Recovering a past in Taiwan

Taiwan though so near has never appealed to me. If not for Tiger's aggressive ticket promotions I still may not have stepped foot there. Perhaps I was put off long ago by their long drawn TV serials way back in the 70s and 80s that took a whole episode to progress a wee bit or that irritating high pitched Princess in the 还珠格格 drama. I also could not comprehend the throwing of chairs in Parliament and ascribed it to a legacy from Chiang Kai Shek's gangster connections and mannerism.

You see when I was in secondary school I loved to read Han Su Yin, a pro-left intellectual. I was  enthralled by her books and stories that traced the turbulent period of Chinese modern history. Chiang Kai Shek and his croonies were inevitably casted in bad light. Han Su Yin distrusted CKS. My bad impression of CKS was reinforced when I took Chinese Modern History at A level and years later when I watched historical TV dramas from China which were definitely more authentic, and needless to say didn't have much good things to say about CKS.

Well, what slight idealism of youth and opined prejudices soon  faded with years of pragmatism and forgetfulness. A cheap Tiger Airway ticket soon found me for the first time in Taipei. Amazingly, loads of childhood and teenage memories resurfaced when I visited the Sun Yat Sen Memorial Hall. But first of all I must not forget to mention that my visit to the Chiang Kai Shek memorial was a joke. As it was just one MRT station away from our hotel we decided to go there after our return from Hualien which was in the late afternoon. We would have made it if not for the lure of a Japanese food joint along the way. After the meal as I approached the CKS memorial I could see the huge statue from afar. But as I neared it I watched in aghast the huge doors of the memorial slowly drawing close. Stumped we stood in the middle of the big square and then heard heavy marching footsteps.  We were standing right in the path of the changing guards.  Haha CKS not only didn't need my respect he sent guards to tell me to get lost.  So much for reconciliation.

My visit to the Sun Yat Sen Memorial Hall turned out to be more than just engaging. Inside there are exhibits of historical items mainly old photographs of SYS & historical events, treaties, agreements, constitutions etc. Looking closely at those photographs reminded me of my teenage interest in modern Chinese history and I remembered there was a phase in my life when I could be passionate about certain things. As I entered another room a large portrait of SYS stared at me. Those talking eyes seemed so familiar. Somehow a sense of inexplicable nostalgia gripped me. As I drifted from room to room it suddenly came back to me where I had seen those eyes before; and I was really really shocked that it was pushed so far back in my mind and almost completely obliterated.

When I was 3 years old my parents and my elder siblings moved to KL. I was left in the care of my maternal grandma in Singapore until I was 5+. My grandma and aunty stayed on the second floor of a shop house at Ang Siang Hill. The whole of the huge front living area of this second floor shop house belonged to some clan or association. The second floor landing had 2 doors, one leading to the  association, the second to my grandma's living quarters. My grandma also maintained the cleanliness of the association's premise for a wage I believed. Inside this huge room, on the big wall opposite the windows fronting the street hanged a big photograph of Sun Yat Sen. The picture should be about  two by one meter (or at least in the eyes of a toddler). Rows of wooden chairs lined the 2 other walls. It came back to me, all these images including a tall wooden rack with hooks for hats or clothes. Yes, there was where my aunty hanged the feather duster, my feather duster. It also came back to me that I was rather afraid when left alone in the room with this big man staring down at me. How strange these images all flooded me when they never seemed to exist before.

In last Saturday's "The Big Idea" page, Chinese philosophy don, Robin Wang said "Instead of buying the most beautiful condominium units, buy tickets to see the world so that you can return to your authentic self and not just be a person with artificial desires."

I recovered a past during this trip.

Treasure "No Problem"

Yesterday I gathered from podcast that happiness can be derived from having NO problems. Huh? Isn't that just another way of saying 'count your blessings'.

After reading ST writer Andy Ho's article "How dad talked through Parkinson's", the true meaning of the above statement dawned on me. Andy Ho's poignant and informative description of his dad's struggles with Parkinson brings out starkly not only the physical impairment but the mental pain of dementia patients. It is quite heart wrenching to read the mental torture of not being able to control the flux of mental energy that switches on and off. Knowing that one's body and mind are on accelerated degeneration also leads to panic, anger and depression. The charge of mental energy that comes about when medication takes effect is not a complete relief either because the patient feels he is not really himself as he experiences a "frenetic level of activity" beyond his control. Quoting Andy Ho's description of his father "He felt that his old and real self was 'still inside', imprisoned by a new self that irritatimgly made its presence known to all and sundry through this disharmonious 'outer ' body".

In addition to the above there is also the physical contortions and "involuntary abnormal movements brought about by the medication. "Mind and body were no longer united", the reader can sense the patient's struggle to regain a semblance of his true self. Apparently more people in their 40s are now being diagnosed to suffer from Parkinson disease in Singapore. This brings to mind an ex-colleague in his 50s who is medically boarded out.

We often tell people "Just be yourself". To do that we just need to relax and let our body and mind go with the flow. We have NO problem doing that if we choose to. Isn't that something to treasure and be happy about.

AGM season

It's AGM time again. If I can afford time to attend only ONE AGM it has to be that of Challenger Technologies. This is one of my favourite stocks which has given reasonably good total return over the years. You never ever feel it is a waste of time attending its AGM. For 4 years now when I have been there the same small crowd of faces will be there, maximum about 30 shareholders. It is held at their building in a theatrette where the CEO, CFO and CO Sec sat on a slightly raised platform and the directors sat on the front rows amongst the shareholders. This is so very different from the ballroom setting of blue chip companies' AGM where the top management and directors sit on the stage where they literally talk down at shareholders giving motherhood statements, crackling a joke or two to avoid troublesome questions and occasionally losing patience at long winded trivial ones. At these AGMs you are put in your proper place, ie. a minor shareholder. These large companies usually have separate briefings for analysts.

At Challenger's AGM the same handful of about 5 to 6 investors will not fail to ask insightful questions, which showed that they not only have read the annual report inside out but have also been following the company's development on the sideline. You see this company is never covered by analyst and the stock is tightly held with very low volume traded in the market. Investors hence have to stay alert ie. pay attention and observe its business environment. So very detailed questions relating to sector margins, subsidiary profitability, opening of new outlet rationale, expansion risk, challenges faced, cashflow management etc were raised. The CEO comes across as a very frank, practical and sincere guy who does not smooth talk. At one stage, he exclaimed in Singlish "Wah, so many questions!" Indeed this is one AGM where I can also gather some insight on the toughness in running a medium sized business in Singapore. The CEO spoke about the difficulty of labour shortage and how they overcome by employing retirees who amazingly have extremely good work attitude. He also shared about the challenges of high rental in shopping malls and difficulty in getting a foothold in some. Apparently they waited 5 years to squeeze into Tampines Mall and how there is little room to negotiate for more space than allotted, not to mention the rental.When I heard that, my investor mind straight away thought that REITs must then still be reasonably good investments. Haha capital does not have loyalty and sentimentality.

As it is a small group at the reception, I felt comfortable enough to approach those few investors who from their questions showed that they have followed the business closely, to get their opinion whether they intend to buy more, hold or sell the share. I am a bit surprised that these guys ( two of them in their 30s) seemed  to frown upon my question whether the price of the stock is peakish (stretched in valuation) and the right time to sell. They like the CEO and have faith in him. One of them even said that we should attend the AGM annually just to cheer the CEO on and give him the moral support. Wow such loyalty to a stock ? Or could it be something more, perhaps it is an attachment to something like a toyshop, since Challenger can provide a variety of cool gadgets and geek toys. Is that why women are better investors than men?

I can't Think of a title

Attending a wake tonight., third this year. All are rather sudden deaths in some sense. Sigh... what  intensive reminders on impermanence and uncertainty. Now my mind is in a daze.

Only minutes earlier before the phone call from a family friend delivering the unpleasant news, I was reflecting on the article where Tom Plate wrote about his conversation with LKY. I was pondering about how LKY moulded more than a generation of pragmatic utilitarians like him, "almost always in a deliberate rush to achieve...and hated unnecessary delays". I wanted to put the blame on this Singapore upbringing that made it so difficult for me to be lay down the utilitarian template that hanged like a execution block over our heads. I wanted to find a blame on my inability to think, my lack of thinking power, my inadequacy to go deeper into things. I wanted to blame the government for steering us to focus on tangible and material things and busy directing our children to do likewise, hence not having time to daydream.

Then the call, then the daze, then the staring into space.
"Better enjoy life", a comment that spills out almost like a reflex response between my husband and me when news of death and illness is received.
So what now? Stop lamenting? Stop bitching the government? Go enjoy life? Do the things you like most? You like travelling right? Just go, Just dwell on the pleasures. Now you appreciate the government right for making you rich enough to enjoy life before its too late. Hurry, hurry before its too late."He was often in a rush", the writer describes of LKY; and so are We.

However we need to reckon that a day will come when we can no longer hurry to "enjoy life' on a material plane, be it fine food or experiencing new places. If we are lucky enough to live till old age, our six senses will give in. We must start tuning in to a lifestyle when we will be very much alone with own self. Now now ,,,nope nope...don't blame the government for not teaching you how to slow down and be yourself. You have an inherent gift to reflect and dream.

No Off Day

So retirees (especially premature ones) are often asked "SO how do you spend your time?" and equally often they have to pause and truly wonder how each day passes them by.

If you are a retiree and being harassed again with this question, tell them to get the answer from the  Sunday Times. You see, in addition to the usual World, Home, Sports the Sunday Papers has the following sections :

Invest, Think, Live, Connect, Go, Reflect, Read, Relax, Taste


Some titles need no further explanation like Invest, Read, Relax, Taste which refer to discussion and news on investing money, best sellers, movies & entertainment and of course where to get good food. 'Go' is about travel. 'Live' and 'Connect' feature activities and way of life in families and communities and about social media. 'Reflect' and 'Think' carry editorial, opinion and reflections on social and political issues.

Now aren't these a summary of what retirees do, a bit of everything that is. So some days by the time you lay down your papers you cringe in horror that its almost the morning gone. Another day you decide that you have been a complete fool not to make your money work harder and spend the whole day reading commentaries and stock analysis in the mail. Yet some days you feel you should give more of your time to volunteer work. Then again planning a holiday, reading tripadvisor reviews  and surfing the net to make the most of your trip, though fun is most time consuming.
And since you have the time you read the Opinion pages more often and think you should give some issues more thought. Needless to say you are also more obsessed with your health and spend more on body massages, foot reflex and even taking in tips from TCMs in the Mind and Body pages. Also the urge to reconnect with long lost cousins and old school mates sometimes find you people-googling. All of these of course are on top of time which is expected of you to serve your family, running errands inclusive and accompanying your work-stressed spouse on a long drive to Johor to Eat. As such it is not exaggeration when retirees tell you they are more busy than when they were working. In fact we really need to do some prioritizing!

A cautious note however is to be wary of the occasional existential angst. People of all ages experience this "Is that all there is to life?" kind of feeling but retirees in the midst of a professional/career loss may have a heightened sensitivity to this. This may be reinforced when there is a sense of not being valued. When such mood takes over nothing in the above long list of activities may seem worth doing. At times like this, spiritual reflections will help.

"The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off."
-- Abe Lemons

Will away a Singer machine

2 articles in today's Sunday Times reminded me to stop procrastinating on a  task yet  unfinished. The first article is entitled "Why you should make a Will" and the other is the editorial "Memories Matter". The former jolted my intention to update my will and also helped me convince my husband to write one. The last will I made was some 20 years ago after the birth of my son. I was then in mortal fear that my young children will be deprived should my husband fall into the trance/spell of his wife when he remarries after my passing. So I made a will witnessed by my lawyer and his clerk. I put it in an envelope and left it in the custody of my mother. Years later when my mother was feeling ill she returned the will to me for safe keeping. On the envelop she had written 4 Chinese characters   长命百岁(longevity). That's her ingenuous way to void the superstitiously inauspicious act of writing a will. The law firm is no longer in operation now and I am not sure whether the witnesses (the lawyer and his clerk) are still around or surviving. Anyway changed circumstances do warrant the writing of a new will.

The second article, the editorial is more interesting. Apparently NLB is embarking on a Memory Project to collect and showcase memories of Singapore. The public is invited to submit personal memories like posters, toys, published materials etc. The editor quoted the words of a Czech writer, Milan Kundera: 'The first step in liquidating a people is to erase its memory" to stress the importance of memories to a nation. I thought hard for a moment whether I have such items. Well the oldest item at home is the manual Singer sewing machine with foot pedal which was passed down by my mum. The image of my mother pedaling the machine is amongst my earliest childhood memories. The machine also bore witness to my endless frustrations having to unpick and resew pieces of clothings to hand in at needlework class. Though it may be a piece of antique, it is not peculiar to Singapore and won't be what NLB is looking for. However it reminds me that it should deserve special mention in my will. I toyed the idea with my daughter, to bequeath it to the museum. She asked me to reconsider carefully because she would be in a fix if no museums want it. She does have a point because even though the grand old dame is more than 50 years old, there are many of such dames floating around. If memories around this machine is to be preserved, it should be within this family. However leaving behind an object without a written history is meaningless. It struck me that I have to write a short memoir about this machine, something like a description of its life since joining our family. If I make it into a nice little booklet to be found when one opens the drawer of the machine, it may motivate my daughter to keep it. The idea excites me and spins to bigger ambition like writing a personal memoir.

 Yea, a Will and a Memoir will be good!

Yin and Yang

Stumbled across an interesting discussion about Yin and Yang. Whilst Yang is described as a "force", Yin is like "persuasion".
Now pause a while and make a guess. If the letter "A" is Yang, what is Yin?

No clue? Here's a tip- Yang is open whilst Yin is hidden.

Well, if "A" is Yang, all the other 25 alphabets are Yin. Standing alone "A" has no meaning whatsoever. It has to be stringed with other alphabets to help form words, sentences, paragraphs and meaning. On its own it is powerless but together with Yin all possibilities are there, almost infinite.


When I read about the demise of Literature as a school subject in Singapore and all the comments and lamentations in the Forum pages, I can't help connecting it to the Yin and Yang concept. To me Maths, Sciences and Geography are Yang in essence whilst humanitarian subjects like Literature and History are more Yin like. Without an appreciation of literature, one is somewhat deficient, not being able to unfold the essence behind how people live, how people feel and why they behave the way they do. As per ST's editorial: "Literature may not train students for a specific job, but it rounds out their education.... It reflects, interprets and presents life artistically in quest of fundamental and universal truths".

Incidentally if you don't already know the reasons behind why only 3000 'O' Level students took literature last year (17,000 in 1992), it is because of the difficulty to score for this subject. This pathetic pragmatism is also evident during my discussion with the charitable organisation I have been vying to offer my service. Yes, it responded finally. Whilst recognising the critical need for emotional healing amongst its residents, the supervisor is striving to find  suitable time slots because the children are burdened with heavy school work, tuition and other programs.

Clearly more need to be done to make us see in perspective that "everything exists together in a delicate balance"