Counselling children calls for much patience and humility. On Mondays I have session with a child who needs help to manage his anger. For 2 consecutive weeks, I received feedback that "despite" a session with me, he still threw angry tantrums on that very day. I must confess I am not really trained on the special skills on anger management but is trying to help the child address his insecurity because I believe the child is trying to be in control through anger to overcome his fears. I do not wish to elaborate on how I reach this hypothesis. However these type of feedback from teachers very often cast self doubt on what you are doing. Sometimes I wonder shouldn't I be spending time at home watching stock prices and trading instead.
But yesterday was an uplifting day. That is the nature of this job. Once in a while when you feel like running out of steam something happens to lift you from your disillusion. Yesterday I had a chat with a divorced mother, with her son's permission and request. Just when the boy is overcoming his parents' divorce and regaining emotional stability, he now is disturbed by the frequent fights betwee his mother and her new boyfriend, also a divorcee with kids around the boy's age. The boy has become friends with that family and the boy has expressed hopes that a happy family will emerge from this relationship. So I called the mum expecting some negative and defensive behaviour. I was surprised that the lady was very receptive and appreciative of the feedback although she did defend her helplessness. She was told by her son that he likes me and can tell me things freely. Somehow I am quite lifted by this conversation.
Then there was another breakthrough. An abandoned child who has been hiding his pain and putting a "happy family" front was able to process his pain through play. It is believed that if a person buries his pain and grief, it will leave a deep imprint throughout his life. Therapy begins with expression of the pain in whatever way which the boy was unable to do for a long time. Yesterday I gave him freedom to play by himself using the miniature toys and figures displayed. I asked him to create a story using the toys. The story began as usual with a happy family circle with a little boy as the main character. As the child lost himself in the play, the story developed. The parents separated and lived far far apart. The boy with the help of a transformer chased after the father who was flying away in an aeroplane. "Why are you running away?" asked the boy and the transformer. Then the transformer helped him to locate his mother "Why are you hiding?" he asked his mother. Throughout I tried to remain quiet except for a few questions to prompt him on.
Later on I shared with the boy's teacher my belief in healing the hurt before addressing whatever behavioural problems the child may have. For once I found a teacher who shares the same belief. For once I was not bombarded with feedback about lack of improvement, be it still not handing in homework, still dreaming in class, still fighting bla bla bla. Instead we chatted about how heart wrenching it is to see how the poor children suffer in such adverse circumstances and encourages each other that whatever little we do it helps.
Yes it is not often we sight silver lining but in the rare moments when we do, it spurs us on to run another mile :)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
BEING
Way back in 2004 to chalk up practicum hours for a diploma course in counselling, I volunteered at a parent support group for parents of some very low functioning autistic teenagers. We helped out at the meet-the-parent sessions, chatting with the parents about their children, organising some resourcing activities for them and interpreting the principal's messages for parents who don't speak English. At a recent gathering amongst my ex-classmates, I learnt that the mother of one of the autistic kid has committed suicide.
I remembered that amongst the parents, she stood out as one who dressed well, was very polite, chatty and often thanked us for spending time with them. Two other parents struck me with their way of coping which was through acceptance and religious support.
I observed that almost all the parents enjoyed their children, taking delight in moments when the child responds. No matter how slow the progress, any small improvement in engaging the child brings joy very much like any parent would watching their child master a new skill. The source of sadness however is wishing that the child will be like any other "normal" child, making a living one day etc. Of course, the worry about who will look after the child when they are gone hangs heavy; but I have a feeling even if that is taken care off, the pain is the pining for the "normal" child.
Recently, I have been reading a book on existential psychotherapy. Sometimes I am not sure whether I am getting the right meaning of what I read or just interpreting things my own way. Whatever it is, it does make me think a bit more.
I think to myself if each of these parents live say in a farm remote from social conditioning they may not feel so depressed. The so called "cure" for any neurotic symptoms in people tend to be focused on learning to adjust or adapt to standard mode of behaviour which is culturally accepted in society. This includes changing self beliefs to achieve that. Some are prescribed drugs to help in "adjustment", for example drugs are often taken by people to help then feel more relaxed in social settings.
Existential psychotherapy (if I dont read wrongly) aims to help the patient accept his own being, his own self. If he manages that or finds enough courage to do that, his anxiety about his place in the world may be overcome. Nietzsche, famous for his work on existentialism, encouraged people to be above the mores of civilization and choose their own standards. He also expounded important existential themes of freedom, choice, responsibility and courage.
Although existential psychotherapy has no relevance to my recollection of the parents, it somehow stirs my thoughts. If these parents can accept the fact that their children can be themselves, can be special, and that they do not need to be like any other child that the country or society expects of them; would the parents' pain be lighter? I wonder. Say if the child lives in a farm or some place far from the madding crowd, free to do whatever he likes, repeatedly or routinely if he so wishes; and supported by siblings and parents who accept him, would mother and child be less miserable? If only individuals can be individuals or have the courage to be.
I remembered that amongst the parents, she stood out as one who dressed well, was very polite, chatty and often thanked us for spending time with them. Two other parents struck me with their way of coping which was through acceptance and religious support.
I observed that almost all the parents enjoyed their children, taking delight in moments when the child responds. No matter how slow the progress, any small improvement in engaging the child brings joy very much like any parent would watching their child master a new skill. The source of sadness however is wishing that the child will be like any other "normal" child, making a living one day etc. Of course, the worry about who will look after the child when they are gone hangs heavy; but I have a feeling even if that is taken care off, the pain is the pining for the "normal" child.
Recently, I have been reading a book on existential psychotherapy. Sometimes I am not sure whether I am getting the right meaning of what I read or just interpreting things my own way. Whatever it is, it does make me think a bit more.
I think to myself if each of these parents live say in a farm remote from social conditioning they may not feel so depressed. The so called "cure" for any neurotic symptoms in people tend to be focused on learning to adjust or adapt to standard mode of behaviour which is culturally accepted in society. This includes changing self beliefs to achieve that. Some are prescribed drugs to help in "adjustment", for example drugs are often taken by people to help then feel more relaxed in social settings.
Existential psychotherapy (if I dont read wrongly) aims to help the patient accept his own being, his own self. If he manages that or finds enough courage to do that, his anxiety about his place in the world may be overcome. Nietzsche, famous for his work on existentialism, encouraged people to be above the mores of civilization and choose their own standards. He also expounded important existential themes of freedom, choice, responsibility and courage.
Although existential psychotherapy has no relevance to my recollection of the parents, it somehow stirs my thoughts. If these parents can accept the fact that their children can be themselves, can be special, and that they do not need to be like any other child that the country or society expects of them; would the parents' pain be lighter? I wonder. Say if the child lives in a farm or some place far from the madding crowd, free to do whatever he likes, repeatedly or routinely if he so wishes; and supported by siblings and parents who accept him, would mother and child be less miserable? If only individuals can be individuals or have the courage to be.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Mind Tricks
This guy Gary Hayden that has a column in Mind your Body wrote an article relating 3 incidents when his mind played tricks on him. In the first incident, his mind was so fixed when he entered into a male restroom in a foreign country, that the absence of urinal and presence of pad disposal bin did not alert him to the possiblilty of it being a ladies' toilet. In the second incident, his mind conjured up a story to explain his appearance in a photo when the person was actually someone else. A third situation finds him subconscioulsy ignoring news about rising property prices but instead focusing on views about price bubble, because he has yet to repurchase a property having sold one years ago.
About the time I read this article, I was in a bit of a puzzle about a 8 yr old boy in school. The grandmother of the boy has requested counselling because the boy has a hatred for his mother and stepfather and has mentioned often he will kill them when he grows up. His biological parents are divorced and his mother abandoned him. He was physically abused by his stepfather when he was younger.
I like to encourage my children to help me draw their genogram at the first session. You'll be surprised how interesting they find it, eg. circle for girls and women, squares for boys and men and lines connecting parentage etc. As we draw we talk a bit about the family members. My young friend drew mother, father, grandma and him with 2 brothers staying in the same household. Mother works as a nurse, father works in factory, both come home late from work, hence nenek (grandma) takes care of the children. Also when he needs someone to talk to he turns to his father. Huh? Have I gotten the wrong file? I checked his name against the file more than once throughout the session.
When he further describes himself as a junior prefect and is doing well in his school work, I am convinced the child has very low self esteem and is hiding the truth from people. I know I need to work very slowly with him to gain his trust before he can revisit his past.
One way of getting children or even older clients to be in touch with themselve is sandtray therapy. From a wide array of small figurines and small objects the client is free to instinctively select some to tell their story. The child picked figures to represent his family. Again he picked himself, his mother and brothers and placed them very close in a tight circle. Clearly he 'forgot' his father. "what about nenek (grandma)?" I asked. "Ooh nenek I forgot" and then he picked up another female figure to join the close circle.
Hmm... I thought, maybe his family circumstances have changed, maybe his mother has returned to stay with them. Maybe deep down he still loves his mother which explains why he colours his mum in peach when drawing her. Peach he says is a happy colour for him. So I called nenek. Then the pieces began to fall in place. Nenek says the boy has started to call her 'ibu' (mother) after the mother left home. The person who works as a nurse is actually his cousin and the male father figure is her boyfriend. I shared this with my school counsellor and she says it is not unusual for kids to say things which is totally not the real facts.
Wow I really need to read up much more about child psychology (haha I have never been this diligent in my former job, reading up such that I can do my work a bit better). Reading Hayden's article jolts me to reflect that if a rational adult's mind can do tricks, what more that of a vulnerable child. I feel in this case, there are elements of conjuring, hiding as well as blocking. To reach out to a child's inner thoughts and feelings one has to be really patient. I have to remind myself often to respect the child's own pace and never to impose my own agenda in the process.
About the time I read this article, I was in a bit of a puzzle about a 8 yr old boy in school. The grandmother of the boy has requested counselling because the boy has a hatred for his mother and stepfather and has mentioned often he will kill them when he grows up. His biological parents are divorced and his mother abandoned him. He was physically abused by his stepfather when he was younger.
I like to encourage my children to help me draw their genogram at the first session. You'll be surprised how interesting they find it, eg. circle for girls and women, squares for boys and men and lines connecting parentage etc. As we draw we talk a bit about the family members. My young friend drew mother, father, grandma and him with 2 brothers staying in the same household. Mother works as a nurse, father works in factory, both come home late from work, hence nenek (grandma) takes care of the children. Also when he needs someone to talk to he turns to his father. Huh? Have I gotten the wrong file? I checked his name against the file more than once throughout the session.
When he further describes himself as a junior prefect and is doing well in his school work, I am convinced the child has very low self esteem and is hiding the truth from people. I know I need to work very slowly with him to gain his trust before he can revisit his past.
One way of getting children or even older clients to be in touch with themselve is sandtray therapy. From a wide array of small figurines and small objects the client is free to instinctively select some to tell their story. The child picked figures to represent his family. Again he picked himself, his mother and brothers and placed them very close in a tight circle. Clearly he 'forgot' his father. "what about nenek (grandma)?" I asked. "Ooh nenek I forgot" and then he picked up another female figure to join the close circle.
Hmm... I thought, maybe his family circumstances have changed, maybe his mother has returned to stay with them. Maybe deep down he still loves his mother which explains why he colours his mum in peach when drawing her. Peach he says is a happy colour for him. So I called nenek. Then the pieces began to fall in place. Nenek says the boy has started to call her 'ibu' (mother) after the mother left home. The person who works as a nurse is actually his cousin and the male father figure is her boyfriend. I shared this with my school counsellor and she says it is not unusual for kids to say things which is totally not the real facts.
Wow I really need to read up much more about child psychology (haha I have never been this diligent in my former job, reading up such that I can do my work a bit better). Reading Hayden's article jolts me to reflect that if a rational adult's mind can do tricks, what more that of a vulnerable child. I feel in this case, there are elements of conjuring, hiding as well as blocking. To reach out to a child's inner thoughts and feelings one has to be really patient. I have to remind myself often to respect the child's own pace and never to impose my own agenda in the process.
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