Right speech Right action

I am not trying to preach here but I think "right speech" and "right action" as part of the Buddhist eight fold noble path to reduce sufferings is so evident in our lives.

My colleague and I counsel a mother and her 15 year old boy respectively. Their relationship is estranged as the single mother has all along left the care of the child to a relative in another home. During a joint session when all 4 of us were present my colleague and I thought there was some headway as both mother and child cleared some misunderstanding and bared some truths.

I had a session with the boy recently and learned from him that things had turned sour again. It started off well when the boy and his guardians invited the mother to their home to celebrate her birthday. They had bought a cake. Meanwhile the boy had made an appointment with the technical support of a telco to call him around 7pm. According to him his mother was aware of that but insisted that he took his shower and kept nagging at him. As it happened he missed the call whilst taking the shower. He said the call meant a great deal to him. He was so pissed off that he shut himself in the room after slamming the door, refusing to participate in mum's cake cutting. This was followed by more heated exchange. The episode ended with the boy watching his mum left on her motor bike from his bedroom window.

I tried to get him to reflect what he would do differently if given a chance to relive that day to achieve his original intention of celebrating mum's birthday. I also asked him to reflect what mum could be feeling when he watched her leaving on the motorbike. Though he defended himself vehemently I could tell he knew his mother was hurt.

Though it is not common for counselors to disclose their personal feelings I could not help but express how I felt hearing his account. I told him I felt it was such a great pity that what had started off as a happy occasion (rare in their circumstances) was brought to an unpleasant end by rash actions and lack of patience and tolerance.

After the session whilst recalling and writing my case notes, the image of the son watching from his bedroom window his mum leaving on her motorbike and the image of a crushed mother leaving a blotched celebration on her birthday evoked in me a sense of the pointlessness of unwise actions and speech.

 

Financially incomapatible- is it a problem?

In an article "What being financially shamed taught me about relationships" Simone Paget related how her boyfriend broke up with her citing incompatibility in earning power. He remarked "I want someone who can keep up with me."

Simone came from a financially poor background where her parents had to make do with DIY Cabbage Patch kid toys for the children, make shift furniture, dressed-up sofa which hid the wear and tear and a rusty volkswagen to send the kids to school. She didn't feel embarrassed except for once when a friend described her house decor as "weird". However when this pampered boyfriend gave his reasons for the break up she felt like a "six year old again, watching ashamed and horrified as someone kicked my DIY-ed Cabbage Patch Kid down the street because she said it was 'stupid and fake'."

Indeed in marriage counselling finances is a subject which need to be discussed and compromised. Therapist Alysha Jeney opined that "income, career, debt and relationship with money all come from an emotional place". Hence it is important for a couple to recognise differences in the value and emotional experiences of their partner in relation to money. The consumption habits learned from growing up years have also to be reckoned with. The writer concluded that she became more wary when forming new relationships looking out for compatibility in the attitude towards money and spending.

I thought to myself perhaps that was why in olden days the Chinese placed importance in "木门对木门, 竹门对竹门，”. The literal translation being "wooden door should be matched made to wooden door, bamboo door should be matched made to bamboo door". This would minimize disagreement and discord arising from value and habit differences in upbringing.

Both my husband and I do not come from well to do families and were taught to be frugal. Even then the differences in the extent of frugality and the type of expenses to exercise frugality often result in frustrations and hands throwing up resignation. My father in law had a chicken farm to produce eggs and the family of 11 had encountered seasons when a viral attack on the chicken would wipe out their income for several months to a year. Thus the need to save for a rainy day was ingrained in the children especially the older siblings. Not only that the need to stock up supplies for unexpected hard times had such an everlasting influence on my husband that I had to accept sorting out closer to expiry sauces, can food, beverages ever so often. The whole store room is also filled with spoilt gadgets the parts of which may prove useful when repairing another gadget. Many a times I have to tell him outright "You are no longer that poor. grow out of it". 

Of course my own consumption habits have their shortcomings too. My mother loved little luxuries that came along once in a blue moon. So once a while she would splurge on a very costly tin of UK imported biscuit or chocolates for the children. Also she would save up for a very beautiful but expensive fabric to make a gorgeous dress. The imprint on me is "expensive means good" in quality. Hence when I can afford I will go blindly  for the higher priced product which is a total attack on my husband's look out for the 'good and cheap'. Fortunately we have sort of agreed on the rights over purchase of different household items.

Can you then imagine what it is like if a daughter of a tycoon marries a man from an average income background. It reminds me of the book "Crazy Rich Asians" where one of the character is a tycoon's daughter who married a government scholar or something. She had to hide her dresses when she returned from her shopping spree in Europe.

Well at the end of the day relationship is about accepting minor incompatibilities as long as they are not deal breakers, right? So I must say to Simone, the writer "Good Luck".

Peak-end rule

As per Wikipedia "The peak-end rule is a psychological heuristic in which prople judge an experience based on how they felt at its peak (ie. its most intense point) and at its end rather than based on the total sum or average of every moment of the experience. The effect occurs regardless of whether the experience is pleasant or unpleasant." Basically it is because of a memory bias on emotional peaks and a memory bias on recency.

I was listening to a podcast on how businesses can make use of this phenomena to win loyal customers. An example was a raving review for a hotel from a set of parents. Their toddler had left his favourite soft toy in the hotel room after checking out. Back home the child was kicking a huge tantrum and refused to go to bed. The father requested the hotel to message him a photo of the teddy bear inside the hotel room so he could pacify the child with the tale that teddy wanted to stay a bit longer to enjoy himself. What blew them off was when teddy bear came in the delivery complete with a whole album of teddy enjoying himself at the pool, the gym, the playroom etc.

I can personally vouch for this too. I only vaguely remember the services offered by one investment bank assisting us on a M&A project but what stood out in my memory were 2 things. At the end of the project at a celebration dinner our project team was presented with a comic version of the process and comprised of all the team members drawn in the image of characters in the Matrix movie. Another retained memory of the bank was when having flown into New York for a roadshow past midnight with an empty stomach and immediately summoned for a in-house meeting by the chiefs who had arrived much earlier, a gentle knock at the door of the meeting room was heard and a little brown paper bag containing sandwiches was sneaked through the slightly opened door by a project member from that bank. The first memory was a happy ending to a prolonged event whilst the second memory was an emotional peak experience of the satisfaction of hunger. Perhaps my bosses remembered the bank by more significant attributes but ordinary folks like me succumb to this peak-end theory.

The podcast went on to suggest that we can apply this theory to our everyday life to spice it up a bit. The way to do is to depart from routine once a while. Maybe instead of the usual restaurant dinner on your birthday try observing fasting after 3 pm and distract yourself from the growling stomach with a visit to the night safari. This is just on top of my head. A Chinese New Year celebration packing the whole extended family to a grand picnic at the park may also become a year to remember. Departing from the usual 'must-see' or 'best-time' travel itinerary also makes it unforgettable. My family's experience in  a cold and deserted Santorini one winter was so exciting and impressionable. Though few cafes were opened and the island was deserted we had open uninterrupted view of every blue dome against the white washed settings in all their splendour whilst hiding from the chilly winter winds. We literally walked into the gardens and yards of shutted cottages and hotels to peep at the luxuries within and took long walks at night to reach the few good restaurants that were still opened. I doubt we could have a better experience during a hot and crowded Santorini summer.

To have a montage of beautiful life pictures in your mind, try for such peak memories.