Let not each moment of awe be lost

To revisit a place to recreate or relive an experience does not seem to work all the time. This is proven true for me at least twice. One is at Tam Coc Vietnam and another at Mount Fuji which I recently visited.

My first visit to Kawaguchiko Japan a few years ago mesmerized me. I had then reached the hotel in the evening when everything was dark and misty even though the room had a mountain view. Waking up in the middle of the night when the mist had cleared, the first glimpse of  the silhouette of Mt Fuji with its unmistakable snow covered top awed me totally. In the stillness of the night it was magical, like a farmer's hat with a glowing white top. I was looking to be awed again during this recent trip.

This time round however we arrived in the afternoon with a clear view of the mountain. Though still exceedingly beautiful that magical awe that I longed for was absent. The following day a short hike led us to a gem of a spot by the lake with the mountain as a backdrop and a lone man fishing on a boat. There we rested absorbing the serene joy of early spring.

Included in the recent itinerary was the revisit of a zen temple at Kamakura. Fresh in my memory was a garden with a pond at the back of the temple where we had once sat alone admiring the zen ambience.  During the recent visit when we made our way to the back garden I was taken aback by the fully occupied  benches on the wooden balcony overlooking the pond. The crowd and the absence of the red leaves of autumn had failed to evoke the feeling of zen in me. Quite the contrary the bloom of the cherry blossom trees in front of the temple had sparked the freshness of spring.

Each moment has to be lived in its full intensity. Any form of expectation and wanting based on past memories will spoil it or reduce its awe. It is hard to relive any past experience totally because it is impossible to replicate the same set of conditions. Instead of magic and zen which I was expecting I experienced the freshness of spring.

Emotional paradox

"How did you find the singing?" I asked my husband when we stepped out of the theatre after watching the live musical Don't Cry for me Argentina. I didn't really cared for his response because I wanted to slip in my next question subtly "How was my performance in comparison?" I asked with a slight embarrassment to which he replied "Not too far off" which pleased me though I know he has a deaf ear.

No I did not perform. I was really referring to the singing competition held by my company 25 years ago that I participated in and walked away with second runner up. In the face of what I had then perceived as tough competition during the finals I decided on the song Don't Cry for me Argentina which was like half talking with feelings and demanded less of vocal skills and talent. I remembered my brother who was in the audience joked that I was placed because the judges thought it appropriate to put at least one management staff in the top 3 position.

Thinking back I am amazed at the guts I had then and puzzled at what had motivated me to take part in a singing competition. Never would I do such a thing now. To reflect further I was in my late thirties then, young enough to do crazy things and not be so easily embarrassed. Have I grown more sensitive over the years?

As I age I notice I have become more easily embarrassed and anxious over certain things whilst more confident and care free in other aspects. There is some mellowing out while at the same time stronger emotions are also felt in other situations. For instance I would be very conscious and anxious when rendered assistance on technology by a young person as I am afraid of testing their patience. However I am not afraid to appear shabby. Though not too hung up when people are disrespectful to me, any act of bullying and injustice that I witness draws strong reactions. I am also more prone to tears when reading or watching human sufferings over the media ie. more intense empathy.

In short it is not just about mellowing out and being more calm . Neither is it just about being more emotionally sensitive as one ages. I think it is more complex and both of the above can happen and is unique to each individual.

Just yesterday I went for a Karoke session and evaluated my rendition of Don't Cry for me Argentina. I realised what a long long way my singing ability has fallen over the years. However true to the theory about mellowing out I have little sadness about the loss. Yet the lyrics of another song almost brought tears to my eyes.

The importance of being present

The importance of being present can never be overly emphasized in counselling practice. The counselor's authentic presence evokes an ambiance of unconditional acceptance and creates a safe space for the client to explore his/her emotions. When engaging in talk therapy I am always fully present and manage any tendency to think of a response.

However it still startles me how important it is to be fully present with the client in play therapy. So at a children's home where I volunteer engaging the children in play therapy, I was caught several times when my attention was momentarily diverted. Children have the tendency to play out a theme several times to fully express or fathom their inner emotions. So it is very common for a child at the home to repeat for several sessions laying out a home scene within a heavily fenced environment before tugging the babies to bed or another child to play the story of a maid abused by an evil queen over and over again or for a boy to use action figures in one-on-one combat endlessly. Usually the child plays quietly during the initial two sessions followed by sessions with self commentary or self talk usually after they feel more comfortable and safe with the therapist.

For me when the relationship has taken roots and when I could feel their ease with my presence I tend to lose a bit of attention partly because an hourly session of repetitive themes can be quite straining (boring). When the child seems to be totally absorbed in his own play talking to himself, I had on a few occasions moved a few steps away to retrieve my handphone from my bag. In most attempts my attention was called back by them which caught me by surprise because they seemed so absorbed in their own play. During one such session recently a boy was so intense at building a heavily guarded home before an enemy attack I felt really guilty when called back by him the moment I stepped away. I felt so sorry for deserting him when he is so intense in building a safety net for himself.

I remind myself play therapy is an effective expressive therapy and works on the same principles of basic counseling theory.

In counselling theory when the client feels the presence of the counselor's congruent unconditional acceptance and empathy they feel they are being heard and understood. The counselor holds the client emotionally while they explore their experience.