Mystics in the Air

At night I sat in pitch darkness except for the faint light from a far away hut and the dimmmed room light behind me.The crescent moon watched  fanned by coconut palms. The sound of the running stream and croaking frogs assured me of the surroundings as I knew them in daylight. I enjoyed some peace but not for long.

Awhile later I felt as if there was something more to this span of dark padi field and the myriad of creatures hiding in its midst. There seemed to be something hanging over it, breathing  ever so softly. I was a little afraid but not as in a panic. I decided i did not want to know or venture to find out, nor to feel it or understand it. "For the unknwn is best left unknown," I reckoned. I went back into my room turned on the lamp and settled for a book.

It is already bright at 6 in the morning in Bali. The mystic mist over the fields which I perceived the night before had vanished. I watched instead with interest the flock of ducks spluttering in and out through the  rice crops and the little birds that fluttered swiftly like bees over the field.

I am a person who is comforta ble only in what I know or am familiar, even of Myself. When fear is not overcome there is no break through where true self is finally embraced.

Is the unknown really best left unknown?

Self Discoveries during CNY

Now that CNY visiting is over it is peace and quiet again with time for reflection. I must say meeting up with friends and relatives and listening to their opinion do nudge you to take a fresh look at your lifestyle and needs.

First of all there was my well meaning sister-in-law who has a brood of crawling grandchildren telling my daughter she must act quickly and not disappoint her mother (ie. me) who is drooling all over for grandchildren. This is despite my unmarried daughter having yet to declare that she has a boyfriend. Perhaps my sis-in-law has observed how I enjoyed playing with her grand kids and gauged my instinctive needs. In her mind I Need grand children to have fulfillment in MY life. In actual fact I have been thinking very hard these couple of years how to actualise myself with other pursuits knowing I would not be spending time looking after grand kids any time soon, since my own children are at best the late marrying type. Now the question is whether marriage is the best path for for a happy life which as a responsible parent I should seriously point out or remind my kids.

Then there is this friendly mahjong session with my own siblings where between gaps of waiting for the cards to be thrown conversations and gossips flow. That's when I ruffled my brother's feather for calling him a gossiper and asking him to put a stop to idle talk. (I was on a losing streak and was a bit peeved already). He retaliated by calling me judgmental and a control freak. Gosh come to think about it he certainly did hit the nail on the head. Upon deeper self reflection I realise I do like to be in control as much as possible to feel safe and secure. Hmmm... why didn't any one actually tell me straight in the face until now.

Another level of discovery was when we paid my husband's friend a visit. There was a display of utmost hospitality by his excellent cook cum house proud "Stepford Wife". Haha  I'm sure you can sense the jealous undertone here but you must really take your hats off for the mistress of this beautiful home wherein every single item is to be marveled at, inclusive of each decorative item in the toilet. I wonder where in this home is that stack of old newpaper/magazine/mail or homeless sandal or plastic bags with all kinds of knick-knacks left carelessly lying around which are all over the place in mine. When I returned home to see stacks of hoarded stuff piled up in attempted neatness I also realized my anger with my husband and children for the mess they often create is really just a projection. That is because a lot of the stuff actually belongs to me and the frustration lies in my inability to be neat. That is the real reason why I am jealous of the Stepford Wife.

On a more serious note, it's a time when you can witness all kinds of attachment people hold on to and your own vulnerability to follow their grasping.

CNY angst

Honestly I feel a bit guilty writing this blog when I should be busy with Chinese New Year spring cleaning or out there milling with the crowd buying CNY 'necessities'. After all we only have 2 weekends to complete the 'chores'. Somehow I still couldn't bring myself to clean yet another cabinet or furniture or the fridge or wash another curtain or table cloth or throw another piece of junk. I prefer to write my blog  though at the back of my mind I know I must at least clean the open shelves in the living area or the visible parts of an opened fridge to avoid any guests having some bad impression of me as a lazy housewife. Already I am not capable of frantically baking cookies or making lanterns out of red packets.

Nevertheless I have already figured out the minimum work necessary. Though this year is our turn to host the over-30-year customary pot luck dinner amongst my husband's circle of close friends and their families, I have thought through on how to make the job easier with disposal plates, easy to cook soup and dishes. I am not too worried as I used to be ensuring there is sufficient food on the table. I have stocked up some famous Muar otak and will stand by some other finger food just in case the other wives failed me. At the end of the day I am too old to care what impression people may walk away with.

Recently I heard 2 youngsters shared how they dread CNY. This made me recalled how I felt the same in my teenage and early adult years when attending the big extended family gathering at my grandma's house. The family consisted of well over 40 people at that time. As a teenager I would be scolded if an aunt failed to hear my greetings. As an unattached adult I would suffer the embarrassment of having to repeat to every aunt that I still did not have a boyfriend and as a married woman I had to give reasons why I was either not yet expecting or decided not to have more children. And even now when I visit some old aunt who enquires about the age of my adult kids and their marital status I have to brush it off or explain to her that such things are beyond my control and is best for me to 不管 (not care). I guess that's the function of a community, to discourage deviation from normalcy in order to ensure continuity.

Having experienced many of such embarrassing moments myself I now refrain from probing into the private life of my younger relatives. Conformist or non conformist it is good that they bother to turn up and have not boarded the first flight out of town during the CNY.