To be available for love.

 

A religious teacher gave an excellent example about relishing the moment and taking in the little joys. He shared that one of the best moments of his day is when his cat enters the room before he goes to bed, looks up at him, rolls on the plush rug and then plays with him. He describes it as warmth that exudes from the cats' "availability for love". 

This morning while in a car waiting for the traffic light to turn I noticed a cute little kitten hidden behind the pillar of a shop triggering a smile in me. It makes me think that cats really exist for a reason which is to make human beings a happier lot. It also makes me ponder why unlike cats human beings are so complicated and complex and are less "available for love". Humans don't usually begin life that way. As young children they were also quite "available for love" and emotionally available. However as they grow up they become more inhibited, guarded and complex with increased expectations and fears. Basically it means not trusting others to accept who they are, hence not allowing themselves to be known on a deeper level (wearing a mask all the time ) and for some eventually  not even knowing themselves. 

I think why cats are so adorable, apart from being born cute and pretty, is also because they are so authentic. When they need food they look at you with beckoning eyes, when they want to touch you they nose your feet, when they want to be left alone they meow fiercely at you. They can also be downright arrogant  but that's why we love them.

 As comedian Carol Leifer once said "Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that".  If only human can be like cats and be themselves all the time instead of pretending to be someone they are not, they will be as lovable as cats.

My Book

 

One morning during the Covid lockdown I woke up wondering how to occupy each day without the usual volunteering, social and fitness/keep-well activities. Then it dawned on me that given this opportunity of limitless free time if I didn't fulfill my dream of writing a Children's book, I never would. 

In early Dec 2020, 150 copies of the self published books were on my doorstep.

Having witnessed the emotional anxieties some children experienced in trying to meet their parents’ expectations of them, I wrote a story which I hope these children can relate to.  Using the analogy of a dog, the story is about how a dog feels when under pressure to perform clever tricks at a party.  It ends with a message that everyone has their own strengths and shines in their unique way. Also it conveys the idea that no matter how harsh the owner/parent seems, there is an underlying loving relationship.

I had intended for the book to be shelved by our national library and some of its regional libraries. I had always imagined a self written book among their shelves. Well, given that I had volunteered with them as a story teller for more than a decade, the librarian whom I know has promised to facilitate. Then someone suggested that I distribute among the schools. Was I overjoyed when the school counselor of the first  school I wrote to asked for 5 copies to be shared with other school counselors in her district as well. The same happened with the second school I wrote to whose counselor asked for 6 copies. I was truly happy to think that the book could be of use to them. This is an unexpected outcome.

Another surprise for me is the different interpretations or themes some adults read of the book. One dog lover was emotionally moved with her reading of the book as a criticism of animal cruelty. Her remark was " The story enraged me... I really believe the moral of the story was human needs to fuck off".  Most however read it as a warning for tiger mums and how their anxieties could impact the kids, very much aligned with my original intention. Yet there are readers who just like the twist of the storyline and the amazing illustrations (thanks to my good long suffering illustrator and the readers' politeness). The best part is when each reader when told of another interpretation is totally surprised of the different perception. 

It just made me think that if  a seemingly explicit story can be read in different ways, how much more multiple ways will a single situation or event be viewed depending on the onlookers' varied conditioning. It enhances my belief in human complexity.

All in all it was a good experience writing a moral story. Along the way my daughter (who helped immensely in its production) and I gained knowledge in the nuts and bolts of self publishing a book and the experience of working with an artist. She was truly amazing, really!!! 

 

2020

 In a bad year Queen Elizabeth will call it "annus horribilis" as she did in 1992 describing it as "not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure".

 I do not wish to list the sequence of events which saw the Covid 19 pandemic raging through the globe, killing millions, bankrupting businesses and wrecking the lives of many. This I am sure will be well discussed in social media together with other events like the defeat of Trump and our very own Singapore election which saw the appointment of a first leader of the opposition in the country. 

Instead I will document how these happenings have influenced my perceptions and feelings.

 The predominant feeling is like standing on shifting sand, not knowing what's next. Even now we are not sure whether like other countries we will encounter another wave of the virus and whether there will be another lockdown. Then there is uncertainty whether the vaccine roll out will really bring life back to some normalcy.

Another predominant feeling is one of despair alternated by feeling blessed to be in the right country and also not affected financially. This is accompanied by some sense of guilt mixed with relief about being on the right side of inequality. Inevitably there is spiritual questioning about the rationale of different life destinies or as Janan Ganesh of Financial Times puts it, whether we should "accept the role of randomness in life".

With all routines disrupted one feels a lack of control especially during the lockdown period. Without structure or order coupled with lots of idling time I reflected a fair bit about life, death and purpose. At my age every year means a lot in terms of opportunity to travel and see more of the world lest sickness or weakness deprives such pleasure. There were times when I asked myself  what would I do for the rest of my life if I can't continue to travel or engage with my pre-Covid activities. This then leads to the question about purpose. Is life's purpose just about exciting the senses to the maximum?

News about mental health problems, rise of family violence and protest against lockdown make me realize not only how gregarious human beings are but also how lost man can feel when left alone with himself. Perhaps with no distractions and having to face his lone self, he struggles with existential anxieties of some sort. 

Of course I can escape such moodiness in various ways. I can spend all my time punting the stock market or fall into a keep-fit frenzy with the aid of fitness videos or embark on religious pursuits like meditating and reading religious text. In the end I did all of these albeit in ad hoc bits and pieces. Along the way however I reconfirm the virtue of "living in the present moment" through my new found hobby of gardening. It also dawns on me from experiences in self publishing a Children's book during the Covid pandemic that the satisfaction derived from creativity is more rewarding than returns on financial investments. 

In some sense you can say 2020 surfaces many paradox. They include: 

• inequality ↔ increase in volunteerism & giving
• family violence ↔ opportunities for family bonding
• lockdown ↔ cleaner air
• mask protection against virus ↔ mask pollution of earth
• retrenchment ↔ boom in new sector jobs
• badly hit blue collar and service workers ↔ new focus on employee welfare
• emotional toll ↔ increased openness about mental health
• de-globalisation  ↔ interdependence to fight the virus

Janan Ganesh of Financial Times talks about the struggle by analysts to derive coherent lessons from the Covid 19 pandemic as the "need to see shape or order in scattered events to explain and not just to record them".

This teaching from Buddha comes to my mind:

 "Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind"   

   So too 2020

YOLO

 It is heartening to know that the millennials from  rich families which have benefitted from old economy assets are beginning to place importance on ESG (Environment, Social and Governance). They differ from their forefathers (baby boomers and before) who have less qualms plundering natural resources and exploiting cheap labour. I begin to wonder why baby boomers are generally more materialistic and less social conscious compared to the younger generations. 

Baby boomers grow up witnessing the hardship their parents underwent to meet the basic needs and are thus inclined to value material possession and wealth as important goals in life. This is especially true in Asian societies which emphasize collectivism and societal approval. Material possession and wealth which brings about status and societal admiration, is often regarded as the source for happiness and is of paramount importance. According to a research published in Frontiers in Pyschology Oct 2017, "Asians' attitudes towards wealth reflect the public meaning of self which is a social attribute, whereas Westerners' attitudes towards wealth reflect the private meaning of the self."

Fortunately many millennials have adopted different definition of success from their parents. Success is measured by what they do and experience and not what they own. Those who can make an impact in society or find fulfilment in their work are considered more successful than those who work just for a fat paycheck. Many also aspire to build a freelance career that they enjoy or create an impactful startup, deviating from the well trodden paths their parents wish of them. Freedom has also become a marker of success. Instead of craving for physical possession they value the freedom to gain new experiences. Happiness and success means going for novelty ie. meeting new people and trying new things.

Basically then the answer to why baby boomers are more materialistic than the younger generations is :

Baby Boomers just want to "Look Good" in the eyes of others

Millennials just want to "Be Happy". For them its YOLO (You only live once)

Someone has to take out the garbage

 

Rohit Brijnath wrote an amusing piece entitled The Complexity of Singledom in today's Sunday Times.

"We like space more than Neil Armstrong did, can be more fastidious than a finishing school matron and view compromise as an idea with limited elasticity. We'll stretch, but only so far." He speaks of the love for freedom and independence expressed by older singles and how they are so accustomed to their own peculiar ways that intimacy becomes a risk they are not prepared to take. They prefer to "live free and answerable to no one within their four walls".

The phrase "answerable to no one" really sounds refreshing. A lady participant in a class on "Happiness Act" run by the Silver Academy recounted how she took leave from her family and stayed away for a year to experience freedom from responsibilities of being a mother and wife. The rest of us participants marveled at the idea.

In the article Rohit went on to describe why younger couples can forgo such independence. "When you are young, you're building something as a duet, a house, a life, a future",  alluding that for older singles most of these goals would have been accomplished in some measure. Reflecting on my younger days I think this is quite true. The common goal of bringing up children and building a conducive home environment for the family pushes aside the desire for freedom and raises the tolerance to live with the idiosyncrasies of your spouse. Now that the children are grown and the home has become a home for decades, common goals have to be re-established. Those blessed with grandchildren may replicate old goals in a new format while those without grandchildren may have to create common projects to divert their focus from each other's neurotic ways.

Rohit interviewed a few older single ladies to find out what they want in a relationship if at all. One wants a partner as a travelling companion, another for the warmth of touch and for Rohit himself a book browsing pal. 

Well, truth be told I do indeed appreciate my husband a bit better when we travel because I don't have to worry about navigating the complex subways of Tokyo or fear being trapped at some rough terrain on country hikes. Though we never ever go book browsing together, the warmth of a rub on my sore back can certainly sooth the pain that being married occasionally brings. Besides someone has to take out the garbage when I'm definitely not going to.

Two Way Cultivation

 "The implication is that therapeutic horticulture may potentially boost immunity and moderate geriatric conditions, including inflammatory diseases, dementia and depression."- Ms Angelia Sia, deputy director of Ecology, on the results of a recent NParks research paper.

According to the research, interacting with nature helps to improve mental well being and gardening helps to stimulate memory. Apparently another project to study the effects of therapeutic horticulture on elderly people who are at risk of cognitive decline found that the experimental group who attended the horticulture activities for 24 weeks were significantly less anxious, happier and showed improvement in cognitive function. It appears that they also have healthier sleep patterns.

This is indeed very encouraging news for me as I have developed some interest in gardening arising from the Covid lock down. Every morning after a few sips of coffee I will take a review of the plants in my small garden. Often my cat will join me. It used to be that a tiny garden lizard will scuttle off to hide but increasingly it seems to be less afraid of me and will just keep very still on a branch or perform a few acrobatic swings. So talking to my cat or the baby lizard will be my first daily interaction with another living creature which is often far more uplifting than talking to a human being who will either greet me with some depressing piece of world news or some grouchy ramble. Then of course I will also talk to my plants, not with much thinking but just a natural response when examining their condition like "hmmm... you can't take too much sunlight can you?" Indeed this is what they call interaction with nature.

Now I am not sure whether gardening will stimulate memory but it certainly needs a bit of thinking and analysis as well as research. Sometimes it flashes an insight into life too. For instance when pruning a pot of dense Moss Roses or Nine O'clock flowers, I think about times in our life when we have too much on our plate and the necessity to abandon some commitments so that we can thrive on the rest.

In trying to grow a certain plant for the first time I have to assume the right conditions for it to grow. I will then provide those conditions to the best that I can and hope for the best. David Cooper who wrote the book "A Philosophy of Gardens" describes it as humility to trust that nature will run its course. Likewise in life we can only do what seem right and true to ourselves but we cannot dictate the outcome. We can only try again and again adjusting the various conditions but if the plant is not suitable for our climate then we have to accept that fact. Occasionally however, plants can also surprise you with either their resilience or reward you for your faith in them. 

Cooper also pointed out that the commitment and discipline to care for the plants instils a structure that can extend to caring for oneself. 

Latent desire to Become

 According to Freud the conscious mind is just the tip of the iceberg with unconsciousness making the bulk unseen. In his book Incognito, neuroscientist David Eagleman points out that most of the time we do not have conscious control of how we think and feel. According to Buddhist psychology people tend to act habitually, unconscious of their actions. These so called "latent tendencies" govern our feelings, mental  and bodily responses resulting in how we often act or behave.

Among the latent tendencies there is the latent tendency for 'Becoming" which is somewhat a desire to become something or someone or a sense of what you are in relation to the world at large. In the west it may be a desire to explore one's uniqueness and define oneself by the difference, while in the East it may be a constant desire to become someone who is accepted or respected in the community. My thought is focused on the later. There is always an underlying need to adapt to conventional expectation. This latent tendency to become that 'someone' can be intensified or aggravated by previous bad experiences of rejection or humiliation. It becomes the reality in a person's view of the world such that he may obsess over how others think of him.

I think Asians generally like to compare with others and are more afraid of losing face, hence the fear of failure and fear of missing out (FOMO). This leads them to hanker for labels collectively considered as marks of success and pursue conventional paths which may or may not bring about true happiness. In fact quite often the continuous strive for these benchmarks or the inability to achieve them bring much emotional suffering. 

What triggers me to rant as above is upon reading a letter written by a tuition teacher in the forum page of our newspaper. She recounted experiences with parents who pressurized their children to perform in school exams. One child expressed hatred for his parents while another harboured thoughts of ending her life due to the stress. Perhaps the parents meant well to groom their children for an "easier" adult life. But it is wiser for these parents to be aware of their children's overall well being and not to succumb to their latent tendencies to Become the labelled successful parent "whose children made it to XXX school, YYY college and ZZZ company" or even worse instill in their children similar latent tendencies for an entire lifetime.