The door that remains opened

When one door closes another opens. Many people have used this phrase in a philosophical way when reflecting on events which reshaped their lives. For me a small outcome reminds me of this quote.

So I together with many die-hards have tried our best to hang onto KK Women Hospital's bone building exercise classes designed for people suffering from or at the fringe of osteoporosis.  However due to the overwhelming demand and lack of hospital resources it not only was getting difficult to get a slot but the physiotherapist are encouraging people to join other exercise programs conducted in community clubs all over the city. Still participants out of preference for the familiar refuse to budge. The hospital then introduced an assessment every half year to gauge one's readiness to go for exercise classes outside. Each assessment is $44 after subsidy and each bone building exercise class is about $26. I had one such assessment this week and they gave me a 'graduation' certificate. So like all things impermanent, one door closes.

Forced to explore the lists of other programs in a print out which KK gave me, I visited WINGs at Bishan. I was ushered into a class that happened to be starting while I was there to made enquiries. Oh my was I impressed. The trainer was very detailed and made an effort to correct the posture of each participant. The class only costs $10 per session! This small experience makes me wonder why I was so reluctant to open another door when one is closing on me.

On the flip side I wonder why no one ever said "when no other doors open, this door does not close". After my retirement from finance, I pursued qualifications in counselling and worked a few years as a part time school counsellor. Now retired I aspire for volunteering opportunities that see me grow in a professional way. At one period of time I signed on with 3 organisations and was quite overwhelmed. I then contemplated dropping the one which offered least professional growth, a children's home. At this home I did not have to submit case notes, was left pretty much to do as I deem right and with no review required with the social workers whose turnover is high. I had thought of quitting this place but could not somehow got to do so because the bonding with the children there has been so strong. Fast forward, circumstances in the other 2 organisations have changed such that I have to quit one whilst my engagement with the last has dwindled substantially. In other words my aspiration to grow professionally has been minimal.

However the engagement which I now find much satisfaction is with the children's home, the door which I couldn't close. My sandplay therapy has gradually morphed into a mix of general play, mentoring, mothering and grand-mothering. I don't pride myself that the children fought over their turn but I take comfort in knowing that they feel worthy of being loved.

The door that does not close remains open in ways unknown.

A disappointment to women

Read the review of the new broadway musical Pygmalion, a new version from its first, produced way back in 1914. Most people know Pygmalion as My Fair Lady, the film adaptation starring Audrey Hepburn. The writer of the review quipped that the lady sitting next to her at the musical was puzzled about the ending which deviated from the film and previous broadways. In this new version Eliza Dolittle walked away from the eccentric professor Harry Higgins. The reviewer then explained that in the original script playwright Bernard Shaw had a similar storyline but expecting that the audience wanted romance and a happy ending, all the producers, directors and actors changed the script much to Shaw's dismay. Shaw later made known his disapproval. He had intended to bring out the prevalence of class consciousness where people are judged by the accent and manner of speech and dressing. Instead of marrying up to raise her social standing, Shaw intended that Eliza retained her pride, turning away from the social snide.

Now a century later things have come a full circle and Shaw would have been pleased . Ironically however it happens in an environment of increasing inequality around the world.

Shamefully I must admit I would be disappointed with a walk away ending. Although the eccentric professor treated ladies condescendingly, his underlying kindness and love would suffice. That in itself marks the difference between women of my generation and that of the next. We have been brought up to hold the interest of the men in the family before ours. We observe this in our mothers who only expected to be loved and well provided for in return. Of course with higher education our attitude has changed to the need to be independent financially and otherwise. The respect for a masculine hierarchical structure however is deeply ingrained especially in an oriental culture. We were trained in patriarchy. 

Perhaps the cushy feeling of being protected (never mind the subordination) makes me still desire for Eliza Dolittle to marry the fuzzy Henry Higgins instead of her braving the streets of London for a living. It is hard to  change brainwashed ideas of 'our place' in the world, a disappointment to women you may say.

Understanding voidness in Taroko

Just came back from a one week trip to Taiwan. The package tour included a one night stay at the 5 star hotel in Taroko National Park in Hualien. The park offers breathtaking view of gorges, cliffs and gushing rivers deep below. The Silk Place Taroko Hotel is the only 5 star hotel in the park.

The front facade of the hotel looks like any ordinary mountain hotel . The interior is well furnished and the decor blends with its natural surroundings. However what is most breath taking is its roof top infinity pool and Jacuzzi. The infinity pool overlooks a deep narrow valley with a stream running at the bottom. Besides the pool is a big open deck with lounge chairs and sofas.

It was getting dark when we braved the cold water in the pool at 4 pm before dipping in the jacuzzi. Some hotel staff were already preparing to light up torches and a small bonfire. A show was scheduled at 8.30 pm.

I was expecting a tribal show but it turned out to be a band singing mandarin pops and some of their own composition. Instead of lazing myself on a deck chair or sofa while listening to the performance I walked along the railing overlooking the gorge which was visible by the hotel lights. Away from the stage I could hear the gushing of the river in the valley below. As I looked at the scenery below I began to wonder whether the wilderness minded the intrusion by the hotel. If the hotel is not there the whole place will be in pitch darkness and the mountain, the rocks, the stream and all the living things will dwell in the natural darkness. Do they feel being invaded?

However recalling a passage from The Dharma of Mind Transmission: When the sun shines over the four directions, the world becomes light, but true voidness is never light. When the sun sets, the world becomes dark, but voidness is never dark..... the nature of voidness is clear and undisturbed.

I know the feeling is only in the mind.

So much talk on Inequality

The current focus on the subjects of inequality and social divide must have overwhelmed me such that I had a strange dream yesterday. I dreamed that in a group therapy I spotted a girl who was my counselee when I was working in a neighbourhood primary school. In the dream she wanted to talk to me in private so she won't be embarrassed. When alone she narrated how she had fared badly having been streamed to Normal Academic (for the least academically inclined in the cohort) and even then she feared she would be at the bottom of the NA class. In my dream I was surprised that she did so badly and she kind of explained that the subject she was good at was not taken into account for determining the position in class. I can remember I was feeling at a loss on how to comfort her in my dream. I could only utter lame statements like taking things a step at a time.

The dream highlighted where I intuitively stand in the ongoing debate on whether the government has done sufficiently to help the disadvantaged including students from the lower socio economic strata. A lot of statistics has been thrown flying around and controversy abound on their methodology and relevance.

The main themes in my dream seem to be low self esteem (embarrassment) and low recognition of certain skill (subject the girl was good at being ignored). From my experience as a school counsellor in a neighbourhood primary school and engagement with children in a children's home I can fully understand how a disadvantaged family background greatly hampers the child's ability to keep up with his cohort not to mention to excel. A OECD report said that disadvantaged students in Singapore fared well in comparison to their peers globally but find it hard to match up to the top performers within the country for eg only one in ten of Singapore's disadvantaged students has scores which match their top peers (those whose scores are in the 75th percentile).

The report also found that the disadvantaged students are congregating in disadvantaged schools. The Ministry of Education needless to say came out with the defence that all schools in Singapore are well facilitated and there is no such thing as a disadvantaged school. What they seem to miss is that the segregation of schools by academic performance has resulted in adverse perverse psychological set back in schools predominated by less academically inclined students. There is a sense of shame, hopelessness and negative self image.  This negative image is in no small part accelerated by the prevalent societal disrespect for low paying jobs due to the absence of a minimum wage. Where wage disparity is less stark, there is more pride and less discouragement in people holding less well paid jobs as can be seen in countries like Japan. There is pride even if a person excels in a skill that places him in a job that pays relatively less ie. society respects every job in the market.

Educational inequality coupled with income inequality (in no small part due to the absence of a minimum wage) is a psychological backlash for students in the bottom of the cohort. Fortunately in todays news the government is finally setting up a Inter-Agency task force to find out the underlying causes behind the students lacking behind and aims at helping children from disadvantaged homes meet their full potential.

At times when engaging with children in the children's home I have been amused by their wit and laments quietly how much more they could have developed their potentials given the right environment. Hopefully if the task force is really committed I would have less of such moments of wonder.

The Pendulum chime

I am watching Towards The Republic a second time now after many years. It's a tv serial out of China tracing the fall of the Qing Dynasty and the 1911 Chinese Revolution. The production is meticulous in creating the setting and undercurrent of that era. The camera follows the body movement of the main characters to bring out the feeling, the mood and their predicament. I also notice the frequent use of the sounding of the pendulum clock. In various scenes the ticking of a clock or the chime of the pendulum clock either gives a sense of urgency or eventuality/destiny. I also feel that the Qing royalty's obsession with the western mechanical clocks throws a pathetic irony of the situation during that time ie. their fascination with western ways and technology yet being trapped in a time warp of old traditions and practices.

Just a few days ago the Straits Times published an article entitled US-China tensions: Lessons from the Opium War by Leslie Fong . In the late eighteenth century and the first half of the nineteenth century the demand for tea by Britain and the West was not matched by any needs from China of  western products. Hence China demanded only silver in exchange for the tea until the East India Company found the solution in opium. When the Chinese burnt 20,000 chests of Opium in 1840 in an attempt to terminate the opium addition/scourge a divided British parliament debated on whether to launch a war on China.  In the end the pro war faction won just by 5 votes. The young William Gladstone who would later become the PM for 4 terms remarked " I am in dread of the judgements of God upon England for our national iniquity towards China," a moral trepidation certainly. Fast forward 180 years and history repeats itself in terms of the trade imbalance but now the table has turned with the West fearing China's growing power and supremacy. The British Empire has fallen a long way too.

Now when I watch the tv serial and the pendulum clock sounds in the background I tend to think that the swing of the pendulum also symbolises the repeat of history as well as the rise and fall of nations and that everything has its own rhythm

The Prudish ageist

When an article in the Straits Times on aging well highlights 3 tips in bold: stay passionate, eat wisely and manage pain, I was expecting to get some ideas on vocations or hobbies which people are passionate about to keep their mind and body active. I was literally shocked when it suggests that older adults can have 'satisfying sex lives even as their bodies change with age', not that it is untrue but more of the inappropriateness in being so direct. I am surprised how blatant it is to even recommend a certain position for the elderly.  I was also laughing that all the old men now have excuses to be promiscuous if their wives' sexual inclinations do not match theirs.

Then I paused and questioned whether I am being prudish. Why do people generally think that old people do not engage in sex or are perceived as 'gross' if they do ? For example I thought it unbelievable that the urologist they interviewed had an 83 year old patient seeking treatment for sexual dysfunction, (perception of age being relative I guess). On deeper thought it occurred to me that it has to do with ageism and society embracing youth. It is assumed that older people should behave in certain ways because of their age and movies seem to imply only physically beautiful young bodies engage in sex. I suppose sexuality in the young is also being focused for procreation purposes traditionally.

Having internalized all these negative stereotypes about aging for years it is no surprise that I can be an ageist even though I am elderly myself.

Borobudur

I encountered so many misses and hits from my visit to the Borobudur Temple. In the first place visiting Jogjakarta was not my original idea. Bothered by my husband's itch to travel somewhere less than 3 hours flight for a long weekend while taking advantage of promotion airfare, I settled for Jogjakarta from among destinations yet to visit. Knowing that Borobudur will be the highlight I did briefly scan some travel literature and website about its history and the things to look out for, but certainly not enough. Thus I draw the first lesson that intention is the cornerstone of actions and outcome, the lack of intention resulting in lackluster performance and experience.

From the attractive pictures showing sunrise over Borobudur I knew I had to sacrifice sleep for the pick up at 3.30 am to reach the site before sunrise. We reached just before 4.30 am and was given a torch each. I was surprised there was already quite a crowd and we just followed them in the dark. Due to poor communication and lack of initiative to find out more, I didn't know we were already at the temple grounds. From the posters at the travel agent's office I was under the impression we would be viewing sunrise over the temple from afar at some hill spot. In the dark we could not see the facade of the temple. If I knew we were actually at the temple grounds I would have strained my eyes to catch its looming greatness in the dark. Only when we started ascending the steps did we realise we were watching sunrise from the top of the temple . By the time we reached the top platform which housed the central dome it was bright enough to take in the whole scene. As the horizon gradually glowed in gold and pink and the mist shrouded over Mt. Merapi and the surrounding mountains, the dark silhouette of the stupas in Borobudur breathed their quiet presence. What an amazing sight! I looked up at the central stupa and there was the moon over its steeple as if affirming the feelings of connection I have inside me. To have these scenes emerging from darkness was quite an awesome experience, quite like a gradual awakening. Sacrificing a few hours of sleep yielded immeasurable gratification.

I wished I had read more about the reliefs sculptured at each of its 9 levels or for that matter hired a guide. The reliefs tell numerous stories and are rich with symbolism. I spotted a middle aged lady guide left standing on her own while waiting for her group of white tourists busy taking pictures. I struck a conversation with her and for that I picked up one of the most important symbol about Borobudur. I did read about how the stacking of each platform symbolises the ascent from basic desire to higher consciousness and finally to enlightenment at the central stupa, but I was totally thrilled when the guide shared that while each of the 72 surrounding stupas houses a Buddha statue, the central dome stupa is empty, thus signifying emptiness as the ultimate goal. The information I gathered from her made the visit so much more meaningful, reminding me that one should never be afraid to ask.

At each platform there is an open passage way round the axis. From a bird eye view Borobudur is like a mandala. Devotees are supposed to circumambulate clockwise from the base level to the top, a spiritual journey towards higher state of consciousness. That morning however we had to quickly ascend vertically to catch the sunrise and to experience the spiritual atmosphere of the temple floating above the clouds overhanging the mountain. To me it is like getting just a momentary glimpse of what lies at the end of this spiritual journey. To really get there you need to do the gradual circumambulation and ascent, a circumambulation towards the centre of self.

On my return I am so intrigued that I began to read more about Borobudur. Only then did I know how much more meaning I would have attested to the reliefs and the whole structural architecture and its surroundings among the mountains. Perhaps I need to revisit Borobudur one more time. This time I shall make my way there in the afternoon, walk each level starting from the base platform. I shall equip myself with the meaning of the sculptured reliefs at each platform. Slowly I shall go round each level before ascending the next. Upon reaching the top I shall wait for the sunset and its beckoning.