Forgetting oneself

 

At a Q&A session with Ajahn Sumedho which I heard over podcast, a question was raised about dementia. As awareness is the cornerstone for Buddhist practice the questioner asked how a person loosing his intellect can still maintain awareness. Ajahn Sumedho replied that consciousness or awareness is not 'thinking' and is also not personal. 

From listening to his past talks I have been intrigued by Ajahn Sumedho's teaching that consciousness is not personal. It is quite a mental shift for me to hear that because even while meditating or practicing mindfulness you feel like you are the one who is being aware. In some sense it is quite liberating to hear that consciousness is not in the human brain or body. Instead the body or brain is part of the boundless immeasurable consciousness. To understand this will help in reducing the attachment to self.

It therefore is heartening to know that even when a person loses the capacity to think it does not mean he loses consciousness because he is part of it. As an example, you may have experienced moments in your sleep when you are aware you are dreaming even though you are not awake or thinking.

As someone puts it " Even as our brains may lose much of their ability to think in an organised fashion, we may still be capable of the wisdom of savoring ". If through practice one develops a neural pathway or a mental habit of being equanimous and accepting, it may ease the terror when the mind is gradually losing its functions and is treading into unfamiliar territories. One lady in helping her husband in his final days cope with dementia, taught him to imagine an ocean of light and to merge with the "vastness of space without fear".

https://tricycle.org/magazine/awake-and-demented/

Of Significance or not?

 

I  am reading an e-book entitled "Stuck in Halftime" by Bob Buford. He has an earlier book "Half Time: Moving from Success to Significance" which helps people find a more meaningful vocation or career for the next half of their life. This later book is meant to assist people who find themselves stuck while transitioning. The book points out certain myths and barriers that sometimes cause people to give up or revert back to their comfort zone of their original career. 

I can relate to one of the myths which he terms "The Low Commitment Myth". He calls people who live by this myth "dabblers", dabbling here and there. This is how he describes them: " They say, ' I'll sit on a few boards. Do a mission trip with my church. Volunteer occasionally to help out a local nonprofit.' They see charity as another form of recreation, not as work. And this is socially sanctioned dabbling. People say, 'That's so nice, what you are doing.They dip in and out. Mainly these people keep themselves free for pleasure trips."

Buford advocates " Having a clear and singular mission statement revolving around the "one thing" about which you are most passionate is what is needed". 

I probably fit into the type of people who embrace the Low Commitment Myth. I do occasionally feel I have not done much after leaving my finance career. Unlike the tombstones that showcase the projects achieved during my earlier career, my work/vocation as a school counsellor, story teller, sandplay therapist leave no concrete proof of efficacy not to mention 'significance'. At times like these, I ponder over whether I should embark on just one thing that would be more impactful. 

Most of the time however, I would be asking 'what is wrong in being a dabbler?', balancing charity work and leisure. Just as my earlier career was not a roaring success, neither does my charity work have to be of huge significance. Admittedly I am a mediocre by nature. The consequence of this so called Low Commitment Myth is the occasional existential despair and the hollow feeling of lacking in purpose. 

When in such despair, however, I will recall appreciating this graffiti when visiting the Berlin Wall.

Gardening the Body & Soul

 

As my pre-Covid routine is disrupted, with all fitness and volunteer activities  suspended, boredom sets in.  Fortunately I have a new found hobby in gardening which uplifted many a moody moments flooded by media coverage of all the prevailing health and financial struggles.

I discovered so many hidden benefits of gardening which include:

Physical exercise and exposure to sunshine.

Sweating buckets and drinking water is like spending time in a sauna to remove toxins. Digging soil with a changkul is actually more fun than lifting weights while aping muscled figures in a fitness video.

Mindfulness 

What really amazes me is the mental well being gardening evokes. Hours pass quickly without my noticing. The focus is intense, figuring out for each plant the conditions that promotes growth. The mind has to suspend any prevailing negative thinking.

Creativity  

So I ordered online more than $100 worth of pebbles, stones and garden soil and searched the web for inspiring garden decor ideas. It calls for creativity within limitations of a small garden space further hampered  by strict orders from husband not to touch certain existing plants and "junk".

Different needs                                                                                                                                               In recognising that different plants thrive in different types of soil with different amount of sunshine and water, it makes you reflect that it is the same with people. They flourish under the right environment and opportunities. Likewise potentials are stifled and  characters wilt under adverse circumstances. In some ways gardening helps us gain empathy. 

Every cloud has its silver lining

It seems to be that my plants take turns to bloom. I guess different plants thrive under various changing weather conditions. Occasionally too a bud pops up and blossoms into a flower rarely seen. It sends a message for us to be patient and to be hopeful. Sometimes they wilt  and sometimes they bloom. Growth and renewal follows the fading and wilting. We learn to live with all of them.

Fulfillment & Acceptance

I have always dreamed of a beautiful luscious lawn underneath our mango tree adorned with patches of flowering plants. The hard truth is nothing ever grows well because the roots of the mango tree cannibalize most plants. Accepting that this condition can never or is hard to change, we lay pebbles and gravels to form little paths on these patches of infertile ground. We then decorate them with succulent and air plants which can take harsh conditions. Now I look at my garden with some sense of fulfillment. Isn't that what life is all about too? Accepting that certain dreams are destined not to be realised while looking for alternatives that may bring hidden joy. We just have to be honest with what is achievable and what is not.

Inter-Connectedness

My garden has attracted many birds, insects and worms. At times just looking intensely at the tree trunk or at a spot on the ground, I am amazed by the multitude of tiny creatures that exist here in my garden. 

Two days ago when I do my usual garden inspection, a butterfly flew very close by. Then there were more. They made the place so sprightly and my spirits were lifted. Suddenly I wondered whether these lovely beings bear any spiritual elements of my deceased loved ones. Were they trying to connect with me? 

They seem to remind me I am in a good place being part of this WHOLE.

Be Honest with Yourself

Recently I am reading a book entitled "the art of thinking clearly" by Rolf Dobelli. The author describes in 99 short chapters the common failings of how our mind thinks. I have read only 12 chapters and I can already relate to more than half of the 12 mind warps listed. The following 4 occur for me:

Confirmation Bias:

Seeking information that supports our beliefs and refusing to explore alternative arguments against. Needless to say the most obvious example is my ardent support for the Workers Party (WP) during the election week. I didn't even listen nor read a word uttered by any minister or any incumbent PAP member. Rolf borrowed someone's quote "Murder your darlings" advising us to axe our dear friends (ie. our favourtie beliefs) and find evidences against them to truly evaluate our conviction. Now that the WP has sent 10 members into parliament, I will have to follow Rolf's advice and objectively view their performance.

Sunk Cost Fallacy:

Our mind is heavily influenced by the cost and effort sunk in a project when making decision for the future. This applies frequently to investments and relationship. Many stocks have remained in my portfolio for years because they have not recovered to the purchase price. How ridiculous, had I cut loss long ago and moved on I would definitely have gained better returns. Instead I hope to derive satisfaction when the stock price breaks even. Rolf quoted as a disastrous example the prolonged Vietnam War and the US' reluctance to walk away after so much lives have been sacrificed.

Contrast Effect:

This is a game favoured by marketeers offering discounts like "Used to be $XXX Now $xxx" or "Buy 3 for price of 2". Of late I have been doing a lot of online shopping ranging from Spotlight's curtain fabric to toiletries from Watson. I was feeling pretty satisfied with  my Watson purchases until I saw a similar item selling  even cheaper at CK Dept Store. Similarly I now regret buying a particular piece of curtain fabric at half its usual price compared to another more suitable piece at 20% discount.

Survivourship Bias:

Because success and triumph is more visible than failure, people tend to overestimate their chances of success. In particular this happens in careers that carry a lot of limelight like artists and sports stars. The number of unknown struggling artists is hardly mentioned in public media. As a matter of fact I am in the process of writing a children's book and am recognising this mind flaw  over and over again. Luckily my family members check my unrealistic expectations while still supporting me.  First I find out that I probably have to self publish it. Secondly I realise it is better to print less copies and preserve the environment than leave hundreds of unsold copies gathering dust in the store room.

As Rolf puts it: "Behind every popular author you can find 100 other writers whose books will never sell. Behind them are another 100 who haven't found publishers. Behind them are yet another 100 whose unfinished manuscripts gather dust in drawers. And behind each one of these are 100 who dream of -one day- writing a book".

That is why I have decided to write a children's book where my illustrator can do the major part of the work, livening up my mediocre story; and then I am putting in my money to self publish it. As Rolf says we have to be honest with ourselves.

危机

Today I seem to be in a flux about my investments. This follows a zoom call with a  new fund management company whose directors defected from  XYZ which I have invested in for awhile. Basically the new company's approach is based on growth  momentum which is different from the value investing approach of XYZ. Indeed value investing fund managers have not performed as well as index funds during the last couple of years.

Basically what is reeling in my mind are these questions:

-Should I play safe by having a foot each in both value investing funds and growth investing funds?
-Do I carry out a spring cleaning of my DIY portfolio of equity which is largely concentrated on SGX, cutting loss on stagnated stocks?
-Do I cash out on XYZ due to its below par performance at a time when all analysts advice holding on ?
-Do I liquidate some of my fixed income portfolio to catch the opportunity to pick up some cheap stocks during this crisis?
-Should I contemplate investing in real estate using leverage when interest rate environment is conducive?

-Will there be an imminent market crash as currently there seems to be a misalignment between financial markets and economic reality?
-Will there even be a second or third big wave of Covid 19?
-What if a vaccine is developed soon?

Just too many moving parts and uncertainty. Danger or opportunity?

Or should I just relax and not worry too much about growing money?
And focus on health fueling my hypochondria

Flashes of Optimism

Haha what can I say? I am happy with the Singapore GE 2020 results. Much has been said in social media as well as by political analysts about the drop in support for PAP the incumbent and the root causes.

I am not going to discuss these comments but will just talk about my feelings.

In the last blog just before polling day I was very moody thinking that whatever the outcome will be dark as PAP will either turn more defensive or more arrogant. I said:

"So unless there is more self awareness and more magnanimity by the incumbent party "Darkness Descends on polling day" is the sure outcome."

Quite the contrary I am now less pessimistic. I think the incumbent may now be more open to working with alternative views. First of all a leader of the opposition is appointed which is historical. In addition the young candidates whom the PAP brought in may know what is wanted by the netizens in general and may not just tow party lines if they disagree with policies mooted by the party. In other words there maybe more divergent views even within the PAP.

Personally I am quite awed by the opposition candidates, their never-say-die attitude and sacrifices.In particular I am quite taken away by the news footage of the Workers Party women candidates, dressed in blue blouse, black skirts and black canvas shoes, engaging with people at markets and town centres, always with a slight bow. It was so pleasing to look at. It was also inspiring reading how some opposition candidates patiently fought over several years for this opportunity to speak up in parliament, even at the expense of spending little time with their families.

 This spurs me to think to myself that I should also do more for our society. It prompts me to review  my current volunteer services which have been on hold for some months. I think people generally feel the need to be more united.

In short instead of dark clouds I was struck with flashes of optimism. Surely Singaporeans and  PAP have become more AWARE

How come it ends up like this?

Tomorrow is Cooling Day, one day before polling day in Singapore. No party rallies and campaigns are allowed on this day. I am not sure whether other countries have a mandatory order for people to cool down. That is the nature of our government, it enforces our emotional behaviour as well.

I was awakened by my cat's unusual agitation and aggressive meowing which is far from normal. Well none of us know what exactly she was uptight about since she ignored the food bowl after it was filled. Perhaps she has absorbed some energies from our household or perhaps some collective energies as well. So cooling off is good for her too and for me.

One guy said "Darkness descend on Friday even at nighttime whatever the results"

This is the same view shared by 2 academicians. It does not matter how many seats the PAP will garner. It will be lost trust, lost confidence, lost unity all round.

If the incumbent loses big relative to their target, they will be more insecure and will resort to more defensiveness, more gutter political tactics and less openness to alternative views.

What if the incumbent wins big time. First they will take it as acceptance of their flying solo and hardball political tactics and will continue to do so.

Then there will still be a minority who will be extremely unhappy deepening their disrespect and mistrust of the ruling party. This discontent extends even to those who have no choice but to reluctantly vote for the incumbent for want of a credible opposition in their constituency. Even the PM has admitted that an intensely unhappy minority divides the country. Strangely however he does not really bother to find out why they are so angry and really do something about it.

Voters who succumbed to the blackmail that the incumbent will comprehensively roll out measures to safeguard jobs and manage the crisis only with a strong mandate, will also resent being forced to do so much like paying ransom money for kidnapped victims. A divided society is not what we need at this juncture.

As the 2 academicians put it: "In a highly unpredictable world, decisions must tap on a much wider diversity of ideas than even before". They opined that people might however be turned off by the government's arrogance and self grandiosing ways and refrain from giving input even if sought.

So unless there is more self awareness and more magnanimity by the incumbent party "Darkness Descends on polling day" is the sure outcome.

How did it ends up like this???