Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Who holds our destiny?


Perhaps it is an overdose of TV soap opera or the eerily close relatedness to a fiction I am reading or perhaps the newspapers are carrying past year reviews which brings about a reflective year end mood. It keeps me thinking about how decisions and their resulting actions can be so life changing. It is quite scary to imagine that life would be quite different if you have gone to school A instead of school B or that you have chosen this discipline instead of that or that you have joined this company instead of that or that you have remained single instead of being married  or that you have 3 children instead of 2 . It makes me wonder whether we actually shape our life literally by each decision we make (carefully or carelessly) thereby writing a life story which could easily have been  a very different one as well. On the other hand  it could be the hand of  Destiny which actually creates circumstances that make us choose certain paths in life thereby playing out the destined life. Could that be why some have relatively smooth lives whilst others struggle throughout?


Do we listen to Shakespear's "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves" or John Lennon's "There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be..."

To me both hold truths. The family we were born into, the conditioning throughout the years, our body constitution coupled with certain karmic inheritance (if we believe in it)  play a significant role in where we are and what we are now. However the good news is we can choose how we want to react in each situation. Thinking through the potential consequences we then go on to make decisions in our best judgement and with good intention. Should the outcome disappoint or  fall short of expectation despite many trials, we must then summon whatever inner wisdom possible to decide how to react. When we watch a drama or read a novel it can be quite startling how characters chose to react in manners so detrimental to their well being. If only we can be as clear when living our own story. 

So on this new year's eve, I will resolve to remember Viktor Frankl's famous quote: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."




Thursday, December 26, 2013

What they may like and may not yet have?


It is a tradition in my family of origin to have a gathering around Xmas, right from the time when my parents were around and when none of us were Christians until today when 3 out of my 5 siblings are. Used to be, presents were bought for my parents and the children. Now, we only get presents for the children's children, and what a headache it is.

I browse around the toy departments of big stores and find it hard to hit something which my grand-nieces/nephew may like and may not yet have. Setting a budget of around S$25 per item proves to be really constraining. So a small Playmobil set may be interesting but recalling a picture on facebook showing my grandnephew sprawling on the floor amidst what looks like a complete array of vehicles and helmet-wearing figures in a complete "Men at work" set, made me replace the toy on the shelve.

How about a book for my grandniece going to K2 next year? Surely one with glossy colourful pictures should be delightful. Then again, I always wonder what her tablet consists. Or is it Kindle she already possess which probably fulfills her reading needs right up to JC ?. Oh but don't I love those pop-up books which were so costly that I never got to buy any for my own children when they were toddlers. Come to think of it some of the things I bought for my kids when they were growing up were actually things I missed and would love to have if I was young again. So I must never fall into this mistake again but of course things available today don't even exist in our wildest imagination then.

Maybe just being practical and buying some stationery sets may solve the headache. Now the problem arises deciding which brand they want, is it Hello Kitty or Angry Bird etc etc? Again I had to forgo this idea after recalling one incident. My daughter was once invited to a birthday party of some rich primary school classmate. Again at a loss of ideas and falling into the "what I wanted as a child" trap I helped her buy the biggest set of Faber Castell colour pencils available. My daughter reported it was the present the birthday girl gave the least "glance' time.

OK the final straw came when my niece who just gave birth to a baby girl posted on her facebook a picture of the baby next to the iconic Tiffany box and the comment "...'s first Tiffany" (from daddy).

Out of impulse I commented "Level of satisfaction correlates with degree of 'want'. Let her have the chance to enjoy 'Tiffany' when she is older".


Thursday, December 19, 2013

Avoiding the Stops and Starts


French philosopher Descartes' famous quote "I think therefore I am" may now be pushed aside by facebook to " I share therefore I am". (Today's ST Opinion page has an interesting article entitled "Living a Life of Stops and Starts"). In it the writer describes how his friend, a famous actor was often approached by passers by to have a photo taken with him so that they could share on their facebook. The actor offered instead a short chit chat instead of a photo whereby these people can discuss what they like or dislike about his show. Though taken by surprise very few walked away happy. They just wanted a photo with him because as the writer concluded "to have" or "to possess" (the photo) is necessary in order to "share". People need "documentation" first and "experience" later.

I really like the way the writer describes how with technology we are now "putting ourselves and those around us on pause in order to document our lives". Why "Stops and Starts"? Well, every so often in the midst of doing something the phone alerts you to a message or email and habits have it that you need to steal a look., hence the stop. Then you got to restart or resume. Needless to say, the writer quoted Obama's selfie as an example.

O course I am also one such culprit. At times when trying to capture a special moment there arises a quick dilemma in my mind whether to just experience it (before it lapses) instead of possessing it on a flat screen. When I attended my son's convocation we were seated at a vantage point where I could capture the scroll receiving handshake. However in my great desire to possess the picture and anxiousness not to miss it, I only saw this through the small pinhole of my iphone! From the photo I will never be able to get the feel again, sigh...

I am quite certain all parents feel the frustrations of their children texting and fixated on their devices  at meal time or during conversations. Oh but now even baby boomer are equally fixated. So it is not uncommon to see baby boomer grandparents with their children and grandchildren at a restaurant communicating with their ipads (for the toddler) and iphones etc for the rest. Perhaps only the presence of a 80 year old mama or ah gong can bring back some sanity and communication into the dining table.

The article however ended with an optimistic note about a rising trend where teenagers feeling the shortcomings of technology now begin to demand real conversation with their parents. It quoted an example of a 14 yr old teenager telling her "device-smitten" dad, "Dad, stop Googling. I don't care about the right answer. I want to talk to you.".

I guess for a start we have to set good examples for our children.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Those Unlabelled


Susan Boyle, the singer who shot to fame in the TV show Britain's Got Talent announced that she has Asperger ( a condition where the sufferer lacks the ability to pick up social cues thus making social interaction a challenge). She describes how her condition has subjected her to a lot of bullying in her childhood. She hopes that "people will treat me better because they will have a much greater understanding of who I am and why I do the things I do." This was apparently after she almost suffered a breakdown because of the worldwide attention she had drawn.

Now most people have character traits that are peculiar to themselves, some of which if less socially acceptable and out of the behavioural norm will be labelled by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder in a guide called the DSM.  Asperger is often described as a high functioning form of Autism.  However if you think about it many people may have semblances of behavioural traits similar to those labelled as disorders in the DSM. It is just a matter of the extent ie. ranging from slight traces to strong "symptoms".

What keeps me thinking is Susan Boyle's hope that people will treat her better now that they understand she has Asperger. So why do people become more empathetic towards a person if they know he (or she)  is suffering from a labelled mental disorder. Does another person who just misses the diagnostic criteria of the DSM by a small margin and hence is unlabelled deserves less sympathy? Do we therefore have to be understanding irrespective and how do we develop this kind of empathy universally?

Maybe we have to fall back on what makes a person, his body constitution and DNA, his past and present conditioning, memories and experiences that give rise to his perception, thinking as well as develop his habitual energy (习气). 

In the children's home where I do sandplay therapy there is a pair of sisters whose age gap is about a year. Although both have similar experiences from a dysfunctional home, the older one is more matured and caring whilst the younger one is rebellious and described as self centred. Hence the younger child is not well liked and this reinforces her hostility and needs for attention. (Honestly, it is quite challenging not to dislike her). One wonders why she is so different from her sister. However as mentioned in the previous paragraph, if one will to ponder about her being a middle child, her being always a shadow of her sisters (the pair has an elder sister being put up in another centre and 4 younger siblings as well), her being a bit dyslexic, her temperament being perhaps less suitable for institutional living, one can cultivate greater sense of empathy. Of late I was told even the elder sister has started to act out, probably because mum is bringing their eldest sister (the firstborn) from the woman's shelter to live with her whilst the remaining kids stay put at the children's home. This goes to show how changing circumstances continuously change experiences shaping new feelings and perceptions.

Of course such empathy should also be cultivated right from home. So if my husband refuses to dispose of unwanted items and  make our garden almost like a jungle, I think about how our garden may resemble the farm in his happy childhood kampong days. Thus I am learning to turn my attention away from the undergrowth and focus on the young mangoes starting to sprout on the mango tree.