Where we Belong

Was researching into how to build resilience when I came across an article by Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook who has to help her 2 young children manage the sudden death of her husband. She listed a few key points which include:

1) Mattering- showing that the kids matter
2) Attention
3) Appreciating that there is beautiful things despite the hurt
4) Talking about the past to develop a sense of belonging

The first 3 points are not unfamiliar to me. Whilst trying to show concern and care I have always tried to encourage the kids in the children's home to talk about what they love and enjoy. However the last point in the article helps clear my doubt as to whether to mention about their family who has kind of 'abandoned' them in the home. When I ask about their family they normally give me very curt replies. I was not sure whether drawing them to discuss their family will make them feel the pain deeper. However I now I understand the importance of point 4. Sheryl consulted a friend who is a professor in psychology and he stresses the importance of talking about the past so that the child feels connected to something larger than themselves. That is the sense of belonging.

Reflecting on my sandplay sessions with the kids I now develop further insight into why even though some children have stayed in the children's home for years, in their play they consistently build a family scene with daddy and mummy feeding the children and bringing them shopping. I used to think that is a sign of their desire to be nurtured. Now I know there is also the need to belong. From now on I shall be bold to lead them to discuss about their family and their past to remind them that they do belong to a family, something larger than themselves.

Holding

Holding the client takes on a new experience for me last week at a sandplay session.
A 15 year old boy suspected of being an Asperger and from a single parent family is facing great difficulties in school. Being of mixed blood makes things more challenging. He gets endless teasing from classmates and bottles the anger all within.

His sand stories are all about fierce battles where the enemies are decimated. The final scene is always a carnage with overturned tanks, scattered skeletons and dead bodies on every inch of the tray. At the last session he shared that school was hell. At one point after tossing enough dead bodies into the enemy side of the tray he suddenly paused and viewed the tray in silence for a long while. As a facilitator I usually seat myself next to him providing an emotionally safe space for him to express his feelings. When he paused and stared at the tray in silence, I did the same. The carnage in the tray evoked in me a mixed feeling of sadness and bitterness which I can feel in him. We stared at the tray in silence for quite awhile and I know now what it really means by the phrase "holding the client"; a conscious insight as well as an unconscious intuitive connection. In a holding environment the therapist needs to be empathetic, trustworthy and stable. This is what is referred as therapeutic rapport.

Only when therapeutic rapport is established would the client be open to the therapist's point of view of the issue. I find this most true among the children at the children's home too. Once the rapport is established the child takes in and remembers well what the therapist says. The importance of therapeutic relationship in counselling outcome is supported by studies and well mentioned in counselling literature.A study has shown 5 potential results arising from a therapeutic relationship. The results include "feeling cared for", "empowerment", "safety/security", "willingness to divulge" and "willingness to take risk (to change)".

没 办法.

Recently I sustained a slight shoulder injury which found me in a waiting room queuing for consultation with the sinseh. There I sat rubbing my upper arm lightly whilst grimacing in pain. Little did I know this behaviour was just the conversation starter a few elderly ladies were looking for. The lady sitting next to me enquired about my pain and I briefly told her I probably sprained my shoulder. That was sufficient for her to know about me. She then readily poured out her misery, not only about her knee cap problems but continued to share her financial problems. She bemoaned how she had to give up her job in the school canteen (even though she is in her 70s). At this juncture other elderly ladies had begun to comment and offered their own share of misery.  All I could offer was saying stupid things like 没 办法 and that little ailments were part of aging when one lady complained that almost every part of her body has problem. Of course I said it without much feeling or conviction and I was glad that very soon I was left out of that lively conversation.

That day the pain in my shoulder worsened progressively. I could not lift up my right arm nor move it forward the slightest. I felt like an invalid and had great difficulty bathing, dressing and had to depend on my left hand to feed and do the basic activities. It was tiring using the left hand to type or touch the screen. Without much movement for hours I felt lethargic and sleepy and for the first time reflected on what the ladies talked about in the morning. I guessed I understood their misery a bit more then. At night I could only lie flat or sleep on the left side. Shifting my position triggered excruciating pain and I needed my husband to throw the blanket over me. My sleep was light and intermittent. In between waking hours I wondered about the years to come, what kind of sickness or body afflictions I would encounter. It gave me the creeps to think of all pain that would probably be inevitable. Was I able to tell myself to accept with the light refrain  没 办法. 

I gained a lot of self awareness from this encounter. I realised I am  very ill prepared for any sudden illness or pain. Even the Buddhist teaching about not shooting the second arrow which I learnt in theory was not well digested. In this teaching when afflicted with either a physical pain or mind constraction one should avoid further self infliction with those "poor me" or "why me" attitude, all kinds of imagined fear and aversion towards the pain. To be fair I was trying hard to practise, trying to stop blaming myself for going to that stupid Thai massage in Johor. I guess it did help to a certain extent.

Going forward I need to learn hard to come to terms with whatever unpleasant experiences that may befall me and learn to manage instead of reacting. Instead of a fake 没 办法 what is needed is a genuine realization of the inevitability paralleled with active management techniques.

Fake it to make it

It is common knowledge that the mind has a huge impact on the body. Less mentioned is how the body affects the mind. That is the reason why the posture of the body is important in meditation practice. Even in sandplay therapy we first help the clients relax their bodies in order for them to be more in touch with their conscious and subconscious minds. Drugs like Vallium which is used to reduce anxieties in people is first and foremost a muscle relaxant.

It is now known that expansive poses like raised chins and open chests can help people  feel more powerful and in control and just sitting up straight increases self confidence. I know it works . When I was a primary school counsellor I helped a girl who skipped school because she was bullied by the boys in class. Of a quiet and timid nature it would be difficult for her to fight back with words. So I literally trained her to walk tall reminding her to raise her chin and push back her shoulders. I also trained her to stare straight into their eyes sternly. This is one case which I can confidently claim success.

Years ago I also attended a course in Holistic counselling which included a module on somatic therapy which focuses on connection with the body. It helps the clients by asking them to identify the part of the body which hurts when overwhelmed by a certain feeling. For example when a client has an anxiety issue, he or she is asked to take time to identify the part of the body that feels the anxiety most or where there is discomfort. Often he is asked to exaggerate the hurt before being guided to relax that part of the body. Sometimes visualisation is used to help relieve the pain. So for instance the client would be asked what image or sound in his imagination can soothe that part of the body. Visualisation of say a spiritual archetype or imagining the image/sound of nature touching the body can help alleviate the pain in the body and in turn helps the contracted mind to relax.

On one occasion when my heart was cringing with sadness I asked myself what would soothe it. In my imagination a large piece of leaf wrapped in herbs placed on my heart can heal it (idea from a show where the Egyptian nomads used on a burnt victim). I then visualise draping my heart with such. After awhile my heart beat and breathing slowed and my mind was quiet.  I fell asleep and awoke feeling much better.

They say if you fake it you make it. So "smile though you heart is aching"