Right Communication

Gathered from a podcast on Right Communication the following 4 useful points to remember when communicating:

- authenticity
- good intention
- necessity
- right time & place

I discover at least one benefit using them as a mental checklist before speaking, which is arresting the act of nagging. Take for instance you are about to turn in close to midnight and your daughter is still glued to the laptop and has yet to take her shower. You are about to tell her in the most concise statements (so to reduce irritating her ) that sufficient sleep is SOOO important for health and bathing late at night causes rheumatism in old age. Applying the checklist you then ask:

Are the intended words authentic?- Sure, you have sufficient evidence from what you have gathered.

Are they out of good and kind intention?- Of course, you are being caring and protective. Wait a minute, is it really just from a place of caring?  Quite likely it is also to satisfy your sense of 'responsibility' as a mother to deliver advice (even though it has been repeated thousands of time). In other words you need to feel good about yourself as a caring mother.

Is the reminder really necessary? Yes or No depending on her state of mind. If she is rationale she does not need such superfluous advice. However if she is too carried away or lost in time then maybe a short reminder like ' I'm off to bed, it's close to midnight ' will help restore awareness.

Are those facts about sleep, good health and rheumatism appropriate at close to midnight?  Dicey if she is watching an online movie or chatting. Certainly not if she is rushing to meet a work dateline. Assess whether those words will fall on deaf ears. If so save them for a more appropriate time and place.

I read the blog of one intern psychologist  who was quite exhausted with her mother's continuous nagging. She described them as unsolicited advice, incessant reminders and panicky warnings; and a 'repetition compulsion' to satisfy her own emotional needs.

As I ponder further I can think of other types of communication like gossip and probing which obviously do not meet the 4 criteria of 'right communication'. It is good practice to keep them in mind.

Consciousness

According to philosopher David Hume, self is nothing but a series of transient feelings, sensations and  perceptions. 'Everything in our conscious state is derived from impression. For Hume the 'self' is several ideas and impressions. There is no single impression that endures one's whole life'.  Any notion of a consistent self is but an imagination. From Hume's viewpoint because our consciousness is constantly changing there is no 'self' which remains constant.

One of the points that strikes me when attending the talk by Ajahn Sumedho was when he mentioned that consciousness is beyond self. I am always struggling with trying to understand the concept of non self. For me the attachment to the idea of self (me, my and mine) is the greatest cause of dissatisfaction and unhappiness in life. Hume's belief that 'self' is an imagined state excites me. Ajahn Sumedho's point about consciousness not being personal brings to mind an often suggested question to ask during meditation. 'Who is being aware?' From Sumedho's viewpoint whatever that is aware of the self is not the self, it is not a person.

This understanding or experience is important for me because it will propel me not only to gain more wisdom but to be a more compassionate person. It will calm my comparative mind and shape my values to achieve more equanimity and peace.

For instance, when a person is totally absorbed in the here and now like when he is with nature or when he is playing a piece of music, the consciousness of self is absent. These non-self engagement in the absence of 'restrictive self identification boundaries' foster a sense of freedom and fullness of life. This perhaps is true consciousness.

New goal and paradigm shift

Research studies have shown that amongst students from various fields, those graduating in economics have the sharpest decline in altruistic value compared with when they first started as freshmen. Economics professors in the US were also found to give the least to charities relative to those in other faculties. In another survey economics students were found to be least likely to return money picked up on the way, and this especially so for students studying the Game Theory. Economics students who had taken at least 3 economic courses were also more likely to rate greed as generally good, correct and moral.

A broad explanation is that the principles of economics including  maximisation of benefits from scarce resources,  trade offs and self interest around utility shape the minds towards an exchange/trade and opportunity cost mentality vis-a-vis a giving mentality. Likewise countries focusing solely on GDP growth as a measure of its citizens' well being have neglected other indicators of happiness. Reports have shown strong correlation between inequality and unhappiness.

Della Duncan, economist and GNH (Gross National Happiness) trainer in a talk explored how our current economic system can be radically transformed. She enumerated the big leverage for any change in a system are in changing the goal and a paradigm shift in thinking. She went on to discuss a diversion from a sole focus on GDP and to include parameters on GNH. The GNH index includes domains like psychological well being, health, education, how time is used, cultural diversity, good governance, community, ecological diversity & resilience and living standards.

What amazes me is some of the measurements used to assess the above parameters among the citizens in Bhutan. They include hours of sleep, time usage including time for meditation, the number of people who will care for a citizen when they are ill or who will celebrate a life event with them and the amount of respect citizens have for "trees".

I am quite intrigued by these measurements  and probably will read up a bit more; maybe to adopt as yardsticks for myself. It may call for new goals and a paradigm shift from the conventional notions of the prerequisites for happiness but I am quite sure it will point towards a more holistic well being.

Reminders from Supervision

I googled for a counselling supervisor and found one whom I kind of like even though his charges is on the high side. This was my first supervision session after many years. My first supervisor attached to the university when I was still a struggling student had commented that my counselling style lacked focus although my hypnotic voice would keep the clients coming back. Not bad if my aim was to earn money. My second supervisor was a joke and I just made do with him because his charges was low and I had to chalk up a certain minimum supervision hours to get my qualifications. After that I had some group supervision at work.

This current supervisor is an elderly man with many years of experience helping couples and families. However to my great surprise he also has skills in play therapy including sandplay therapy, skills which he did not include in his credentials. I have sought him out to get more help on talk therapy with adolescents. In particular I had brought up a case involving an angry teenage boy in a very adverse family circumstance. Though I have helped him manage his anger I have not been successful to help him focus on a goal so as to divert his obsession with being a victim.

I walked away from the first supervision session quite satisfied. Though I didn't learn a new skill I was reminded of some basic facts about counselling which I have forgotten when too immersed  in the case. Firstly I am not expected  to help solve all his problems. He would learn to stand on his own in overcoming his difficulties. Secondly I really must push him to arrive at a goal even small ones which will reinforce his confidence when accomplished. This points to my own lack of focus and persistence which I acknowledge, and am glad to be reminded. (Looks like my very first supervisor saw my inherent weakness). I have always feared to appear too pushy and hence have forgotten to be firm.

I think what I like about this supervisor is the way he empathizes with my struggles, often affirming the strategies I have used and recognising the daunting challenges faced by the boy and hence by me in trying to help, ie. instilling confidence and empathising. Indeed these are the strategies that I use constantly myself, listening empathetically and validating the clients' strength. Now being a recipient and knowing they work, at least on me, is great.

Just this morning I listened to a podcast which advocates that to change a system which is not working well we need to change the goal. More about that in another blog.