Useless mother, secong time round

I think I take my role as a mother seriously, a bit too seriously perhaps.

In a few days time I will accompany my son to settle into college life in UK. Since 2 weeks ago I have been waking up occasionally in the wee hours of the morning with a hollowness in my heart. It was the same feeling 3 years ago prior to my daughter's departure for the States. Only it was worse then. For quite a long time before and after she left home I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling quite miserable just thinking about how far she was away from me (20 over hours of travelling time). This time round it is less distressful, I can fall back into slumber after a brief discomfort. Maybe I am a bit seasoned already.

I clearly remember how my heart cringed when the plane was flying out of New York and I looked out of the plane window. I stared down at that big scary city and could not believe I am leaving my baby behind. The feeling was rather like a mother hen being forced to leave behind her chick in a wolf's den. Never could I have imagined that this baby has grown so accustomed to that city that it would be painful for her to return.

Back then I chided myself for being useless. Looks like I am a useless mother, second time round. I told myself then how fortunate we were with air travel compared to ancient times. I remember I asked myself how the mothers of those ancient Chinese princesses would have felt when their daughters were married off to the Mongol chiefs. This time round I ask myself how our great great grandmothers in China would have felt when their sons (our grandfathers) had to travel by ship for months to eek out a living in SE Asia about a century ago. Yea I know I am useless but I also know I will get use to it.

Don't under-estimate this Empty Nest Syndrome though. When the kids move out you literally feel the hollowness in the house. Going back to the issue of role and identity again, the more your identity is attached to your role, the more lost and disoriented you may become when you no longer need to perform that role. That is why I said I have taken my role as a mother a bit too seriously all this while. Then again with every unrest a change is inevitable. Amidst the melancholy I am also seriously thinking about ways to "grow" myself, now that I have all the freedom to do so.

Rediscovering the Sun

There is a difference in approach between psychodynamic therapy and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Pyschoadynamic therapy has interests in the client's past that brings about recurring themes in their lives. It also explores the ways a client subconsciously builds defensive mechanism to avoid the difficult aspects of their past.

CBT on the other hand helps the client to recognise distorted thoughts or perceptions (misbeliefs) which may cause pyschological distress. CBT does not explore the deep subconscious imprints but uses a more direct approach of reframing misbeliefs.

James Hollis, psychotherapist and Jungian analyst, in his book "Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life" gave examples of clients who are accomplished in their career and yet encounter some form of pyschological distress. In my previous blog, I wrote about self concepts. People carve for themselves a personal story by which they live, a story shaped by social conditions created by parents, culture, society and religious institution.

Hollis quoted several examples. He examines a situation when a person grows up in an environment when the person constantly feels "overwhelmed" ( arising from say a dysfunctional family for example). There are 3 logical responses, one is "retreating, avoiding, procrastinating, hiding out, denying, dissociating". A second logical response is the recurrent need to be in control. “The world is hurtful and invasive. You must hurt or invade it first, or be hurt or invaded instead.” The third logical response is to comply. "“Give them what they want”, beginning with mom and dad".

In another circumstance when one suffers "the wound of insufficiency". The first logical response is the feeling that "I am as I am treated". For example a person who is neglected, bullied or abused may have low self esteem and feels that he/she deserves such treatment from others. This leads to a personal story of low self-worth which may lead to "diminished possibilities, a tendency to hide out from life, avoiding risk and even repeatedly making self-sabotaging choices."
The second logical response to "the wound of insufficiency" is the need to over-compensate. The personal story then may be one that spurs a life long need to be successful, to amass wealth, status, power or the illusive right partner.
The third logical respone is an anxious need to gain approval from others and the obsession to please others.

Ironically, any psychological distress is a wake up call from the soul and the inner self who have been long suppressed. This comes after the discovering that the exhaustive search for "something out there- some person, some social stature, some ideological cause, some external validation- that will make our lives work for us" failed. It is through suffering such distress that drives us to re-examine whose life we have been living for. It demands that we be accountable for our own life and how we want to live. Copernicus discovered that the Sun and not the Earth is the centre of the universe. Do we want to let the Sun in?

The Earth is not the centre of the Universe

Of late Socrates' renowned quote "The unexamined life is not worth living" strikes me a fair bit, although I have not researched into his thoughts behind those words. I am half way through the book "Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life' by James Hollis and have just listened to a broadcast "Exploring the Concept of Self" by Gil Fronsdal, Buddhist teacher. I noticed a number of similar ideas in both.

Hollis, a Jungian analyst and psychotherapist wrote about people who find themselves in a dark wood in the second half of their life, struggling to find meaning and to reconnect with their authentic self. He suggests that for most part of our life we live under a legacy of parental and societal norms, values and expectations almost like a trance like existence. Sometime usually in mid-life (or earlier for others) many people go through some emotional turbulence when the goals that promised a fulfilling life don't hold true anymore. There arise unexplained feelings of being stuck or feelings of anxiety and voidness. Hollis calls for a soul searching journey "of getting our life back" and the deconstruction of "the false self" and asking ourselves whose life have we been living for.

On a similar vein Gil Fronsdal in his talk suggests that we should examine the layers of internalised self concepts that are constructed from our own history ie. from the family, social, cultural and religious environment that we grew up in. Gil cited an example that for families that have gone through generations of sufferings an internalised message could be a painful sense that the world is an unsafe place. Other examples of internalised messages that become cornerstone of people's life include:

- the message that I need to have a career, a house and a spouse to be happy
- the message that I need to be efficient
- the message that I have been wronged or that I am a victim
- the message that it is important to be liked
etc

Hence there are many a times when "I feel l am like THIS type of person, but I have to be THAT type of person". Sufferings and limitations that come with concepts of self often lead to people questioning "Is this the right operating system for myself?"

Gil suggests we really need to re-examine whether we need to be what others think we need to be. We must also ask ourselves who we think we need to be versus who we really want to be. Gil used a very powerful metaphor of Copernicus' theory which displaced the Earth from the center of the universe and launched the renaissance in astronomy. Likewise he thinks we must review and drop self concepts which don't hold true for ourselves. We can then have the freedom to choose personal messages that resonate to us and which we feel are authentic for ourselves. Making that choice leads to freedom from the "Conditioned realm of self".

Annual Dinners

Attended the School's annual dinner (for teachers & staff) yesterday evening. Didn't know teachers are such a fun loving bunch.

The theme was Wild Wild West and I became more and more amused throughout the evening. I was definitely one of the odd ones out who didn't wear a cow boy's hat and a pair of authentic denim jeans or jacket. Even the school's casual worker in her late forties came with hair pleated like a Red Indian woman complete with jeans, scalf and short boots, not to mention the principal and vice principal who set good examples for dressing according to the theme. Well before the dinner started the whole hotel function room was buzzling with wild exclamation and laughter and photo taking.

I laughed each time I noticed a new form of accessory. Many had pistols hanging from their belts and a few wore Indian feather headress. Needless to say there was a prize for each best dressed man and lady. One of the guy nominess wore a complete Red Indian head-dress and costume which partly revealed his bare body and did his Red Indian chant and prance barefoot on stage. The second nominee, a John Wayne look alike jumped onstage to challenge the Red Indian only to be followed by a third nominee who rushed onstage in his sheriff outfit to handcuff the two. The best dressed lady galloped onstage with a toy horse head in tow not to mentioned another nominee who looked really attractive as she walked barefoot onstage in her Red Indian costume and feathers.

It made me recall how people neglected themes at annual corporate dinners at my ex-company. No one paid attention to it and worse thought people who came dressed according to the theme as rather crazy. I guess no one wanted to guess what the boss would think of him if he came barefoot dressed like a Red Indian Chief. Perhaps it was only with my ex-company with its stiff upper lip culture where lame entertainment came in the form of Victor Khoo and his delivery of vetted jokes (vetted by organiser).

For this School function there was no lack of emcees. I didn't know there were so many jokers. Oh just in case you think the difference in culture is due to a different age group, I must clarify that there were quite a few 20-year long service award recipients. Jokes came so naturally to the emcees, poking fun at their colleagues inclusive. All in all I feel the stark difference between the guarded nature of my ex-colleagues in the corporate world and the natural spontaneity of this group of educationist. They seem more authentic. I wonder whether every career draws people with similar trait or whether the culture of the organisation shapes the people. I tend to believe in the later. Many many years back before my ex-company was corporatised, it was a statutory board which meant bottom line was not the main driver. In that environment where people were more relaxed we had annual year end parties that were quite enjoyable too, with song items as well as skits that made fun of bosses etc. All that fun loving spirit eventually dried up in the office. Yesterday they came flooding back again.

What else do we miss?

Interesting! Click this link.

snopes.com: Joshua Bell Plays in Subway

How to change?

Attended a meeting at MCYS yesterday over the case of a physically abused client. 12 people were involved. Other than school counsellors and MCYS social worker and her 2 seniors, other participants included doctor from KK, police officer,MOE psychologist, representatives from various student care and child care centres where the victim and his siblings are attending, plus people from organisations I didn't quite register. The Objective is to review whether the measures recommended by the MCYS social worker is comprehensive to avoid further incidents of abuse.

Initially I was rather impressed and thought to myself I have underestimated the comprehensive network of social support provided by the government. However I cannot help but wonder at the amount of man hours and resources spent on the case. This impression is further validated when my colleague, the school counsellor remarked that the recommended measures are quite standard and such meetings are more of a formality. I have a feeling it is to establish a joint responsibility.

The so called victim is my client and was referred for counselling by the form teacher for behavioural problems in class, mainly not handing in his work. Whoa! Every time I go to fetch the student for the session, the teacher would break out into an endless lament of him not doing his work, disturbing classes etc. The teacher's relentless complaint and phone calls have made the mother of the child very stressed and frustrated. This despite the teacher being aware that the child's mother suffers from depression and has once attempted suicide. To be honest, I have never really made it my main focus to tackle his behavioural problems in class. I was targeting the root of his attention seeking behaviour which I perceived as low self esteem. As I worked with him I noticed a lot of self despise and I tried very hard to get him to see his strength and to believe in himself. Earlier on in the year, the form teacher did make a remark that he behaved a bit better but went on to add "but he thinks one good behaviour justifies another bad behaviour". The vital difference in attitude between a teacher and school counsellor lies in the level of expectation. Whilst a counsellor is pleased with a small improvement as a first step towards change, the teacher expects almost a normal behaviour in line with the rest of the class overnite. I later learnt that teachers can be quite pent up over his/her students' work because the students' work is reviewed by a supervisor regularly. Maybe it forms part of the teachers' KPI.

The form teacher's complaints and an incident of his son telling a lie drove the mother frenzy and she beat him up so badly that the bruises were noticeable, hence leading to police investigation, hospitalisation for observation etc etc etc. You will not believe it. After the whole commotion and the boy's leave of 2 weeks in hospital, the first thing the teacher told me when he resumed school was "he has not done his worksheet"!!!

At yesterday's meeting, the chairperson asked me about any change in his behaviour with counselling. I just replied "there is not much progress". You can't say I feel good saying that but I certainly didn't feel lousy too. Perhaps it was because in the morning I had a very uplifting conversation with the father of another client whose mother passed away last year. I know I have helped in some cases and I couldn't do much in others.

Sigh....but I guess I can't just leave it at that. For the earlier case I really need to engage the teacher for a more effective management; and mind you, adults are just as difficult if not more difficult to change.

"That's It" or "Is that it?"

Attending a funeral and another wake on the same day make me feel kind of spaced out. If you have ever witnessed the procedure leading to the cremation at the Mandai Crematorium, you can not but feel that the last leg at the viewing gallery is really quite poignant. (I wonder whether it was designed that way with that purpose in mind. Please don't read on if you feel moody or think it morbid). See, from the viewing gallery you wait in silence looking down at quite a large room with inlaid tracks. The casket then emerges from below the gallery and one sees it moves slowly along the track vertically across the room towards an opened door at the opposite side of the room before it is out of sight and the door closes . It really brings out "the final journey" feeling.

He was my mother's younger brother, the eldest of 3 sons. My earliest memories of my life were images of my maternal grandmother's house where this uncle worked and lived. My family moved from Singapore to KL when I was 2 and I was left in the care of my grandmother in Singapore, until I was bigger and needed less care and attention. Both my grandmother and uncle doted on me. I remembered his workplace that overlooked an airwell on the second floor of a shophouse. I remembered how he would berate my grandmother's negligence if he ever noticed a slight bruise on me. I could remember his anxiety on one of my visits to a clinic in the hospital although I have forgotten what ailed me.

He was a tailor and an educated one. When young he attended an English School in the morning and a Chinese school in the afternoon. My grandfather hired a rickshaw to fetch him around. My grandfather also bought a gramophone and introduced western classical music to the children which this uncle appreciated deeply. The early privileged life of my mother's family came to an abrupt end when my grandfather passed away suddenly and the dire family circumstances were further aggravated by the Japanese occupation. This uncle then apprenticed as a tailor, a job which seemed quite appropriate for him as he was extremely reserved and hated company. In those days a tailor could work at home and was paid on a piece rate by the tailor shops. Had he been born later he would have been labelled as being an Asperger for he had severly impaired social skills. In those days matchmaking was common and there were many interested women as he was deemed quite cultured for a tailor. He read both the Chinese and English newspapers, kept himself abreast of world news, listened to Western classical music and interested himself in the biographies of the composers as well as the latest audio systems and technology. He remained a bachelor and when he became too old to sew he worked at various jobs as a garderner and security guard. In his twilight years he felt bitter over what he deemed as a lack of personal accomplishment. He lost interest in his hobby and stopped reading. His hi-fi set was left untouched and the records and tapes became mouldy. I am sure he would have been happier if he had continued engaging his passion for music and was less concerned with his status in society. In fact, he was more informed and knowlegeable than many a better educated person.

I bought a bouquet of white orchids and the undertakers placed it on top of the casket. As the casket with the bouquet moved across the room I thought about how we touched each other's life some 50 odd years ago. As he bade his leave I wished for him a peaceful after life. Whilst the doors closed upon us, I have a feeling that straddled between "That's it" and "Is that it?" That is what I meant when I said I am spaced out.