I am rather perplexed at how children sometimes perceive things. 2 cases make me realise how impressionable a child can be and how their imagination or fears can cause them to spin wild stories around themselves.
Both cases involve the death of another child in their life. One boy related to me an event when he is responsible for the death of his "sister" who choked on marbles. He said those marbles were his and he failed to keep them away from her. When I checked with his mother to ensure the boy is not having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, his mum was aghast. The baby girl was his cousin and she passed away before he was even born. She did however choke on marbles.
Another boy 11 years of age related to me very vividly how his sister broke free from his mother's grasp, ran across the road and was knocked down by a van well before his very eyes. He said even now when the wind blows, he can feel his sister near him consoling him. I was stumped when his mum informed me that the only child she lost was when she went for an abortion some 5 years back after she divorced her husband. It was a female foetus and she did tell her son about it.
In the first case, I can imagine the child's overblown fears when adults warned of the danger of putting marbles in one's mouth. They must also have mentioned the incident of his cousin's death frequently.
I can think of one possible explanation for the second boy's imagination. The child could be marrying the notion of death first heard from his mother with that of a visual encounter with death probably on TV. As the boy currently has a tumultous relationship with his mother he longs for comfort from a loved one. Thus he romantisizes (possibly picked up from TV too) the presence of his sister in the wind.
It is known that children can become obsessed with a single glimpse of an image which can instil fear or fascination for months. The absence of an emotionally stable environment can accentuate such feelings. It is also common for children to feel guilty and responsible for things that occur, like parents' divorce and even the loss of a loved one. They may feel that these things happen because they have been naughty.
I just think we really need to be respectful with children's feelings and their sensitivity.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
活着 (To Live)
Every Chinese New Year I visit my aunt, my father's elder sister. My father has 5 sisters and 2 brothers. Only 3 aunt and one uncle are still living, inclusive of this aunt who is 91 this year. Hers is a life which plays out like a TV drama.
As my grandfather passed away rather young, the elder son and daughters had to help earn money to support the family. Hence my aunt worked as a laundry woman whilst my father was an apprentice tailor. My grandmother was a very cold woman and never showered affection on the children. Even as a child, I remembered feeling the cold air in her presence.
This aunt married a relatively well to do man who ran a tailoring business supplying unforms to government hospitals and ministries. They have 2 sons and 4 daughters. As she did not receive affection she perhaps did not know how to show it to her children too. I remebered my cousins telling us they had never once been hugged or received any "molly coddling" from their mother. On top of that my uncle, the husband of this aunt, was a strict man who punished the kids by belting them. You can imagine the environment my cousins grew up in which explains the drama in each of their life.
My aunt's eldest daughter ie. my eldest cousin was influenced by the Communist movement that infiltrated the schools in Singapore in the late 50s. After high school she left home for studies in Beijing without her parents' knowledge and consent. That would mark the beginning of years of hardship during the Chinese Cultural Revolution and many more years before she could see her parents again. Disillusioned with the regime she later applied for permission to leave China. Finally she managed and left for Hong Kong where she had a pretty tough life, refusing financial help from her family. She also had breast cancer but is now cured.
My aunt's eldest son on the other hand was never such an idealist. Instead he joined the street gang in his teenage years. One year my aunt went to temple and the oracle stick predicted misfortune for this gangster cousin. My aunt prayed to Guan Yin and asked to bear part of the misfortune on his behalf. That year she met with a car accident and fractured her arm. To this day her forearm is a bit mishapened and has a deep and long scar. In the same year my cousin was involved in a gang fight and had all four fingers in one hand severed leaving just the thumb. He had used his hand to shield a parang that was aimed for his head! Upon recovery he was promptly despatched to Malaysia to help an uncle run a pawnshop and to be away from the street gangs. In later years he took over his family business. He is handsome, intelligent and attracts women like a magnet. He is now a divorcee and continues to change his constant companion rather frequently.
My 3 other female cousins have less drama in their life but do have their fair share of struggles. One cousin has a bout of depression which she managed to overcome. Another went through the pains of an adulterous husband whom she later divorced. Yet another had to put up with her demanding male chauvinistic husband. But which person does not have their fair share of struggles.
The youngest son in this family leads a life which also runs like a tv script. As a teenager he dated a distant cousin. Both families objected to their relationship and they were forced to break up. He graduated as an accountant and married another accountant. He then left for UK with his wife. Years later both husband and wife mutually agreed to embrace Buddhism as their life's focus. Hence one became a monk whist the other joined a buddhist nunnery in UK. A few years back my cousin defrocked and moved to Canada. Recently on his trip back to Singapore he met up with his childhood friend who is now a divorcee herself. I was told by my aunt they just got married. Both are 60 years old. What a big circle they have come.
All this may sound very gossipy but such background information is crucial before one can fully appreciate the drama my aunt has gone through. The point is I have been perplexed about the manner my aunt handled all these occurrences. Indeed her famous phrase in Cantonese is bu li ta men (don't care about them).But the fact that she asked to bear part of her son's impending misfortune undermines the sincerity of her "bu li ta men". She is also very frank and candid and never feels the need to hold back any information out of embarrassment. Indeed she often narrates an event ike a reporter, stating the facts with little emotion, occasionally punctuating her sentences with hollow laughter. Always the "bu li ta men" would be the concluding statement. I try to analyse which of the following possibility applies to her. Is she born without an emotional antenna or maybe possess one which is a poor receiver. Or could it be that she intentionally or subconsciously builds a screen around the emotional antenna to block transmission. Or could it be she adopts an acceptance attitude which Eckhart Tolle in his book "A New Earth" describes as accepting the "suchness" of things; almost like the characters in the Chinese movie "Huo Zhe" (活着). I can not really tell which of the above applies to her. However I am certain of one thing. She finds it stupid to worry and she often chided my mother, the great worrier. Another famous phrase of hers is dan xin you shen me yung (What is the use of worrying).
I am sure everyone knows of someone like that in their circle, someone who lives through life's upheavals and takes them in their stride. Perhaps these people live such that others can draw strength from their example to 活着.
As my grandfather passed away rather young, the elder son and daughters had to help earn money to support the family. Hence my aunt worked as a laundry woman whilst my father was an apprentice tailor. My grandmother was a very cold woman and never showered affection on the children. Even as a child, I remembered feeling the cold air in her presence.
This aunt married a relatively well to do man who ran a tailoring business supplying unforms to government hospitals and ministries. They have 2 sons and 4 daughters. As she did not receive affection she perhaps did not know how to show it to her children too. I remebered my cousins telling us they had never once been hugged or received any "molly coddling" from their mother. On top of that my uncle, the husband of this aunt, was a strict man who punished the kids by belting them. You can imagine the environment my cousins grew up in which explains the drama in each of their life.
My aunt's eldest daughter ie. my eldest cousin was influenced by the Communist movement that infiltrated the schools in Singapore in the late 50s. After high school she left home for studies in Beijing without her parents' knowledge and consent. That would mark the beginning of years of hardship during the Chinese Cultural Revolution and many more years before she could see her parents again. Disillusioned with the regime she later applied for permission to leave China. Finally she managed and left for Hong Kong where she had a pretty tough life, refusing financial help from her family. She also had breast cancer but is now cured.
My aunt's eldest son on the other hand was never such an idealist. Instead he joined the street gang in his teenage years. One year my aunt went to temple and the oracle stick predicted misfortune for this gangster cousin. My aunt prayed to Guan Yin and asked to bear part of the misfortune on his behalf. That year she met with a car accident and fractured her arm. To this day her forearm is a bit mishapened and has a deep and long scar. In the same year my cousin was involved in a gang fight and had all four fingers in one hand severed leaving just the thumb. He had used his hand to shield a parang that was aimed for his head! Upon recovery he was promptly despatched to Malaysia to help an uncle run a pawnshop and to be away from the street gangs. In later years he took over his family business. He is handsome, intelligent and attracts women like a magnet. He is now a divorcee and continues to change his constant companion rather frequently.
My 3 other female cousins have less drama in their life but do have their fair share of struggles. One cousin has a bout of depression which she managed to overcome. Another went through the pains of an adulterous husband whom she later divorced. Yet another had to put up with her demanding male chauvinistic husband. But which person does not have their fair share of struggles.
The youngest son in this family leads a life which also runs like a tv script. As a teenager he dated a distant cousin. Both families objected to their relationship and they were forced to break up. He graduated as an accountant and married another accountant. He then left for UK with his wife. Years later both husband and wife mutually agreed to embrace Buddhism as their life's focus. Hence one became a monk whist the other joined a buddhist nunnery in UK. A few years back my cousin defrocked and moved to Canada. Recently on his trip back to Singapore he met up with his childhood friend who is now a divorcee herself. I was told by my aunt they just got married. Both are 60 years old. What a big circle they have come.
All this may sound very gossipy but such background information is crucial before one can fully appreciate the drama my aunt has gone through. The point is I have been perplexed about the manner my aunt handled all these occurrences. Indeed her famous phrase in Cantonese is bu li ta men (don't care about them).But the fact that she asked to bear part of her son's impending misfortune undermines the sincerity of her "bu li ta men". She is also very frank and candid and never feels the need to hold back any information out of embarrassment. Indeed she often narrates an event ike a reporter, stating the facts with little emotion, occasionally punctuating her sentences with hollow laughter. Always the "bu li ta men" would be the concluding statement. I try to analyse which of the following possibility applies to her. Is she born without an emotional antenna or maybe possess one which is a poor receiver. Or could it be that she intentionally or subconsciously builds a screen around the emotional antenna to block transmission. Or could it be she adopts an acceptance attitude which Eckhart Tolle in his book "A New Earth" describes as accepting the "suchness" of things; almost like the characters in the Chinese movie "Huo Zhe" (活着). I can not really tell which of the above applies to her. However I am certain of one thing. She finds it stupid to worry and she often chided my mother, the great worrier. Another famous phrase of hers is dan xin you shen me yung (What is the use of worrying).
I am sure everyone knows of someone like that in their circle, someone who lives through life's upheavals and takes them in their stride. Perhaps these people live such that others can draw strength from their example to 活着.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Prejudice
I received my primary and early secondary education in a Christian school in KL. The principal was a devouted Christian and practised all the virtues of one. She was the "angel" whom many girls modelled their life and faith. I too was a Christian until I came to Singapore and drifted from the religion. As irrational as it sounds, I became rather prejudiced against Christianity largely due to my disgust with the hipocratic behaviour of many Christians in school (which was later reinforced by those at work). As I grew older and the intellectual mind became more dominant, Christianity could no longer stand up to my logical interrogations. Faith was needed but it did not surface. I look for a belief that is more inclusive and not exclusive.
Yesterday I had a session with a 10 year old child who is his teacher's bane. His conduct distracts the class and the teacher breathes down his neck. She calls his mother who beats him up whenever she is stressed by the teacher's call. That makes him hates the teacher more and he becomes more rebellious which then of course makes him act out further, in short a vicious circle in full swing. Teacher declares she has tried both soft and harsh methods to no avail. No amount of trying on my part, directly and indirectly, to reframe his negative opinion of his teacher helps. After breaking down in bitter tears, the boy declares flatly in my face he will never change unless he is transferred to another class. We sat quiet for quite a while. Fortunately we are taught in counseslling class that it is alright to be silent. It gives time for both counselor and client to reflect. On this occasion I was actually at a lost what to do. After a while, he started to mumble, "I hate everyone, I love no one, I only love Jesus".
We talked a bit about how he knows Jesus although he doesn't attend Church. In that instance a hymn which I sung in my primary school started to play in my mind and I started singing:
" In my needs Jesus found me
Put his strong arms around me
Brought me safe home, into the shelter of the fold"
"Hey you also know Jesus?" the boy exclaimed.
So I spent the rest of the session teaching him to sing the song and explaining the meaning of the lyrics like "In my needs" and "shelter". I wrote the lyrics on a piece of paper for him and told him to look at it when he is distressed in class.
He requested that I bring books about Jesus for the next session. "Bring many books about Jesus," he said.
Sure, I will do that; in fact I will be using Jesus at least till I figure a better therapy!
Also as irrational as it sounds, I became a tinge less prejudiced.
Yesterday I had a session with a 10 year old child who is his teacher's bane. His conduct distracts the class and the teacher breathes down his neck. She calls his mother who beats him up whenever she is stressed by the teacher's call. That makes him hates the teacher more and he becomes more rebellious which then of course makes him act out further, in short a vicious circle in full swing. Teacher declares she has tried both soft and harsh methods to no avail. No amount of trying on my part, directly and indirectly, to reframe his negative opinion of his teacher helps. After breaking down in bitter tears, the boy declares flatly in my face he will never change unless he is transferred to another class. We sat quiet for quite a while. Fortunately we are taught in counseslling class that it is alright to be silent. It gives time for both counselor and client to reflect. On this occasion I was actually at a lost what to do. After a while, he started to mumble, "I hate everyone, I love no one, I only love Jesus".
We talked a bit about how he knows Jesus although he doesn't attend Church. In that instance a hymn which I sung in my primary school started to play in my mind and I started singing:
" In my needs Jesus found me
Put his strong arms around me
Brought me safe home, into the shelter of the fold"
"Hey you also know Jesus?" the boy exclaimed.
So I spent the rest of the session teaching him to sing the song and explaining the meaning of the lyrics like "In my needs" and "shelter". I wrote the lyrics on a piece of paper for him and told him to look at it when he is distressed in class.
He requested that I bring books about Jesus for the next session. "Bring many books about Jesus," he said.
Sure, I will do that; in fact I will be using Jesus at least till I figure a better therapy!
Also as irrational as it sounds, I became a tinge less prejudiced.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Modes of Healing
Sometimes bits and pieces of your past experience and knowledge come together in a moment like a jigzaw. Many years before I obtained my Master in Counselling, I pursued an education known as "Holistic Counselling" offered by a College in Australia, as a part time student. Amongst others, the syllabus included Claywork & Artistic Therapy, Colour & Artistic Communication as well as Visualisation, Sound, Gesture and Movement Therapy. Although I found the Artistic Communication, Sandtray and Claywork useful, I was quite sceptical about the visualisation, sound and gesture bit of the course. I remembered thinking it a bit weird to ask your client to step into the pain, be with it or exaggerate it, step out, draw it and ask yourself what kind of sound or image can help to wash away the pain. With that image in mind (usually an archetype image) the client is then asked to make the gesture and sound to dissipate the wounded part. A bit of a mumbo jumbo I thought.
My current dealings with children and observing how they express so well with media like art and play therapy check my sceptism on the therapeutic aspects of visualisation and movements. I remembered a session with a child of ten who needed moral support to survive living with a divorcee mum who has several short relationships with her partners. He was wriggling on a sofa instead of sitting up straight. I asked him who he was to which he replied he was an earthworm. He wanted to bury himself inside the earth and to hell with what was going on above him.
I have of late been listening to the web broadcast on discussions of the book "A New Earth" and I got a tip about supporting children who are living in the crossfire of their parents' negative emotions. The main thing was to help them "awaken the witnessing faculty" ie. to be aware that they are not part of this war. How well this connects with what I observed in the child and his gestures as an earthworm to validate his feelings.
Another tip from the book is to accept your emotions instead of trying to push them away. For example, if you have guilty feelings about your role as a parent (which I discussed in my previous blog), you should just accept that feeling as part and parcel of parenting. So instead of telling yourself you hate the guilty feeling which makes you even more sad, angry and what nots, you tell yourself this is a common feeling amongst parents and it comes with parenting; and who ever says parenting should be a one joyous journey huh? Accepting the "suchness" of things helps you to be more compassionate toward yourself.
But coming back to my original discussion about the gesture and visualisation bit. A few days ago I was having some sort of anxiety episode and feeling most uncomfortable. Instead of hating it, I told myself to try and accept it. "OK it is here to stay," I told myself. Then the old teachings from my Holistic Counselling course rattled in me and I thought why not try it on myself; and this was how it went:
Which part of my body hurts and how does it feel? Answer-My heart, it is tight and I am like a bit breathless.
What does it look like, the pain, describe it? Answer-It is like a small cut in the heart, a bit of blood is tricklings out whilst a small knife is softly prying the wound.
Stay with it for a few moments.
What can help heal the wound (visualisation)? I thought a while. Answer- I think a large leaf with medical herb (like the one used by the Egytian nomads on the burnt body of the English Patient) can ease the pain.
I apply that medical leaf over my little wound. I kept that image for a long time. I felt its healing effect which slowed down my breathing. Hmm... you know what, I fell asleep afterwards.
( I am rather pleased with this trial. I shall continue working on it. Perhaps the issue wasn't that big, hence doesnt take a lot to overcome. Perhaps it was after lunch too. Still, doesn't it resonate with play therapy when children imagine the desired outcome in their play? )
My current dealings with children and observing how they express so well with media like art and play therapy check my sceptism on the therapeutic aspects of visualisation and movements. I remembered a session with a child of ten who needed moral support to survive living with a divorcee mum who has several short relationships with her partners. He was wriggling on a sofa instead of sitting up straight. I asked him who he was to which he replied he was an earthworm. He wanted to bury himself inside the earth and to hell with what was going on above him.
I have of late been listening to the web broadcast on discussions of the book "A New Earth" and I got a tip about supporting children who are living in the crossfire of their parents' negative emotions. The main thing was to help them "awaken the witnessing faculty" ie. to be aware that they are not part of this war. How well this connects with what I observed in the child and his gestures as an earthworm to validate his feelings.
Another tip from the book is to accept your emotions instead of trying to push them away. For example, if you have guilty feelings about your role as a parent (which I discussed in my previous blog), you should just accept that feeling as part and parcel of parenting. So instead of telling yourself you hate the guilty feeling which makes you even more sad, angry and what nots, you tell yourself this is a common feeling amongst parents and it comes with parenting; and who ever says parenting should be a one joyous journey huh? Accepting the "suchness" of things helps you to be more compassionate toward yourself.
But coming back to my original discussion about the gesture and visualisation bit. A few days ago I was having some sort of anxiety episode and feeling most uncomfortable. Instead of hating it, I told myself to try and accept it. "OK it is here to stay," I told myself. Then the old teachings from my Holistic Counselling course rattled in me and I thought why not try it on myself; and this was how it went:
Which part of my body hurts and how does it feel? Answer-My heart, it is tight and I am like a bit breathless.
What does it look like, the pain, describe it? Answer-It is like a small cut in the heart, a bit of blood is tricklings out whilst a small knife is softly prying the wound.
Stay with it for a few moments.
What can help heal the wound (visualisation)? I thought a while. Answer- I think a large leaf with medical herb (like the one used by the Egytian nomads on the burnt body of the English Patient) can ease the pain.
I apply that medical leaf over my little wound. I kept that image for a long time. I felt its healing effect which slowed down my breathing. Hmm... you know what, I fell asleep afterwards.
( I am rather pleased with this trial. I shall continue working on it. Perhaps the issue wasn't that big, hence doesnt take a lot to overcome. Perhaps it was after lunch too. Still, doesn't it resonate with play therapy when children imagine the desired outcome in their play? )
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