Train Sagas

Before I discuss the train saga in Singapore let me share my own personal saga in the tube in Rome. It is a bit surprising that Rome is still quite crowded in winter. My husband takes pride in navigating the subway of cities thus saving much money on conducted city tours. Unfortunately he has a dumb witted wife who often appears as an easy target for pick pockets. It was sunset when son, husband and me pushed ourselves into a subway carriage at Spagna station. Both men managed to force their way about 2 steps from the entrance. However much as I tried I was blocked by a dark skinned lady wrapped in a big shawl. We looked each other in the eyes hesitating who should move into the carriage. When she finally let me, I was near my men. At this point I noticed my squarish handbag which I carried across my shoulder facing front half zipped. Immediately I checked the content and found my wallet missing. I muttered aloud that my wallet was missing. Instantaneously I figured that the woman who blocked my way was the thief. I squeezed up to her and exclaimed "Hey I think you took my wallet!" Almost split second another lady standing a person away from the first lady tapped my shoulder and pointed to a wallet on the floor and asked me whether I dropped it. I picked up my wallet in relief whilst still stunned. At this moment a seat was vacated and I plonked myself on it. The credit cards were in tact. Until this day I don't understand why I did not check the middle compartment (where the unfolded notes are usually placed)promptly. The fact was I actually paused awhile before checking for the notes. When I finally came to check the middle compartment and found the 200 Euro missing, the 2 ladies had alighted at the next stop. Fortunately some other notes in the zipped compartment of my wallet were in tact. Mind you I also had another fabric pouch containing passport, money and credit cards worn around my neck and hidden in the midst of layers of clothing (This is called contingency planning haha). Well the modus operandi as I figured it was woman no.1 took my wallet beneath her shawl whilst pressed against me. She then passed it to woman no.2. When I confronted woman no.1, woman no.2 dropped the wallet and alerted me to it. Why did she have to do that? Even had we searched woman no.1 we wouldn't be able to find anything on her. I guess they feared some other passengers might have noticed they came in as a pair or something. Well this is the third time I was pickpocketd in my life. Things do really happened 3 times and I hope it will stop there, otherwise I can write a guide on how to avoid being pick pocketed.

Needless to say my husband's holiday was partially spoilt by the train saga in Singapore. Poor him, he had to render advice on phone admist the Italian mayhem and merry making in those little cosy restaurants. Well this is not the platform for me to discuss what I gathered to be the likely cause of the great Singapore train disruptions. My own personal deduction may also run awry with the political explanation or vice versa. My only comment is just as pick pockets use the appropriate modus operandi for the right situation, Singapore may need to review the model upon which its transport system is run. Hopefully they are not as dumb witted as me who fell prey a third time round.

Lost qualities

A psychology professor in Berkeley shared her opinion on spontaneous compassion, how it can be lost and regained. Years ago she met with an accident which resulted in some head injuries that broke various blood vessels causing excessive blood flow into her face. Her face became swollen and took on several ugly colour disfiguration for a few months. Whilst convalescing in a centre she observed how uncomfortable adults were when interacting with her. They tried to avoid looking straight at her face whilst not knowing where to shift their eyes. She reckoned people dared not look at her for fear of being perceived as staring. To save themselves and her from perceived embarrassment they avoided her altogether.

In the centre were 2 children, a 8 year old girl and a 10 year old low functioning austistic boy. One day the girl approached the professor and told her straight in the face that she looked like a monster. However she did not withdraw in fear but instead engaged the professor in a lively conversation. They became friends and went on to play some "Monster will catch you" game.

The other child in the centre was an autistic boy who knew only 3 words, the name of his brother, the name of his caregiver and the word 'chocolate'. The boy had an uncanny sense of which passer-by had chocolates in their pockets or bag and would approach them and mutter the word 'chocolate' haltingly. In this way he would get to eat what he loved. One day the child crept up beside the professor (who was feeling very down) and muttered the chocolate word. The professor explained that she did not have any chocolate with her. The boy looked at her face, slowly pulled out a chocolate bar from his pocket and gave it to her.

2 things strike me in this episode:
-The autistic boy despite being very very low in the scale of most types of intelligencies, in my opinion scored very high in 'interpersonal intelligence' because of his ability to empathize. He seemed to possess a heightened sensitivity to the moods of others and an ability to heal through non verbal mode, ie. through an expression of the soul.

-The girl too seemed to fare better than the adults through her unconditional acceptance. Hers is an example of spontaneity and authenticity.

Do we lose such abilities as we grow up? Are they pushed to the background whilst we focus on other more 'useful' intellectual skills?

Can we regain or reconstruct these impaired abilities? Can we reactivate these positive qualities? I believe we can.

Reshaping the Brains

I woke up this morning with a start, seized by unexplained anxiety. My cognitive mind searched for the trigger, the reasons and finding none rebuked myself for my neurosis. Yet this has been one of my underlying templates, an unconscious mode which rears it head from time to time and which I have tried so hard to suppress.

Unexplained anxieties or overblown worries may have various origins.

I recall the words of Mark Pearson, author of the book Sandplay and Symbol work:
"The impact of traumatic events can build up in the unconscious from as far back as our time in the womb. When there is a protective shut-down of feelings the unconscious material can have a pervasive negative and limiting effect on the psyche".

Another explanation is of course biological. Neurotransmitters are the chemicals which allow the transmission of signals from one neuron to the next across synapses in our brain. For example the neurotransmitter gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) is involved in relaxation and imbalances may cause anxiety dosorders.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), a commonly used counselling strategy, calls upon our cognitive reasoning to challenge misbeliefs and reframe thinking. However in situations where misbeliefs or triggers are not consciously apparent, the unconscious fears have to be expressed through some form of emotional release techniques in place of talk therapy. Art therapy is one such example. Relaxation techniques including meditation is known to be helpful too. Research has in fact discovered that specific areas of the brain that regulates emotion and pain are significantly thicker in meditators than non meditators. One of the most popular areas of research in psychology these days is neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to restructure itself after training or practice. A discovery by researchers at the Brain Mind Institute of the EPFL (Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne) shows that the brain rewires itself following an experience. Neurons fire together wire together, that means if one practices to be in a certain state of mind (being calm for example); the construct of the brain is gradually altered which in turn renders the person's state of mind to be more calm. I believe the reverse is applicable too, which means if one stresses the brains constantly the wired neurons will further reinforce the stressful state of mind.

Fortunately for all of us it is found that the brains is really quite plastic, meaning it is quite easy for the neurons to rewire or reprogram. Given this wonderful discovery we should aim to put ourselves in the desired state with whatever technique suitable. For myself I find that when I practise Chinese calligraphy I have to still my mind and really concentrate. As I proceed and about half an hour into it my mind begins to feel at ease and enjoy the moment. Next year I intend to embark on meditation class. Hopefully I can rewire my neurons so that they become less of an anxious mess.

Her Heavy Shoulders

On Friday whilst selecting children books for display at my storytelling session in the library, I chanced upon my student counselee. He was very excited for me to meet his grandmother. So I invited grandma and her 3 grandchildren to attend my storytelling session. After the session we chatted at length. I think the lady should be about my age though she looks rather haggard. A roundish woman she walks with a heavy drag on her feet. Her faint smile which reveals some missing front teeth emotes a mixed sense of weary resolve. I have spoken with her on the phone a couple of times before to find out the conditions of my counselee. She would pour her heart out giving me the impression that she needed someone to talk with. That day in the library she again lamented about her estranged relationship with her daughter, the mother of my counselee. MCYS has taken the children out of their mother's care after discovering they have been abused by their step-father; and grandma was appointed the guardian. Grandma works part time at MacDonald and strives to give the children the best care and guidance possible having in her own words failed in bringing up her daughter properly. Grandma is most concern with the poor academic performance of my counselee. Indeed the boy's form teacher has also shared with me that he is completely not motivated in his studies. I can feel grandma's helplessness and mine as well in not being able to do much, as in getting the child to be more interested in his studies (although his presenting issue for counselling was more about his emotional state than his academic performance). As I watched grandma rounding up the 3 boys amongst the book shelves to leave for home I can feel the weight on her shoulders carrying the responsibilities of bringing up yet another set of young children.

Reading Saturday Straits Time's special report on various categories of people who fall through the cracks of the social safety net in Singapore, I find the circumstances of the families described similar to that which many of the students in my school are in. Sometimes when discussing with the teachers about the struggles that a particular child is facing, the teachers will inevitably tell me there are other students in their class with even more adverse home environment.

Unless more resources are channelled to help these groups of people I think it is an upward struggle for the children to break away from the trap of poverty and adverse family conditions.

Valuing and Accepting

Paid a visit to the Red Cross Home for the Disabled at Redhill with my Buddhist teacher and classmates. Most of the inmates are afflicted with severe mental and physical diabilities. Many have constricted and stunted figures as well as severe mental incapacity such that one can never tell how they perceive the presence of visitors calling out their names or clasping their hands.

One feels awkward when greetings are met with the same stare into space or incomprehensible blabberings. One walks down the aisle lined with 2 rows of beds feeling rather scared, uncomfortable and lost. Indeed that is the feeling of being alienated. Then I came across a teenage boy holding a big soft toy dog. I went to his bedside, took the soft toy and did the only thing I am good at, ie. imitating the voice of a doggy, called out his name and touched his nose with the dog's nose. The boy broke out into a big smile and hugged the dog closely. I felt a connection through the dog which put me at more ease thereon.

At the class discussion after the visit, there was of course much talk about valuing our life, appreciating our functioning faculties and about acceptance (on the part of the parents accepting that they have to help their children live out their karmic effect). Back home reading Sumiko's column "Scared to be Happy" seems to wrap up the mood of the day. She talked about these days how small things seem to make her happy as compared to an inexhaustible list of aspirations required for happiness when she was in her 20s or 30s. I know what she means when she cites being greeted by her dog in the morining as an example of happiness. Noticing my cat safe and sound asleep beside me often brings a smile to my face. I should also be thankful for the mental capacity to appreciate the cat's presence.

Sumiko also spoke about being wary of feeling too happy just in case the happiness won't last. She is probably referring to impermanence. I guess even when we feel joyful we have to be mindful that such state is not permanent. Being aware and accepting such impermanence prepares us for inevitable changes.

Wanting

I read with disbelief the evidences raised by the US lawyer representing Singapore investors in the Pinnacle Notes against Morgan Stanley (MS). The US court has not thrown out the case even though the investments were made in Singapore and not in US jurisdiction. Apparently our US lawyer ('our' because I am one such stupid albeit small investor) has presented facts that showed that MS "increased the percentage of companies susceptible to a housing downturn in the CDO structure" all this during the worsening subprime crisis. I have gone into this investment aware that MS is the swap counterparty. It is very common for a swap counterparty to hedge its own risks by simultaneously carrying out another swap to contra its position. However unknown to us the investors, MS has actually taken on a position against the investors or betting against the investor whilst being the manager of the investments, truly an "undisclosed self dealing".

If the above evidence is true, this is yet another rude recognition to me of how low financial institutions can stoop so that a few can enjoy huge bonuses. I had in my previous job always been very suspicious of the integrity of bankers when they pitched their sales but had never expected them to stoop this low. One panelist in a debate about the role of banks in the financial crisis opined that for the industry to truly revamp itself, banks have to stop being amoral or immoral. I can't agree more.

The papers are filled with immoral acts that stretch beyond your imagination. Another disbelief I have this morning is about contractors making their foreign workers gamble for them as they themselves are barred or excluded from the casinos due to heavy gambling. The foreign workers are given the capital and take a cut of the winnings; but when the loss is large the amount will be deducted from their pay. The worst outcome I believe is when the workers acquire the addiction!

All the above will result in nothing but sufferings. As I hear from dharma podcast all sufferings/dissatisfaction can be classified into 3 types:

1)The wanting
2) The holding on, and
3) The existential pain

The first covers a whole spectrum of wants stretching beyond material things and status to experiences, relationship and more.

The second refers to something pleasurable or pleasant having been attained, the heart wants more and more of such.It is as if we want to line up the good experiences one after another in our life and believe we are able to control that and blaming ourselves when we fail.

The third refers to the internal struggles or "boredom" experienced in a neutral state. In a state when nothing seemingly good or bad happens, boredom and anxieties over the meaning behind the repeated routines of living, set in. Many take to various forms of pleasures and excitement just to avoid this existential angst.

Bankers, contractors, foreign workers, you and me; we all have semblances of the above only in varying degree.

Statistics Statistics

Last week Lee Hsien Loong finally came out clean with the government's concern about social stratification in Singapore. He noted that 'the children of successful people are doing better, the children of less successful people are doing less well....It's a big gap. It exists in Singapore, sharper than before.'

This seems to undermine Ng Eng Hen's statements just before the GE that Singapore's meritocracy education system ensures social mobility. To pove that meritocracy is alive and well, he had then flashed out statistics that amongst students in the bottom third socio-economic bracket, about half score within the top two-thirds of their Primary 6 cohort. One can only laugh and wonder how many iterations these statistcs were juggled and tossed to present a certain point. I can even imagine the irate minister dismissing sets of not good enough figures.

I have personally learnt from the experiences in my previous job to be discerning in reading historical figures. This happened when the company invited banks to submit proposals for jobs like managing a bond issue or a M&A project. Unbelievably every bank would present itself as the top in a league table. Were their statistics fraudulent? No not at all, it was just a question of being top in which geographical zone, which historical period (last 1,3,5,7 or 10 years), which criteria (aggregate of projects in terms of $ value; absolute number of projects; or number/aggregate value of projects exceeding $100m $200m etc). There was no shortage of creative criteria used to present each bank as top in the league table. In fact I was told that there is a software to help sort statistics for league tables such that the desired presentation is achieved.

It is no surprise therefore that the government and affiliates with its huge resource of think tank and software can easily produce sets of authentic figures that meet the presenter's requirement. So when LHL defended Temasek and GIC's investments in Citigroup and UBS in 2008 by citing that despite the huge write down in those investments, GIC's annual returns in the past 20 years still averaged 7.8 percent in U.S. dollar terms; a discerning reader has to ask for figures over the last 10 or 5 or 3 years as well to get a more holistic picture.

Back to Ng Eng Hen. Ooh... I feel bad for him (He preformed a minor surgery for me when he was a surgeon. Nice guy, very approachable). Just because the government's stance has changed, the statistics he presented earlier in the year may now seem irrelevant or even misleading! Well if you have asked why bottom ONE THIRD ah?, why 50%? amongst top TWO THIRD ah? you would have scratched your head and dismissed it as "Aiya I was never good at statistics in school anyway, that's why I can never understand".

My Teacher's Answer

Karma is based on the concept of cause and effect. We are made to be aware that various unwise actions and thoughts will lead to unfavourable effects for our future, this life and hereafter. Hence if we are skillful we may want to avoid them.

I raised a question for the teacher. So our actions are driven by fear and the objective to achieve better karma for ourselves. If such intentions arise from selfish interest how then can we ever cultivate the real loving compassion and kindness just in doing good. I am quite sure only few are blessed with the natural attributes of compassion.

The teacher provided a satisfactory answer. The good practices no matter the intention is a good start. As one practises acts for the good of others, the "I" diminishes and as the "I" diminishes the compassion grows. Yes I believe this will be a good beginning to understanding the concept of "non-self" which is a very challenging concept to appreciate.

I think about all the struggles that one goes through in life. I begin to have an inkling that they arise out of the thougths relating to "I" "My" "Mine" "Myself" and "Me".

Those Apple Gadgets

Steve Job was famous for developing products for people even before they knew they would want them. With his passing, there is no lack of tributes in all forms of media about this great visionary.

My first close encounter with wanting an Apples gadget arose when I discovered a discarded walkman in my daughter's room a couple of years ago. The Sony walkman was of course not an Apples product. However I was thrilled that I could possibly put the walkman in a cloth bag, sling the bag across my shoulder and thus listening to music whilst doing housework. It then struck me that I could buy or borrow audio books in CD form and listen to them using the walkman whilst doing the mundane chores. It was only when I carelessly asked my son to look out for audio books in the library that he introduced to me the I-Pod and the amazing world that it opened up for me. He taught me how to download music, BBC podcasts and loads and loads of free talks, lectures and audio books found in the net. So I borrowed his I-pod and was careful not to spoil it whilst marvelling at its sleekness when compared to the plate like walkman. Of course my clumsiness with technology caused me great anguish when I accidentally wiped out an entire of his music collection. Anyway that was a good enough reason for him to get the latest version and let his foolish mum take over the old one. To this day that I-Pod is the thing that is in closest contact with me literally. In retrospect however that product was what I already knew I wanted.

What about the I-Pad then? Well I have ever seen my grandniece playing with it like a toy and marvelled at the beautiful photographs that a friend flashed across the I-Pad screen of the shots she took on a holiday. It was just a big version of the I-Phone which I thought I could do without. That was until a couple of days ago when my husband walked away with an I-Pad from the lucky draw at his company's D&D. Since I would have more time to play with it, it is destined to be MY TOY. I left it in the box for a couple of days. Surprised at my lack of enthusiasm, my daughter demonstrated a few things availbale, one of which is reading books from the tablet. I watched in stupor as the picture of an empty bookshelf flashed the screen. When she downloaded a couple of books in minutes, the books appeared on the shelf one by one, buidling a virtual library!. Then she showed me some other amazing features. Now, now this will really be a new toy which I have not had for a long long while.

Yes in my own little world, Steve Job has brought quite a lot of thrills that suspend boredom that often accompanies aging. Indeed he did know what I needed even before I knew it.

A Funny Mix

I attended a retreat for school counsellors organised by MOE yesterday. At the session I moved around with my colleague, the school counsellor from my school. So I went along and joined her ex classmates at a round table of young people perhaps all below 30. I felt rather out of place as they laughed and chatted catching up with each other. Suddenly one of them, a young woman likely to be in her mid 20s and who was seated across the table, looked at me and asked almost rudely, "Are you sure you want to sit with us?" I stared at her puzzled, wondering what she is driving at. "I mean we are very loud, you know" she continued. Seeing my speechless expression, one of her friends quipped, "only she is loud, we are not". Regaining my composure, I said "I am fine with it, maybe it will be more exciting sitting here".

I pondered why she made that remark. Did my facial expression betray any diapproving response whilst listening to their conversation? Did I look far too prim and proper for her liking? Did she find my presence suffocating or did I remind her of her mother hahaha? Phew! I was honestly a bit taken aback by such frankness. Then it dawned on me that she was probably taking care of me (counsellors are very caring you know). She probably felt I would enjoy myself more if I joined the elderly crowd. You have to know the dynamics in that ballroom of about 300 school counsellors to see where she was coming from. It was a funny mix. The crowd seemed to be equally divided into 2 groups at different ends of the age spectrum; a group of energetic young men and women and a group of patient and amiable looking elderly men and women nearing or post retirement. How does this age extremes come about? Some years ago after recognising the need to have counsellors in schools MOE embarked on 2 schemes. Firstly it opened an avenue for teachers to become counsellors after going through a crash counselling course. Another scheme incentivised retired teachers and principals to become part time school counsellors after receiving similar training. In recent years however, MOE revised their policy and differented school counsellors from school teachers ie. placed them on different schemes of employment. School counsellors came under the Allied Educators (AE)scheme which enjoyed less benefits than the EO or Education Officer scheme where teachers fall under. To help solve the problem of a shortage in teachers MOE now offered those teacher turned school counsellors an option to revert back to being a teacher. Those counsellors who chose to stay on will then be placed on the less beneficial AE scheme. Needless to say most young school counsellors chose to revert to being teachers. Those who opt to remain as counsellors tend to be the older ones. This explains the older group of school counsellors. What about the young crowd in the room then? Where are they from? Well, facing the shortage of school counsellors MOE subsequently recruited from outside any degree holders with or without counselling qualification, again providing training for thoses without. Amongst them are young social workers as well as young people from various disciplines searching for their ideal job fit.

However I do not belong to any of the groups mentioned above. I am more of a free lancer engaged by the school and not by MOE and added to the mean age of the crowd.

As the day progressed I felt rather bored sitting with that young crowd. They seemed really childish and their jest and jokes weren't funny to me at all. I was also stunned by the blunt remarks they threw at one another. I couldnt tell when they were fooling around and when they really meant what they said. Gosh this generation gap thingy is for real.

The youngsters dominated the dialogue session with the Dy Director of MOE, focusing on employment benefits, scope of work, etc. I recall only 2 remarks made by the older group at the dialogue session. One requested for the observation of a minute of silence for a colleague who had passed away recently, someone who had initiated and pushed for the school counsellors to be introduced in schools. Another remark was some kind of advice in response to comments made by a young counsellor about the unrealistic expectations of counsellors by some principals and school leaders.

At a break away session thereafter, we were told to work as a group to come up with 3words which we deemed best describe the role of a counsellor and to create a mission statement. 2 words were unanimously agreed upon by my group, namely "Care" and "Empower". There were differing views for the third word. I suggested "Empathise" whilst the same young lady across the table wanted the word "Change" and went rhetoric on why that word was so important. I could not be bothered to defend my suggestion. It was then put to a vote and "Empathise" won hands down. I felt a small victory! Who's really childish? Sigh...

Synchronicity

Synchronicity, as explained by wikipedia is "the experience of two or more events, that are apparently causally unrelated or unlikely to occur together by chance, that are observed to occur together in a meaningful manner".

I experience synchronicity occasionally in counselling.

Of late I am counselling an adult who has loads of self awareness and being trained in counselling herself, puts before me her own psychoanlaysis of herself. I tell you it's not easy when you are aware that your client is silently naming the therapy you are applying with her and perhaps doubting its usefulness. So I told myself I really need to think through and do some research before the next session.

Nowadays I am always wearing a earpiece whilst doing housework, listening either to BBC podcasts or some interviews etc. These I download into special folders in my ipod. I seldom listen to music. Conditioned as an utilitarian to make the most out of time spent on mundane housework, I will try to gain some knowledge listening to these podcasts. That particular morning however I hit on the music playlist quite accidentally and let the song run, thinking of switching back to my usual podcast folders when it finished. Strangely enough after the song ended a philosophy lecture came on in the 'music' playlist. It is really strange that I have wrongly downloaded the lecture onto the music folder and have quite forgotten about it. As I listened to the content of the lecture it strikes me that the information may be of great interest to my adult client and discussing it with her may help lead to even deeper insights.

You may call the above just a coincidence but I have encountered a couple of others as well. It occasionally happens when I go to fetch my child client from class to my counselling room, the teacher says it is not a good time for the child to miss his lesson. This happens when the teacher swaps the timetable a bit and is teaching a core subject. When this happens I may think of other students that can fit into the time slot thus changing my own schedule a bit. It happens more than once when I went to look for a substitute, it occured that something unpleasant had just happened to the alternate client. He or she could be in a fit of tears having jut been penalised by the teacher or something bad had happened in the family and the child needed someone to confide in.

There were also chance meetings with teachers or student care supervisors that provided very useful and much needed information about the latest develpment of a certain child.

Synchronicity or good coincidences may arise as a guidance from somewhere which is beyond our comprehension. If that is what I subconsciously believe, it explains what I did one night. That night before going to bed, I looked out of my window at the full moon. That day my thoughts were quite engaged by the reported behaviour of a particular child. I find myself thinking about his mother who committed suicide 3 years ago. I looked up at the sky and whispered softly "If you are there and if you can, please help me help your son."

Childhood memories

This morning finds me in school folding an A4 size paper to prepare working with my counselee to construct a snake and ladder game. The idea is for the child to identify specific good behaviour that are represented by forward leaps up the ladders and unfavourable behaviour which are like snake bites taking plunges in the teachers' approval of the pupil. As I sat doing this alone in the room amdidst strains of Malay gamelan music from the music room nearby, I whispered softly to myself "Let's hope this makes an impression." No amount of teachers' scolding and advice was of help for this 9 year old trouble maker. I picked up the idea of using such media from a book to drive messages across instead of using words.

I think about the strange impact of childhood memories and how sometimes even the most ordinary can leave a deep impression. The things which my children remember as a child often came as a surprise to me as they seem to be quite uneventful and unimpressionable when viewed by an adult. For example my son once related about the great tomato and egg soup served by the restaurants in HK which we visited when he was just about 6 or 7.

In the novel The Brothers Karamazov, the writer described how certain childhood memories affect the lives of the main characters. The eldest brother remembered the incident when a stranger bought him a pack of peanuts. That became the only pillar for his faith in human kindness. The third brother had a constant image of his mother lifting him up during his baptism which subconsciously became a motivating force in his religious pursuit. Their illegitimate brother was unable to assume an identity of his own because as a child the housekeeper told him he was not a human but was like the moss that grew in the bathroom; hence he had to leach onto the second brother as a model to follow blindly. The writer did not mention about the second brother having any childhood memories at all. This character was portrayed as a cold intellectual.

A dharma teacher once shared about his memories of his bus rides home as a child growing up in a small town in Italy. He would plonk himself at a seat just behind the single seat meant for the bus conductor. There he would watch the man counting the coins collected. That sense of warmth and well being of those moments propelled him to find more of such experiences in his life, thus motivating him to study the dharma and practise meditation.

My own good childhood memories centred around being loved and pampered by my maternal grandmother who remains in my mind as a passive but resilient figure in her quiet acceptance of the unfortunate things that happened to her family. She is my role model though I am still a far far cry from her.

In my dealings with the children I can only hope that messages whether told as a story, spoken by puppets, seen as drawings on a paper and figurines that stood out in a sandtray may dawn on some minds some time down the road.

Things They Do

The things that people do sometimes make us ponder over what we want for ourselves. The first is a doctor who is also the CEO of a company that created a device which uses the ambulatory blood pressure monitoring (ABPM) technology to help diagnose heart diseases and strokes in patients. So firm was his belief that the monitoring device will benefit patients, he used all his nest eggs (including the proceeds from the sale of 10 condos) to ride over the critical period during the SARs outbreak when seed money was not forthcoming. The final break through came about when the Chinese health authorities In Chengdu set up booths in rural villages equipped with the devices and which are connected by internet to the hospitals in the cities. The company is now worth about US$800m and is a target for acquisition or IPO. The inspiring part of the story is when this doctor decided to place his shares in a trust. The mission of the trust is to promote education, intellectual property and provide disaster relief. He looks forward to becoming a doctor again without the hassle of being a CEO.He wants to do things which he is good at which is being a doctor and inventing things.

Yet another story is about an English couple in their 50s who sold all their assets and purchased a yacht to sail round the world. Unfortunately they were kidnapped by Somali pirates and were detained for a year whilst the pirates demanded a huge ransom of 4m pounds which is well beyond the means of their family. During the one year they lived through fear and despair at the fringe of death whilst the British government advised their relatives against engaging in ransom talks with the pirates. In the end it was a Somali British subject who raised a sum of 600,000 pounds amongst the somali community in UK and through contacts and connections in Somali managed to secure the couple's freedom. The inspiring part of the story is when asked what they would be doing, the couple said they would return to sailing soonest possible. The frightening experience did not hold back their pursuit of their dream.

Most of us are conditioned to feel secure only when we deem ourselves to have sufficient reserves in the bank and when we are living in a familiar environment. Hence we hold back our dreams, or perhaps never dare ourselves to dream or perhaps even worse don't know how to dream.

Unwise, Why So?

"If you are politically aware, the votes would have been much wiser," maintained LKY at a dialogue with the students at NTU. His opinion I guess is that everyone that votes for the oppoisiton is naive and I believe many PAP supporters think so too. He also described what it takes to be politically aware, "To be aware of the political situation in Singapore, you have to be aware of the political divide, the way the economy is going, what opportunities there are for different groups of people." In my opinion, the point he missed out is that we have to CULTIVATE such awareness that he so precisely described.

Wikileaks On Singapore have disclosed a situation whereby younger SPH journalists are disillusioned in reporting local news and are clamouring for the positions of overseas correspondents where there is significantly less restrictions and more freedom in reporting. Below is an extract from the leaked cable:

"Singapore journalists say they are increasingly frustrated with GOS-imposed limits on their domestic reporting. Political leaders put pressure on the Straits Times (ST) staff to ensure that the paper's domestic coverage follows the government line. Reporters say they are eager to produce more investigative and critical reporting,but they are stifled by editors who have been groomed to tow the line. Some reporters seek an outlet for their journalistic passions by serving as overseas correspondents,where ST allows reporters much greater latitude..." No wonder young readers scoff at ST and obtain news online from other sources.

I just listened to a public lecture by Ed Balls at London School of Economics where he challenged George Osborne(Chancellor of the Exchequer)'s draconian measures to cut UK deficit and offered advice to modify the strategies. Ed Balls is the Shadow Chancellor (lead economic spokesman for the Opposition) of the Labour Party. What impresses me is the free dialogue with the press, students and public with a diverse audience both supporting and contending his views as well as that of Osborne's. Are the Brits born discerning than Singaporeans? No, there are brought up in an environment where alternative views are easily available in the 10 London Newspapers and 68 regional dailies and are thus trained to think.

Back home one may discount and mock at the economic strategies put forth by our own opposition parties just before the election, but it is at least a beginning. LKY's scorn is like a parent mocking at a child learning to ride a bike. The child gave up and never learnt how to bike. The paraent then labels the child as stupid!

What is hell actually?

Just finished listenting to an audio book "Crime and Punishment" by Dostoyevsky. The book has various themes and the main plot describes the tormented mind of an university student who killed a mean and unscrupulous pawnbroker. It is a very interesting book that involves psychology, moral arguments, human pysche, human spirit and behaviour in abject povery and also reflects the danger of being guided solely by utilitarian ethics . It describes the various level of defence the murderer put up internally to justify his crime. At one stage he compared himself with Napolean who caused mass bloodshed in his conquest for the glory of his country. He reckoned his own act of murder was more purposeful in that it got rid of an evil element in society. However deep inside him he knew he was deceiving himself and suffered severe mental agony, repeatedly obsessing and rejecting each justification.

I am currently attending Buddhist class and during the first lesson, the teacher talked about the various realms of after-life one of which is hell, with its detailed description of various levels of torture. The sceptics in class questioned the origin of such an idea as to whether that was really from the Buddha himself or created by his followers to help people refrain from doing evil. The description of hell certainly was mentioned in the Sutra but the teacher was not very clear when explaining the concept of hell. She alluded to an equivalent level of suffering as described in hell. More will be discussed in the next lesson but in my own mind the vivid and detailed description of the torture that goes on in the 8 levels of hell is symbolic to the mental agony that is a result of various levels of evil thoughts, intentions and actions. The mental anguish and torture is so well described in the book "Crime and Punishment", an example of which was illustrated by the murderer's frequent dilemma whether to end it all by jumping into the river. In fact thoughts need not be evil to evoke sufferings, unskilled thoughts like cravings and coveting alone will bring about anguish and misery.

If hell is a symbol of the mental torture of the soul, then heaven must be the state of mind when a person or his soul is at complete peace with himself. It will naturally follow then that skillful thoughts and actions will lead to such a state.

In my very layman perception, for every night that a person is able sleep soundly and peacefully, it may be an indication that he is probably on the right path.

Mental rigour

There is an article in today's ST about Alzheimer and how it afflicts people from around 60 onwards. Apparently in the brain of the sufferer a plaque of protein develops around the neurons and another type of protein then entangles inside the dying brain cells causing a shrinkage in the brain volume. The patient loses cognitive power, memory and even personality. What is quite frightening is the opinion expressed by experts that solving crossword puzzles or sudoko daily does not help to keep the disease at bay. It is believed that only rigorous mental activity may help and examples given of such activities are learning a new language or a new musical instrument. Of importance is the fact that such activities must be carried out before the onset of the disease. This is because once a person develops Alzheimer, mental activities may further deplete the remaining brain reserves!

Losing one's mental faculties is tragic but I think being aware that one's is on the way of losing them is extremely sad. I recall watching a movie entitled "Awakenings" which was adapted from a book written by a New York neurologist about his encounter way back in 1969 at a hospital in Bronx. The neurologist discovered that the drug L-Dopa actually helped "awakened" some patients who were victims of an epidemic of encephalatis years ago and which had rendered them to be in a state of mental stupor and motor immobility. However the drug proved to be effective only for a short period; and soon the patients reverted back to their original state of mental incapacity. Robert Niro gave a touching portrayal of a patient who regained alot of his original self only to realise he would be losing it again. I can never forget the poignant scene when he was recording his feelings in his diary before he lost himself again. I also remembered reading about our own ex Dy PM Rajaratnam who suffered from Dementia and how he wrote the names of his loved ones and their relation to him on the photographs to help him recollect his memories.

The thought that I may not be working my mind sufficiently scares me especially now when I am no longer holding a full time job pouring over documents and writing superflous papers. My part time job counselling children and thinking of strategies to reach out to them may not involve sufficient mental complexities. The writer of the ST article tongue in cheek suggested that the government gives subsidy for senior citizens to return to graduate schools.

I actually googled and found that SIM does offer a "General Studies" program where adult learners can choose from a long list of courses that lead to either a certificate, diploma or degree. A 10% discount is available for students above 50 years of age. A student can also choose whether he wants to go soley for the lectures and tutorials without taking the exams or to take up the challenge inclusive of assignments and exams. Well, if one wants to really work the brains one should opt for the later. There is no point just sitting in at the lectures, listening and dozing off (which is not unusual when age catches up). I guess if one does not want to spend on school fees one can always tune in to free university lectures availabe on the web; and to write a synopsis of each lecture to intensify mental rigour.

Whichever activity we pursue, self disciplined and commitment is most necessary to keep this dreadful illness at bay.

Confused

The powers of the President is in accordance with that prescribed by the constitution; that is clear to me. However I am quite confused as to what ELSE the President can do, such vagueness being caused by conflicting claims and promises made by the 4 presidential candidates.

Tan Kin Lian’s claim that more things can be done creates in my mind a picture of him hen pecking the government and wearing them out. (eg. He quoted issues like compensating the NS men more ). He jolly well knows that the President has no executive powers but sill maintains that we have to be positive. He said "If I were a Member of Parliament, I'd be just one out of more than 80 MPs ... But as the President, I think the issues I bring up would have better influence." Guess which pot is calling the kettle black when he commented on Tan Jee Say being a President who will spend his time quarrelling with the government when elected.

Although I will dismiss both the pot and the kettle, I am quite confused over how much influence a President can have on the government. Unless I form an opinion of this, it would be difficult for me to decide on my vote.

Tony Tan said that president wannabes should not dream of a post that does not exist. I agree with him that the Presidency is not the platform to confront the ruling party on their policies. However I do not really fully understand what he meant when he said that the President has a very important role especially during a period of global economic instability. He alluded to the significant role of the President being a custodian of the reserves. Are we supposed to be wary of an inexperienced President who will veto the ruling party’s proposal to draw on the reserves to tie over a financial storm? Drawing upon the reserves do not seem to be an issue with the opposition parties. The contention from the opposition parties is more on whether the President has the true power to check on the reserves. Is Tony Tan than alluding to the need for an experienced President who will not cause unnecessary trouble asking to open and check the books of the reserve?

Tan Cheng Bok’s claim that if elected he will exert his influence behind closed doors sounds quite reasonable. If so, does it mean that such influence is confined to areas associated to the rights of the President, or can such influence encompass issues in general? If the answer is the former, it would seem Tony Tan would be a better choice given his financial experience. If however the President can really exert influence over all matters Tan Cheng Bok may perhaps be a better candidate as I think he may be more vocal.

Well….only got a few more days to think through.
It doesn't help however when:
1) Singapore’s Law Minister K Shanmugam said Singapore would need to change the Constitution to allow the President to speak whenever he likes and on whatever topic he likes; and
2) Lee Hsien Loong said "But even beyond the custodial powers, more generally it is important for the President to work with the Government and the Government keeps the President informed on all important matters....we consider very carefully the President’s views, although under the system the final decision is made by the Cabinet."

??????

Finding the Right Environment

I was sharing with the new school librarian that some of my student clients would certainly have fared better had they been brought up in a more advantageous family background given their inherent brightness. She let out a sigh and said " men mu san qian " alluding to a chinese idiom which described how Mencius' mother moved her home 3 times just to get a right environment to help him become a great scholar.

I researched a bit about this idiom. Apparently Mencius' mother moved from a place near a cemetery to one near a market place before finally settling for a place near a school just to get a conducive environment to nurture Mencius' learning and wisdom. As I pondered about this I recalled comments made by my son about how the English 'air' (in England) inspires creativity thus explaining the high number of talented musical artists in UK. Now back for his summer holidays he lamented how he gets very little reading done during the weekends when he is not working. I told him it is probably due to the hot weather. I then thought about my own experiences, how when I spent 2 weeks in New York and also a similar period of time in Beijing I was able to spend half a day reading in the parks continuously. I also felt so fresh and alive. In Singapore I wouldn't last more than 2 hours even in the air-cond comfort of NLB overlooking the Singapore skyline.

My own deduction is that some people become more alive when they are close to nature or in a place rich in culture and history. Carl Jung described it as there being a spirit and soul in nature. Hence it may be difficult to feel this kind of spirit in a city state like Singapore with little natural and historical landscape . I presume being close to nature and history is inspirational only in relation to the field of arts and humanities and certainly not relevant to finance etc. In fact the Singapore skyline with the 3 towers of MBS may be quite inspirational for financial analysis or strategising to climb the corporate ladder, who knows.

This comes back to my point about finding the right environment for the right activity. Thus if Mencius' mother is prepared to move home 3 times to find the best nurturing ground for his son, we may consider actively seeking the most fertile environment for our own growth.

Therapeutic symbols

Attended a 3 day course on Sandplay Therapy and Symbol Works last week. Basically it is a form of expressive therapy that helps the client connect with his feelings, inner emotions and thoughts. Prior to the course I have already experienced symbol works to be really useful in helping a child who has difficulty articulating or who is too afraid to be reminded of some unpleasant experiences, express and act out his fears. I was unsure however whether the therapy was suitable for adults and also doubtful about its effectiveness through self healing. An article in the ST about NUH planning to offer this therapy to patients with emotional problems cleared my doubts and propelled me to go for the course.

We worked as a pair and my partner reponded well, as in her emotions really flowed during the third session. Seeing the impact on her I was more guarded and selected a trivial problem to work on ( I was afraid to shed tears in class). An example of symbol works is to have the client think of a problem and then from amongst many figurines and symbols displayed across the room, select items intuitively and arrange them in the sandtray. The client is then encouraged to talk about the picture/story so created if there is one or just randomly talk about what the symbols remind them of. Like I said I was quite guarded and my partner in her role as counsellor got me to talk about the small problem I faced.

However what I did not know was the lasting impact on me. For many days that followed the picture which I created in the sandtray remained in my mind. Not only that, I also began to realise the deeper meaning some of the symbols had for me. I gained a deeper insight into my needs and with that a firmer resolution seemed to emerge for what needs to be done.

Today I had a bit of a tiff with someone over how to help a child in school. It is sad to hear remarks that the child must just simply learn to behave, without trying to understand why the child acts out or why the child has so much anger in him. Today I used play therpy with him. He created a story of a group of good people and animals hunting high and low for certain treasures which was taken away and deeply hidden by some bad guys. Amongst this group of good people was a 'sleeping mother' which had to be ferried around in a boat (he used a sea shell to be the boat). All the while a few big looming bears which represented the "Masters" guarded over the good people. They finally found the treasures and brought the treasures home to be kept safely.

This 9 year old child lost his mother 2 years ago. He now lives with the sister of his step father. Maybe he has needs to feel safe?

Drugged

Had a bout of mild shingles a week ago. The doctor prescribed a week's dosage of a strong anti virus medicine which fogged my mind. The effect of this medicine on me is rather frightening because it is not just about being drowsy. For the whole week my mind was in a state of mild confusion and lack of clarity. For example, a few times I had difficulty recalling whether I had taken my medicine at the required time. I had to resort to counting the number of tablets left in each slab to work out the number of dosages I had already taken for the day.

Recently I read an article which described how a change in the brain chemistry can affect one's behaviour. In 2001 some sufferers of Parkinson disease in the US who were given the drug called pramipexole were found to have acquired an excessive gambling addiction. These were people who had never previously gambled in their life. Basically when a person suffers from Parkinson disease he has lost some brain cells which produce a neuro transmitter called dopamine. The function of the drug pramipexole is to impersonate dopamine. However dopamine in itself also performs another function which is to help a person weigh the costs and benefits of his actions,something like a risk audit. Any imbalance of this chemistry will lead to an impairment of this "risk check" function. Other patients who were given this drug were also found to become addicted to sex, drugs and over-eating. When the dosage was reduced their behaviour returned to normal.

I have at last finished the last dose of the prescribed medicine, and the fog also appears to have lifted. The pain in the affected area however still lingers. I would have gone running to the doctor again given my hypochondriac nature; but the fear of being robbed of the clarity in thinking stopped me. More than ever I see the importance for us to maintain good health and keep ouselves drug free. I dread the day when I have to choose between sustaining life and losing my own mind.

Weeding out Bad Faith

Embarking on the 57th year of life I feel the need to be 'wise', meaning to keep on discovering my inner wishes and living them out. Fortunately I have already taken the giant step to abandon a job that had required me to be consistently inauthentic putting on an act to meander around the whims and eccentricities of superiors and a false front towards business associates. Though I still occasionally fantasize about the beautiful holiday home I may be able to enjoy had I continued to draw a good salary, I more often than not feel grateful that I have the means to retire early from corporate life.

By far the biggest satisfaction is the liberated self, ie. being who you want to be. Indeed I want to carry this to a higher level, to avoid as much "bad faith" or self deception as possible.

Existentialists believe that human beings have a tendency to deceive themselves about why they do what they do. "Bad faith" is denying ourselves the freedom to choose and blaming it on external circumstances for not being able to do so. For example a person fears having to choose between being an artist or taking over the helm of the family business. When he convinces himself he has no choice (due to social and family pressure) he is acting in bad faith. These self deceptions can be so deeply ingrained in us that it becomes part of our belief system.

To be truly authentic one must uncover the true intentions behind one's actions and weed out self deceptions. To give a preposterous example, say I discover that I love Chinese calligraphy to a point that I can spend everyday of the week day and night at it and giving up my other commitments. However I deny myself the choice of doing that for fear of being frowned upon by my husband that I am not doing something useful. Hence I choose not to do what I love by convincing myself that I am better say at counselling or investing money which I may not really be.

What I am trying to drive at is that at this juncture of my life, I should continue to discover the things that I really want to do, something true to my nature and weed out self deceptions which create the false "whys" for what I am doing.

Hope

Listened to an interesting forum on the subject of 'hope' over podcast. 'Hope', it appears is not a topic in Buddha's teachings (according to one dharma teacher). It was reasoned that perhaps 'hope' is associated with expectations and may set a person for disappointment. One guy called expectations "premeditated resentment". Another participant apologetically but very bluntly described 'hope' or faith as leaving your brains at the church door.

Two other health care workers however spoke of the importance of 'hope' which helps patients to recover faster and fight terminal diseases. They felt that 'hope' helps to build resilience. Similarly, it was 'hope' and optimism that helped people survived concentration camps as another participant suggested. (I also personally feel that "hope" is a good strategy for counselling). On the other hand, one participant who suffered from cancer related her mental anguish when her open warfare strategy yielded no result. She then adopted an acceptance mode which brought her more peace and which she believed contributed to her remission.

The Dharma teacher felt that for Buddhism, it is more of trust where trust is opening ourselves to what's happening around us instead of creating a story to hide our fears. A participant opined succintly that whilst 'hope' is wishing an external factor will change our life, trust is knowing what we believe to be true and trusting ourselves to change our life with our internal resources.

I relate this interesting discussion to my own experience in counselling. In counselling we try to bring 'hope' by helping the client see the alternative steps that may be taken to alleviate a dire situation or a reframing of the attitude towards an irreparable one.

Something Lost

It was raining at the Tanjong Pagar KTM Railway Station on its last day of operation. I was lucky that morning for shortly after I arrived, a train pulled into the station. As I had been taking pictures at the platform, I was able to take a good shot of the approaching train from the barricade. Only when I turned to look behind did I realize that a crowd had piled upon me with camera held arms stretching high in the air.

The rain had given a grey tinge to the train platforms which enhanced the nostalgia in our hearts. I took a picture of the metal collapsible gate with the arrival sign. I could feel the angst and anxiety of the 15 year old me walking through those gates to join a secondary school in Singapore after years of Malaysian education. From then on until I graduated from University I would pass those gates yearly on my annual pilgrimage home. They were easily 10 hours of watching the plantations, jungle, kampong houses went by to the rhythm of the chugging wheels against the track and the occasional hoot of the horn. Without the help of ipods, handphones or even walkman, reading was the only other pass time. I remembered on one trip I had to hide my tears the whole journey whilst reading “Elephant Man” amidst the stares of other passengers. The stops at small towns provided brief breaks. Watching the passengers alight slowly I tried to imagine their background, the homes they lived in, the families they came from and wondered whether they led happier lives than me (long train journeys often induced moods of excessive reflections).

That same spot was still there that morning just like 40 years ago, at the Departure Platform with its long low metal table for the custom officers to check departing passengers’ bags for taxable items. My mother made regular trips from KL. I could almost see my mother unzipping her luggage bag filled with new fabric, zips and sewing accessories for my father’s tailor shop. The edges of a ten dollar note though lodged in between the folded fabric was visible. It would soon disappear after a few ruffles by the custom officers. Those were tense moments for me as I followed her through those custom checks with her poker face. I think of it now it was more to save the harrassment of having the luggage turned upside down, the custom people needed extras to buy their "kopi" (coffee).

I could have gone on and on reliving those memories but one can not always live in past. Soon I left the station and headed to People’s Park to eat “Xiao Long Bao” from a stall run by Chinese Nationals. The rain had stopped. I had intended to do some shopping but the crowd deterred me. I suppose my mind was still filled with scenes of small town Malaysia. They together with busy People’s Park are part of me but that night after the last train pulled out of Tanjong Pagar Railway Station, I felt as if something in me was lost forever.

Pack them in?

I have a classmate at taiji class who travels on an average of more than 4 times a year for leisure and has been to exotic places like Sudan, Nepal, South Africa etc. When she is not travelling she runs a factory and works 12 hours daily for 6 days a week and often goes back to office on Sundays after Taiji. She envies my semi retirement lifestyle but laments that for her retirement is not an option as her business sustains many people and looks forward to the day when her son can finally take over.

This morning she complained about weakness in one leg during taiji and let out a long sigh. I thought it must be quite bad and asked her how she felt. Instead she replied "So many more places to go. Don't know whether I have the chance".

2 days ago I listened to one of many podcasted lectures by Shelly Kagan (Yale professor) on the philosophy of death entitled "How to live given the certainty of death". He talked about how some people need to pack as much as possible in their lifetime given that our lifespan is limited. According to him, if given a choice most people will choose a relatively shorter life packed with good stuff to one long draggy century of "barely worth living" stuff. It also creates anxiety in some in that there is not much room for "do-overs", ie. you don't have the luxury of immortality to try a lot of things to decide what is the thing most worthwhile ie. make your life most valuable. So given the constraints, some may choose to pack life with easily attained pleasures "eat, drink and be merry" whilst others go for the "big potatoes" (lifetime achievements) whilst some settle for a mix of both the above in varying degrees.

The above however is based on a fundamental assumption that life is good and it is a matter of strategy how and what good stuff you want to pack in. He described it as a mainly Western outlook. What if, however, the assumption is life is no good and death is no loss? He described this as an outlook present in Eastern thoughts. He mentioned about the Buddhist concept that life is suffering and to free oneself from such sufferings one has to detach oneself from these good stuff. (The constant desire of good stuff and their impermanence when achieved also cause suffering as I see it). In addition death is terrifying insofar as one worries that it is the end of oneself. However, if there is no attachment to self, there is nothing to loose.

The professor however described himself as a child of the West who does not accept such a negative outlook. Instead he quoted a phrase from a poem which goes like "Once I lived like the gods, and more is not needed".

"Eat drink and be merry"
"Once I lived like the gods, and more is not needed"
"If there is no attachment to self, there is nothing to loose"
All the above are rich fodder for thoughts.

Obedient Wife = Happy Family?

My Malay counselee asked me a couple of days ago whether I know much about the OWC (Obedient Wife Club)which she has strong views against. I had come across that name but had not bothered to know more. She enlightened me about the OWC in KL advising its members to be a "first class prostitute" to their husbands. The club believes that satisfying their husband's sexual desires will prevent loads of social problems and curb the proliferation of prostitution. My counselee does not abide by the idea and thinks the club is advocating wives to be husbands' sexual slaves.

I do not want to disagree with her but instead I shared with her an encounter I had whilst interning at the Family Service Centre some time ago. A husband had called in to ask for counselling because his marriage was on the rocks. He was a young man of early thirties and was able to divulge frankly to me the circumstances leading to the emotional strife between him and his wife. The couple had a new born baby of nine months. His wife had denied him sexual favours right from the day she was aware of the pregnancy until the baby was already nine months. In fustration the young man secretly watched pornography and called sex hotlines in another room while engaging in self satisfaction. When the wife discovered his "secrets" she was abhorred and a cold war ensued between them excalating to the wife toying with the idea of divorce.

Fortunately the marriage had not reached a point of no return and I was able to persuade the wife to have separate counselling sessions with me prior to the joint sessions. To my greatest surprise the young woman had absolutely no knowledge of the physical needs of men. She covered her mouth in horror when I enightened her about the "comfort women" during the Japanese World War II and why the Japanese had to resort to such an evil crime. Armed with researches on the gender differences in sexual needs I highlighted to the young lady that the most common reason women gave for initiating sexual intercourse was to receive love, intimacy and care whilst the most common reason for men was just TO RELEASE SEXUAL TENSION. "Yes" I had told the young woman then and now repeated it to my counselee, "despise them (the men) for all you want about their primitive animal instincts but that is how they are constituted, it is like denying a tiger food!"

I can still remember that case was quite interesting and enlightening for me too. During the joint sessions when I encouraged both husband and wife to express their feelings, the wife described feelings which surprised the husband and myself too. Apparently after she caught her husband in the self satisfaction act (sorry I am too conservative to use the M word here) she could not thereafter remove imaginations of her husband engaging sex with different women whom he chatted with over the sex hotlines. Hearing it directly from his wife, the young man realised for the first time how his activities impacted his wife; and had to repeatedly assure her that not a tinge of emotion was involved with those other women.

I told my counselee that as absurd as the OWC sounds there may be a slight glimpse of good advice in what they are advocating. In fact if I don't remember wrongly, there is a Chinese saying or maybe Cantonese saying (Cantonese always have excuses for vices)that goes like, a perfect wife is one who has the social graces of attending officious functions and at the same time possesses the looseness of behaviour in the private bed chambers (yin fu). Perhaps the OWC just need to change their name and refrain from using the word 'prostitute'. Sure enough in today's papers, the OWC may have a branch in Singapore but probably with a different name, the "Happy Family Club"!

AMD?

The recent news about an old lady being mistreated in a nursing home highlights the problem of shortage in manpower to look after the sickly aged. One can only shudder at the thought of how much worse the situation will be like when the baby boomers become dependent on caregivers en masse. Our children will have to suffer the dilemma of putting us in nursing homes as it is literally impossible for them to quit their job to look after us, given the shortage of manpower and the fewer siblings in a family. It is already an economic strain on their generation to support an overwhelming greying population. I guess the baby boomers have a responsibility to keep healthy but even then it is inevitable that the day will still come when the body succumbs. The reported incident also gave a glimpse into the anguish and differing opinion faced by the children of that old lady in deciding the best care for her. One must also remember that a senile old folk can be a real challenge to look after and can affect the care giver emotionally too.

A few years ago when I visited a mountainous region in Malaysia, I was taken in by the enveloping mountain ranges. They seemed to look upon the world for thousands of years with unquavering tranquility. I remembered having a strange thought then, wondering whether it would be better for a terminally ill person to spend his last days in an abode admist those mountains instead of being wired up in a hospital. The strange thought was perhaps prompted by memories of a Japanese legend. The story has it that in a certain ancient town in Japan it was mandatory for old folks upon reaching 60 years of age to be carried up to the mountain where they would be abandoned. The story of course has a happy ending when the policy was aborted after the mayor recognised the wisdom of an old man who was hidden at home by his son. The story appealed to me in a strange way, not about the abandonment of course but more about dying naturally and with nature. Of course it is like a romantic fantasy of a city folk who runs to the doctor at the slightest health symptom. Having said that I am ever ready to opt out of life support or medical treatment when the situation is inevitable death or permanent coma etc. In this respect I am reminded that I have yet to make a living will or AMD (Advance Medical Directive).

(btw I found out that you have to appoint a person to speak on your behalf in case you can no longer communicate. Apparently the person can not be someone who is a beneficiary of your will. Hmm... rather problematic isn't it!)

George Yeo for President?

So George Yeo may run for President. I am delighted to read the news but his initial statements about himself being a "free spirit" and "not temperamentally suited" for the job keeps me pondering what he meant by that.

One of his American friends has written in to the ST forum page, describing him as " a man of vast talent and always a visionary......,slated to make the world a better place....and will go on as an extraordinary representative of Singapore". Indeed I am sure if he becomes our president he will make us all very proud. In my own words, I think he will "more than represent us" and by that I mean he is way way above us, the average Singaporean, in terms of wisdom and vision.

However, I wonder about the role of the President in Singapore. Is he just a ceremonial puppet? Although by law the President's approval is required to draw upon reserves and for appointment of senior civil servants etc, I think he acts largely upon the advice of the cabinet. Are these George Yeo's initial fears, the restrictions (politcally or otherwise) that comes with the job? If so I would rather he goes on to do greater things, maybe in the international scene or perhaps establish a new political party. For at his age and given his "free spirit" I am sure he will want to be authentic which is to act freely and not in conformity to various pressure (social or political etc).

However in today's papers I am also surprised that Tony Tan may join in the fray, quoting the importance of having a President who can "understand the complexities behind each decision the president has to make... during a period of enormous change". So a President can choose not to tow the lines of the cabinet too, is that what it means? If so, the political scene of Singapore is definitely changing and it is time for all of us to wake up too, starting with me finding out what is the real power of our president, hehe.

(btw I suspect Tony Tan may be nudged by PAP to run against Tan Kin Lian. As I found out, should the President block any decision on appointment of top civil servants, parliament with 2/3 votes can overule his decision. In fact parliament with 2/3 majority can amend the constitution and further thwart the powers of the president.
However if one day the ruling party does not have 2/3 majority then the president may end up with some real power. Is that what Tony Tan meant by "a period of enormous change"? Such being the case, PAP will need an affiliate to be President. )

Unforgettable

Convocation at Columbia University (known as Commencement Week) was a two day affair. The first day was the School ceremony (ie. Business School, Lib Art College,Engineering School etc each held its own ceremony) where students filed pass the stage as their name was called. The second day was a combined ceremony for all graduates of the whole University. So in the huge open field between the library and the Admin Building (both with Roman columns) thousands of young men and women doning the light blue gown were seated in blocks according to their faculty near the steps of the Library . Parents of various nationalities were seated in the open field. Speeches were made and the jubilant graduates from the various schools pitched against each other with their cheers and mascots on a beautiful day with the finest weather. The ceremony ended with both graduates and parents swinging to the rythmn of "New York, New York" from the band. Various formal receptions also took place in the evening for parents of graduates receiving different types of honours. All in all, it was a most unforgettable experience for the parents, maybe all choreographed to make them feel that the money is well spent haha.

As the campus grounds is vast and has beautiful architecture, there was great fun in photo taking as well. Whilst trying to find yet another beautiful backdrop my daughter spotted her friend from Singapore on a high vantage point at the Admin building busy taking pictures with her parents. She ran up the steps to meet her whilst my husband and I followed. As we were nearing I heard a man shouting out to me "Hey, I think I know you". It was the Spore girl's father. He said we were from the same tutorial in University. I had completely no recognition of this guy and checked with him the year we graduated etc to verify his memory. As I acknowledged the accuracy of the statistics, I struggled to place a name and face of him in my class. I really could not figure out how this balding and rounded fellow, now in his late fifties, would look like as a young man of early twenties. We exchanged names and realised that he was actually in a tutorial group ahead of mine which was based on alphabetical order of our last name. He is now retired and we shared the justification of early retirement. Anyway I asked him "So, what did you do after you left school?" In a flash it occurred to me how irrelevantly outdated the question was, asking a retiree what he did after he left school. Maybe, this question is more appropriate to be exchanged by our children. Whatever path we had taken seemed to be of little significance now. Hence after briefly sharing our ex-career, we engaged more with exchanges about our family and our interests at retirement. We seem to understand what we value most at the end of the day. An unforgettable experience at the 2011 graduation ceremony in Columbia U is one of them.
(click on picture for better image)

Sunset vs Starting Out

Watched sunset at San Francisco beach. As the sun in its last brilliance dipped gracefully into the sea spreading an evening glow everywhere, the skies took on beautiful hues of orange, red, peach, green and blue for all to behold. It seems to be telling us that this is what life should be, a life which when gone will leave behind beautiful images for others to keep.

I can feel my daughter's dilemma over the past 2 weeks as she stuggled with some career choices. The common cliche "follow your heart" may not be as simple or useful for someone who is launching a career. Rationale battles the free spirit, structured path competes with a less trodden one (with its high risks and returns), and a more forseeable future at home versus a romantic dream abroad. My advice was no help as it too alternated between "follow your heart" and "methodically weighting the pros and cons of each alternative". In the process I also realised the first advice may come from an irresponsible part of me wanting my children to live my unfulfilled romanticism.

Yesterday on CCTV4, a professor in China spoke philosophically about knowing our true self using the analogy of a story. An official had to make a journey to a far off town to assume officious duties. He was also tasked to bring a monk with him. For the journey he brought a trunk bearing food and necessities and important official documents. One night whilst the official was sleeping, the monk shaved the official's head and swapped clothtings with him and stole away. The official woke up the next morning and the monk was nowhere to be seen. He promptly checked his belongings. His trunk was intact (material stuff) and his documents were safe (duties and responsibilities) but he did not realise he had lost himself.

I guess no matter which part of the journey we are at, it is always important to be aware of our inner self and what for us is our own centre of our gravity.

A chapter and a book

About 4 years ago in 2007, there were many farewells for me. I resigned from the company which I worked for almost 30 years, bidding goodbye to many close colleagues. In the same year, my daughter left home for college education in the states. My maid for more than 12 years went home to Sri Lanka. My neighbour who shared the same backyard fence sold her house; whilst the neighbour on my left who is a diplomat was posted to Laos and moved there with his entire family. I can still remember waving to his adorable 5 year old son when the car left for the airport.

This diplomat neighbour has returned after a 4 year posting and is moving in next week after renovating his house. Tonight I am going to the States to attend my daughter's convocation. If she decides to accept a job offer in Singapore, she too would be back. In a flash, I think of this 4 year period like a chapter in a book. During this period I had to struggle to re-establish a new identity within myself. There was lots of time for reflection and letting the real needs surface. Though I can't say that I really know myself now, I think I am at least a bit closer to my inner self than before.

Also in a homecoming of sorts, I have in my book shelf amongst many old and brownish looking books one titled "Brothers Karamazov" by Dostoyevsky. When I was reading a book introducing existentialism a few months back, there was mention that Dostoyevsky, the Russian writer is one of the early existentialists. Hence my interest was stirred and I picked up the book by Dostoyevsky to read "again" with very little recollection of having read it before. The first page on the left upper corner was my signature and the date "7-6-76". I bought the book some 35 years ago! The book has 382 pages. To help me appreciate the book better I also surfed the net for some critical analysis and was surprised when someone mentioned that the book has 900 pages. Perhaps the guy had one with large fonts because mine has really very small font. However when I was about 50 pages to the end I became puzzled that the story was no where ending. I then scrutinized the faded cover only to discover there was a faint and almost invisible "1" after the title, denoting it to be volume 1. I told my son about it and he remarked that I set a guiness record for taking 35 years to read a book only to realise it is half way through. Somehow I feel it is also symbolic of me realising that I still do not know how my own story should be after 35years.

I went to the library to borrow the complete volumes and have just finished reading it. I realised that 35 years ago I abandoned the book half way which explained why I did not proceed to buy the second volume. In retrospect it was a good thing because I would never have appreciated the book as a young person of early twenties. Now with an additional 35 years of meeting, observing and engaging with various types of people, as well as my own self reflection, I can relate more to this epic novel about 4 brother who are each trapped in their own way, one a prisoner of passion and sensuality, one of intellect, one of spirituality and one of dire external circumstances. In a way my finishing this book after 35 years adds on to my recent feeling of homecoming.

Reformation

On the nite when the election results were being broadcasted, my daughter was having an election party with some friends in NY. I was trying to update her through email the latest news available at the various websites and CNA, when she called to say my news was outdated. She confirmed WP's victory in Aljunied, apparently from twitter sources, at just after 11 pm. I could hear a lot of excitment in the background. My husband and I then left for the Hougang Stadium to join in the jubilation. That probably was the first time in decades that I literally leapt up into the air and punched my fist.

My nephew-in-law made a comment on his facebook before election day that he was puzzled why so many people are angry with PAP. He then followed with a reminder of the great work that PAP has done. His comments drew an avalanche of comments from my other nephews and nieces and mine as well about the PAP's serious shortcomings. Sentiments and emotions aside, I am also quite puzzled at the spectrum of people against the ruling party, at least amongst those I know off. They range from my taiji classmates (a SME business man and woman, taiji coach, and even an ang moh retired teacher married to a Singapore man and who has taught in our schools before) to some colleagues in my school, to rich friends who live on passive income, to unionist secretly, to my husband's relatives who had been bullied and robbed off their farmland and livelihood as farmers and given pittance as compensation decades ago, to many young tertiary educated people and not to mention many overseas students. Many people have reminded me prior to polling day of the privilege I have to vote in Aljunied and trust that I would vote wisely.

I am glad I did my part. My only regret is that BG Yeo described as a man with IQ, EQ and CQ (cultural quotient) lost his minister post. I commented in the yahoo site that I respected him a lot but I had no choice. It was necessary to give strong signals to PAP to reform its modus operandi and attitude. It is quite frightening to see PAP's inability to draw good young people with passion into its party. I am really happy that the 6% drop in their winning margin will see some reformation in the Party. Hopefully a reformed and just PAP will start to attract the young again, without which one can hear the death knell of decadence in the distance. So, I am happy with the election results for it spells hope and renewal.

Cooling Off

Hmmm...I think I better practise Chinese calligraphy tonite prior to tuning in for the GE 2011 results to "cool off". Should WP fail to win Aljunied I would be so disheartened and vexed that I would probably punch the person nearest to me who is most likely to be my husband.

Release of my Repressed Anger

Haha I was asked why I have not blogged for days. As you could have imagined the past week I have been occupied with "national issues". I have acquired a new addiction of posting comments about GE 2011 on some websites including Yahoo Singapore.

It all started last Thursday. I was having a quick dinner at home with my brother and sister-in-law who have travelled all the way from Bukit Panjang to accompany me to the WP rally, when the door bell rang twice with no one in sight when I went to check. At the 3rd ring, a group of PAP people were outside the gate announcing the arrival of the PAP MP (the first 2 rings I supposed were pressed by the lackeys in preparation). The conversation went as follow:

MP: Oh you are having dinner?
Me: Ah yes, we are having a quick dinner and rushing off to attend the rally at Hougang Central
MP: Are you a WP supporter?
Me: Yes
MP: Are you going to reconsider?
Me: That's why we are going to attend the rally to see what they've got to say
One PAP lackey: Aren't you afraid your estate will be downgraded?
Me: Sometimes we got to sacrifice a bit what

I related the conversation to my children over skype and they could not believe that the PAP lackey was so dumb as to threaten voters. I told them the ministers are doing it too. Sure enough 2 days later, MM used the word "repent" for Aljunied voters who vote for WP (I am in Aljunied). Fueled by the sentiments at the rally I spent quite a bit of time at home visitng websites and venting my angry comments as well.

I find that I am especially emotional about the unfair play. So I have a comment which went like "I can not understand why anyone will support a party that not only cultivates personal self interest,but practices foul play in broad daylight (rezoning constituencies and using tax money to their political advantage)". I also have some comments about the party's haugtiness, arrogance, insensitivity etc. What surprises me is that whilst I write I am really very vexed and I feel hot and flustered.

Reflecting upon my emotions I suspect I may be projecting my repressed anger (over unfair play) on the PAP. As a child I received my primary education in a very prestigious school attended by many rich girls. Many teachers were obnoxious. They not only favoured those rich girls but also bullied the children from poor families who of course also never fared that well academically. A few of such hurtful incidents are still fresh in my head after almost half a century! Looks like the PAP is now offering me a chance to vent my long repressed anger and a chance for closure.

Awaiting the phone call

The whole of Thursday (my off day), I was waiting for a call from school. I was mentally prepared for a complaint against me by the father of one of my student clients. This primary 5 boy was referred to counselling by his form teacher last year for making small cuts on his hand. His mother claimed that he was stressed out from exams. Mum also shared with me that he often threatens to hurt himself if he does not get what he wants. We discussed and wondered about the anger within him and mum also shared her fears that the boy may be unduly worried that his parents are heading for divorce. She revealed that there is often much argument between her and her husband. During a more recent conversation she spoke about her trip to India praying for the child to be less rude to her.

Yes the boy is a perfectionist trying to excel in everything, hence the stress, but from my engagement with him I also understand more about his family background. The family is quite well off and travels often visiting rich relatives in Australia and India. The boy admires his father, apparently father reads widely and has a wall to wall shelf of books, father does very well in school, father this and father that. AND, father also mentions often that his son (the boy) is the head of the household when he is not around, a role which he takes seriously. The trigger to the boy's angry outbursts is usually when the womenfolk , ie. his elder sister and mother ignore him or are slow to agree with him or abide by his requests.

During the recent one month break mum brought him and sister to India for a grand tour of temples. The boy informed me that they visited 30 temples (could well have been an exaggeration though). I told the boy I was really impressed by his mum's devotion and commitment and wondered what mum prayed for mainly. The boy replied promptly that she prayed for the family's happiness. We then discussed what for mum was the family's happiness. He wasn't sure but when asked what actions of his would make mum happy, all he could think of was him doing well in exams and performing on stage. He couldn't think of anything else. Ok, I then asked him what actions of his will make his mum unhappy, to which he replied when he is angry and shouts at her. I then explored further (which can be rather tricky because children often do not like such probing and I have to stop or refrain depending on their body language) as to how he feels when seeing mum being unhappy. He thought very hard and with a shrug said "nothing". I persisted and showed him a chart with lots of feeling words. From a long list he picked "guilty". I then went on to affirm his good values etc etc.

Actually from what the boy shared with me over several sessions, I form the impression that the father is very male chauvinistic and although mum mentioned about the frequent argument between the couple, I suspect it is the husband who has angry outbursts most of the time. Although in my conversation with mum I have suggested that she advised her husband to refrain from mentioning about his son assuming the role of head of household, I doubt she even dared to bring that up to her husband.

The scope of a school counsellor does not include family therapy, although one can stretch the limit to include some advice when talking to parents. As mentioned in the consent form my contact with the family is the mother.

So on Wednesday I got the boy to work on some Activity Worksheets entitled good and bad habits, starting with his personal habits and moving on to family habits. So he has to draw good habits that he practises before moving on to the not so good ones. Then I got him to work on a worksheet with the following wordings on the left side of the page "Bad Habits can become very difficult problems! My family has a problem that is hard to talk about (draw the problem). The right side of the page is fully filled with a huge dream bubble. Below the bubble, these are the words "This is what I wish could happen (draw and fold).

Our friend drew 2 pictures, one depicting a table filled with plates of food (he said his family overeats) and another a picture of 4 stick figures with speech bubbles containing the word "shouting". He then shared that father shouts the most. In his dream bubble he drew 4 smiling stick figures and a drum. His wish was for the family to stop shouting and the drum describes his wish for everyone to sit down quietly and listen to him beating his traditional drum. Oh, he ever demonstrated to me once and the rythmn was so enchanting.

I asked whether he would like to show the worksheet to his parents. He said he would and I encouraged him. When he left the room I reviewed the wording of the worksheet "my family has a problem....". Will the parents take offence? Will the parents accuse me of trying to influence the child into thinking the parents have problems? Whatever the consequence I still feel that the parents must wake up to the environment their children are brought up in.

No one called. Maybe not yet or maybe the mother stopped him from showing his father the activity worksheet.

Feeling the loss of a Mentor

In the Chinese historical drama "Voyage of Admiral Zheng He", the emperor Yongle had a confidant who was a Buddhist monk whom he always bounced off ideas and got advice from whenever he was troubled or in a dilemma. The monk was able to offer unclouded and objective views from a detached onlooker perspective, albeit a wise one. He often empathised with the emperor's pain of being misunderstood whist introducing visionary policies for the good of the country. At one stage the emperor questioned in jest why he had to bear all the miseries whilst the monk kept his peace and calm.
The presence of an adviser to the emperor in historical dramas always offers some kind of relief in an otherwise heavy and serious story.

Our PM was recently asked whether after LKY, the post of MM (Minister Mentor) will be filled by another person. He replied that the post was personal to LKY as he was a "precious resource". Although in the net there are lots of critiscms and jokes about the PM's high esteem for his "eminent father", I personally feel it is of great benefit for the ruling party to bounce ideas off a visionary mentor. The only drawback of course is,unlike the monk who is detached, the MM may be conflicted in some ways or affected by emotions from his past deeds and experiences.

In many ways I feel it is the same with every individual. I think it is a blessing to have someone whom you can share your most intimate thoughts and troubles; needless to say you will be double blessed if that someone is wise. Visiting my mother's niche during Qing Ming reminds me of the loss of my confidant. Even though I often discounted or ignored her advice (because being of the previous generation she was often too pragmatic for my liking), she was some one whom I was not afraid to tell my troubles and problems. Of course there were also times when I walked off feeling worse or more angry than before for feeling misunderstood or let down by her practical and materialistic approach towards life. However looking back, she was on the whole more of a comfort than pain. It is unrealistic to have a mentor who is wise, with clarity in thoughts arising from calm detachment; and yet loves you much the same.

The Woman's Story

I love watching historical dramas from China. I appreciate their attention to details to build up the atmosphere in every scene and the very professional acting skills. The currently running serial "Voyage of Admiral Zheng He" is one example. In one recent episode I was almost brought to tears in a scene which showed the empress visiting a widowed palace maid who had earlier became the concubine of the emporor's rival in a political move. In a very touching scene, the empress whilst fighting tears shared with the maid her own heart rending worries about her two sons feuding against each other for the position of crown prince. She reminisced the happy days when they were young and described how all her life she had worked tirelessly for the family to be happy. Whilst both women wiped away their tears she stoically said that perhaps that was every woman's "ben fen" (responsibility and duty).

This is a common story that is ingrained in many women, especially Asian women. Is it really "nu ren de ben fen" to work tirelessly to ensure happiness amongst all her family members? Isn't that a tall order? There is also a common quote that "You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child". As long as women hold this belief and abide by the story that their happiness can only be achieved through the happiness of their children, it will be a long tough perilous road.

I went on to research a bit into history on what historically took place. Apparently the eldest son, Hongxi became the next emperor but did no harm to his brother. However it was Hongxi's son, upon succession tortured his uncle to death. Of course the empress had passed on by then, as much as she tirelessly wanted to do "nu ren de ben fen" in her own lifetime.

The Pack of Hungry Wolves

The way I see it the insults, cruel remarks and teasings on the web about PAP's youngest candidate can best be described as a pack of very hungry wolves, so severely starved and on a constant look-out for prey, pouncing on a helpless chick left unguarded out of the coop. It is therefore inevitable as it is a natural behaviour arising from severe starvation.

The ruling party pleas for the netizen's rational thinking alluding to the country's quantum leap to first world economic status, the stable government which attracted foreign investments, the able leadership this far etc etc. However many of its citizens reckon all these at the back of their mind but yet demand change to the one party system. It is almost like an instinctive or innate desire that sometimes defy logic. What do these wolves hunger for? It is as if these wolves were kept in an enclosure or maybe a zoo, were fed their regular meals, but could not live out their life as born hunters gaming at the first smell of blood. The hunter instinct is so well repressed that it bursts out in the form of imagined hunger so exaggerated that it has to be appeased at all cost.

Amongst the social causes that attribute to the fall of the almighty city of Ancient Rome is the decline in patriotism and allegiance to the state, a form of disengagement amongst the masses. This was accentuated by a decline in moral fibre. Citizens lost interest in the government as it became too distant for them.

So if the wolves are behaving hungry, it may still be a good sign. At least they are not lying in coma in their nurseries.