places in the world who is so animated, so excited and enthusiastic about animals, nature and the places he is bringing us. In every place of interest he captured the scenery with his professional camera as if it was his first visit. He showed us pictures of the same place in different seasons or time of the day. He knows the names and the different temperaments of the kangaroos hanging around the motel where we stayed and has many close ups of them. He pointed Gulars (Australian bird) perched on trees and eagles sailing the skies.

At 2 pm on the second day having covered the itineraries, instead of quickly sending us back on a 3 hour drive back to Melbourne he was super delighted when the bus of 9 youths and 2 baby boomers (my husband and me) were keen to experience what he termed as a surprise for us. He thus detoured and lo and behold after a one hour drive there was before us a lake all pink in colour. The lake is pink in colour due to the algae growing in the salt crust at the bottom of the lake. The young girls in our tour were wild with delight taking photos of themselves jumping barefooted in the waters. What a sight! After the detour I was actually hoping we would head back to the city, but the high spirits of  our young companions reinforced our guide's enthusiasm who brought us on a one hour drive back to a town where we visited earlier in the morning just to see a creek which he thought would be overflowing at that time of the day. Though he said it would be a 20 minute 'walk' up the terrain I knew enough that it would easily be more than an hour  to and fro. I joined them for a short distance 'climbing' the stones and small rocks and knew I would never be able to reach the top and back before the sun went down. So my husband and I decided to descend and wait for them at the foot. My son who went with the rest described how animated the guide was when they were at the top jumping from rock to rock across the creek to capture pictures of the scene as well as the youths.

Ok if in your mind this guide is a youth or someone in his late thirties or early forties, you are quite wrong. I think he is easily in his mid fifties. He has an engineering qualification in Australia and was an engineer until he changed career to be a tour guide cum photographer because the job gives him unlimited 'adrenaline' meeting people and catching changing scenes of nature. He again reinforces my belief that one must find a vocation that makes one feel 'alive' to really experience the joy of living.

Co-incidentally the other people who inspired me likewise are also Australians, the couple whom I stayed with in Perth as a Airbnb guest. The focus and the energy they poured into tendering their plot of land filled with fruit trees, and various types of plants showed me that to live with content one must be totally engaged in something one loves doing. For these Australians embracing nature keeps them 'alive'.

Though I have not found the activity that engages me totally, these 3 people have spurred me on my search to feel alive.

The Pink Lake

Him talking to the parrot

His photo of Joey in mummy's pouch

Each moment - A clean plate

'The past and the future are just thoughts'  This was a phrase I picked up from a podcast with little elaborations provided.

It seems to imply they are not real, not solid and are illusive. Perhaps it is suggesting that thoughts on the past are delusive and thoughts on the future imaginary. It probably puzzles over why we are then constantly obsessing over either the past or the future. This phrase dawns on us the folly of all the wasted present moments.

Research has shown that memories can be inaccurate and constructed. There is this process called reconsolidation where upon recalling a past experience the emotions accompanying the recalling reinforces the initial emotions of the experience. Each time we reset a memory we tend to restrengthen the connection between the memory and the feelings. This will be intensified if we keep on ruminating a bad experience for instance.

Furthermore no 2 persons will remember an incident with exactly the same details and the same emotions. This is because the perception, feelings and mental fabrication (conditioned habitual response) that accompany the encounter is different for every individual. All these seem to caution us against being too caught up with past memories, which may not be as real as we thought.

As for thoughts on the future they may seem less fruitless than past memories because some amount of planning is necessary for us  to function or make a living. However being too obsessed with the future robs us of all the 'present moments' such that we miss out a lot of our lives. Even more unproductive would be worries about the future, much of which is usually unnecessary.

However these are just logical arguments that I seek to help explain this statement that 'the past and future are just thoughts'. I have yet another feel for it. It occurs to me that our perception of time as linear may not be that solid after all. Someone said that 'time is like a string of present moments'. Our concept of the past, present and future as linear is by introducing a string. What if there is in reality no such string?

Can't each moment be lived on a clean plate?