When I was small I thrived to be praised by my mother. Amongst the 5 children in the family I was the most hardworking and apparently cared most about the family. So I not only did my fair share of the household chores and helping out in the shop but was also half a nanny to my younger brother. Perhaps only then could I distinguish myself and got my mother's attention and approval. But I did not carry out these chores with a smiling face, quite the contrary I used to pull a long face because they deprived me of much valuable time for play and homework. In fact I did not play at all and even today I don't really know how to have fun. If I don't do something useful I feel listless and moody. Now with the school vacation approaching I began to wonder again how to make myself "useful". This reminds me of an earlier blog where I questioned who I was actually trying to help when a student did not respond as if I was of help to him.
Today, however after a small incident that sent me into a whirlpool of reflection, I suddenly whispered to myself "maybe there is no need to be the "good" girl all the time. It is ok if mama had called me lazy, selfish and good for nothing". I do not need to apologize for being that. In my recollection I can count perhaps ony 2 to 3 times she called me that. Isn't that too high a price to pay for such an achievement?
With that thought I suddenly felt a huge relief. I gave myself permission to stop caring about certain things and felt no guilt watching a TV serial for hours.
Ain't I pathetic? But well, at least like an onion, I have peeled off one layer of skin to know myself.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Values & Attitudes of your Father & Grandfather
When asked what he felt were important values and attitudes youths in Singapore should have for Singapore to thrive and prosper, MM Lee in the NUS forum replied "You should have the same values and attitudes that your father and your grandfather had".
He is referring to the values of hardwork and the attitude to push very hard for success and success is of course in material terms, standards of living etc I presume.
Perhaps such values are appropriate for the country to thrive and prosper, but I may be a bit apprehensive for my children to adopt certain of my attitudes which were conditioned from childhood.
As I grow older, I can not help but admire the free spiritedness of some youths who work say for a year or 2, save sufficiently and then take another year or 2 off work to travel or stay at the remotest corner of the world or do something which they are passionate about. It is as if they worry there may be no tomorrow. For us, the baby boomers our lifelong belief is we need to provide for the perpectual tomorrow. Thus whilst we are conditioned to be afraid that there is never enough, we missed out on discovering that which may be most meaningful and ecstatic for us. (Ecstasy in Greek (ek-stasis) means to be outside the ego).
Maybe I am undergoing a second spring haha, but I feel this kind of "Just do it" attitude is also essential for holistic development. Otherwise the inner self may feel trapped and the banality of life may create an empty feeling.
He is referring to the values of hardwork and the attitude to push very hard for success and success is of course in material terms, standards of living etc I presume.
Perhaps such values are appropriate for the country to thrive and prosper, but I may be a bit apprehensive for my children to adopt certain of my attitudes which were conditioned from childhood.
As I grow older, I can not help but admire the free spiritedness of some youths who work say for a year or 2, save sufficiently and then take another year or 2 off work to travel or stay at the remotest corner of the world or do something which they are passionate about. It is as if they worry there may be no tomorrow. For us, the baby boomers our lifelong belief is we need to provide for the perpectual tomorrow. Thus whilst we are conditioned to be afraid that there is never enough, we missed out on discovering that which may be most meaningful and ecstatic for us. (Ecstasy in Greek (ek-stasis) means to be outside the ego).
Maybe I am undergoing a second spring haha, but I feel this kind of "Just do it" attitude is also essential for holistic development. Otherwise the inner self may feel trapped and the banality of life may create an empty feeling.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Our Needs
I share with some students the 5 Basic Needs under the Choice Theory Reality Therapy. Basically it suggests that we have these needs in varying degree; but they are all essential for our well being. The needs include, Survival needs, Love & Belonging (can be met by pets too), Fun & Learning, Freedom and Power (which is self esteem, success or achievement). Choice theory explains that everything we do is chosen and every behavior is our best attempt to get what we want to satisfy our needs (Glasser). A basic goal of Reality Therapy is to help clients learn better ways of fulfilling their needs.
Thinking about it however, I wonder whether the theory is sufficiently comprehensive. Such reasoning may work for many but I think there are some people who seem to have met all the 5 or could have easily achieved them if so desired; but are still depressed or experiencing emptiness or void. The theory is a very practical approach and aims to help clients look forward, advocating that what they do and think impact the way they feel; and they have choices on how to behave and think. It is easier to control what you do and think than how you feel. So for eg. if a person feels depressed, the person can choose to say go for a walk as a first step to improve his condition.
The theory however fails to address the unconscious and the powerful influence of the unconscious on how we think and feel. A primary 6 girl once shared with me why she embraced a pop star such that she not only dresses like the star but even imitates her mannerism including trying to acquire the same ascent. She told me it was because she (my client) does not know herself ie. she does not know who she is (identity crisis). Perhaps this is what Jung has described as the struggle for individuation, "the conscious realisation and fulfilment of a person's unique being".
As Rollo May (psychiatrist/writer) puts it there is "the tendency of men to see only themselves in other people’s eyes.... The less self awareness a person has, the more he is unfree.The more he is controlled by inhibitions, repressions, childhood conditionings (which he has consciously “forgotten” but which still drive him unconsciously), the more he is pushed by forces over which he has no control. Freedom is man’s capacity to take a hand in his own development. It is our capacity to mould ourselves".
But to do that we must first of all build that inner strength and have a sense of direction, knowing what self-world stance (self with the world relationship) we want to take.
Rightly or wrongly I assured my young friend not to panic and that it is a gradual process as one grows and matures one develops a deeper self awareness and understanding of one's own values, beliefs and things that hold dear to one's heart, as well as how one wants to live one's life (the role one wants to play etc).
What I didn't tell her is: It may indeed be a very long process!
Thinking about it however, I wonder whether the theory is sufficiently comprehensive. Such reasoning may work for many but I think there are some people who seem to have met all the 5 or could have easily achieved them if so desired; but are still depressed or experiencing emptiness or void. The theory is a very practical approach and aims to help clients look forward, advocating that what they do and think impact the way they feel; and they have choices on how to behave and think. It is easier to control what you do and think than how you feel. So for eg. if a person feels depressed, the person can choose to say go for a walk as a first step to improve his condition.
The theory however fails to address the unconscious and the powerful influence of the unconscious on how we think and feel. A primary 6 girl once shared with me why she embraced a pop star such that she not only dresses like the star but even imitates her mannerism including trying to acquire the same ascent. She told me it was because she (my client) does not know herself ie. she does not know who she is (identity crisis). Perhaps this is what Jung has described as the struggle for individuation, "the conscious realisation and fulfilment of a person's unique being".
As Rollo May (psychiatrist/writer) puts it there is "the tendency of men to see only themselves in other people’s eyes.... The less self awareness a person has, the more he is unfree.The more he is controlled by inhibitions, repressions, childhood conditionings (which he has consciously “forgotten” but which still drive him unconsciously), the more he is pushed by forces over which he has no control. Freedom is man’s capacity to take a hand in his own development. It is our capacity to mould ourselves".
But to do that we must first of all build that inner strength and have a sense of direction, knowing what self-world stance (self with the world relationship) we want to take.
Rightly or wrongly I assured my young friend not to panic and that it is a gradual process as one grows and matures one develops a deeper self awareness and understanding of one's own values, beliefs and things that hold dear to one's heart, as well as how one wants to live one's life (the role one wants to play etc).
What I didn't tell her is: It may indeed be a very long process!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
whose needs is it anyway
I have a student client who is in primary 5 whose mother requested for counselling because he seems to be affected by his parents' divorce. Teacher also shared that his work had slackened and he was losing confidence.
We are now into our 6th session. In the earlier sessions we shared literature about the anxieties and emotions which children of divorced parents usually experience. He was quite engaged. Beyond that he remained silent most of the time and if you were lucky you got a nod in the head or a monosyllable answer to your questions. (Talk about using open ended question in counselling!haha).
As is suggested by child specialist I then used various media, including art, superclay and even music to try and get him to share. He is quite absorbed. His face lighted up when we played the tambourine together. We imitated each other's tapping rhythmn. However when I proceeded with making a sound together with the rhythmn, he refused to make the sound when it was his turn to lead. Other than media and some pyscho education I seem to be facing a brick wall.
When you counsel an adult you can ask the person what he hopes to get out of the session so that there is a focus. In exasperation, I asked the child a similar question only to receive a totally silent response. At the last session I told him quite frankly the intention of the sessions are to help him address whatever is bothering him but "I don't feel I have helped you" if he remains silent. My remarks again were met with a sad look and silence. I then told him he has a choice whether to continue, half expecting him to jump at the opportunity to stop. To my surprise he said he wants to come. He says he feels better after each session. OK fine I will have to be really creative.
I then emailed the teacher to get an update. To my surprise I received quite positive comments about him being more focused and school work improving etc. Hmmm if the sessions did provide some relief then what the specialists say do hold truth; that both art and music provide a means of communication without speaking. Echoing the child's tune or beat sets up a reciprocity, in the process reassuring them and cheering them up.
Reflecting this development and my own actions, I feel I may be imposing my need especially when I said to him "I don't feel I have helped you"So whose needs are we talking about, his or mine; and mine being the need to FEEL I have helped.
We are now into our 6th session. In the earlier sessions we shared literature about the anxieties and emotions which children of divorced parents usually experience. He was quite engaged. Beyond that he remained silent most of the time and if you were lucky you got a nod in the head or a monosyllable answer to your questions. (Talk about using open ended question in counselling!haha).
As is suggested by child specialist I then used various media, including art, superclay and even music to try and get him to share. He is quite absorbed. His face lighted up when we played the tambourine together. We imitated each other's tapping rhythmn. However when I proceeded with making a sound together with the rhythmn, he refused to make the sound when it was his turn to lead. Other than media and some pyscho education I seem to be facing a brick wall.
When you counsel an adult you can ask the person what he hopes to get out of the session so that there is a focus. In exasperation, I asked the child a similar question only to receive a totally silent response. At the last session I told him quite frankly the intention of the sessions are to help him address whatever is bothering him but "I don't feel I have helped you" if he remains silent. My remarks again were met with a sad look and silence. I then told him he has a choice whether to continue, half expecting him to jump at the opportunity to stop. To my surprise he said he wants to come. He says he feels better after each session. OK fine I will have to be really creative.
I then emailed the teacher to get an update. To my surprise I received quite positive comments about him being more focused and school work improving etc. Hmmm if the sessions did provide some relief then what the specialists say do hold truth; that both art and music provide a means of communication without speaking. Echoing the child's tune or beat sets up a reciprocity, in the process reassuring them and cheering them up.
Reflecting this development and my own actions, I feel I may be imposing my need especially when I said to him "I don't feel I have helped you"So whose needs are we talking about, his or mine; and mine being the need to FEEL I have helped.
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