Seeds from past and for future

When I first arrived in Singapore more than 30 years ago, I put up at my aunt's place at Selegie Rd. I attended a secondary school at Toa Payoh and commuted to and fro by bus which took more than an hour. The bus route covered a stretch of Bartley Road where the Ramakrishna Temple stood on a small hill. ( I found out it was a temple only recently) It looked more like a villa to me. I remember often wondering from afar who this "villa" housed and what its interior looked like whenever the bus passed by it.

Two weeks ago after a meeting at MCYS, accompanied by its supervisor I dropped in at the Ramakrishna Mission Boy's Home to see one of my clients, a P 6 student who stays there. He is there because his home environment is not conducive for his upbringing. The boy was surprised, a bit shy but delighted to see me. He was having his weekly Science tuition given by an Indian lady who is a volunteer. My unexpected visit cut short his tuition session. The supervisor asked him to show me around the home and the temple and the tutor joined in as she had not been inside the prayer hall of the temple, which is just next to the home. The premise is on sprawling high grounds and the surroundings is quiet and serene.

After showing us the various rooms in the home the boy brought us to view the garden patches at the side and back of the home. At the side there are several rectangular plots for the planting of herbs, each plot the responsibility of a small group of boys to nurture. We then crossed over to the temple (the villa in my memory). The lower hall was adorned with photographs of Ramakrishna and his disciples. Me and the tutor chattered excitedly and rather loudly because there was no one in the hall. The boy then whispered to us to speak softly because the holy ones (in the pictures) are meditating. Like naughty girls caught misbehaving we apologized. On each side of the hall there was a staircase. The boy told us that he will take the staircase on the left which is meant for the men and we ladies have to take the other staircase meant for the women. I followed his instructions not knowing what to expect on the upper floor. I imagined we would find ourselves in a separate prayer room meant for ladies. Instead the staircase led us to a big open hall on the second floor and our young guide was there waiting for us with a quiet confident smile. I don't know why but I felt so happy to see him, almost like a child meeting a parent. Throughout the visit I have noticed my student behaved very differently from the way he does in school. In school he is treated like an irritant by teachers and a clown by his classmates. But here he was like a knowledgeable tour guide leaving out no details introducing the statue of Ramakrishna as well as people in the framed picture on the wall. He hit the gong softly to show us the start of a prayer routine as well as the bells used during prayers. I grasped onto his words with a feeling of awe.  He urged me to take some of the literature displayed on a side table, showed me one which listed upcoming events and encouraged me to attend one of these prayer sessions. "But this is not my religion" I whispered softly in reply. He told me all believers are welcomed and mentioned that they believe in the Bible too. I just smiled not making sense of what he told me; but I did pick up 2 little booklets to get a better understanding of this faith. Whilst taking the staircase down a phrase from the Bible popped up in my mind "and a child will lead them".

 As I stood at the temple corridors looking down on the surrounding Bartley area I reflected  that it took me 3 decades to be inside the "villa" which I had wondered from afar. The seed of "awe" which  was planted in my mind more than 30 ago has now ripened and enriched my visit, giving it a sense of bewilderment. A week before this visit I had submitted notice to the school about my intention to quit next year. I have been with the school for almost 4 years and need to move on, though I don't know what I will embark on next. I have been tossing ideas in my mind about the various options, volunteering here, volunteering there, maybe some part time employment, maybe focusing on acquiring religious knowledge or maybe even focusing on investing money.

As I bade farewell to the boy, the Home and my "Villa", a feeling of warmth came over me and I felt another seed has been planted in my mind. Somehow I have a feeling this seed may possibly give me some directions in time to come.

(Incidentally Ramakrishna is perhaps one of the best known saints of nineteenth century India. He had a universal approach to religion believing the validity of different religious paths. Amongst his teachings was the belief that all religions including Christianity and Islam lead to God).

Now I know where the boy is coming from.

Gossipping Men

My husband told me that at the men's toilet in the country club, the regulars (mainly middle aged men and retirees who go for their daily evening swim) are recently engaging in very animated discussions about the sex scandal involving the Narcotics Bureau chief. Apparently a common opinion amongst them was that the married lady involved was  more desirable than the underage girl who brought disgrace to many men in yet another recent sex scandal. I found this so unbecoming but won't be  surprised he (husband) partook in such idle talk.

My belief that men are real gossipers is reinforced when I read Richard Lim's article today in the Life Section. His article is about how he lives alone and mentions that he occasionally meets up with  colleagues at the kopitiam opposite their office. They don't talk about the good old times but "pontificate passionately on politics and current affairs, such as Cecilia Sue and what MU and SP mean". If you don't know what these educated men of ink are referring to, you were probably able to resist the temptation of reading the detailed report on the case; including the dialogue which took place in the court room. It was just too juicy to ignore and the papers provided the sensation of reading pornographic literature without feeling guilty. Well "SP" appeared in one of the couple's erotic text messages and these men are guessing what it stands for.

Earlier on I have heard over podcast a religious teacher suggesting a method for people to avoid sexual temptation by seeing beneath the skin of the person they are attracted to. This does not mean metaphorically gauging the person's character and traits etc. Instead he literally meant seeing beneath the skin ie. to think what the person is like without the skin surface ie. the person in totality including the skull, the eye socket, the brain matter, the heart, liver, stomach, big intestines etc. So when those long smooth legs look attractive, one must also look at the muscles and the veins with blood running through them as well. I thought this may be an useful tool to pass on to my husband. In fact maybe the judge being constantly bombarded with a deluge of sensuous details should also be equipped with this tool as well.  He after all is also a man although being a judge is probably less "superficial" than most other men.

Face the Cold Shoulder

 I attend taiji class every Sunday at a club. 2 weeks ago I noticed there was a new class for beginners which runs concurrently with ours. From afar I spotted from amongst the new students an ex ex colleague. Well there are some people in your life who put you in a quandary as to how to behave when meeting them.  After class as usual I lingered awhile to chat with my classmates. Along came this guy with his wife whom I have also met before. My reflex response was to acknowledge them with a smile when they neared me. The wife smiled back perhaps not so much in recognition but as any fellow classmate would. This guy however looked straight ahead, his gaze as if transfixed at an object far away. I was a bit put off.

On the way home I kept musing over whether he actually saw me and if so why was he ignoring me. Unless he has impaired side vision it was quite impossible not to have seen me when he walked within 2 feet of me. If he had seen me but chose to ignore me; was it because I carry insignificant network value or could it be he was still angry over some friction at work ages ago.

Yesterday I was again at a dilemma after taiji class. I was engaged in a conversation with my own classmates when I saw him walking my way  with his wife. I thought to myself I should just pretend not to see them. However I also thought how dreadful it would be pretending not to see each other week after week. So I turned around, smiled and tried hard to catch his eyes. I think I made it quite difficult not to be acknowledged. He broke into a broad smile whilst we exchanged greetings and brief casual talk.  There you go, from now on just a casual 'hi" will be sufficient when we do meet again. However because his smile was so broad I was again wondering on my way home whether I read him wrongly.

Very so often we try our best to avoid unpleasant experiences or deemed unpleasant experiences. In most cases the building up of negative thoughts, worries or dreadful anticipations are more difficult to bear than the actual experience itself. I recalled once I dreaded having to stand in for my boss to accompany some company directors to attend at meeting at a subsidiary in Seoul. I tried to find all kinds of excuses to avoid the trip. It turned out however to be an interesting trip and at dinner I learned quite a fair bit about the business world just listening to their conversation. Actually facing a difficult situation straight in the face also provides an opportunity for self awareness, correcting false beliefs and analyzing mistaken self concepts. This is on top of mastering a better understanding of the situation and the people involved as well. In addition facing up to an unpleasant experience also builds self confidence in that you know you will be able to live through the pain should another of such arises.

So being shown the cold shoulder is no big deal after all especially when you know a persistent smile can melt its coldness.

Things to do now you're 40

Picked up a book titled "Things to do now tthat you're 40". Though more than a deccade too late, I was kind of curious what I have missed out and see whether I can do a bit of catch up. The book is not in prose form and really just lists out suggestions under 8 broad headings.

Leaving out the crazy, weird and sometimes irresponsible activities like "Do something scandalous that will shock your descendants" or "Play roulette in a casino and lose more money than you can afford" in the list, I find some of the suggestions rather interesting, doable and worthy of consideration. Under the various headings they include:

Challenge Yourself:

• Adopt an unusual, unexpected hobby; the more bizarre the better
• Put a message in a bottle and throw it out to sea
• Have a drink in a bar alone and chat with the bartender (hmm... so challenging ,wonder when I wll pluck up enough courage to do this)

Enrich your Body and Mind

• Make a conscious decision not to become a middle-aged slob. Even when you're not going anywhere, dress nicely and groom yourself. (Gosh ! I havent bought a lipstick for ages)
• Figure out the foods that make your digestive system work most efficiently
• Get up early enough to have a calm start to the day and include something nurturing in your morning routine

Go Back to Nature

• Strike up a relationship with an animal and make sure you understand each other ( I and Miao2 are still happily trying to understand each other)
• Watch a sunset from a cliff looking out over an ocean (Just did that at Uluwata temple in Bali, a beautiful experience indeed!)
• Plant a tree in your backyard and watch it grow (my husband's source of enrichment which I must learn)
• Find the landscape that speaks to your soul, whether it be mountain or ocean, desert or forest
• Take a moment to count all the different shades of green outside

(Indeed the list is very long under this category especially if one has the luxury of living close to nature)

Review your achievement

• Think about what you used to want to do when you were growing up. Have you done it yet?
• Get something you've written in print. If all else fsils, write a letter to your local newspaper.
• Reread your resume. Sit back and feel pround of your achievement
• Nurture your intellectual curiosity. When you don't know something, look it up.
• Make one major life change in your fortieth year.

Celebrate your Creativity

• Start writing your thoughts, observations and feelings in a diary (got to do more of this)
• Develop your own eccentricities while you're young, so that as you get older people don't think you'r going gaga (hmm... it's a bit late for me, people will start using the 's' word (senile) if I begin now)
• Read all the Pulitzer Prize winning novels of the last ten years (wow with my slow reading pace that will be my retirement job)
• Stretch your brain cells, read difficult books and watch documentaries about complex subjects
• Take singing lessons, even if you're tone deaf. Singing is good for the soul ( can seriously consider!!!)
• Use your best china every day-don't wait for the perfect moments that never arrive
• Design and create a garden of your own (and get your husband the gardener to do the rest)

Upgrade your Attitude

• Get over sibling rivalry, or friendship rivalry, or any other kind of unhealthy competitiveness
• Be sure you have a healthy way of dealing with stressful situations, whether it's exercise, deep breathing, meditation or hugging a pet
• Spend your time the way you want to-   it is the hard currency of life. Don't let other people spend it for you

Refresh you Soul

• Remember, only quiet waters give an undistorted reflection and only quiet minds see the world as it really is.
• Give yourself permission to change your mind about everything

Re-evaluate your Relationships

• Learn how to listen well and to hear what is not being said

but at the same time...

• Separate from your family enough to become yourself

I have left out loads of suggestions in the book which are very cliche in nature and too often mentioned. Most of the items listed above are not impossible to carry out although some of them call for a bit of imagination, courage or madness on our part. As Robin Williams once said " You're only given a little spark of madness. You musn't lose it."

A Wish for Higher Dimensional Thinking

An interesting article "Rewire our brains....save our world" by Mark Buchanan in the Washington Post appeared in today's ST. The gist is about the need to innovate differently in  a finite planet and how humans are unable to know the real truth behind what they do ie. their thinking falls short of reality. One professor calls it "low dimensional" thinking whereby our engineers and scientists at best only consider "a few of the true pathways of cause and effect" whilst ignoring the "complexities" of  a "multi faceted" world. An example is given in the building of a dam whereby many effects are ignored other the major ones like the impact on the estuary and the obvious surroundings. This is because the human mind is unable to "capture" the vast number of dimensions our actions have on the environment.It then remains to hope that advanced technology can increase brain capacity to fathom these dimensions.

2 things strike me after reading this article:

• How deep do humans care even on a basic level, not to mention from a multi faceted perspective
• The idea of cause and effect across all aspects of life

In our pursuit to satisfy our sense pleasures we don't really care, do we? For example do we honestly care if industrial logging and industrial agriculture for biofuel and bio-energy bring about climate change and cause increase in food prices. I think we are more interested in how cheaper fuel can lower the price of a budget-air ticket. Yes it is hard to talk about caring for the future environment when that pleasure to be had is so immediate. Talk about sense pleasure, today's BT about the opening of W-Sentosa Cove has a picture of the lighted cone shaped outdoor wet bar , an absolute picture of style and trendiness that thrill your senses. So this onslaught of beautiful pleasures clobber your guilt into numbness.

The second thing that strikes me is the description used in the article about cause and effect (in this case with regards to the environment) but which I increasingly can relate to many aspects of our life. The article talks about the often unrealised social and biological impact over the long term and how "We're unaware, until eventually we have the famous 'unintended consequences'." As I am now attending Buddhist class 'cause and effect' is of course often mentioned and discussed. This has made me more and more reflective on how my past behaviour and actions or even that of my parents have a chain of effects intended and "unintended".
How I prioritised my life which governed many of my decisions and directions have some unexpected results amidst expected ones. I do know what the writer meant when he wishes that our brain can have higher dimensional thinking  and capture more pathways of ttruth.

Wafts of American breakfast in rice fields

Spent 5 days with my children in Bali at Ubud and Seminyak, the first amongst the hilly rustic rice fields and the latter a trendy beach resort swarmed with white tourists, predominantly Australians.

The hotel room we stayed in at Ubud has a balcony view that overlooks a padi field. At night the frogs croaked as in a natural “a capella” choir in pitch darkness. In the morning the quacking of a duck alternating the call of either a frog or a fowl distracted my reading in the balcony. I watched with amusement a fat brown duck gave chase to either a frog or fowl along the tracks of the rice fields before disappearing amongst the rice crops. In the distance a farmer tended his field. The image of a peaceful, simple and idyllic lifestyle was punctured by wafts of pan fried bacon and toasted fragrance of croissants in readiness for sets of huge American breakfast. I was slightly irritated with this corruption of the Indonesian rustic ambience but then again why should I be disturbed when the farmer goes about his routine unperturbed. Indeed he is probably glad that the small boutique hotels in the area have offered jobs to his children and relatives raising their standard of living. Apparently the drivers and employees of the hotel live in the same Junjungian Village that the hotel is located. Budget airlines have changed lifestyle not only for travelers but also the livelihood of small town inhabitants who probably fail to comprehend what kind of magic their village offers.

In the trendy district of Seminyak there is a beach club known as Potato Head. Once in it you would have thought you are back in Singapore’s Tanjung Beach Club at Sentosa if not for the miles of endless beach. The shallow infinity pool with a pool bar and the continuous blare of hot music let people dance and frolic in mirth and drunked stupor. Well tanned bodies with sunglasses and straw hats basked in the afternoon sun on the day beds, pretending to either read or sleep amidst the noise and revelry. One young white man obviously very drunk was creating some commotion and was watched over by a few security guys wherever he sauntered. We stayed only to watch the sunset and I was very sure the rhythm and beat would have thickened and quickened when night fell and as more youngsters arrived in droves. It was a brilliant sunset as the crimson ball slowly sank into the horizon, spreading pinkish streaks across the sky. However it was the first sunset I watched without the usual awe about nature. The noise and the collective disrespect all around me have robbed the sun off its warmth and glory in its farewell bade for the day.

This was my first time in Bali and provided a good recce to plan a second visit with my husband. I now know what places to revisit and those to avoid. After all at our age there aren’t “infinite” opportunities to appreciate an authentic unadulterated sunset.

Fragrant sensitivity

In recent years I have developed an acute intolerance to artificial scent. It first arose when I found that the cheaper essential oils that I used to burn in the evenings just outside the house started to make me feel a little tight on the jaws and forehead. A while later it developed into an ability to tell when my neighbour’s maid was washing the backyard whilst lying on my bed in the morning 2 floors above. The faint pungent smell would turn into a suffocating intolerance as I advanced downstairs. Sometimes when the smell became too intolerable I had to close the windows in the kitchen to shut out the odour. I wondered what heavy duty detergent they were using but my family members retorted that they didn’t smell a thing.

The intolerance became more intense gradually and rounded up “culprits” like the “cheap” hair cream in the club’s toilet which I accused my husband of using excessively after his swim and my daughter’s “anesthetic” whiff of perfume which almost knocked me out in the brief minutes that she dashed down to grab a coffee before going to office. I had also to bar her from using Body Shop’s body butter which had fruity flavours in my presence. The most torturous experience no doubt would be when I have to breathe through a tissue throughout a journey in a heavily scented taxi. What is worse you can't really tell people about your allergic reaction because they will find it offending and will be defensive about it. You can't for instance tell the taxi driver "Uncle what car freshener you use ah? I am getting a headache smelling it". Instead most time you have to cover your nose with a tissue discreetly as if you have a cold and do not wish to infect him.

I never cease to wonder why I suddenly develop this allergy out of nowhere when I never had such reactions when younger. It is probably due to my body over-reacting to allergens, ie. my body is mistakenly wary of its danger and there is no way for you to tell your body otherwise. One remark from a highly sensitive person however leaves an indelble impression on me "Now you know what it is like to be sensitive". Yes very often it is tough to understand or empathize when people relate their allergies and sensitivities. At most you hear them but can not feel the same, at worst you think "what weirdness" or "how strange". Only when the taxi driver uncle over reacted and reiterated umpty times that his car freshener was not the cheapskate type bought from CK store and was actually bought by his air stewardess daughter from Australia, you know you should have kept your sufferings to yourself and bear them quietly. For God's sake the whole world loves this beautiful fragrance and what kind of crazy sensitive nose you have- that's perhaps what a more restrained guy is thinking if he is not the typical loud and straight-from-the-mind taxi driver.

For me it is another lesson on empathy and when there is a lack of it; a good lessone for counselling.