When "No" means "Wait"

 

In the book Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, a former FBI top hostage negotiator, he advocates that we should aim for our opponent to say "No" as a first step in negotiation. This contradicts our instinct to seek a 'Yes" to our terms.

According to him getting the other party to say "No" for a start puts them in a less defensive stand. The whole idea is to make them feel safe, secure and in control. It is a first step in getting them to engage and listen. After feeling they have protected themselves by saying "No" our counter party can then open up for discussion and understanding options available.

The difficulty however is in our entrenched habit of wanting to hear "Yes". He suggests that we learn to hear "No" calmly. In Voss' words " "No" is not a failure....it really often just means "Wait" or "I am not comfortable with that"......Used strategically it's an answer that opens the path forward. Getting to the point where you're no longer horrified by the word "No" is a liberating moment that every negotiator needs to reach. Because if your biggest fear is "No", you can't negotiate. You're the hostage of "Yes". You're handcuffed. You're done".

Personally I find this useful advice in interacting with family members too. Any "No" from my husband usually enrages me and triggers an argument or war of ego. I will then use either passive aggressive behavior or threats to get my way which is quite upsetting. It is true I must learn to accept "No" for a start calmly. Quite often after feeling like he is in charge my husband will come around to hear or offer options, out of guilt perhaps. 

Maybe for a start I must train my mind to think "Wait lah" when I hear "No" from my husband to release the self hostage.

Left and Right brain in counselling

 

Returning from counselling sessions with 2 clients I felt rather drained. The head felt tight. To find some relief I turned to my laptop and instinctively pulled up my equity portfolio. I believe I need to work the left brain to balance the exhausted right brain.

Indeed a counselling session calls for a lot of intuition and creativity ie. working the intuitive right hemisphere of the brain. I have a hunch I use quite a fair bit of intuition in several ways during a counselling session. For example in assessing why a client reacts in a certain way in a given situation and how to draw a client to see their blind spot. I also think it is my right hemisphere brain that absorbs the body language and tone of voice and then helps me speak in a manner that connects with the client. At times I am amazed how suddenly a creative idea pops up in my mind which furthers the therapeutic process. Often the strategies I have planned to apply using my thinking mind are thrown out the window as the client presents new concerns or change in attitude/behaviour. To me counselling is more of an art though supported by science based psychological theories and evidenced based intervention practices. However I often feel unsure of my intuitive strategies when they do not fall into well recognised techniques/practices.

The fact that I pulled out my equity portfolio file instinctively as a source of relaxation could well signal that I have taxed my intuitive mind and needs some rational thinking to derive a mind equilibrium.

"There is an art to science, and science in art; the two are not enemies but different aspects of the whole"- Isaac Asimov

'Not Me"

 

"Once we believe that 'me' is separate from 'my experience' that 'me' is a solid entity to whom things happen, rather than a fluid part of the unending action, we have to start thinking about defending this isolated 'me' against the objects we encounter. Thus we need some basic strategies for survival, we have to start pursuing objects that make 'me' feel safe and happy, destroying objects that make 'me' feel threatened and ignoring all other objects of experience, because the first two take up all our time of experience"- Ethan Nichtern

"A human being is a part of the whole, called by us Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest-a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty."-                               Albert Einstein

I shall try my best.

Be it God or the Divine Universe

 

On this Christmas day it would seem blasphemous to be reading about Einstein, Freud and Spinoza's belief about God. Basically Einstein and Spinoza do not consider God to be a personal figure but more like a cosmic deity. I am currently reading a book entitled "The Reason for Life" by Waltenegus Dargie. The book explores the beliefs of Freud, Einstein, Tolstoy and Dostoevsky on the significance of God and the purpose of human life.

From the book I learnt a new word 'Pantheism' which is the concept that the physical universe is the immanent deity. I kind of orientate towards this theory.

I have just started reading and in no considered order have found the following statements bearing some truths:

Freud maintains the claims of religion are essentially the product of psychic externalisation. Human beings have affinity for religion because either they are fearful of life or yearn to be unified with the world.

Einstein calls the scientific longing to unravel the mystery of creation and thereby experience God, a cosmic religious feeling... Persons who are induced by a cosmic religious feeling seek God dispassionately with no wish for a reward or gain. A god who rewards and punishes human actions in inconceivable to them.....He maintains that the primary reason for a religion based on a personal God is existential fear.

I sometimes think it doesn't really matter whether it is the divine universe or the personal God. At moments when you feel the Love or some mystical wonder you have a momentary glimpse of the truth.

Does sufferings make you stronger?

 

In an article in the ST on 1 Dec 2023 "Some Suffering is just suffering, It does not make you stronger", Prof Chong Siow Ann thinks that some traumatic experiences make it difficult for people to "rebuild" themselves into "better human beings". He contends that he could not have fully comprehended the enormous sufferings and anguish of certain of his patients like those who have killed or caused the deaths of their closed ones in moments of delusion or mental incapacity. He also alluded to the immense hellish sufferings of war raining on civilians like the Israel/Palestinian crisis. 

It is widely accepted that post traumatic growth is possible among sufferers who "recast their lives in the most positive ways and extracts new meanings." Prof Chong quoted Victor Frankl who opined that the prisoners of the holocaust who held on to the future and found meaning in life survived less scarred. Prof Chong himself has witnessed that in some of his own patients. 

However he went on to say that not all people can muster enough energy and will to forge this transformation. Here Prof Chong quoted Paul Bloom a Yale developmental psychologist who casts doubt on the prevalence of post traumatic growth calling it the "myth of redemptive suffering". In fact this "myth" may have been a double whammy for sufferers who are expected to recover and come out stronger.

Prof Chong reckoned that people are unique and it isn't fair to impose on his patients this preconceived notion of redemptive suffering. Indeed sometimes he finds it hard to tell his patients who have been through horrendous losses that they could find something positive in their suffering. "Occasionally, their suffering compounded my sense of helplessness and made me wish, like a coward, that I wouldn't have to see them", was how he described his helplessness and how he then lends a listening ear while conveying to them that he too feels their pain.

I think many counsellors like me can relate (be it of milder intensity) when Prof Chong describes how he sometimes finds it difficult to tell his patients to think positive as he himself does not bear that conviction. Sometimes I do feel like a fake when encouraging my counselees to think positive , doubting whether I myself can do so when put in similar dire circumstances. However like how Prof Chong describes it, I think most of them do find some catharsis and relief when they walk out knowing someone feels their pain. 

Probably some statements of redemptive growth will dawn on them when healing takes place over time.

Walk the talk and more

 

Of late I have been preaching a lot about positive thinking but not sure I am walking the talk. At the workshop which I conduct for children from divorced families, one of the tools taught to cope with their feelings is to change thoughts and activities when the going gets tough. Similarly at another counselling sessions with an adult, I shared with her about how continuous rumination of negative thoughts saps one's energy. I wonder whether this really works for them.

Every morning when I wake up I turn on the tv to get the latest news update. In the order of severity there would now be news coverage on the human tragedy of the Israel/Palestinian crisis, an update of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, catastrophe brought about by climate changes, fear of another pandemic arising from unknown pathogen and occasional irrational shooting incidents. The newsreels on children being killed or trying to survive in bombed hospitals is really heart wrenching. Perhaps that coupled with a close friend's account of near death experience makes me feel moody occasionally, especially during the first moments when I wake up.

Of course I do not have the time to really dwell in the existential angst of death and meaning of life. I have a routine to follow. In that respect I do practice what I taught ie. instead of lying on bed and ruminating I get up and busy myself (switching my thoughts and activities). Does that mean however that I have to fill my day with endless activities both physical and mental? 

Now this is when it is difficult to impart to the children, to observe your emotions without judgement (it is neither good nor bad, it's just being human), allow it to be there and see it shifts or pass. That in itself is catharsis. 

"Instead of resisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it and see through your resistance". | Deepak Chopra

In another Realm

 

A close friend's sharing of being in a coma for over a week from a critical illness and how she heard God/Spiritual voices has an impact on me. It sets me googling into NDE (near death experiences). Many who have such encounters described it as being with an immense light that emanates unconditional love and peace. The Christians among them thought of 'It' as God or Jesus. I also seek a scientific clinical explanation which speculates that when the brain is deprived of blood the mind begins to have illusions while the narrowing of the retina causes vision of brightness through a tunnel. 

I can not conclude whether NDEs is biological or spiritual. However I begin to understand the message my friend wishes to impart ie. to contemplate the fragility of life. She being a Christian may be concerned about my after life. Indeed she is totally right. Shouldn't we be working towards the probable eternity instead of focusing on the desires of the short span of this earthly life.

One thing that strikes me when reading all the NDE accounts is the description of unconditional love and the realm beyond time and space. It brings to my mind that we do not have information about everything (the universe and beyond) and what we perceive of our world may be like how an ant views its own world. So certainly there could be a realm beyond this earthly life. What is good to remember is 'Unconditional Love' being described as the essence of this realm. 

Be it felt as the Christian God's unconditional love or the Buddhist precept of loving kindness, love seems to be the overriding experience in the realm of NDEs. That perhaps should be our beacon while we walk this earthly journey.