3 Takeaways

3 things occupy my mind this morning which I want to register.

1) Read an interesting article about Elizabeth Blackburn (Nobel laureate)'s research on 'telomere' which is the protective cap at the end of chromosomes in cells. As a sucker for symbols and metaphors I really like her description of telomere as the plastic tip of a shoelace that prevents the lace from fraying. So the telomere wears off as we age and its shrinking is a 'precursor of what can become cell disorder". The good and bad news is that behavioral and lifestyle factors can alleviate or accelerate the shortening of the telomere. As you would have guessed research has shown that exercise and good diet help in the former whilst stress (including stressed relationship), excess body mass, unhealthy diet contribute to the later. So the great news in her words is telomeres "can go back up too, in normal cells" to "prolong our healthspan" (note her use of word healthspan and not lifespan).

2) Read a most touching letter in the ST  written by Deepika Shetty expressing her thoughts and feelings with regards to the 23 year old rape victim in India who is now under treatment in Mt Elizabeth hospital in Singapore. This knocks me off my usual disgrunt with our country's continuous pursuit of economic excellence whilst sidetracking progress on social values. It stirs my sense of gratefulness and really makes me feel how blessed women are to be born in Singapore. We are given all the freedom in every aspect  so much that we have taken it for granted and so often bark readily at the 'shortcomings' of our male counterparts.

3) My takeaway from discussions in yesterday's Buddhist class is the need for "Wisdom and Compassion" to live life skillfully. 'Wisdom' for me is to be mindful (of body, feelings, thoughts and the conditions arising); and 'Compassion' if cultivated will help to reduce aversions, stress and unhappiness.

And oh I was amazed at how I unabashedly enjoyed the water slides at Lotus Desaru resort 2 days ago. What FUN!!!  I will go back again, queuing with the kids on top of the slides,over and over again.

365 ways to cook eggs

Was emptying my book shelves when I came across a book entitled "365 ways to cook eggs".  I bought it from a NLB sale some 10 or more years ago. After a decade or so I would congratulate myself if I do know 10 ways to cook an egg This indeed is a classical example of wanting to do, wanting to learn or wanting to experience 101 things and forgetting almost all along the way.

Not to worry, this is not a blog bemoaning procrastination although  year end reflections is around the corner. In fact I want to celebrate idleness or half idleness if you wish. What it means is to shorten the 'to-do' list; to really wake up to reality and focus on 1 or 2  projects/activities closest to my heart. This exercise may also require the peeling off of layers of inauthentic needs of being useful, altruism inclusive. 

Yesterday's ST article "The benefits of an 'inactive' mind" by Maria Konnikova (a doctoral candidate of psychology at Columbia U) enumerates the power of mindfulness and concentration. It discusses various experiments which gave evidence of how even short dosages of daily mindfulness training/meditation brings about not only emotional regulation but also the ability to concentrate. It is also scientifically proven that meditation practice enhances connectivity between the part of the pre-frontal cortex which monitors attention and another part of the brain known as the right insula which regulates our feelings and thoughts, thus enhancing the effectiveness of the brain's attentional resources. New evidences also suggest that our brains structure can continue to change and develop with training. The article mentions an experiment where the activation in the pre-frontal cortex of older adults began to resemble those of younger people after just 5 one-hour training sessions on a task that calls for deep attention.

Whilst meditation and mindful activities like calligraphy once rank low in my priority of daily tasks and delegated to 'only when I have time to spare'; I shall now have to make it a point to spend at least half an hour or more to still the 'monkey' mind so as to cultivate a 'neural real estate' that promotes nourishment for the brains and hopefully delays the 'cognitive decline'.

So instead of trying to master 365 ways to cook eggs, maybe I should spend an hour a day focusing deeply on frying an egg, observing each outcome with varying amount of oil, varying intensity of the fire, varying size of pan used, varying time to flip over etc etc. So my 'mental future' does not lie in knowing the number of ways to cook an egg but the concentration of frying one.

As smart or dumb as your phone

Apparently the first ever SMS was sent some 20 years ago on 3 Dec 1992 when a young Bristish engineer used his computer to send "Merry Christmas" greetings to a guy at Vodafone on his mobile. The later could not respond because there was no way a mobile could send out messages.

My first encounter with SMS was in 2000 when given a small, sleek and stylish Nokia hp with sms function (and without antenna sticking out) by the company. It was the latest upmarket model at that time and I selected a swanky ringtone. Once I left it in a meeting room full of bankers working on a project for our company. When I returned to the room, they told me with envy that I missed a call. It was the first time in my life that I actually owned something before most people did. It was COOL. However it came with a price. We were working on a bond issue and the 2 top bosses' decision had to be sought when pricing the bond. They however would be attending a very important function at the hour of pricing the bond and could not answer calls. I was instructed to sms them to get approval. I was petrified as I never acquainted myself to the method of sending sms. When I told my boss about my apprehension, the response was "we don't give you an expensive phone for nothing".

Can you believe it, just 12 years later the situation is the complete reverse. I am probably one of the last ancient beings using a "dumb" phone. I thought having an I-pad is sufficient. However I felt increasingly 'left out' and 'different' for not having a smart phone.Also when I hear my daughter, husband and others talk excitedly about 'apps' I somehow feel a bit like a dinosaur. Last week when having lunch with my classmates at a course, I felt kind of embarrassed to check my 'dummy' when a sms tone came on. Every one was busy scrolling and scrolling the screens of their smart phones. Sigh! one literally feels as smart or as dumb as the phone one has. Now I can understand why some teenagers resort to stealing or shoplifting. They don't want to be thought poor or uncool or just don't want to be different. Well if a fortish woman whom I was 10 years ago succumbed to feeling COOL just having the first mobile model, what more the youngsters.

I am contemplating to continue using a dumb phone as practice to master 'non-self' ie. not to be conscious of my identity of not having a smart phone. Haha, that was just a joke. I may be a bit bothered when people think me not savy. Whatever it is I will go and get a smart phone. Why? Because I live in mortal fear of not catching up with technology and falling further and further behind if I don't pace with it. We need to adapt to the environment. It is no longer about being COOL.









 

Sandplay

Phew, finally finished the Sandplay Therapy Certificate course. (Haha my classmates said if they knew I enjoyed doing written assignments they would have paid me to do for them. Actually if I am single and rich I will go round the world attending courses and doing written assignments!). Fortunately we didn't have to go KL to complete this course even though there were only 10 participants in Singapore. KL's class already has 27 registered participants and could never accomodate us. Like I mentioned previously Singaporeans may be adverse to the word 'play'. Even in our class of 10, 4 are foreigners, counsellors from International schools in Singapore and Bangkok.

This 4th and final module was a combination of theories and case presentations. It was an inspiring and insightful session. Although my experience using sandplay therapy with my students is very positive, I was not sufficiently confident of its effectiveness. However after viewing 10 presentations, when we saw over and over again the development of the clients' trays from initial pictures of clutter, chaos, disorder and aggression to more balanced and centred trays often filled with nurturing symbols like nature, vegetation, food, and religious icons; we know that this indeed is a powerful tool. Yes, compared to more 'scientific' tools like CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) or Solution Focused therapy, expressive therapies may sound very warm and fuzzy, but with clients who are not very cognitive, who refuse to be cognitive, or tired of being cognitive, being given the freedom and safety to let go of deep seated issues in the psyche is cathartic.

During class, the lecturer spoke about times when the counselor may feel a "mysterious guidance" during the therapeutic process. Many may think him 'loopy'. Indeed we are living in a world or in societies that easily dismiss anything beyond the cognitive and material realm as pathological or abnormal. However we must acknowledge the links between our physical body, our emotions and the psyche or spiritual energy. Amidst all the talk about Singaporeans being emotionless, I do think that a lot of Singaporeans are not very receptive to anything without structure and beyond the cognitive and physical plane. (Incidentally I am quite taken aback that Singapore has acquired quite an unfavorable reputation abroad. I heard us being mentioned in 2 international forums broadcasted by BBC on  social issues that quoted us as hedonistic, lacking individualism, miserable and pathetic though successful economically. Quite scary. One panelist even described Singapore as a "paradise with miserable people").

Anyway, I am also doubtful any organization here has budget to employ a sandplay therapist. Might be difficult to justify employing someone just to get clients to play. However experiencing the power of this technique I intend to share it with my ex colleagues at the family service centre.

Mt Fuji

When we arrived at Fujikawaguchiko it was foggy and wet. We couldn’t see much other than the misty lake. The hotel had promised a good view of Mt Fuji from our room but it was no where in sight.  We certainly brought our tropical rain to Kawaguchiko which was supposed to have only 5 days of rainfall in November. As the evening waned the rain stopped. Gradually the contour of Mt Fuji took shape but the top was still shrouded. I slept early eager to catch sight of the full mountain in the morning. I felt the excitement of a child on Christmas eve waiting to find out what her present was the next morning.

At 3 am I woke up suddenly. I gazed out of the glass doors and held my breath in awe. In the darkness the mysterious Mt Fuji wore a white pointed straw hat like those worn by Japanese farmers. If I were to assign a gender it would be a HE, a grand sire, a wise man, a village chief; one whom earns the respect of all.  I didn't sleep much that night. I was on vigil just before dawn. Then the sunrise splendor unfolded. The first sun  rays dropped a tinge of pink on the summit. Slowly and  steadily this drop of pink spread downward along the Eastern slope acquiring an orange hue as it slided. Soon the eastern face of the mountain was aglow. I was so struck by the beauty of it all that I told myself there must be a God behind such wonder.

Spell bound I held Mt Fuji as sacred. I thought it disrespectful to spread our laundered undergarment on the deck chair in the balcony of our room before Mt Fuji's very eyes.The whole of the next 2 days we took endless pictures of the mountain from various locations of Kawaguchiko. Every view was breath taking, be it between branches of a maple tree, at the lakeside with tall rushes or from a nearby hillcock.

In our hotel there is an indoor hot spring with full glass windows which provide a magnificient view of the mountain. As per Japanese public bath ethics you have to bathe yourself before dipping into the spring naked. When I went in one afternoon I was fortunate enough to be alone. Still I felt a bit awkward and shy to bathe in full view of such sacredness. After being in the spring for a while, a sense of quiet delight overwhelmed me. My bare body in the clear spring waters joined by the majestic mountain awakened my sense of  just  BEING.

 
 
 

Can not mention

I am really amazed at the speed our government introduce changes in policies. I am not sure whether to be impressed or amused. Today was the release of the PSLE results and I have read in the papers that the ministry is considering not announcing the top students. I thought it meant the ministry will not be revealing the names of the top students in the cohort and the schools they come from. Little did I expect such draconian measures to "hide" the scores. I was at my school to see how my P6 clients fared and also to standby should any pupil need counselling. In the hall where all the pupils and parents were gathered nerves were raw as usual. As per past years after the usual announcements about the application process for secondary school and getting the pupils to acknowledge the dedication of their teachers, the Principal went on to reveal the percentage of passes in the various streams and the subjects. The name and the score of the top 3 students were not announced. In its place the Principal spoke about "model" students who set good examples and 5 names were flashed on the screen. There was no mention of how they fared in the exam or how they earned the merit of being "model" students. I turned to a teacher standing next to me with a puzzled look and she told me these students are actually the top scorers in the school. Throughout the briefing other than broad percentages not a single mention was made about the actual scores, the magical 3 digit figure became a taboo overnight.

Another new "pattern" shall I call it was the introduction of an award for the student with the best character. "Hmm....isn't that rather subjective?" I whispered to the teacher. She told me there was a list of criteria for the selection and the school had to get the teachers to nominate students and then  decide on the name after a long meeting.

I find the sudden change rather amusing. I thought about the tuition centre which no longer could parade the picture and score of the top PSLE student whom it proclaimed to have groomed. I thought, about the parents of the top students in each school who missed the opportunity of feeling the glory which their child brought upon them (aiya just missed by one year). I empathized with my principal whose rotten luck deprived her the pride of announcing a substantial improvement in the scores this year. I thought about that 3 digit figure, be it 197, 212, 224, 236, 244, 255, 262, 279, 285 obsessed by generations of parents. Yes it is high time this figure be banished from our dream/ nightmare.

Nothing surprises me anymore?

A common expression amongst people as they age is "nothing surprises me anymore". This is  usually from people who have seen a lot, feel jaded or unruffled.

However I feel quite the reversed. Increasingly I find things happening around us rather puzzling and unimaginable. Some of them are as follow:

1) The gangnam style video that has gone viral

2) Property prices rocketing out of comprehension

3) University undergraduates posing erotic sex video on the web

4) Flooding in New York

5) Republicans underestimating the changing demographics of the Hispanic vote in the presidential election


The gangnam video was viewed 680 million times on youtube. Yes it is funny and amusing but surely not earth shaking. Perhaps it is fueled by curiosity exponentially. It is amazing what seizes people's fascination nowadays. Apparently the humour and surprise element coupled with the unique dance movements in the video mesmerizes lots of people.Then you have the infamous NUS law scholar who wondered whose sensitivity he should be protecting and why was there a need to apologize for posing pornographic videos of him and his girlfriend's sex life on the web. It seems people have an insatiable thirst for new things and the more out of the ordinary anything is the more excitement it creates. It is as if people have to break out of boredom to survive. Therein lies the irony. The intention is to draw attention by delivering a surprise but any shocked response arising may be labelled as old fashion and outdated. Try sharing with the youngsters your disbelief that certain things  are happening and they will say you are out of touch and uninformed.

Yet uninformed is exactly the real reason behind other surprises that we encounter. Every one talks about how the property prices have rocketed beyond comprehension. Yet if one has been observant, focused and inquisitive one can see it coming, at least in Singapore with the accelerating increase in population. If we have cared enough to find out or note the annual population growth and the GDP growth over the last few years or bothered to be inquisitive or think deeper where the excess liquidity floating around will settle and wondered about the prolonged low interest rate environment, we should have seen it coming. Of course there are people who jumped in with what they called gut feel but most likely are people who have taken note of all such factors subconsciously. The fact is we have to reckon that in many so called surprise happenings it is ourselves who have not been alert ie. OUT OF TOUCH in the true sense.

Having said that there are many aspects/events in today's world which are hard to predict or which have turned out unexpectedly. These include subtle social changes that creep onto societies stealthily like a fog. I was amazed to learn that the youths in Japan are known to be complacent,apathetic and unmotivated. Unlike previous generations whose quest was to learn from the west the new generation appears unengaged and inward looking. Apparently the enrollment of Japanese students in top  US universities have been falling. The young people watched and decided not to follow the footsteps of their parents who sacrifice quality lifestyle for the lifetime dream job. Meanwhile the government grappled with setting some directions or aspiration to  tackle the prevailing aimlessness. The social aspect of things is especially difficult to envisage because it involves human psychology and behaviour. Like the effect that industrialization and modernization have on  climates, social changes can catch people and governments off guard, adding to the list of surprises we encounter. No wonder the Republicans lost the presidential election. They had failed to adapt to the changing demographics in the country;surprised whilst they watched the billions spent on campaigning went down the drain.

Feel the Magic

Read in the papers about this lady who founded Pat School House who is now moving on to be the CEO of another pre-school chain, G8 Education, one which is considered lower tiered in terms of fees. Her aim as she explained is to bring holistic child development to a wider group of families, inculcating in the children the love of music, literature and expression. One of her remarks which strikes me is that when interviewing child care teachers she will get them to sing and tell stories to assess their suitability. For a moment I was wondering whether I should apply for the job because I would love to engage in such activities daily (ie. if it does not come with the din and children on the loose haha).

As it's Friday and story telling time at the Library, I have to flip through the books which I  borrowed in advance to get a rough idea of the storyline. I have chanced upon 2 very inspiring books, at least for me who might not have grown up after all. The mystical flow of both stories awakes the child in me and the deeper meaning beneath them led me to some adult inner reflections. I was so enthralled by the language in one of the books that I went on to google a bit on the author, William Steig. He was a well known cartoonist for the New York Times before he went on to write children's books at the age of 61 (Wow so inspiring!). The language he used was so packed with emotions, of sadness, of struggles, of losing faith, of gaining hope and of riding the storm and emerging from difficulties. I think this children's book is worth more than any adult self help book as it appeals to the innate healing power of the inner psychic.

"Rather than using iPads, animation and loud sounds that will only attract a child's attention, I want to teach children so that their imagination can go further, they feel the emotions of a story"-commented the new CEO of G8 Education. I do agree with her. One must not forget that there are many aspects to living and the physical plane is just one of them. Helping the children to feel the magic will impart a dimension that makes life a little tad more worth living.

Child or Pet?

In today's Life Sumiko wrote an article about how pets can stand in for children to foster closer relationship between husband and wife. She described how she and her partner found joy relating little tricks and pranks that each of their pet dog was up to. In fact it is now common for young couples to substitute pets for children since pets provide just as much joy with less stress and commitment perhaps.

In Buddhist class the discussion was about the sufferings that attachment and the clinging on to things can bring about including relationships. I asked the teacher doesn't love equates attachment. Does it then mean to be less attached one must love less. This sparked off a spirited discussion including the animated opinion of one classmate whose pet dog has just passed away. The group consensus was if one loves unconditionally without expectations one will not suffer. So if you care for someone and does things to promote his or her happiness but were not appreciated and reciprocated, you will not feel hurt. A heavily pregnant woman once asked a religious teacher a question. She told the teacher she was about to give birth to a child whom the doctor prescribed would not live long after birth. She asked what she needed to do to support the child. The teacher told her she must first not resent the child for not fulfilling her expectations for it. The child was born with its own purpose and not according to her wishes and not to fulfill her expectations for it. The teacher then went on to discuss how very often we load onto our children expectations that serve to fulfill our need to feel that we have been good/successful parents and that it is worthwhile to have them.

Perhaps that is why some people find loving a pet less taxing than loving a child. A child comes with a string of associated expectations which arise from the feeling that it is an extension of oneself. Giving unconditional love to a pet comes easier. So if my cat Miao2 is getting fat and lethargic and watches with one eye half opened a lizard dashing across the floor, I just give her a nudge and reproached her idleness in jest.

The Balinese Door

Did you notice that the doors to most homes in Bali are relatively small. Often when you step in you will also face a small wall. Behind the wall a landscaped garden awaits you be it a big or small one. Even if a house is located along a busy street, once inside you feel like you are in a different world away from the hustle and bustle. Serenity is restored almost immediately as if you are coming home to your real self. Here you can discard your mask and your armour. You will get this experience when you stay at smallish boutique or back packer hotels in Bali.

Yesterday I heard over podcast an interview with Kofi Annan. When asked how he juggled his life  between family and his job as UN Secretary-General, he talked about trying his best practice to work hard for the "larger world" on week days and keeping weekends for his "smaller world". His "smaller world" which includes his wife and family provided the support which was so crucial especially at times when the UN effort seemed so fruitless in some countries' political strifes and killings. His mention of the 2 worlds prompted my recollection of images of the Bali doors. These Balinese are so clever in trying to build ambiences and atmosphere which facilitate and nurture the connection to one's inner world.

Apparently the wall is called "aling-aling" and its traditional goal is really to stop demons from entering the house.  If you think about it, from a psychological and mental point of view isn't that also relevant to us. I mean it will be good to  have  a wall to stop demonic thoughts from raking our minds, the common ones being desire, fear, doubt and anger. Both Gautama Buddha and Jesus Christ had to overcome such thoughts and emotions (often termed as temptations) before being freed from their fetters and achieving enlightenment. As we straddle between our outer and inner  worlds we have to leave the door opened to things happening outside; but at the same time we need a wall to filter non beneficial or unskillful ideas and emotions so that the serenity in our inner courtyard can be maintained always to welcome us home.

Seeds from past and for future

When I first arrived in Singapore more than 30 years ago, I put up at my aunt's place at Selegie Rd. I attended a secondary school at Toa Payoh and commuted to and fro by bus which took more than an hour. The bus route covered a stretch of Bartley Road where the Ramakrishna Temple stood on a small hill. ( I found out it was a temple only recently) It looked more like a villa to me. I remember often wondering from afar who this "villa" housed and what its interior looked like whenever the bus passed by it.

Two weeks ago after a meeting at MCYS, accompanied by its supervisor I dropped in at the Ramakrishna Mission Boy's Home to see one of my clients, a P 6 student who stays there. He is there because his home environment is not conducive for his upbringing. The boy was surprised, a bit shy but delighted to see me. He was having his weekly Science tuition given by an Indian lady who is a volunteer. My unexpected visit cut short his tuition session. The supervisor asked him to show me around the home and the temple and the tutor joined in as she had not been inside the prayer hall of the temple, which is just next to the home. The premise is on sprawling high grounds and the surroundings is quiet and serene.

After showing us the various rooms in the home the boy brought us to view the garden patches at the side and back of the home. At the side there are several rectangular plots for the planting of herbs, each plot the responsibility of a small group of boys to nurture. We then crossed over to the temple (the villa in my memory). The lower hall was adorned with photographs of Ramakrishna and his disciples. Me and the tutor chattered excitedly and rather loudly because there was no one in the hall. The boy then whispered to us to speak softly because the holy ones (in the pictures) are meditating. Like naughty girls caught misbehaving we apologized. On each side of the hall there was a staircase. The boy told us that he will take the staircase on the left which is meant for the men and we ladies have to take the other staircase meant for the women. I followed his instructions not knowing what to expect on the upper floor. I imagined we would find ourselves in a separate prayer room meant for ladies. Instead the staircase led us to a big open hall on the second floor and our young guide was there waiting for us with a quiet confident smile. I don't know why but I felt so happy to see him, almost like a child meeting a parent. Throughout the visit I have noticed my student behaved very differently from the way he does in school. In school he is treated like an irritant by teachers and a clown by his classmates. But here he was like a knowledgeable tour guide leaving out no details introducing the statue of Ramakrishna as well as people in the framed picture on the wall. He hit the gong softly to show us the start of a prayer routine as well as the bells used during prayers. I grasped onto his words with a feeling of awe.  He urged me to take some of the literature displayed on a side table, showed me one which listed upcoming events and encouraged me to attend one of these prayer sessions. "But this is not my religion" I whispered softly in reply. He told me all believers are welcomed and mentioned that they believe in the Bible too. I just smiled not making sense of what he told me; but I did pick up 2 little booklets to get a better understanding of this faith. Whilst taking the staircase down a phrase from the Bible popped up in my mind "and a child will lead them".

 As I stood at the temple corridors looking down on the surrounding Bartley area I reflected  that it took me 3 decades to be inside the "villa" which I had wondered from afar. The seed of "awe" which  was planted in my mind more than 30 ago has now ripened and enriched my visit, giving it a sense of bewilderment. A week before this visit I had submitted notice to the school about my intention to quit next year. I have been with the school for almost 4 years and need to move on, though I don't know what I will embark on next. I have been tossing ideas in my mind about the various options, volunteering here, volunteering there, maybe some part time employment, maybe focusing on acquiring religious knowledge or maybe even focusing on investing money.

As I bade farewell to the boy, the Home and my "Villa", a feeling of warmth came over me and I felt another seed has been planted in my mind. Somehow I have a feeling this seed may possibly give me some directions in time to come.

(Incidentally Ramakrishna is perhaps one of the best known saints of nineteenth century India. He had a universal approach to religion believing the validity of different religious paths. Amongst his teachings was the belief that all religions including Christianity and Islam lead to God).

Now I know where the boy is coming from.

Gossipping Men

My husband told me that at the men's toilet in the country club, the regulars (mainly middle aged men and retirees who go for their daily evening swim) are recently engaging in very animated discussions about the sex scandal involving the Narcotics Bureau chief. Apparently a common opinion amongst them was that the married lady involved was  more desirable than the underage girl who brought disgrace to many men in yet another recent sex scandal. I found this so unbecoming but won't be  surprised he (husband) partook in such idle talk.

My belief that men are real gossipers is reinforced when I read Richard Lim's article today in the Life Section. His article is about how he lives alone and mentions that he occasionally meets up with  colleagues at the kopitiam opposite their office. They don't talk about the good old times but "pontificate passionately on politics and current affairs, such as Cecilia Sue and what MU and SP mean". If you don't know what these educated men of ink are referring to, you were probably able to resist the temptation of reading the detailed report on the case; including the dialogue which took place in the court room. It was just too juicy to ignore and the papers provided the sensation of reading pornographic literature without feeling guilty. Well "SP" appeared in one of the couple's erotic text messages and these men are guessing what it stands for.

Earlier on I have heard over podcast a religious teacher suggesting a method for people to avoid sexual temptation by seeing beneath the skin of the person they are attracted to. This does not mean metaphorically gauging the person's character and traits etc. Instead he literally meant seeing beneath the skin ie. to think what the person is like without the skin surface ie. the person in totality including the skull, the eye socket, the brain matter, the heart, liver, stomach, big intestines etc. So when those long smooth legs look attractive, one must also look at the muscles and the veins with blood running through them as well. I thought this may be an useful tool to pass on to my husband. In fact maybe the judge being constantly bombarded with a deluge of sensuous details should also be equipped with this tool as well.  He after all is also a man although being a judge is probably less "superficial" than most other men.

Face the Cold Shoulder

 I attend taiji class every Sunday at a club. 2 weeks ago I noticed there was a new class for beginners which runs concurrently with ours. From afar I spotted from amongst the new students an ex ex colleague. Well there are some people in your life who put you in a quandary as to how to behave when meeting them.  After class as usual I lingered awhile to chat with my classmates. Along came this guy with his wife whom I have also met before. My reflex response was to acknowledge them with a smile when they neared me. The wife smiled back perhaps not so much in recognition but as any fellow classmate would. This guy however looked straight ahead, his gaze as if transfixed at an object far away. I was a bit put off.

On the way home I kept musing over whether he actually saw me and if so why was he ignoring me. Unless he has impaired side vision it was quite impossible not to have seen me when he walked within 2 feet of me. If he had seen me but chose to ignore me; was it because I carry insignificant network value or could it be he was still angry over some friction at work ages ago.

Yesterday I was again at a dilemma after taiji class. I was engaged in a conversation with my own classmates when I saw him walking my way  with his wife. I thought to myself I should just pretend not to see them. However I also thought how dreadful it would be pretending not to see each other week after week. So I turned around, smiled and tried hard to catch his eyes. I think I made it quite difficult not to be acknowledged. He broke into a broad smile whilst we exchanged greetings and brief casual talk.  There you go, from now on just a casual 'hi" will be sufficient when we do meet again. However because his smile was so broad I was again wondering on my way home whether I read him wrongly.

Very so often we try our best to avoid unpleasant experiences or deemed unpleasant experiences. In most cases the building up of negative thoughts, worries or dreadful anticipations are more difficult to bear than the actual experience itself. I recalled once I dreaded having to stand in for my boss to accompany some company directors to attend at meeting at a subsidiary in Seoul. I tried to find all kinds of excuses to avoid the trip. It turned out however to be an interesting trip and at dinner I learned quite a fair bit about the business world just listening to their conversation. Actually facing a difficult situation straight in the face also provides an opportunity for self awareness, correcting false beliefs and analyzing mistaken self concepts. This is on top of mastering a better understanding of the situation and the people involved as well. In addition facing up to an unpleasant experience also builds self confidence in that you know you will be able to live through the pain should another of such arises.

So being shown the cold shoulder is no big deal after all especially when you know a persistent smile can melt its coldness.

Things to do now you're 40

Picked up a book titled "Things to do now tthat you're 40". Though more than a deccade too late, I was kind of curious what I have missed out and see whether I can do a bit of catch up. The book is not in prose form and really just lists out suggestions under 8 broad headings.

Leaving out the crazy, weird and sometimes irresponsible activities like "Do something scandalous that will shock your descendants" or "Play roulette in a casino and lose more money than you can afford" in the list, I find some of the suggestions rather interesting, doable and worthy of consideration. Under the various headings they include:

Challenge Yourself:

• Adopt an unusual, unexpected hobby; the more bizarre the better
• Put a message in a bottle and throw it out to sea
• Have a drink in a bar alone and chat with the bartender (hmm... so challenging ,wonder when I wll pluck up enough courage to do this)

Enrich your Body and Mind

• Make a conscious decision not to become a middle-aged slob. Even when you're not going anywhere, dress nicely and groom yourself. (Gosh ! I havent bought a lipstick for ages)
• Figure out the foods that make your digestive system work most efficiently
• Get up early enough to have a calm start to the day and include something nurturing in your morning routine

Go Back to Nature

• Strike up a relationship with an animal and make sure you understand each other ( I and Miao2 are still happily trying to understand each other)
• Watch a sunset from a cliff looking out over an ocean (Just did that at Uluwata temple in Bali, a beautiful experience indeed!)
• Plant a tree in your backyard and watch it grow (my husband's source of enrichment which I must learn)
• Find the landscape that speaks to your soul, whether it be mountain or ocean, desert or forest
• Take a moment to count all the different shades of green outside

(Indeed the list is very long under this category especially if one has the luxury of living close to nature)

Review your achievement

• Think about what you used to want to do when you were growing up. Have you done it yet?
• Get something you've written in print. If all else fsils, write a letter to your local newspaper.
• Reread your resume. Sit back and feel pround of your achievement
• Nurture your intellectual curiosity. When you don't know something, look it up.
• Make one major life change in your fortieth year.

Celebrate your Creativity

• Start writing your thoughts, observations and feelings in a diary (got to do more of this)
• Develop your own eccentricities while you're young, so that as you get older people don't think you'r going gaga (hmm... it's a bit late for me, people will start using the 's' word (senile) if I begin now)
• Read all the Pulitzer Prize winning novels of the last ten years (wow with my slow reading pace that will be my retirement job)
• Stretch your brain cells, read difficult books and watch documentaries about complex subjects
• Take singing lessons, even if you're tone deaf. Singing is good for the soul ( can seriously consider!!!)
• Use your best china every day-don't wait for the perfect moments that never arrive
• Design and create a garden of your own (and get your husband the gardener to do the rest)

Upgrade your Attitude

• Get over sibling rivalry, or friendship rivalry, or any other kind of unhealthy competitiveness
• Be sure you have a healthy way of dealing with stressful situations, whether it's exercise, deep breathing, meditation or hugging a pet
• Spend your time the way you want to-   it is the hard currency of life. Don't let other people spend it for you

Refresh you Soul

• Remember, only quiet waters give an undistorted reflection and only quiet minds see the world as it really is.
• Give yourself permission to change your mind about everything

Re-evaluate your Relationships

• Learn how to listen well and to hear what is not being said

but at the same time...

• Separate from your family enough to become yourself

I have left out loads of suggestions in the book which are very cliche in nature and too often mentioned. Most of the items listed above are not impossible to carry out although some of them call for a bit of imagination, courage or madness on our part. As Robin Williams once said " You're only given a little spark of madness. You musn't lose it."