In today's Life Sumiko wrote an article about how pets can stand in for children to foster closer relationship between husband and wife. She described how she and her partner found joy relating little tricks and pranks that each of their pet dog was up to. In fact it is now common for young couples to substitute pets for children since pets provide just as much joy with less stress and commitment perhaps.
In Buddhist class the discussion was about the sufferings that attachment and the clinging on to things can bring about including relationships. I asked the teacher doesn't love equates attachment. Does it then mean to be less attached one must love less. This sparked off a spirited discussion including the animated opinion of one classmate whose pet dog has just passed away. The group consensus was if one loves unconditionally without expectations one will not suffer. So if you care for someone and does things to promote his or her happiness but were not appreciated and reciprocated, you will not feel hurt. A heavily pregnant woman once asked a religious teacher a question. She told the teacher she was about to give birth to a child whom the doctor prescribed would not live long after birth. She asked what she needed to do to support the child. The teacher told her she must first not resent the child for not fulfilling her expectations for it. The child was born with its own purpose and not according to her wishes and not to fulfill her expectations for it. The teacher then went on to discuss how very often we load onto our children expectations that serve to fulfill our need to feel that we have been good/successful parents and that it is worthwhile to have them.
Perhaps that is why some people find loving a pet less taxing than loving a child. A child comes with a string of associated expectations which arise from the feeling that it is an extension of oneself. Giving unconditional love to a pet comes easier. So if my cat Miao2 is getting fat and lethargic and watches with one eye half opened a lizard dashing across the floor, I just give her a nudge and reproached her idleness in jest.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
The Balinese Door
Yesterday I heard over podcast an interview with Kofi Annan. When asked how he juggled his life between family and his job as UN Secretary-General, he talked about trying his best practice to work hard for the "larger world" on week days and keeping weekends for his "smaller world". His "smaller world" which includes his wife and family provided the support which was so crucial especially at times when the UN effort seemed so fruitless in some countries' political strifes and killings. His mention of the 2 worlds prompted my recollection of images of the Bali doors. These Balinese are so clever in trying to build ambiences and atmosphere which facilitate and nurture the connection to one's inner world.
Apparently the wall is called "aling-aling" and its traditional goal is really to stop demons from entering the house. If you think about it, from a psychological and mental point of view isn't that also relevant to us. I mean it will be good to have a wall to stop demonic thoughts from raking our minds, the common ones being desire, fear, doubt and anger. Both Gautama Buddha and Jesus Christ had to overcome such thoughts and emotions (often termed as temptations) before being freed from their fetters and achieving enlightenment. As we straddle between our outer and inner worlds we have to leave the door opened to things happening outside; but at the same time we need a wall to filter non beneficial or unskillful ideas and emotions so that the serenity in our inner courtyard can be maintained always to welcome us home.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Seeds from past and for future
When I first arrived in Singapore more than 30 years ago, I put up at my aunt's place at Selegie Rd. I attended a secondary school at Toa Payoh and commuted to and fro by bus which took more than an hour. The bus route covered a stretch of Bartley Road where the Ramakrishna Temple stood on a small hill. ( I found out it was a temple only recently) It looked more like a villa to me. I remember often wondering from afar who this "villa" housed and what its interior looked like whenever the bus passed by it.
Two weeks ago after a meeting at MCYS, accompanied by its supervisor I dropped in at the Ramakrishna Mission Boy's Home to see one of my clients, a P 6 student who stays there. He is there because his home environment is not conducive for his upbringing. The boy was surprised, a bit shy but delighted to see me. He was having his weekly Science tuition given by an Indian lady who is a volunteer. My unexpected visit cut short his tuition session. The supervisor asked him to show me around the home and the temple and the tutor joined in as she had not been inside the prayer hall of the temple, which is just next to the home. The premise is on sprawling high grounds and the surroundings is quiet and serene.
After showing us the various rooms in the home the boy brought us to view the garden patches at the side and back of the home. At the side there are several rectangular plots for the planting of herbs, each plot the responsibility of a small group of boys to nurture. We then crossed over to the temple (the villa in my memory). The lower hall was adorned with photographs of Ramakrishna and his disciples. Me and the tutor chattered excitedly and rather loudly because there was no one in the hall. The boy then whispered to us to speak softly because the holy ones (in the pictures) are meditating. Like naughty girls caught misbehaving we apologized. On each side of the hall there was a staircase. The boy told us that he will take the staircase on the left which is meant for the men and we ladies have to take the other staircase meant for the women. I followed his instructions not knowing what to expect on the upper floor. I imagined we would find ourselves in a separate prayer room meant for ladies. Instead the staircase led us to a big open hall on the second floor and our young guide was there waiting for us with a quiet confident smile. I don't know why but I felt so happy to see him, almost like a child meeting a parent. Throughout the visit I have noticed my student behaved very differently from the way he does in school. In school he is treated like an irritant by teachers and a clown by his classmates. But here he was like a knowledgeable tour guide leaving out no details introducing the statue of Ramakrishna as well as people in the framed picture on the wall. He hit the gong softly to show us the start of a prayer routine as well as the bells used during prayers. I grasped onto his words with a feeling of awe. He urged me to take some of the literature displayed on a side table, showed me one which listed upcoming events and encouraged me to attend one of these prayer sessions. "But this is not my religion" I whispered softly in reply. He told me all believers are welcomed and mentioned that they believe in the Bible too. I just smiled not making sense of what he told me; but I did pick up 2 little booklets to get a better understanding of this faith. Whilst taking the staircase down a phrase from the Bible popped up in my mind "and a child will lead them".
As I stood at the temple corridors looking down on the surrounding Bartley area I reflected that it took me 3 decades to be inside the "villa" which I had wondered from afar. The seed of "awe" which was planted in my mind more than 30 ago has now ripened and enriched my visit, giving it a sense of bewilderment. A week before this visit I had submitted notice to the school about my intention to quit next year. I have been with the school for almost 4 years and need to move on, though I don't know what I will embark on next. I have been tossing ideas in my mind about the various options, volunteering here, volunteering there, maybe some part time employment, maybe focusing on acquiring religious knowledge or maybe even focusing on investing money.
As I bade farewell to the boy, the Home and my "Villa", a feeling of warmth came over me and I felt another seed has been planted in my mind. Somehow I have a feeling this seed may possibly give me some directions in time to come.
(Incidentally Ramakrishna is perhaps one of the best known saints of nineteenth century India. He had a universal approach to religion believing the validity of different religious paths. Amongst his teachings was the belief that all religions including Christianity and Islam lead to God).
Now I know where the boy is coming from.
Two weeks ago after a meeting at MCYS, accompanied by its supervisor I dropped in at the Ramakrishna Mission Boy's Home to see one of my clients, a P 6 student who stays there. He is there because his home environment is not conducive for his upbringing. The boy was surprised, a bit shy but delighted to see me. He was having his weekly Science tuition given by an Indian lady who is a volunteer. My unexpected visit cut short his tuition session. The supervisor asked him to show me around the home and the temple and the tutor joined in as she had not been inside the prayer hall of the temple, which is just next to the home. The premise is on sprawling high grounds and the surroundings is quiet and serene.
After showing us the various rooms in the home the boy brought us to view the garden patches at the side and back of the home. At the side there are several rectangular plots for the planting of herbs, each plot the responsibility of a small group of boys to nurture. We then crossed over to the temple (the villa in my memory). The lower hall was adorned with photographs of Ramakrishna and his disciples. Me and the tutor chattered excitedly and rather loudly because there was no one in the hall. The boy then whispered to us to speak softly because the holy ones (in the pictures) are meditating. Like naughty girls caught misbehaving we apologized. On each side of the hall there was a staircase. The boy told us that he will take the staircase on the left which is meant for the men and we ladies have to take the other staircase meant for the women. I followed his instructions not knowing what to expect on the upper floor. I imagined we would find ourselves in a separate prayer room meant for ladies. Instead the staircase led us to a big open hall on the second floor and our young guide was there waiting for us with a quiet confident smile. I don't know why but I felt so happy to see him, almost like a child meeting a parent. Throughout the visit I have noticed my student behaved very differently from the way he does in school. In school he is treated like an irritant by teachers and a clown by his classmates. But here he was like a knowledgeable tour guide leaving out no details introducing the statue of Ramakrishna as well as people in the framed picture on the wall. He hit the gong softly to show us the start of a prayer routine as well as the bells used during prayers. I grasped onto his words with a feeling of awe. He urged me to take some of the literature displayed on a side table, showed me one which listed upcoming events and encouraged me to attend one of these prayer sessions. "But this is not my religion" I whispered softly in reply. He told me all believers are welcomed and mentioned that they believe in the Bible too. I just smiled not making sense of what he told me; but I did pick up 2 little booklets to get a better understanding of this faith. Whilst taking the staircase down a phrase from the Bible popped up in my mind "and a child will lead them".
As I stood at the temple corridors looking down on the surrounding Bartley area I reflected that it took me 3 decades to be inside the "villa" which I had wondered from afar. The seed of "awe" which was planted in my mind more than 30 ago has now ripened and enriched my visit, giving it a sense of bewilderment. A week before this visit I had submitted notice to the school about my intention to quit next year. I have been with the school for almost 4 years and need to move on, though I don't know what I will embark on next. I have been tossing ideas in my mind about the various options, volunteering here, volunteering there, maybe some part time employment, maybe focusing on acquiring religious knowledge or maybe even focusing on investing money.
As I bade farewell to the boy, the Home and my "Villa", a feeling of warmth came over me and I felt another seed has been planted in my mind. Somehow I have a feeling this seed may possibly give me some directions in time to come.
(Incidentally Ramakrishna is perhaps one of the best known saints of nineteenth century India. He had a universal approach to religion believing the validity of different religious paths. Amongst his teachings was the belief that all religions including Christianity and Islam lead to God).
Now I know where the boy is coming from.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Gossipping Men
My husband told me that at the men's toilet in the country club, the regulars (mainly middle aged men and retirees who go for their daily evening swim) are recently engaging in very animated discussions about the sex scandal involving the Narcotics Bureau chief. Apparently a common opinion amongst them was that the married lady involved was more desirable than the underage girl who brought disgrace to many men in yet another recent sex scandal. I found this so unbecoming but won't be surprised he (husband) partook in such idle talk.
My belief that men are real gossipers is reinforced when I read Richard Lim's article today in the Life Section. His article is about how he lives alone and mentions that he occasionally meets up with colleagues at the kopitiam opposite their office. They don't talk about the good old times but "pontificate passionately on politics and current affairs, such as Cecilia Sue and what MU and SP mean". If you don't know what these educated men of ink are referring to, you were probably able to resist the temptation of reading the detailed report on the case; including the dialogue which took place in the court room. It was just too juicy to ignore and the papers provided the sensation of reading pornographic literature without feeling guilty. Well "SP" appeared in one of the couple's erotic text messages and these men are guessing what it stands for.
Earlier on I have heard over podcast a religious teacher suggesting a method for people to avoid sexual temptation by seeing beneath the skin of the person they are attracted to. This does not mean metaphorically gauging the person's character and traits etc. Instead he literally meant seeing beneath the skin ie. to think what the person is like without the skin surface ie. the person in totality including the skull, the eye socket, the brain matter, the heart, liver, stomach, big intestines etc. So when those long smooth legs look attractive, one must also look at the muscles and the veins with blood running through them as well. I thought this may be an useful tool to pass on to my husband. In fact maybe the judge being constantly bombarded with a deluge of sensuous details should also be equipped with this tool as well. He after all is also a man although being a judge is probably less "superficial" than most other men.
My belief that men are real gossipers is reinforced when I read Richard Lim's article today in the Life Section. His article is about how he lives alone and mentions that he occasionally meets up with colleagues at the kopitiam opposite their office. They don't talk about the good old times but "pontificate passionately on politics and current affairs, such as Cecilia Sue and what MU and SP mean". If you don't know what these educated men of ink are referring to, you were probably able to resist the temptation of reading the detailed report on the case; including the dialogue which took place in the court room. It was just too juicy to ignore and the papers provided the sensation of reading pornographic literature without feeling guilty. Well "SP" appeared in one of the couple's erotic text messages and these men are guessing what it stands for.
Earlier on I have heard over podcast a religious teacher suggesting a method for people to avoid sexual temptation by seeing beneath the skin of the person they are attracted to. This does not mean metaphorically gauging the person's character and traits etc. Instead he literally meant seeing beneath the skin ie. to think what the person is like without the skin surface ie. the person in totality including the skull, the eye socket, the brain matter, the heart, liver, stomach, big intestines etc. So when those long smooth legs look attractive, one must also look at the muscles and the veins with blood running through them as well. I thought this may be an useful tool to pass on to my husband. In fact maybe the judge being constantly bombarded with a deluge of sensuous details should also be equipped with this tool as well. He after all is also a man although being a judge is probably less "superficial" than most other men.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Face the Cold Shoulder
I attend taiji class every Sunday at a club. 2 weeks ago I noticed there was a new class for beginners which runs concurrently with ours. From afar I spotted from amongst the new students an ex ex colleague. Well there are some people in your life who put you in a quandary as to how to behave when meeting them. After class as usual I lingered awhile to chat with my classmates. Along came this guy with his wife whom I have also met before. My reflex response was to acknowledge them with a smile when they neared me. The wife smiled back perhaps not so much in recognition but as any fellow classmate would. This guy however looked straight ahead, his gaze as if transfixed at an object far away. I was a bit put off.
On the way home I kept musing over whether he actually saw me and if so why was he ignoring me. Unless he has impaired side vision it was quite impossible not to have seen me when he walked within 2 feet of me. If he had seen me but chose to ignore me; was it because I carry insignificant network value or could it be he was still angry over some friction at work ages ago.
Yesterday I was again at a dilemma after taiji class. I was engaged in a conversation with my own classmates when I saw him walking my way with his wife. I thought to myself I should just pretend not to see them. However I also thought how dreadful it would be pretending not to see each other week after week. So I turned around, smiled and tried hard to catch his eyes. I think I made it quite difficult not to be acknowledged. He broke into a broad smile whilst we exchanged greetings and brief casual talk. There you go, from now on just a casual 'hi" will be sufficient when we do meet again. However because his smile was so broad I was again wondering on my way home whether I read him wrongly.
Very so often we try our best to avoid unpleasant experiences or deemed unpleasant experiences. In most cases the building up of negative thoughts, worries or dreadful anticipations are more difficult to bear than the actual experience itself. I recalled once I dreaded having to stand in for my boss to accompany some company directors to attend at meeting at a subsidiary in Seoul. I tried to find all kinds of excuses to avoid the trip. It turned out however to be an interesting trip and at dinner I learned quite a fair bit about the business world just listening to their conversation. Actually facing a difficult situation straight in the face also provides an opportunity for self awareness, correcting false beliefs and analyzing mistaken self concepts. This is on top of mastering a better understanding of the situation and the people involved as well. In addition facing up to an unpleasant experience also builds self confidence in that you know you will be able to live through the pain should another of such arises.
So being shown the cold shoulder is no big deal after all especially when you know a persistent smile can melt its coldness.
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