The Last of 2017

"The present changes the past. Looking back you do not find what you left behind"-Kiran Desai in The Inheritance of Loss

 2017 will soon be another year of the past. Is the past locked in time? Does the past remains unchanged? It is true that what has happened happened and can never be changed or undone. However whether it will be locked in time depends on the present. As we progress we should see our past differently unless we are determined to lock a certain view forever.

The following is a case example

In primary school I was despised by a clique of smart and rich girls. The class teacher often reinforced the hurt by embarrassing me openly; whilst yet another group of girls looked on sympathetically. Since then I intensely hated getting the look of pity on peoples' faces, hence propelling me to constantly try never to fall behind others in all aspects.  Over time however that intensity decreases with new perspectives and priorities.

In that sense the past is constantly changed by new beliefs of the numerous presents.

"Looking back you do not find what you left behind"

Talking with my Shadow

Since it is close to year end which calls for new resolutions I shall carry on to discuss about engaging my shadows.

Though I have a natural love for all children I can hardly say it's the same for all people in general. I can be quite condescending especially towards people whom I regard as trivial and narrow in outlook.  I am always reminded by Plato's quote "an unexamined life is not worth living" and yet am constantly frustrated with my own inability to achieve a real breakthrough in the search for deeper meaning. Hence the delight that 'simple' people get from basic enjoyment and simple engagement probably upset me because it casts doubt on Plato's statement and proves these people have the simple answer which I can not comprehend or experience.

Going by psychological wisdom, the people whom you dislike most have characteristics that you actually possess and find hard to accept within yourself thus projecting onto others. That being the case can it be my own 'narrowness' I am unable to tolerate?

To help me accept more of others and myself I could again rely on Bernanke's words of encouragement for people who are endowed and lucky in so many ways to "contribute to the betterment of the world and to share their luck with others". Included in his list of "luckiest in health, family support, educational and career opportunities" is also the "luckiest in genetic endowment".

Thus if a person is superficial or trivial or petty much has to do with his or her upbringing, education and genetics. Even if I deem myself relatively less of being such than someone whom I look upon disdainfully I must remind myself of being more lucky (if what I deemed is indeed true). Bernanke quoted the Gospel of Luke in the Bible: "From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded".

If I can't contribute to these people's betterment I can at least be less condescending. It doesn't 'require' that much does it?

Gratitiude

I started writing this blog in 2007 after resigning from a corporate job and had lots of time on hand. It has been 10 years since. I named my blog "still searching" then to describe my situation after the loss of identity and purpose which a job so readily provided. I embarked on a search for a vocation which I hoped would make me feel more fulfilled than repeatedly resubmitting drafts of financing proposals and pandering to the whims and idiosyncrasies of bosses. I guess there were elements of mid life crisis and the quest for authenticity of some form. Of course overnight I also lost the lucrative income and perks as well as missed the humouring from business associates and junior staff.

A counselling qualification, 5 years of school counselling and years of volunteering later I now wonder whether I should still be retaining the "still searching" logo. Have I found what I was searching for after 10 long years?

To be honest, my counselling work has not yielded results as concretely recognisable as would the completion of a project in my previous job. The lavish celebration and accolades from the bankers would attest to that. In contrast I can only count within the fingers of one hand the number of children whom I can confidently claimed to have changed for the better  from my counselling engagement. As for the rest I can only vaguely guess or hope that I have been of help and comfort. Many a moment I have wondered whether the decision to quit was a wise move. How does one measure a visible accolade and monetary rewards against the smile on a child's face? Will I ever stop succumbing to the habit of tracking results?

To keep me on course I revert time and again to the following words of Thomas Merton (poet, social activist and Trappist monk):

" Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less of an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything." 

In retrospect the experiences of the last 10 years have helped me gain much self awareness and deal with the "narrowness" of my ego which a corporate position would clearly impede. Coming into contact with people from a totally different field and having the privilege of people sharing their life challenges and just having more time on hand to read or listen to podcast, have perpetuated deeper reflections about life and humanity which inevitably led to more spiritual contemplation.

Is the search still on then? For sure I have drifted vaguely towards a certain direction which I believe is where I would want to be. Having said that the search is still on to find strategies to address certain shadows ( arrogance and suffer no fools syndrome just to name one) which are obstacles to my inner growth.

Just last week a boy at the Children's home told me he is happy that his birthday in 2018 falls on a Thursday. "Why? Isn't everyday the same during the December school holidays ?" I asked. "It's the day you come for sandplay!" he replied. (I have given him a present in advance of his birthday and no one has turned up on his actual birthday). Again I am reminded by Bernake: "From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required".

Yes above all else I have learnt to be grateful, really grateful.

Try a bit harder

Some of the kids in my sandplay program at the Children's home have become bored with individual therapy and ask for joint sessions with another participant. Hence I have allowed joint sessions that evolve more into play sessions. To make the sessions more beneficial for them I have introduced counselling  cards and interactive board games where one child can hear another talk about their fears and joys etc.

One such card set consists of pairs of feelings like 'excited', 'embarrassed', 'surprised', 'sad', 'angry' etc. In one such joint session were 2 girls one 8 and another 10 years of age. The younger girl has a deep anger issue and often throws huge tantrum. She is under the purview of a school psychologist and had on one occasion threw things at the psychologist. I have been with the older child for 2 years and she is now more stable, matured and well behaved compared to earlier years. At the start of the session the younger girl wanted to play 'restaurant' where my role is to be a customer whilst the girls take turns to be chef and manager. ( An opportunity for me to point out their strength be it in organising the kitchen, creativity in writing out the menu and co-operation between them). However I suggested playing the card game first which didn't go very well with the younger girl.

The card game which all 3 of us played is very much like the donkey card game where upon getting a pair of similar cards you throw the pair down. I just twisted the game to make each player share an experience of the feeling written on cards when the pair are thrown down. The older girl was very expressive and even shared an occasion of being embarrassed when she wet the bed. The younger girl however was not expressive, either because she has limited vocabulary or too young to share on top of already being sulky. She threw down a pair of 'sad' cards and refused to say anything. The older girl asked her whether she was sad when her mum didn't show up on her birthday to which she nodded before we proceeded with the game. Her birthday is in November.

When the game was over we went on to play the restaurant game. Half way through though the pair got into a heated exchange with the younger girl spewing out some vulgarities. Apparently the older girl was pretending to be angry in her role play as manager and scolded the 'chef'. The 'chef' however didn't accept being scolded even at role play. Despite the older child trying to convince the younger that it was all 'play' 'play' the later's anger did not abate. I then persuaded the older child to leave the room before hell broke lose as the younger child was beginning to grab things for throwing.

When the older girl left the younger one was still uttering profanities and I tried to calm her down explaining that it was all play and no one was angry with her. She refused to listen and made a gesture of wanting to hit me. In helpless response I told her we started off the session playing happily together and we could have ended the session being happy instead of being angry for nothing and that we have a choice to be happy or angry. What she retorted astounded me and affected me upon reflection. She said angrily "Not every one can be happy like you".

Her response was just as spontaneous as mine, an utterance from the inner child.

I have been thinking about it. I need to find a skilled supervisor to assist me in my work. The girl's appointments with the psychologist are months apart whilst I have more regular contacts with her. I actually have more opportunity to help her but I need to have more skill. I need to learn from someone instead of just relying on my usual strategies and research.

I am searching for a skilled counsellor/psychologist as my supervisor. I am writing this in my blog to push myself to actually do it instead of procrastinating.

"Not everyone can be happy like you".

I am not happy all the time my dear little girl but we can always try a bit harder to be.