Giving Back- yet another angle

Giving back as described by Bernake is giving back to society what we have benefited including the good fortune to be born with intelligence, strong physiques, good look and in a privileged environment.


Recently I gathered a new concept about "Giving back" from a podcast talk. Giving back takes on a new meaning when viewed as giving back all that we are. "All that we are?" What are we in the first place? Here is my own interpretation or how I feel about it. I guess basically we are given a form, sensations, thoughts and consciousness, something we inherit from the universe. Giving back is intrinsically returning this being to the universe, this borrowed self. When you think along these lines, it gives you a sense that "it's not all about me" and helps loosen the grasp on your identity. Everything about 'me' begins to shed some significance. It can be quite liberating. It also makes you feel the urge to do something nurturing.

Giving back for me is more like reconnecting as if I want to suffuse myself with the largeness. Working and engaging with children helps me achieve this in some small ways. Being with nature is another. Small ways but they do bring joy.

Changing scene in Hokkaido

Visited Hokkaido during the second week of November. First thing the local tour guide commented was about the time we chose to visit as the last autumn leaves have fallen and the snow has yet to come. Despite the barren trees, the grayish landscape can actually be quite beautiful in its own way. I would have enjoyed the scenery more had I not googled (marveling at the stunningly colourful fields in summer and the brilliant lights during the snow festival in winter) and blamed myself continuously for not doing more research on the best time to visit. This is a typical example of not enjoying the moment fully, clouded by the thought of missing on something better, in simple word 'greed'.

Then out of the blue, just 2 days before the tour ended, the weather took pity on us and delighted us with some light drifting snow flakes. That night it turned into a heavy snowfall and I watched in bewilderment from the hotel window the grounds and the cars gathering layers after layers of snow. The next day as we retraced the route we had travelled before, the sceneries had changed overnight into miles and miles of white landscape, a far cry from the yellowish brown fields the day before. A thick blanket of white covered the horizon. Snow was everywhere leading right up to the doorway of houses. I wondered about people living in temperate countries, how they need to adapt to waking up in the morning to find they could not get out of their house, and how they need to react accordingly.

As miles and miles of whiteness rolled before my eyes I felt the meaning of change at another level, its unpredictability, its suddenness and how it can be beyond control. It is similar with life I guess. One needs to be prepared and have the shovel ready to clear the snow when it blocks the doorway.

Working with Fears

Heard this podcast on working with fears. A saying mentioned therein which I thought worthy of deeper understanding is "as long as you imagine yourself to be something tangible and solid, a thing amongst things, you seem short lived and vulnerable and you will be anxious to survive. But when you know yourself to be beyond space and time you will be afraid no longer".

Though I may not fully comprehend, what holds true for me is the feeling that the tighter one holds onto a solid self, the more fears one has to overcome. This is becauses there will be much to protect and uphold and much fears of losing.

Having said that it is precisely this primal survival instinct that kept humans alive for generations. Without the fight or flight instincts the human species would long have been wiped out. In today's world however the majority of people are rarely in physical danger; yet people all over are plagued by fear and anxieties. This arises largely from how one views oneself amongst others, basically there is a lot of judging.

The talk then suggested ways to work with fears which include:

1. Trying to feel into something larger or sensing the truth of our belonging or that oceaness. 
There are several ways to do this, direct ways to calm our nerves. One is through sensing the connection with the earth like feeling the weight of our feet on the ground or the sense of gravity. Another way is through our breadth; where with each slow in breadth we feel our body and with each out breadth we feel our way into something larger. We can also touch our nervous heart or belly spreading warmth over the nervous body.

2. Remembering Love
Recall and remember the loving energy of someone or visualise any source of loving connection. This can be your mother or grandma, a deity or spiritual figure or even nature. It is important to show gestures of kindness to oneself through say a simple warm touch of the hand or heart or words of kindness for oneself.

3. Having sensed that oceaness or largeness, contact the waves
After feeling the space and the connectedness into something larger we then meet the fear. With a more stable and collected self, feel the fear in our body. Take notice of the part in our body that hurts or is constricted. Take deep breadths as we watch the fear. In the largeness of things and the loving sense of belonging even though the fear is still present it does not seem so intimidating and is more manageable. A simile given is like putting dye in a lake instead of dye in a basin of water.

I think these are good suggestions to be put into practice and acquire as habits.
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Expectations

An article in today's Mind and Body mentioned a couple when asked the secret of their 35 years happy marriage  replied "Low expectation". Indeed lowering one's expectation in life seems to be the formula for a happier state of mind.

Now some surveys have shown that Singaporeans are quite an unhappy and dissatisfied lot despite all the basics like housing and medical care being well provided relative to any other country. It strikes me that the cause may lie in the very essence of its success and written in our national pledge "so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation". It has been ingrained in us the dire need to be competitive, to be better than most and to be almost flawless to survive given our lack of resources in the global arena. It's not a bad thing, this mentality, for it has catapulted us to a living standard beyond the previous generation's imagination and to an almost flawless state run organisation. However there may also be some unwholesome psychological and social by-products. We expect high standards of everything almost to a point of frenzy, we are fearful of not being better than others, and most important we are puzzled why happiness is missing in the same platter that served prosperity and progress. In short we can not take shortcomings in our stride including the very fact that life is never perfect. In addition the Millennial generation was  also brought up to believe they can always achieve anything that they set their mind on and very often that's almost everything. In itself aiming high is not bad but when carried too far without doses of reality it is dangerously unhealthy.

Nevertheless as we mellow with age we will learn through the hard way to live and let live, especially with things beyond our control. I also believe that Gen Y will acquire great wisdom along the way (albeit the painful way) and eventually develop a healthy wholesome outlook surpassing that of their parents, and in the process realising that some of their wild ambitions are delusional.

As the following quote will remind us:
 "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means you have decided to look beyond imperfections",
we will sing along with the Beatles : 'Whisper words of wisdom, Let it be'

Mother of Universe

I had a challenging client yesterday morning.. When I went to the Home for my first session with this girl, she was nowhere to be found. They had to track her down. When she entered the room she just plonked herself angrily on the chair, staring into space, seemingly oblivious to the vast collection of colourful symbols, figurines and little toys displayed on the table in front of her. I remarked softly that she seemed to be a bit upset and that it was ok for her to sit there as long as she wanted. I sat a metre away to gave her space. Awhile later I drew my seat a bit closer but remained quiet. I was reminded of Robin William in "Goodwill Hunting" and psycho myself that it was ok to sit with the client without uttering a single word for the whole session.

We sat there in silence and through the glass doors stared at the heavy rain beating onto the floor of the basket ball court outside. It was a gray and wet morning somehow befitting the mood of the teenage girl whose face gradually looked more sad than angry. "Being there for the client" I experienced this at another level yesterday.

Gradually she gingerly poked one finger into the sand tray, drawing patterns on the surface with it. With a bit of prompting she progressed to engaging a hand and then both hands. There is something about the texture of sand that draws people in once they touch it. From then on it was a lot of feeling, lifting, sprinkling, scooping, sculpting and shuffling with both hands. Younger kids sometimes tell you straight in the face that they love the sand or they want to eat it or they want to step into the tray and bury their whole body in it. Perhaps it is some form of tactile connection with nature or earth or perhaps it is like letting go and trusting Mother Universe to take us into her charge when we are lost. Almost inevitably there will be some ease and some relief.The girl went on to select a few symbols to place in the sand, all rather reflective of her inner issues.

I walked out that morning with ease and quiet peace because the picture of her last tray bears much hope despite the hurt reflected in the interim trays. The last tray was that of levelled sand adorned with a myriad of colorful marbles and topped with a glass prism. When reviewing a Sandpicture there is a checklist to guide therapists. Under a sub heading called 'Therapist's feeling response" is one which prompts the therapist to recall any image emerging in his or her mind.

For me the last tray was like a universe of planets and stars. It lifted me and I hope  her too.

Early retirement?

25 responses were published yesterday in response to Straits Times' question 'At what age do you wish to retire, and why?'

I did a brief summary of them. Out of the 25 replies, 7 or 35% targeted 60 as the age they want to retire. At the same time another 7 do not wish to retire at all ie. preferring to work as long as health permits albeit at a slower pace when age catches up. 2 remark that a person should look for a job which one is passionate about so that it does not seem like work quoting Confucius "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." At the other extreme 3 out of 25 want to call it a day at 45 so that they can travel and indulge in their hobbies. To complete the statistical count, another 3 wish to retire at 50, 2 at 55 and 1 at 65. It seem that 60 is the most desired retirement age with a minority targeting to retire younger.

Amongst the reasons for wanting to retire, the most often quoted is the longing to travel, followed by the wish to spend more time with family and the urge to do community or volunteer work. The wish to continue working on the other hand is supported by the need to be socially engaged, to stay relevant, to keep the mind and body alert and to impart their know how.

Placing myself against the above sampling, I belong to the minority having retired below 55. There were more push factors than pull factors in my case. The benefits of early retirement are indeed as described by these people; more frequent travel and more importantly travel without a worried work- burdened mind, certainly more time with family (including extended family) and of course more time for volunteer work.

On the flip side of the coin, although I went on to pursue some studies, I must admit that only a demanding job can keep the mind really rigorous and alert. Even ST journalist Dennis Chan had to admit in today's Sunday Times that nearing 50 he is now no longer so presumptuous as before that his cognitive faculties will forever prevent him from falling prey to swindlers out to cheat old folks of their money. I think the surest way to keep the brain cells active is  having to solve daily work problems. Just a stormy weather forecast from your boss' secretary will keep your brain juice churning summoning all your EQs and IQs  on how best to avoid being caught in the storm. On the other hand one must of course be aware there is a wealth of data to show that stress is harmful to the brains.

At the end of the day I will still opt to enjoy the benefits of retirement, forgo the stress and just find happier ways to stimulate the mind. My only challenge is disciplining myself to engage in daily  activities that keep the brain juice churning and minimise  lazy hobbies like watching TV dramas.

Musical Evening

Reluctantly I accepted 2 tickets from my sister for the Harmonica nite. She performed in 3 items including the first. During the first piece when certain high notes almost pierced my ear drums I whispered to my husband that I have never liked harmonica music and I needed to brace myself for a tough evening. I was even contemplating an excuse to leave after the break if I could meet her during the interval. As the majority of the performers were senior citizens, the audience also comprised largely of middle aged and senior citizens with some grandchildren in the crowd.

Surprisingly as the evening progressed the expected boredom that I perceived turned to light merriment. In fact I must say my husband who grew up listening to folk/old songs over Chinese radio stations seemed to be enjoying himself. What a far cry from the deadpan look and steady stream of yawns during Western concerts which I used to drag him along in a blue blue moon. To be fair to my initial misjudgement , the first item had the disadvantage of teething mike adjustments and my sister's group was relatively amateurish. As better trained and more experienced harmonica players took the stage, some good pieces were show cased. A more youngish group put up a remarkable composition of  斗牛士进行曲 (les toreadors) and other popular western classical favourites. What was more unexpected was the spontaneity of the audience. All the 'uncles', 'aunties', grandpa and grandma clapped along when told to do so. I also found myself singing along with many others when even my sister's amateur group struggled to keep the right tempo whilst playing TV themes and karaoke favourites like 万水千山总是情  and 越来香.

One item which left an impression on me was a rock and roll piece performed by a male soloist in his early forties. It was not perfect harmonica music but it was his total enjoyment delivering it accompanied by his own choreographed movements, the authentic joy exuding from his whole embodiment that led to a roar of applause from the audience. The guy's 2 young daughters were excitedly taking snapshots of him downstage, what a gift from dad.

He expressed the joy in music and I was reminded of it and wondered why I had abandoned it. Andrew Lloyd Webber was once my favourite and I often remarked to my children "What would the world be without Andrew Lloyd Webber!".  I used to love singing, was in a choir once, had the dvd player on whilst bathing or sang in the bathroom. Somehow along the way everything stopped beginning when the nature of my career took a very busy turn. Inexplicably the pleasure of music just floated away in thin air.

The evening ended when the combined groups, for encore played 高山青 to the delight of the audience who spontaneously sang along in great merriment. Think again if you think our generation and that before us are not sporting at performances!

Yesterday I was reminded "What would the world be without music"