Listening- Still much to learn

Attended a one week course in Buddhist Counselling. It was a very interesting course which can be the subject of another blog perhaps. This blog however describes the fun which we had on the last day when there was some role playing. There were so many funny episodes of struggling therapists but I just want to share one take away which is our inability to listen. To listen, really listen, we have to listen very carefully and intently, with an open mind and with a mind that is not clouded with perceptions and hastily formed conclusions.

The lecturer selected 5 real cases from his case files and got some participants to act as clients.Divided into groups, we were instructed by the lecturer to act as group therapists, gather information from each of the 5 clients, pick up the crux of the issue, discuss amongst ourselves and come out with the strategies to help the client. So one 'client' was an old lady who lost her husband 2 years ago. Of late she has been dreaming of her husband. Though she maintained she felt very happy seeing her husband in her sleep every night, she was clearly disturbed enough to seek help. It was gathered that the dreams started after she accidentally bumped into a man who looked like her husband.  Partly because the course participants are laymen (ie. non trained counselors) and partly because Singaporeans are tasked oriented, jumping into conclusions and eagerness to offer quick solutions were clearly evident. There was this guy in my group who in his earnestness to help jumped to the conclusion that the lady was feeling guilty about starting a new relationship. He then showered her with assurances that it was perfectly ok to strike a friendship with the man she met, to the chagrin of the 'client' who retorted but "I just accidentally bumped into him, I don't know his name and contact and least of all want to befriend him".

In yet another case the 'client' sought counseling because she was very disturbed, constantly admonishing herself for missing out on paying respect to one of the Buddha statues during a pilgrimage tour. From the facts gathered her husband was actually working overseas and she occupied herself by spending time with "a friend and some other friends". Here the lecturer had to help (because we seemed to be going nowhere) by dropping a clue to explore more about the ' a friend ' she had mentioned. When it dawned upon us that the client might be having an affair, some 'therapists' descended like a pack of police officers with their probing questions and investigating instincts, just short of directly asking "Did you do it?". In this particular case our group was initially getting nowhere because without the lecturer dropping hints, we actually thought the client was too attached to religious rituals. We kept harping on the pilgrimage without exploring the client's world in a larger context.

Of course it was unrealistic to find out the crux of the issue in such a short time which was not even the duration of one standard counselling session. However from how I react and also from my observation of how other participants behave (albeit non trained counsellors), I understand at a deeper level how important it is to listen with a clear mind. When listening, the mind must be open, free of perceptions, least of all moral judgement; and not clouded with assumptions. It can be reinforced with skillful asking, in short the art of communication. If this can be practiced in our daily life much misunderstanding can be avoided. I have much to learn.

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Incidentally about the role playing, here are some feedback from the role playing clients which I  thought useful to share when talking to people in distress:

- never say "I know how you feel, I have been through it"- comment was "you will never know how I feel"

-you don't have to offer quick solutions- comment was " it is irritating"

-never ask "what is your problem?"- comment was "I don't have a problem"