Emotional paradox

"How did you find the singing?" I asked my husband when we stepped out of the theatre after watching the live musical Don't Cry for me Argentina. I didn't really cared for his response because I wanted to slip in my next question subtly "How was my performance in comparison?" I asked with a slight embarrassment to which he replied "Not too far off" which pleased me though I know he has a deaf ear.

No I did not perform. I was really referring to the singing competition held by my company 25 years ago that I participated in and walked away with second runner up. In the face of what I had then perceived as tough competition during the finals I decided on the song Don't Cry for me Argentina which was like half talking with feelings and demanded less of vocal skills and talent. I remembered my brother who was in the audience joked that I was placed because the judges thought it appropriate to put at least one management staff in the top 3 position.

Thinking back I am amazed at the guts I had then and puzzled at what had motivated me to take part in a singing competition. Never would I do such a thing now. To reflect further I was in my late thirties then, young enough to do crazy things and not be so easily embarrassed. Have I grown more sensitive over the years?

As I age I notice I have become more easily embarrassed and anxious over certain things whilst more confident and care free in other aspects. There is some mellowing out while at the same time stronger emotions are also felt in other situations. For instance I would be very conscious and anxious when rendered assistance on technology by a young person as I am afraid of testing their patience. However I am not afraid to appear shabby. Though not too hung up when people are disrespectful to me, any act of bullying and injustice that I witness draws strong reactions. I am also more prone to tears when reading or watching human sufferings over the media ie. more intense empathy.

In short it is not just about mellowing out and being more calm . Neither is it just about being more emotionally sensitive as one ages. I think it is more complex and both of the above can happen and is unique to each individual.

Just yesterday I went for a Karoke session and evaluated my rendition of Don't Cry for me Argentina. I realised what a long long way my singing ability has fallen over the years. However true to the theory about mellowing out I have little sadness about the loss. Yet the lyrics of another song almost brought tears to my eyes.