Just got a message from school. One of my young clients stayed inside the toilet refusing to come out. A case of social anxiety and absenteeism. I have met her for maybe 6 times. Sigh...another case of "No Effect this far". One of my ex-colleague ever asked about my volunteer school counselling "Any effect or not?" Her words cross my mind every time I am given negative feedback by the teachers about my clients.
In this kind of self doubt, upsetting mood, my conflicting thoughts go like this:
A: Gosh would I have been better off continuing in my old job as Treasurer, pandered by bankers and having authority over much?
B: No I would have been miserable because every obstacle put up by the legal division, every time my proposal is thrown out for revision, every irrational demand from above, every obnoxious behaviour of some and the anxieties over meeting certain people would have made my life quite miserable which I can do without; thank you very much (other than the money).
A: But am I doing the right thing spending money and time on a field (counselling) I am not even sure I am capable of doing (self doubt see)?
B: Hey why you give up so easily? If you don't try how you know whether it is suitable for you? You should commend yourself for gathering enough courage to leave your comfort (though discomfortable) zone (job) to search for something you like (ie. follow your heart). Anyhow why you so thin skinned? Even your supervisor says he has counselled someone for 4 long years and that guy still dropped out of school. Besides no one is a born counsellor and as you pick up your skill, some people have to be your guinea pigs along the way.
A: But I chide myself often for not giving enough thought and research for each case, I am angry with myself for the lack of earnestness and diligence.
A: Hey actually I don't really have to do anything. I can actually play mahjong, go club and attend singing classes quite happily, why put myself to all these unnecessary dilemma?
B: Hmmm.... I don't know. I think you will feel even more miserable at the end of each day as a Lady of Leisure.
A: So is this a dire need of self glorification?
B: Hmmm....Not sure leh. Maybe it is a bit of it, but not really also, because I don't really care much about what people think of me.
A: But is it what you yourself need, i.e. an image which you yourself has to be comfortable with?
B: (At this juncture I took a pause and sipped my fruit juice) Hmmm....feeling a bit uncomfortable with this question huh? Maybe it is you know, I must ponder over it.
A&B: Aiya never mind lah, even if I don't end up being a counsellor, I have enjoyed the course anyhow; and mind you this is the only course in my life that I enjoy other than history subject in school (which was marred by having to take exams!!!).
So after working so hard for so many donkey years, I have a right to spend money on a course I enjoy right. If things don't turn out right I will just be a Lady of Leisure lor when the course ends.
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2 comments:
Hi Marn Har,
Looos like you are enjoying yourself - be strong and keep it up. Look at the financial mess we are in now - don't even entertain the thought of wallowing in the mud with the pigs ......hahaha
It is normal to indulge in self-doubt, especially when you had a strong base previously (as Corporate Treasurer). I do too, but at the previous bank. However, circumstances have changed and tremendously.
Do continue to write - it is always thought provoking and written from the heart.
CKS
haha I like your pigs wallowing in the mud analogy. Well a day will come when the pigs pick themselves up from the mud and be given a great wash. After all it is not quick sand right.
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