活着 (To Live)

Every Chinese New Year I visit my aunt, my father's elder sister. My father has 5 sisters and 2 brothers. Only 3 aunt and one uncle are still living, inclusive of this aunt who is 91 this year. Hers is a life which plays out like a TV drama.

As my grandfather passed away rather young, the elder son and daughters had to help earn money to support the family. Hence my aunt worked as a laundry woman whilst my father was an apprentice tailor. My grandmother was a very cold woman and never showered affection on the children. Even as a child, I remembered feeling the cold air in her presence.

This aunt married a relatively well to do man who ran a tailoring business supplying unforms to government hospitals and ministries. They have 2 sons and 4 daughters. As she did not receive affection she perhaps did not know how to show it to her children too. I remebered my cousins telling us they had never once been hugged or received any "molly coddling" from their mother. On top of that my uncle, the husband of this aunt, was a strict man who punished the kids by belting them. You can imagine the environment my cousins grew up in which explains the drama in each of their life.

My aunt's eldest daughter ie. my eldest cousin was influenced by the Communist movement that infiltrated the schools in Singapore in the late 50s. After high school she left home for studies in Beijing without her parents' knowledge and consent. That would mark the beginning of years of hardship during the Chinese Cultural Revolution and many more years before she could see her parents again. Disillusioned with the regime she later applied for permission to leave China. Finally she managed and left for Hong Kong where she had a pretty tough life, refusing financial help from her family. She also had breast cancer but is now cured.

My aunt's eldest son on the other hand was never such an idealist. Instead he joined the street gang in his teenage years. One year my aunt went to temple and the oracle stick predicted misfortune for this gangster cousin. My aunt prayed to Guan Yin and asked to bear part of the misfortune on his behalf. That year she met with a car accident and fractured her arm. To this day her forearm is a bit mishapened and has a deep and long scar. In the same year my cousin was involved in a gang fight and had all four fingers in one hand severed leaving just the thumb. He had used his hand to shield a parang that was aimed for his head! Upon recovery he was promptly despatched to Malaysia to help an uncle run a pawnshop and to be away from the street gangs. In later years he took over his family business. He is handsome, intelligent and attracts women like a magnet. He is now a divorcee and continues to change his constant companion rather frequently.

My 3 other female cousins have less drama in their life but do have their fair share of struggles. One cousin has a bout of depression which she managed to overcome. Another went through the pains of an adulterous husband whom she later divorced. Yet another had to put up with her demanding male chauvinistic husband. But which person does not have their fair share of struggles.

The youngest son in this family leads a life which also runs like a tv script. As a teenager he dated a distant cousin. Both families objected to their relationship and they were forced to break up. He graduated as an accountant and married another accountant. He then left for UK with his wife. Years later both husband and wife mutually agreed to embrace Buddhism as their life's focus. Hence one became a monk whist the other joined a buddhist nunnery in UK. A few years back my cousin defrocked and moved to Canada. Recently on his trip back to Singapore he met up with his childhood friend who is now a divorcee herself. I was told by my aunt they just got married. Both are 60 years old. What a big circle they have come.

All this may sound very gossipy but such background information is crucial before one can fully appreciate the drama my aunt has gone through. The point is I have been perplexed about the manner my aunt handled all these occurrences. Indeed her famous phrase in Cantonese is bu li ta men (don't care about them).But the fact that she asked to bear part of her son's impending misfortune undermines the sincerity of her "bu li ta men". She is also very frank and candid and never feels the need to hold back any information out of embarrassment. Indeed she often narrates an event ike a reporter, stating the facts with little emotion, occasionally punctuating her sentences with hollow laughter. Always the "bu li ta men" would be the concluding statement. I try to analyse which of the following possibility applies to her. Is she born without an emotional antenna or maybe possess one which is a poor receiver. Or could it be that she intentionally or subconsciously builds a screen around the emotional antenna to block transmission. Or could it be she adopts an acceptance attitude which Eckhart Tolle in his book "A New Earth" describes as accepting the "suchness" of things; almost like the characters in the Chinese movie "Huo Zhe" (活着). I can not really tell which of the above applies to her. However I am certain of one thing. She finds it stupid to worry and she often chided my mother, the great worrier. Another famous phrase of hers is dan xin you shen me yung (What is the use of worrying).

I am sure everyone knows of someone like that in their circle, someone who lives through life's upheavals and takes them in their stride. Perhaps these people live such that others can draw strength from their example to 活着.