Mindfulness in multi tasking?

Whilst attending a course on Buddhist Counselling I asked the lecturer a question. His answer caused a stir amongst the participants who thought the lecturer mistook my question.

We were on the subject of mindfulness and its role in psychological well being; which then led on to the discussion of mind drifting and multi-tasking as a hindrance to mindfulness. He gave the example of people not noticing anything at all during a long bus journey and unaware of how they arrive at their destination. I then asked him whether it is alright if at the outset of the bus journey I have decided to make use of the time in the bus to plan my schedule for the following day, hence I won't be taking in the scenes. He said it is OK and passed me the mike to repeat my question for the benefit of the whole class because this was an often asked question. Some of my classmates were taken aback by his ok-ing it and asked what if I missed alighting at my destination; how can that be considered as mindfulness. His reply was that if at the outset my intention was to do some planning then missing the destination is of secondary importance and can always be remedied by taking another bus. It is not the same as being lost in 101 thoughts. On the contrary it is carried out on purpose. To be mindful is to be aware of what is going on right now. As long as I am aware I am planning and not spacing out I am being mindful.

I can see not all the participants are convinced. To be honest I myself was surprised because very so often we have been told multi-tasking is a no no for mindfulness. Yet I am really glad because I can only tolerate household chores when I am listening to podcast at the same time, gathering new info and learning. An imperfect household task is of secondary importance. To the critiques amongst my classmates who think that I may miss my destinated bus stop, my answer is that I will consciously allocate certain time to focus on my planning ensuring there will be sufficient time to refocus on my bus journey well before my destination.

From a broader perspective the lecturer's answer holds a lot of wisdom. If we develop the habit to be mindful of the purpose behind every moment we can then often be more cognizant of the big purpose in our life eliminating the frustrations from unmet secondary 'wants'.

Listening- Still much to learn

Attended a one week course in Buddhist Counselling. It was a very interesting course which can be the subject of another blog perhaps. This blog however describes the fun which we had on the last day when there was some role playing. There were so many funny episodes of struggling therapists but I just want to share one take away which is our inability to listen. To listen, really listen, we have to listen very carefully and intently, with an open mind and with a mind that is not clouded with perceptions and hastily formed conclusions.

The lecturer selected 5 real cases from his case files and got some participants to act as clients.Divided into groups, we were instructed by the lecturer to act as group therapists, gather information from each of the 5 clients, pick up the crux of the issue, discuss amongst ourselves and come out with the strategies to help the client. So one 'client' was an old lady who lost her husband 2 years ago. Of late she has been dreaming of her husband. Though she maintained she felt very happy seeing her husband in her sleep every night, she was clearly disturbed enough to seek help. It was gathered that the dreams started after she accidentally bumped into a man who looked like her husband.  Partly because the course participants are laymen (ie. non trained counselors) and partly because Singaporeans are tasked oriented, jumping into conclusions and eagerness to offer quick solutions were clearly evident. There was this guy in my group who in his earnestness to help jumped to the conclusion that the lady was feeling guilty about starting a new relationship. He then showered her with assurances that it was perfectly ok to strike a friendship with the man she met, to the chagrin of the 'client' who retorted but "I just accidentally bumped into him, I don't know his name and contact and least of all want to befriend him".

In yet another case the 'client' sought counseling because she was very disturbed, constantly admonishing herself for missing out on paying respect to one of the Buddha statues during a pilgrimage tour. From the facts gathered her husband was actually working overseas and she occupied herself by spending time with "a friend and some other friends". Here the lecturer had to help (because we seemed to be going nowhere) by dropping a clue to explore more about the ' a friend ' she had mentioned. When it dawned upon us that the client might be having an affair, some 'therapists' descended like a pack of police officers with their probing questions and investigating instincts, just short of directly asking "Did you do it?". In this particular case our group was initially getting nowhere because without the lecturer dropping hints, we actually thought the client was too attached to religious rituals. We kept harping on the pilgrimage without exploring the client's world in a larger context.

Of course it was unrealistic to find out the crux of the issue in such a short time which was not even the duration of one standard counselling session. However from how I react and also from my observation of how other participants behave (albeit non trained counsellors), I understand at a deeper level how important it is to listen with a clear mind. When listening, the mind must be open, free of perceptions, least of all moral judgement; and not clouded with assumptions. It can be reinforced with skillful asking, in short the art of communication. If this can be practiced in our daily life much misunderstanding can be avoided. I have much to learn.

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Incidentally about the role playing, here are some feedback from the role playing clients which I  thought useful to share when talking to people in distress:

- never say "I know how you feel, I have been through it"- comment was "you will never know how I feel"

-you don't have to offer quick solutions- comment was " it is irritating"

-never ask "what is your problem?"- comment was "I don't have a problem"

Heartwarming & Upsetting

Counselling has allowed me to gain insights into some private lives which in turn help me reflect much about life in general. It is not always fulfilling though and I encounter lots of 3-step-forward 2or3-step backward scenarios. A girl who was progressing well suddenly went MIA again throwing us in bewilderment and despair. You are forced to recognise how the system or environment is crucial and has to be conducive to support change. Never before does the concept of 'conditions precedent' be so relevant and real.

This vocation throws lots of surprises sometimes heartwarming sometimes upsetting. It is especially so with teenagers. Someone whom I thought has progressed and shown maturity in reasoning during our discussions and whom I was confident was on the right path suddenly threw a curve ball and went missing. On the other hand one who is of few words and whose sessions sometimes find each of us just sitting quietly together reading our own stuff, progresses well enough for her to be discharged from the girls' home. Yet she wants to meet me regularly and is prepared to make special trips to the Home to do so, the very Home she was dying to leave behind. I wasn't sure how I was of help.

A psychologist cum teacher once made a statement which I found quite apt in many situations. She said at the end of the day people don't want others "to fix" them, they just want your presence, someone who attends and "holds their vulnerability with tenderness".

What level of deception

If you join a package tour to China the itinerary will include visits to a silk store, a gem store, a tea shop and the Baoshu Tang Healthcare centre. The tour operator in China gets a commission from the shops when tour participants make purchases. The commission is then partially passed back to the consumers in the form of lower tour package prices. Not only is time wasted at these shops in place of spending more time at tourist attractions, a lot of cold selling also takes place. Fortunately nowadays tour agencies in Singapore have begun to offer tour packages at higher prices minus such visits.

Apart from cold selling, over-pricing and trickery are well known.   For example in a silk store when sales is slow or when the tour group shows little interest in the product, the prices are continuously slashed to make the offers attractive and one-for-one is not uncommon.

From my past experience visiting various parts of China, a usual 'business model' at gem stores is when the tour group is told of its unusual luck to have their visit coincide with that of the founder of the company. The so called founder or MD then drops in to shake hands and either claims business ties with Singapore's so-and-so or claims to be the son of some ex-general in Myanmar who has a large gemstone mine. Out of goodwill and wanting to establish friendship the 'MD' then slashes the prices of the gems on sale till he claims he just breaks even.

On a recent trip to Hainan there was a visit to a gem store as well. Only this time the story told was rather different that keeps me wondering at the level of deception if any. Ours was a small group of 10 people, seasoned travelers to China whom the tour guide would have noticed were not big spenders. At the gem store we were seated in a small room where tea as usual was served. A young  salesgirl in uniform occupied us with light bantering and jokes whilst awaiting the 'teacher' who will teach us to appreciate the value of true gemstones. After quite a while the 'teacher' entered and we were taken by surprise to see a pretty young girl dressed to the hilts, porcelain skin, manicured and decked with jeweleries. She appeared very nervous and tense and begged for our patience to hear her out and not drive her away. She mentioned about her brother and her father (referring to the owners of the store indirectly) challenging her to deliver a talk about gems and rewarding her with a few days' leave from work. She said she was perplexed why no other 'teachers' wanted to deliver the talk to our group forcing her to do so. She said judging from the carriers from a tea shop we were carrying
we probably had spent a lot of money at the tea shop already. She spoke some smattering of English and claimed to be a graduate from a university in Moscow. When asked why she went to Moscow for further studies she said she wanted to stay away from the control of her family. Whilst delivering a few tips on choosing pearls she really sounded very nervous and appeared very tense whilst kept on asking whether we understood her. I find it hard to believe she is acting for she seems so fragile, pampered and naive. In fact the tour group had to constantly assure her that she was doing fine. She then went to deliver tips on differentiating between fake and true jade which she claimed was her forte which thus accounted for her being less stressed and more confident. To cut a long story short she brought us to the shop after the talk and gave steep discounts for some pearl accessories, whilst assuring the salesgirls in attendance who either were really shocked or acted shocked that she would answer to her father. In any case those were really cheap stuff and some of us bought because they were the price of costume jeweleries in Singapore. Incidentally the salesgirls in attendance with their muted look did appear as if they didn't really respect her but feared her as the boss' daughter. All had that look and I find it hard to believe they are all staging an act. If so the whole team actually did well. The final act was when the 'boss daughter' again offered steep discounts for some jade pendants again telling the staff she would answer for it. When none of us were interested she sort of played the sympathy game telling us she needed to prove herself to her fathert  None of us bought, not because we didn't really believe her but we were really broke. Whilst on our way out I did notice she did look a bit disappointed staring aimlessly into an empty room, like not knowing how to 下台 infront of her staff.

Fake or real I ain't too sure even now. For a girl who spent some years in Moscow to escape from the family's clutches, her naivety and nervousness seemed out of place. Yet the silent disdain in all the staffs' faces seemed difficult to orchestrate. Certainly there is deception but at what level is a puzzle. Perhaps the Chinese have achieved yet another level of creativity in selling.