Useless mother, secong time round

I think I take my role as a mother seriously, a bit too seriously perhaps.

In a few days time I will accompany my son to settle into college life in UK. Since 2 weeks ago I have been waking up occasionally in the wee hours of the morning with a hollowness in my heart. It was the same feeling 3 years ago prior to my daughter's departure for the States. Only it was worse then. For quite a long time before and after she left home I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling quite miserable just thinking about how far she was away from me (20 over hours of travelling time). This time round it is less distressful, I can fall back into slumber after a brief discomfort. Maybe I am a bit seasoned already.

I clearly remember how my heart cringed when the plane was flying out of New York and I looked out of the plane window. I stared down at that big scary city and could not believe I am leaving my baby behind. The feeling was rather like a mother hen being forced to leave behind her chick in a wolf's den. Never could I have imagined that this baby has grown so accustomed to that city that it would be painful for her to return.

Back then I chided myself for being useless. Looks like I am a useless mother, second time round. I told myself then how fortunate we were with air travel compared to ancient times. I remember I asked myself how the mothers of those ancient Chinese princesses would have felt when their daughters were married off to the Mongol chiefs. This time round I ask myself how our great great grandmothers in China would have felt when their sons (our grandfathers) had to travel by ship for months to eek out a living in SE Asia about a century ago. Yea I know I am useless but I also know I will get use to it.

Don't under-estimate this Empty Nest Syndrome though. When the kids move out you literally feel the hollowness in the house. Going back to the issue of role and identity again, the more your identity is attached to your role, the more lost and disoriented you may become when you no longer need to perform that role. That is why I said I have taken my role as a mother a bit too seriously all this while. Then again with every unrest a change is inevitable. Amidst the melancholy I am also seriously thinking about ways to "grow" myself, now that I have all the freedom to do so.