Be it a Titan or an Ordinary Man

2 deaths in a week.

My husband''s close friend passed away last Sunday. Though diagnosed with late stage cancer it was still quite a sudden passing. Then on Monday morning we woke up to the news of the passing of our country's founding father.

The friend was my husband's JC classmate and the clique of 6 friends has without fail an annual CNY gathering since school days which subsequently included their families.  At the final farewell at the crematorium the men dabbed their eyes and one broke down in loud sobs. Earlier on another friend had loaded the class photo on their What's App. During the wake there was much recalling of stories and anecdotes, often so funny that the group broke out in laughter. Seemingly inappropriate but really quite telling of what life really is "Ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows".

With the passing of Lee Kuan Yew, the media is flooded with tributes, accolades, historical moments as well as hundreds of personal stories and encounters. I joined the queue to pay my respect at Parliament House. I was a bit disappointed for not being able to catch a glimpse of his face and the filing past was over before I knew it. My greatest regret is not having seen him in person but I am grateful to be able to bow before him and say a heart felt "Thank You". It can never be repeated too often that without him we will never be what we are today, myself and every of my family inclusive. 
The media jolted our memory of all the crisis our country managed to ride over through his determination and grit though at times he seemed like a bulldozer.

And I wonder why upon every death the recalled events often seem more clear and make more sense.  Like the recounts of funny situations by my husband and his friends which weren't perceived as being so funny then or the often incomprehensible measures spearheaded by LKY which now regarded as remarkably wise. Perhaps it just boils down to the lack of awareness and wisdom of an ordinary man.

An account by Lee Wei Ling about the impact of her mother's illness on her father moved me deeply. She told of how her father grew more frail by the day as he watched his wife suffered. I can imagine his pain when her health deteriorated and was unable to respond to him. Below is an excerpt:

Now, in October 2008, Papa knew that if Mama survived she would never be able to walk independently. But he felt that so long as she knew she was an important part of his life, she would still find life worth living.
He told her: “We have been together for most of our lives. You cannot leave me alone now. I will make your life worth living in spite of your physical handicap.”
She replied: “That is a big promise.”
Papa said: “Have I ever let you down?”
- See more at: http://www.straitstimes.com/news/singapore/more-singapore-stories/story/remembering-lee-kuan-yew-daughter-lee-wei-ling-mr-lee-fa#sthash.3Koa3E1l.dpuf

"Now, in October 2008, Papa knew that if Mama survived she would never be able to walk independently. But he felt that so long as she knew she was an important part of his life, she would still find life worth living.

He told her: “We have been together for most of our lives. You cannot leave me alone now. I will make your life worth living in spite of your physical handicap.”

She replied: “That is a big promise.”

Papa said: “Have I ever let you down?”".......

 

"Mama deteriorated further after she returned home. Finally, she reached a stage when she could not even speak and seemed unaware of her surroundings. But she was always aware of Papa’s presence."

Now, in October 2008, Papa knew that if Mama survived she would never be able to walk independently. But he felt that so long as she knew she was an important part of his life, she would still find life worth living.
He told her: “We have been together for most of our lives. You cannot leave me alone now. I will make your life worth living in spite of your physical handicap.”
She replied: “That is a big promise.”
Papa said: “Have I ever let you down?”
- See more at: http://www.straitstimes.com/news/singapore/more-singapore-stories/story/remembering-lee-kuan-yew-daughter-lee-wei-ling-mr-lee-fa#sthash.3Koa3E1l.dpuf

I am again reminded of the "Ten thousand joys ad ten thousand sorrows" in everyone's life be it a Titan or an ordinary man. We just have to embrace them as best as we can,

No longer Funny

Came across a very funny but true to life joke. When a middle aged lady met her dentist during her first visit she found him rather familiar. She recalled he might be the guy whom she secretly had a crush on in high school. However she told herself the haggard and shrivelled old dude before her could never be the same guy she once admired. Yet her curiosity took hold of her and before she left she asked him whether he came from school X to which he affirmed. When she found out he graduated in the same year as she did, she exclaimed excitedly "You were you in my class!". The dentist frowned, screwed up his eyes and looking at the old hag intently asked "What subject did you teach?".

This is a situation I can relate to because it happens ever so often. Many times I come across people of my age whom I haven't seen for ages and I think to myself, "Oh my Gosh, how he/she has aged" without realising it is reciprocal. "Oh you look the same", this often used phrase must be one of the most common lies. I hear this a lot from people and I must say I am pleased even though I know it is deceiving. There were 2 occasions when I was presented the truth and I can tell you I wasn't happy. One remark was when I was still holding my corporate job. A bank associate whom I haven't met for awhile looked shocked when he saw me and remarked "You must be under a lot of stress these few years". Needless to say I didn't think much of the product he was pushing. On another occasion I approached an ex-colleague whom I have not met for awhile asking him whether he could still recognise me. He replied with all the politeness he could master "We have all aged". See, I can still remember these 2 remarks and the guys who delivered them whilst the many "You look the same" have lost their faces.

This aversion towards being old though prevalent in today's world needs some rethink. Just the other day I visited a bed ridden uncle in a step down hospital. A young Chinese National girl who was the junior nurse on duty was attending to the predominantly elderly patients in the ward. I noticed she has a very fair and beautiful complexion with porcelain skin. Whilst I was there I observed she had changed the diapers of 2 patients. The unpleasant odour emerging from behind the screens and the sight of her emerging with the soiled change in her gloved hands made me feel very uncomfortable. I went out to the corridors for a breather. The contrast between that pinnacle of youthful beauty attending to wasted flesh and bone somehow ruffled me. Upon reflection, I felt ashamed of my aversion and told myself I need to expose myself more to the aged and acclimatise myself to the conditions of aging. I together with my siblings and friends are on this journey which demands not only physical adjustments but loads of self acceptance .

I was reminded of a sad account by a daughter who never forgave herself for failing to put her elderly mum at ease when she came to stay and convalesce. She recounted one incident whilst walking her mum to the toilet, the mum just slided underneath her support bringing both of them on the floor. When her husband ran to the scene he found both women sobbing. With her knickers revealing, the old lady was crying her heart out with "I am so sorry, dear, I am so sorry" repeatedly.

We have to learn to accept indignity. Maybe we got to start with learning to put  the elderly at ease for being dependent. And of course even before that to refrain from the aversion towards aging. Trying to hide our age is no longer funny.

A Stand-in

I visit a Girls' home once a week to sort of mentor 3 girls. They have long lost interest in sandplay therapy which I was supposed to engage them with, so now I wear a muffled counselor cum mentor/nanny hat. The social workers are fine with whatever means I deem appropriate to keep the sessions going. With one particular 13 year old girl the way to maintain rapport is through listening to her kind of music. This particular girl (whom I shall call "My GIRL") is one of the few whom the home finds very challenging because of her boisterous and unrestrained behaviour.

Recently 2 residents of the home who seem older (maybe 16 or 17) and belonging to the well behaved group approached me. They asked me in a curious manner the reason of my weekly visit. I briefly described sandplay therapy to them. As our conversation progressed I realised their initial curiosity was really targeted at My GIRL. They asked me "So have you found out what's wrong with her?" I can sense from their snigger and remarks that they disdain My GIRL intensely. When I told them I am now trying to befriend her they remarked sarcastically "I pity you" and they did really give me that pathetic look before walking away.

I was taken aback how their remark did affect me. I have on several occasions questioned myself why I am spending time with My GIRL. You see I actually stumbled across her quite accidentally. The home had originally requested for me to have therapy just with my other 2 girls but on my first visit My GIRL saw me and insisted she was super keen on sandplay therapy. Sometimes in counselling you can really feel lousy when the client doesn't seem to have progressed an inch. Fortunately such times are balanced out with surprised progress of other clients. Otherwise it is a very draining vocation.

Then something happened which made me changed my mind about her. My GIRL is being assessed by a psychologist who instructed her to keep a journal about her thoughts, feelings and resultant behaviour. Yesterday she passed me her journal to read whilst she occupied herself with rapping and singing along with the music which I downloaded for her. I read pages after pages occasionally lifting my eyes to look at her swinging to the tempo of the music. I recalled the remarks made earlier by the 2 residents and can imagine how it may reflect the way many of the residents perceive My GIRL. I now know I am staring at a very lonely girl who feels so unloved beneath that loud and boisterous surface.

In the journal she longs and laments for her grandmother and I know now I may be the stand-in accidentally or not.

(Incidentally My GIRL writes exceptionally well)

Servitude

You can tell from their look, the Indonesian Chinese, even though they converse in Bahasa Indonesia. Many of them wear a tan and bear the mark of cross marriages. Those that appear at a destination with their chauffeur usually have an air like that of a lord with his carriage footman. Sometimes it is not the master's manners but the servant who bears that air of servitude that makes their relationship apparent.

My husband and I sauntered into a restaurant at Mundok, Bali for lunch It is a beautiful place with thick bamboo columns adorned with heavy wooden tables and chairs. One dines whilst looking at the mountain ranges in the near distance. As we went in well past lunch time there were only 2 Caucasian girls who also left shortly. Presently one guy whom I presumed to be an Indonesian Chinese entered with his driver. He ordered his food after looking at the menu whilst his driver sat at the other end of the same long table. I was surprised that the waiter later brought in 2 sets of food. It appeared that the guy had ordered food for his driver without consulting him. A while later a tall and hot blonde haired girl walked in and sat at a table next to the guy's. The guy struck a conversation and eventually moved over to eat at her table. I observed the driver all this while. He remained seated at the same place after his meal, impassively staring into space or probably day dreaming whilst the master continued to flirt.

When an Indonesian Chinese family vacations in Bali at say a big hotel, you see an entourage with maids in tow carrying the babies and minding the toddlers. Others who owned villas probably bring along their male servants, who knows. There is something in their mannerism towards their indigenous Indonesian servants that reminds one of feudal serfdom of the past. I don't think they ill treat their servants but there seems to be a condescending attitude in their behaviour towards them. Perhaps it is a reflection of the roles in their society; whilst the Chinese drives the economy the indigenous people makes up the workforce. So much such that even the drivers whom we engage to drive us around during our many stays in Bali usually have that submissive mannerism.

On one occasion during our recent Bali trip I observed how one young China National couple was almost exasperated with their driver who refused to order from the menu when they stopped over for lunch. In the end the woman ordered some set meal for the driver and I could hear her repeatedly telling him "Eat, Eat" almost as an instruction in her high pitched Chinese ascent. I myself was disappointed when after attending a lesson on Balinese cooking at a local home, the chef and her husband (who was our trekking guide the day before) refused to sit down with us to eat the meal which we all cooked together.

Have years of colonial serfdom been replaced by bondage to those with means to buy one's labour?